Match #70

The Question: Can the punished Superpowers commentate a match-up between the five newest fighters and the two Hands, Master Hand and Crazy Hand?

Fighters for Master Hand's Arena, Final Destination
Red Team Red Team Red Team Red Team Blue Team Blue Team
Peach Ice Climbers Zelda Bowser Master Hand Crazy Hand

This match was originally written by Flip.
The HTML was done by Positron 3D.

(a live recording covered with static appears on the big screen in front of the crowd)

Flip: *seen on the screen behind bars* Hello again... welcome to another installment of SSS...

Crowd: *cheers*

Flip: *sighs* Don't cheer. I'm in trouble for some stupid things.

Crowd: *gasps*

Flip: Yep. I'm commentating this match from what seems to be the Stadium Prison, as a few SPs ganged up on me after my lame acts over the past week.

Crowd: *boos*

Knight: *jumps up in front of the screen, blocking everyone's view* He WAS Dangerous!

Crowd: WHA?!

KiddyKong64: *stands up* Flip's not dangerous. He's misunderstood. Just like Chalky over here... *pats an albino armadillo in the seat next to him*

Marowak: I'm not an albino armadillo dammit! I already told you that! *throws his bone club at the writer of the match*

((Ouch! That hurt!))

Knight: He laid out childish revenge. He got what he deserved.

Pat: *pokes up behind Knight* And so did you, Knight. *points to a ball and chain tied around Knight's ankle*

Knight: That's different!

Pat: Sure it is Knight. *turns around and faces the sky as his eyes glow* With VGW retiring, and Flip and Knight kept under tight security... *folds his palms and starts to cry with joy anime style* I will rule the site!!

Flip: *on screen* Uh-Huh... And how do your propose to do that Pat?

Pat: Hey! That was a personal gloating, not one for all to hear.

Flip: Pfft. Like I should care. I'm a nosey little SOB. Besides... *dangling Billy the Trout from his hand* I brought a little company with me.

Pat: Billy! *sniff*

Knight: *sitting down* Okay you two... let's just cut the crap. We have a match to get to. *presses a button on the VCR*

Flip: *goes staticky* Hey! Now I can't be see---

(on tape)

Zero: *in the front seat of an old Chevy* C'mon Malon, you know you want to.

Malon: Oh, how could I resist? *leans over and starts unbuttoning her shirt*

Knight: WOAH! *ejects tape* Looks like someone accidentally gave us something from Zer's personal collection...

Flip: Heehee... Personal.

Positron: He is not a true player.

Knight: Here's the right tape...

(on tape)

VGW: *talking to Zelda, Peach, Bowser and the Ice Climbers* Now listen up guys! You four are our newest fighters at the Stadium. We've got a lot more coming in soon, but before we can let them in, we gotta test you guys out first.

Popo: But didn't we just defeat X?

Nana: And save all the old fighters from ROMs?

VGW: Err... yes, but this is to test you further. You guys weren't in full control of yourselves...

Zelda: But we still got to see what we could do. Besides, none of the other fighters had to do this.

VGW: Well...

Peach: For once, I actually think this isn't fun. C'mon VeeGee... *cooing* We don't have to fight anymore.

VGW: Heh... heh... well, this to show... teamwork and stuff... and...

Bowser: Geez PeeWee! Does she have to spell it out for you? W-E D-O-N-'-T W-A-N-T T-O F-I-G-H-T!! We already fought that stupid MechsClox thing, why fight some freakin' hands?

VGW: That's the other point I wanted to get to... Hand to Hand combat.

Popo: That pun...

Nana: ...sucked.

VGW: *sighs* You guys all won not only because someone else was controlling you, but you all lucked out on items. Please guys! Just fight on your own as a team to show us how good you can fair alone! I promise the hands won't be too hard.

Peach: Giant floating gloves don't sound dangerous now that I think about it.

Bowser: And with names like Crapster Hand and Daisy Hand, they gotta be thousands of times worse than that meddling plumber.

VGW: Then... you all agree to do this?

All: Yes.

VGW: Alright!

