Match #82

The Question: Luigi VS Waluigi: Who's stronger?

Fighters for Wario's Battle Canyon on Kitchen Island
Player One Player Two
Luigi Waluigi

(camera is filming a lone, pirate ship sailing off the coast of Kitchen Island... the flag reads "S.S. Tea Cup")

Flip: *pops up from the Crow's Nest wearing a sailor's hat* Ahoy!

Goom: *tumbles towards the side of the ship, and pukes into the sea* bleh... Ahoy...

Flip: Today we'll be commentating from the S.S. Tea Cup, watching the match from the Battle Canyon from a safe, comfortable distance; yet still close enough we can see the action in person. *looks down towards the cabin, and yells* All clear, Cap'n!

Captain Syrup: Alrighty, lad! *steers the boat into the small inlet that faces the canyon, then yells into her radio* Dangerous Duck! Chef Kawasaki! Report to the bow ASAP, or else the blokes from Smashtopia won't be gettin' their show goin'!

Chef and D.D.: Roger, Cap'n! *rush to the bow and throw together a makeshift commentating booth with three chairs*

Flip: Okay fans! This is it! *slides down the mast, and jumps into his chair* The first ever SSS match ON-LOCATION!

Goom: *climbs into the chair beside him* Hurrah... *hiccups*

Captain Syrup: *orders D.D. to fancy up her chair before she sits down* Now, lads and lasses, this match will be between two rivals: Luigi, the younger of the two Mario Bros., and Waluigi, the more cowardly of the Anti-Mario Bros. Duo.

Goom: *shakes his head a few times* The match will be 3 stock each, with only "Mario Maniac" and "Wario Worshipper" items enabled. In other words, Super Mushrooms, Starmen, Fire Flowers, Poison Mushrooms, Bob-ombs, and the new Garlic Bulbs will be the only items the fighters can acquire.

Captain Syrup: Aye! And it will be a fine match I reckon. Now... *peers into a telescope* I can see the fighters walkin' into the canyon right about now!

Luigi: *jumps out of a warp pipe and casually walks into position on the far left platform* Do do do-Woah! *cuts out his whistling when he sees that his opponent is Waluigi*

Waluigi: *struts onto the right platform* Oh yeah! That's hittin' tha spo-WHA?! *suddenly stops picking his nose when he realizes that his opponent is Luigi*

Flip: Behold! The fighters stand revealed! And they never knew they were fighting each other!

Luigi: What is this? I gotsta fight this jerk? I thought I was-a versing someone else, like Yoshi!

Waluigi: Yeah! Hey! What's the big idea? I'm gonna be fighting this greaseball? Gimme a break!

Luigi: Hey! That's not-a nice! At least I am a greaseball, and not pretending to be one!

Waluigi: Oh! Oh! I'll get you for this you lousy wap!

Luigi: Bring it! *assumes fighting position*

Waluigi: *spits into the soil* You got it!

Captain Syrup: *waves a red flag and sounds the ship's foghorn* LET THE FIGHT BEGIN, MATES!

Goom: *leans towards Flip* When did those two learn so many racial slurs?

Flip: Same time the mun discovered there were even derogatory terms for Italians at all.

Goom: Ahh... So the mun's a dago too, huh?

Flip: Sadly...

Fighters' Damage Meters!

Goom: And the match starts off with a bang! A cannon bang that is! The cannons have started launching their artillery, and the fighters quickly begin dodging the onslaught of Bob-ombs. Waluigi tries to grab one in mid-air, but flubs up and is blown away by the exploding bomb. Luigi, on the other hand, is showing off his superior jumping abilities by flipping to and fro amongst the three platforms.

Captain Syrup: Aye. But the rivals gotta fight now, lads! Where's me blood and guts?

Flip: Ah! Finally, some violence as Luigi tries out a Green Missile attack, and rams his rival in the gut. However, slow recovery time hurts him when Waluigi comes back with a overhead double fist pound! Luigi's hit in the back of the head, and he slams into the rock face of the right platform. Waluigi tries out a Waluigi Fury(R) and starts stomping like a madman all over Weege's body.

Goom: But the Fury doesn't last forever: a rogue Bob-omb fires and stops Waluigi's melee, giving Luigi time to try out his sucker punch smash attack. It works almost too well... Waluigi is hit into the center cannon and fired onto the cloud platform above!

Fighters' Damage Meters!

Waluigi: Wha?! *rolls around on the clouds, and picks up a capsule* Ho ho! *drops down and tosses it at Luigi*

Flip: Luigi does a Super Jump Punch, and just barely misses getting hit by the capsule. It breaks on the right platform, and before the man in green can land to nab the prize, Waluigi drops down and grabs it. It's a Fire Flower! Looks like Luigi's in for a world of hurt! The steady stream of flames he just fell into has pushed him off the platform! The younger Mario brother is hanging on the edge!

Captain Syrup: But Luigi tis no stupid plumber. He jumps back up and does an immediate kick towards the uglier lad's face. He's knocked back, and looks quite the bit stunned by it.

Flip: Luigi follows it up with a combo punch, punch, back thrust, but Waluigi grabs him in the middle of it! Oh no! They're right near the edge of the arena too...

Waluigi: Around and around and around... *swings Luigi by his ankles* he goes! *lets go and Luigi is thrown off screen*
Fighters' Damage Meters!

Flip: Waluigi takes a breather before Luigi returns, and starts jumping around, in a show-off manner.

Luigi: Hey! I'm-a back now! *falls down from the return platform and, during his slight invincibility, does a karate chop pound to Waluigi's head*

Goom: Waluigi falls down and onto the middle platform. He quickly dives into the cannon, and hides from the oncoming Luigi. Luigi starts hitting the cannon, but it's doing him no good. All he's doing is jostling it around a bit!

Waluigi: Heeey! Q-quit sha-sha-king the cannon!

Flip: As we all know very well, shaking cannons is never a good idea, especially when they're armed with Bob-ombs.

Waluigi: Wh-what did he just say? *hears a hissing noise from inside* ....


Captain Syrup: Aye! Waluigi's been shot into the upper reaches of the level, just barely missing the borders. He lands on the cloud platform with a loud cracking noise...

Fighters' Damage Meters!

Flip: Which is our cue to toss in another item container! *rolls in a barrel on to the left platform* Enjoy!

Goom: Luigi seems to be ignoring your generous gift, Flip... He's going right for Waluigi to land that fatal blow to tie the game...

Luigi: Ha-ha! *misses with a sidekick, but does a quick recovery Luigi Tornado just as Waluigi rolls out of the way*

Waluigi: *points to himself and boasts* It won't be over that easily! Wha! *hits a few tennis balls in Luigi's direction*

Captain Syrup: The plumber is standing his ground, and shields against those there tennis balls. The laddy's doing a quick barrel roll, just missin' the ugly one's finger prod smash. Luigi props up on the other side of Waluigi, and gets in a beautiful Fire Uppercut that I'm sure the laddy will be boasting over fer weeks!

Waluigi: CURSESSSsss...! *is KO'd*

Fighters' Damage Meters!

Flip: The barrel is starting to disappear, as is my respect for these fighters... Neither of them accepted my gift! *pouts*

Goom: Don't fret... Luigi's dropped through the clouds and is using his Green Missile move to make it to the left platform. A one-two punch combo, and the barrel's contents are free! Ooo... looks like a... Garlic Bulb?

Waluigi: *appears on the revival platform* Ooo! Mine! Mine! Mine! *dashes for the Garlic*

Flip: Aw no! How did he revive so fast?!

Captain Syrup: It don't matter now much, kid! Luigi's already grabbed the Garlic and stuffed it down his gullet. His breath must be sweeter than a seagull's now...