(end tape)

Pat: So... we have a match going on here between the team of our four newest fighters and the two medieval bosses at the Stadium, Master Hand and Crazy Hand.

Flip: *on screen* Sounds good to me. So... let's call out the fighters I suppose.

Knight: Let me! *presses the button that does whatever and the fighters appear on the Final Destination arena*

Peach: *walks in through a magic door that leads to Sub-Con*

Bowser: *jumps out of his Koopa Copter*

Zelda: *floats down in a giant crystal*

Ice Climbers: *jump off a moving cloud*

Knight: Release?

Flip and Pat: *nod*

Knight: *pulls the lever that brings in Master Hand and Crazy Hand*


Crazy Hand: alskdjfoiweurnvalsdufosasdnviesauroiwenrw!

((Hey, try and make as many words as you can out of that one!))

Flip: Well...


Crowd: *cheers*

Fighters' Damage Meters!
Ice Climbers
The Pair of Hands' Remaining HP
Master Hand
Crazy Hand

Knight: 'lright! This match has started off with a bang as Master Hand immediately sweeps the arena floor clean. He knocks back the five fighters, and hovers back to his normal position.


Zelda: Not on this Hylian's sacred life! *uses Farore's Wind to get back and does an upwards aerial Explosion Palm smash*

Pat: Wow! Zelda recovers with massive distance, and deals some heavy damage to Master Hand. Master Hand is trying to shake off the flames, but can't seem to get them to die down. Meanwhile, Crazy Hand is actually doing something, flying over towards the other four fighters and snatching them right in mid-air. He's crumbling them in his palm!

Fighters' Damage Meters!
Ice Climbers
The Pair of Hands' Remaining HP
Master Hand
Crazy Hand

Flip: But it's Zelda to the rescue! Zelda turns and dashes away from the burning Master Hand, and does a Lightning Kick dead on to Crazy Hand's knuckles. He drops the other four fighters, and starts having a spasm. They're all trapped!

Pat: Master Hand is coming in to get his dinner! While the fighters are trapped in the spasm, Master Hand charges a Rocket Fist Slam to crush them into oblivion!

Bowser: Augh! You little good for nothin' glove! *rolls away from the spasm and slashes Crazy Hand*

Crazy Hand: !!!! aldsfjaoisdufoavnolasriudgoanv!!! *straightens out in mid-air*

Pat: Bowser's just set Crazy Hand straight, and the other fighters are able to narrowly escape Master Hand's attack. Actually, Nana doesn't make it... Poor Eskimo. She's sent flying off screen, but before she dies, Popo is able to snatch her back with a Belay.

Flip: Now Master Hand is doing what I call the Greaser, where he spins around on his fingertips and knocks everyone up. However, the recovered Ice Climber duo then sets about doing a Blizzard attack, covering the ground around them. Master Hand takes some damage, but not before Crazy Hand lets loose a barrage of bombs, blowing back Peach and Zelda, breaking Bowser's shield!

Fighters' Damage Meters!
Ice Climbers
The Pair of Hands' Remaining HP
Master Hand
Crazy Hand

Knight: These fighters have little enthusiasm for fighting... Peach and Zelda are opting to avoid combat, while Bowser just stands there waiting to be hit. The Ice Climbers are using Ice Shots, but they're not reaching the two, hovering hands. It seems as if the two hands are taunting the fighters are actually... they're just sitting there.

Flip: Sitting there...

Pat: ...and attacking there. Master Hand zooms off into the background to do a Jet Palm attack, while Crazy Hand suddenly does a ground-clearing punch that sends everyone up into the air. Bowser's over the edge, and is actually KOed for once, while Peach and Zelda have no trouble getting back. The Ice Climbers... well, they're a little clumsy with the Belay, and they fall down too.

Fighters' Damage Meters!
Ice Climbers
The Pair of Hands' Remaining HP
Master Hand
Crazy Hand

Flip: Peach comes back full force, chucking turnips like there's no tomorrow. Zelda follows ensue with Din's Fire, and the two together rack up pain for Crazy Hand. However, Master Hand has returned, and zooms through the center of the arena full steam. Peach isn't careful, and gets thrown up and out into the background. Zelda, on the other hand, is quite the sparrer today, dodging the attack with ease.

Zelda: Time to really show the force of the Sages... *turns into Sheik*

Sheik: Hmph! *dashes at the resting Master Hand* Elusion! *does an Elude attack, the explosion of which damages Master Hand intensely*

Master Hand: *shakes it off and starts poking Sheik*

Crazy Hand: *snaps his finger and motions for Master Hand*

Sheik: ???

Master Hand: *spreads out his palm*

Crazy Hand: aldsnflkwaeurioanvlasdk! *folds into a fist and rockets right into Master Hand's palm, slamming Sheik into oblivion*

Sheik: Waaaaaaaaa!!! *dink*

Pat: What?

Fighters' Damage Meters!
Ice Climbers
The Pair of Hands' Remaining HP
Master Hand
Crazy Hand

Knight: Bowser's come back, and so have the Ice Climbers. And man, they look POed. Bowser starts off first by dashing for Crazy Hand, who's cracking his knuckles after that forceful punch. Nana and Popo head for Master Hand, who's stretching and shaking his palm after absorbing the forceful punch. All three fighters attack, and both hands feel the burn.

Bowser: Gwahaha! Let's see how you like it, Stromgilli breath! *uses Koopa Breath attack to burn Crazy Hand*

Popo: Yah! *grabs Nana's hand and the two spin into Master Hand*

Knight: So they're all hurting the hands in some way and... *sighs* this is lame guys.

Pat: Yeah... this match is pretty boring. You agree, Flip?

Flip: *holding a bar of Soap on a Rope in his hands, glancing around nervously* W-w-what did you guys say?

Pat: you think this match is boring?

Flip: Yeah, yeah... *gulps* Sure...

Knight: Okay... let's go. This really bites. *gets up to leave, but trips over his chain* ...oh yeah.

Pat: Heehee! I can go freely! *skips out of the commentating booth*

Knight: Aw man...

Pat: AAAHHH! *jumps back into his seat*

Knight: Huh? Why'd you jump?

Pat: *cringing* Zero and Malon were in the hallway...

Positron: Not a player at all.

Knight: Ewww... Well, I guess we should commentate...

Flip: *shaking and glancing around like Tweek on South Park* Ah! Okay!

Pat: Hey, look, we killed some time! They killed Crazy Hand!

Knight: This is just a lame way so the author can finish the match, huh?

((Shutup-a yo' face))

Flip: The mun's Italian?

Knight: Apparently...

Pat: Wait, so what happened? *checks stats* Oh, okay!

Fighters' Damage Meters!
Ice Climbers
The Pair of Hands' Remaining HP
Master Hand
Crazy Hand

Flip: Wow... Ah! A whole lot of-Ah!-hell went down there. Master Hand is shaking right now. He must've done some sort of Super attack with Crazy Hand. Ah!

Knight: Looks it! And the fighters all look overly exhausted. Damn... how could we miss such a good turning point?

Pat: Guys, shut up! We're missing more! *points to Peach*

Peach: Yah! *swings a tennis racket and smashes Master Hand*

Bowser: Rar! *Koopa Claws Master Hand*

Sheik: HMP! *chucks Needles into Master Hand*

Ice Climbers: Hah! *do a Meteor Hammer Smash*


Pat: Looks like the joke's on him! The combination of the cheezy attacks and the cheezy authoring skills have somehow blown Master Hand down to his last 150 Hit Points!

Knight: Bowser takes note, and dives for it! He lets lose a Bowser Bomb, doing major damage to the hand. However, Master Hand is now shooting finger point missiles, one which connects perfectly, sending Bowser towards the left side of the arena.

Flip: Ah! Peach is next to go, as a missile gone wrong has strewn off course and blown her back towards Bowser-Ah!

Pat: Sheik quickly transforms into Zelda and reflects the third missile, which hits Master Hand dead on! He's almost down!

Fighters' Damage Meters!
Ice Climbers
The Pair of Hands' Remaining HP
Master Hand
Crazy Hand

Nana: You're going down Mister Master!

Popo: Meet your icy grave!