Goom and Flip: *stare funnily at Syrup*

Flip: Anyways, the Garlic is similar to a Super Mushroom with an added side effect: the fighter obtains a horrible odor. So, imagine a Super-sized fighter who damages opponents if they touch them. Sound good? It does to Luigi.

Luigi: Ho ho! *jumps between the middle and left platforms, damaging Waluigi with his odor*

Waluigi: *holding his nose* Aw man! This guy's odor is too strong! I... can't breathe! I can't attack! *tries using a Springy Jump to make it out of the way, but Luigi lets loose a Super Jump Punch*

Goom: The uppercut demolishes Waluigi, sending him high into the air and crashing once again on the cloud platform. But it looks like he's got something in the works... Yes! He jumps back down and does a powerful Waluigi Headbutt. The fire that surrounds his body protects him from the odor, and allows him to ram Luigi right into the middle cannon!

Fighters' Damage Meters!

Captain Syrup: The humongous lad shrinks inside the cannon, and is strugglin' to break free. Like a Hylian slave tied to a rabid Cucco!

Waluigi: Wha ha ha ha! Now it's your turn, greaseball! *kicks the cannon so that it faces downwards at a right angle*

Flip: It's shaking... and...


Flip: Luigi is fired into the pit!

Fighters' Damage Meters!

Goom: Waluigi seems to be dancing... I hope he gets what's coming to him. No one messes with Luigi!

Waluigi: A-hee a-hee a-hee! Do do do! *smirking with a humongous grin and jumping about*

Luigi: No-a way! *drops down and does a drill kick*

Flip: Oh! Luigi's revenge is bitter sweet, as he drills right into the very heart of Waluigi with a drill kick to the chest. He follows it up with a Luigi Tornado, and begins charging another Green Missile attack.

Waluigi: Oh no... *recovers mid air* Wha?! *jumps out of the way and charges a Waluigi Headbutt*

Goom: It looks like the two will literally butt heads.. Who will release their attack first? It's... Luigi, who misfires and zooms like a bat outta hell straight for Waluigi. Waluigi tries a pathetically weak Waluigi Headbutt, and is blown away in a fiery explosion by the power of a misfired Green Missile. Waluigi is thrown off screen, while Luigi grabs the ledge of the right platform, climbs up, and jumps towards the center.

Fighters' Damage Meters!

Captain Syrup: Arrgh... Things need to be more exciting around here! D.D.! Kawasaki! Ready the Bills!

D.D. and Chef Kawasaki: Aye aye!

Captain Syrup: Since these fighters are on their last legs, I thought I'd be nice and fancy things up a bit for 'em. This Bonzai Bill should make matters more interestin'...

Flip: Ah! A Sudden Death! What a great idea!

Waluigi: *drops from the revival platform as Luigi jumps to the right* ... *stares him down and jumps to the left* .......

Luigi: ....

Flip: ....

Captain Syrup: FIRE!!!

Waluigi and Luigi: HUH?! *a humongous Bonzai Bill lands in the center of the arena and starts to tick off*

Waluigi: Wha wha wha! *starts scrambling to get out of its way when it explodes*

Luigi: Oh no you don't! *jumps up and kicks Waluigi towards the Bill*

Goom: It looks like Waluigi's goose is cooked! But no! He does a flip backwards, and Springy Jumps onto the cloud platform. Luigi follows, and the Bill detonates!


Everyone: ....

Flip: Damnit Syrup! Can't your crew pick something that isn't a dud?

Captain Syrup: I'm workin' on it! *motions for more Bills*

Goom: Uh oh! A dozen, maybe two dozen, Bullet Bills fly down onto the arena. The two fighters are trying their best to dodge... Well, really just Waluigi, who's moving to and fro trying not to get hit. Luigi, on the other hand, is trying to make this work for him. He dashes right through the missiles, not getting hit even once, and does a quick combo slap to Waluigi. Waluigi counters with a shin kick, but gets hit by a Bullet Bill in the process. Luigi tries a smash sucker punch, but just before he finishes, he's blown by a Bill. Guys! Drop down to another platform!