Knight: The Ice Climbers do a Blizzard attack, which chills the burning hand. That sounded odd. *sticks out his tongue*

Flip: Ah! It's not your fault that the English language is blown.

Pat: And now, the grand finale! Master Hand is down to 100HP, and it seems the fighters are working a plan!

Bowser: Okay you bums, I'm working a plan!

Peach: Alright!

Pat: The five fighters line up, and one after the other. Looks like they're going to all attack at once...

Knight: Didn't VGW tell the author not to finish the match with one, giant, stupid, cheap KO attack?

Pat: This is multiple attacks, not one.

Knight: Oh! Got him on a technicality!

Pat: *nods* Bowser leads the brigade, starting with a Whirling Fortress. Master Hand recovers quickly, and starts walking along the ground, kicking the line of fighters out of his path.

Zelda: Were you not taught any manners? *executes a Nayru's Love attack to send back the hand*

Pat: Master Hand is hit, and returns, but only to come back and slap Zelda and Bowser into the ground. They're stuck!

Popo: That's not nice! *charges up a Smash attack*

Nana: Nope nope! *charges beside him*

Flip: Oh! They've just dual-smashed Master Hand hard as he came down to slam Bowser and Zelda some more. He's pretty much lost already.

Peach: Finished! *hovers and kicks Master Hand as he (Master Hand) rises from the ground*

Master Hand: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *his wrist explodes and he flies into the background*



VGW: Well, you guys proved yourselves!

Five Fighters: Alright! Yeah! W00t!

VGW: Now you're all free to do whatever you please. We won't be needing you for a while, but feel free to spar on your own if you wish. *winks*

Bowser: Yo, PeeWee!

VGW: What is it Bowser?

Bowser: You said I could do whatever I wanted... Does that mean I can go... *coughs* and attend to some "secret business?"

VGW: "Secret Business?"

Bowser: *whispers into VGW's ear*

VGW: I always knew you had something for her... Oh! Sorry.

Bowser: *frowning and blushing at the same time*

VGW: Umm... you're all dismissed!

Fighters: *leave*

Knight: VeeGee! *runs up to VGW* About my sentence...

VGW: Let me guess: it's unfair, Pat was power-hungry, Flip did worse, fans are revolting, and zombies ate my neighbors?

Knight: Err... Yeah.

VGW: No can do. A sentence is a sentence.

Knight: But Flip de-admined two SPs and then some...

VGW: You de-admined all SPs except yourself and me. How does that sound? Besides, Flip's served his sentence in terms of being de-SPed.

(at Stadium Jail)

Flip: Yay! I'm free! WooHoo!

Pat: *waiting for him to come out of the cell* Yeah yeah... just get a move on. You're lucky you weren't fired.

Flip: Geez... does everyone hafta say that?

Positron: No, everyone doesn't have to. Just Pat.

Pat: Yes. Now c'mon, let's go. I'm getting the creeps... all these hairy, dirty men waving and cooing towards me... *cringes*

(back wherever)

Knight: Hmm?

VGW: He commentated this match.

Knight: Oh, yeah, the one the author did a horrible job writing. Well, okay... I guess I'll serve the sentence. But... *holds up the ball and chain* Can you do something about this?

VGW: Oh yeah, sure. *ties on more weights* That better?

Knight: *falls down to his knees* Ugh... I guess this is all worth it...

VGW: *leaves the room chuckling to himself as Knight struggles to move*

Knight: I really need to learn my lesson... I guess asking questions might help...

#1. Will asking questions really save me from this embarassment?
#2. Was this match really, really horribly done?
#3. How come the fighters never really fought?
#4. What did Bowser ask Veege he could do anyways?
#5. Is it truly the right thing to do to allow higher ranking people to get out of trouble more easily than lower ranking people?
#6. And, is GameGuru really senile? I mean, he looks just like Gaspar from Chrono Trigger...

Knight: Well, I guess that didn't help. Maybe I can... just... take this thing off... *starts gnawing on the chain* Patooie! *spits out the metallic taste* Ugh... this will take a much longer time than I thought. *goes back to chewing*