Fighters' Damage Meters!

Flip: Think they'll hear you Goom? It's like a battlefield down there... I doubt they can hear all the names their calling each other.

Captain Syrup: Yeah! *jumps up onto the table and starts punching* And hit him with your left! And your right! No! Dodge the stupid bombs! ARGH!

Goom: While Syrup enjoys this, we wonder who'll win... Luigi tries another smash punch, and gets this one in. Right after, he's hit by another Bill... Waluigi backs up to do a special, but is blown away in the process. He recovers, and starts a finger prod smash again.

Flip: But this time he's not close enough, and Luigi quickly grabs Waluigi's arm and holds him above him. He's using Waluigi as a human shield!

Waluigi: Whaaaaa! Put me down you wap! Aaahhhh!

Luigi: *smiles boldly* The only wap in this match is the bruise you'll get from this-a move! Ha! *tosses Waluigi straight up into the air*

Flip: That wasn't smart...Wouldn't the bombs blow up and send Waluigi straight back down? Oh, and Luigi's finally dropped below the cloud if you're curious...

Captain Syrup: True, laddy, but the explosions be hurting the ugly one even more, and he's really high up in damage!

Goom: So.. then... YES! Luigi is doing a SUPER JUMP PUNCH! It's all over! The uppercut has connected, Waluigi is gone! GAMESET! We have a winner!



(at Mario's Pad)

Luigi: Ah yeah! I proved myself worthy against my rival, just-a like you, Mario!

Mario: Yeah. That's-a very good! *sniffs* Hey, you smell something?

Luigi: Smell what? What does it smell like?

Mario: Like our-a mother!

Luigi: Oh! You mean that nasty garlicky sweat smell?

Mario: Yeah! That's it! Where's it comin' from? You?

Luigi Must be. I had to eat some garlic during that match I had. The smell offended Waluigi, even though he wanted it for-a himself.

Mario: *drooling* Mmm... Garlic... Hey, you know-a what? I was wonderin' this... Are there any Italian vampires? Because if there were, wouldn't they be killin' themselves? Ya know what I mean, no? They would kill themselves with their own food!

Luigi: I really don't worry myself over these things, Mario...

(in the SSS Cafeteria )

Mike: So then I said to Mica, "Well, just because you have magic powers doesn't mean you can fake it better." So then she says, "Yeah, well-"

Waluigi: *picks up Mike and tosses him on the floor, then sits down at the table with his meal*

Wario: Hey, what's the big idea? That kid had some great stuff! He was telling me about this alien chick with three boobs and... *rubs his palms together and starts to fantasize*

Waluigi: Shut up, Wario... I just lost to that guedo plumber, Luigi... And on YOUR arena too!

Wario: ...then she's got the power to do things you couldn't imagine to- Hey! *points at Waluigi, who's playing with his food* You gonna eat that?

Waluigi: Knock yourself out... Oh! *bangs his head on the table* I can't believe I lost...

Wario: *sucks in ala Kirby and swallows the meal whole* Mmm... Garlic...

Navi: *sitting in the corner of the cafe, watching and shaking her head with disgust* Overly Stereotypical Italians day... When the cafeteria gives out super garlicky food. But, anyways, to the questions:

1. Was the "on site" commentating interesting?
2. Was the Sudden Death thing cheap?
3. How about the Garlic Bulb item? Should that make a comeback in a later match?
4. Does Waluigi have reason to be depressed, and will he seek out revenge?
5. Where are the SPs during this Post-Match spiel?
6. Why are Goombas and Koopas both Mario enemies and racial slurs for Italians?
7. Why don't feminists wear bras? It's unsightly!
8. Will Mike be okay? Better yet: Will Wario?
9. Will Mario's new way of thinking become the hottest new fad? ARE there Italian vampires?

Navi: Well, I hope you enjoyed the match and come back real soon! I, on the other hand, have some things to attend to... *puts on her gas mask as she exits the cafeteria*