(Another fight night in Smashtopia. Wild cheers erupt from the stadium, as
two announcers take their place in the traditional announcer stand thingie.)
Editor's Note: This match has been modified from its original version. It has been reformatted to at least make you grin.
Announcer 1: Greetings all you Smashtopians!
Announcer 1: Yes, it’s another night here at the Super Smash Arena! I’m
you’re host, Jim the mage!
Editor's Note: "Super Smash Arena??"
Announcer 2: And I’ll be your co-host, Introbulus! At least, that’s what I think I’ll be…
Jim: And boy, do we have a match for you tonight!?!
Jim: …Well, Introbulus? Do we have a match for them tonight?
Introbulus: Er…well actually, no.
Jim: …Care to elaborate on that, Introbulus?
Introbulus: Well, you see, we don’t have enough fighters for a match. So technically, we don’t have a fight…
Jim: WHAT!?!?! How could you forget the fighters? Didn’t I tell you to get a contract from Luigi?
Introbulus: Luigi? OH! I thought you said Mario!
Jim: No, you idiot! That was MY job!
Introbulus: Well, you said, “get the other Mario brother”, and I got confused…
Jim: Never mind! Just go get us a fighter already! Maybe we can still
save this sorry excuse for a fight!
Editor's Note: I don't like the I-want-my-money-back look the crowd's giving these two...
Introbulus: Right! I’m off!
Jim: You certainly are.
Jim: What? You’re still here? Uhhh…okay, I guess it’s my job to keep you occupied until our fighter arrives, right?
Koopa in Crowd: Right!
Jim: Fine then, I’ll sing for you.
Koopa in the Crowd: NOOOO!!!!
Jim: Security, would you kindly remove that Koopa from the Crowd?
Random Thug: Sure.
Koopa in the Crowd: You can’t do this to me! I want a lawyer!
Editor'sNote: Lawyers have been banned at the SSS ever since the DVGBC incident...
Jim: Now then, without further adieu…”Feelings…Nothing but…Feelings…”
Introbulus: I’m back!
Jim: Five minutes? Who could you get in five minutes?
Introbulus: It’s a surprise!
Jim: …I hate your surprises. They always involve something stupid.
Jim: (Sigh) anyway, let’s welcome our fighters. Appearing on the left-hand side of the stage, the world-renowned hero of the Mushroom Kingdom…it’s Mario!
(Mario arrives at the field of battle, via a warp pipe.) Crowd: (Cheer!)
Jim: Mario will be using his usual move set from Super Smash Bros. Melee. For those of you who are unworthy enough not to have a copy of such a game, it is highly similar to that of the original Smash Brothers, but with a reflective cape attack. For those of you who never owned either game, just sit back and watch, okay?
Introbulus: And on the other side of the stage, often considered one of the coolest bad@$$ villain/heroes of all time, it’s…Magus!
Zer: Erm...sorry... technical difficulties... blame Shane.(calls security to get rid of the fake Magus)
(A silhouette of Magus appears on the right hand side of the stage. It slowly clears out, revealing Magus with his Doom Sickle in hand.)
Jim: You brought MAGUS to Smashtopia?!?
Introbulus: Er…yeah? What’s wrong with that?
Jim: Well, he’s…EVIL!
Introbulus: So are you...
Jim: Yeah, but I can control that!
Introbulus: Well if he gets out of hand, you can send him right back in time.
Jim: …You traveled through time to get him?
Introbulus: Ya know, that’s a really funny story…
Jim: Never mind! I don’t think I want to know. Anyway, what’s his move set?
Introbulus: Oh yeah! The move set! Here you go!
Jim: That’s it?
Introbulus: Pretty much. All the other magic stuff is pushed into his Smash attacks.
Jim: Oh. Oh well. Now it’s time to choose the stage-o-the day!
Introbulus: Huh? Wait, if we haven’t chosen the stage yet, then how can they…?
Jim: Don’t bother with the quantum physics of space-time in the Stadium. Just pretend that it’s a generic platform used to generate battlefields or something. Anyway, let’s give that ol’ wheel a spin!
(Whirrrrrrrrllll! Clickity clickity clack clack clack clack clack…clack…clack DING!)
Introbulus: And the wheel landed on…Battlefield!
(Instantly, both Mario and Magus are transported to the Battlefield arena.)
Jim: This match will be a stock fight, two lives, and items whenever we
Editor's Note: This is a very poor way of hiding the fact that this is a biased battle ;p
Introbulus: And now, for those thousand or so viewers in the stands…
Jim: …as well as those 24 million mindless zombies staring at the TV screens…
Introbulus and Jim: …GO!
Editor's Note: *gasp* Heathen!! Thou hath skipped the corny intro!!
Jim: Mario drops down through the platform to deliver a drill kick…
Introbulus: …Only to be caught off guard by Magus’s
upward smash, Ice 2!
Editor's Note I told you this was biased!
Jim: Mario quickly lobs a few fireballs in the general direction of Magus…
Introbulus: …Only to be nullified by Magus' Magic wall!
Jim: We aren’t going to do this the whole fight, are we?
Introbulus: Do what? Oh wow! What a spectacular hit by Mario! I can’t believe you missed it!
Jim: …I’ll ignore that. Anyway, now it’s Magus’s turn, with a spectacular smash to the face! Ooo! I think I see some blood!
Introbulus: There’s no blood at Smashtopia!
Jim: There is now!
Introbulus: Fine by me, but now Mario’s giving Magus what-for with a magnificent combo attack, followed by a nice Super Jump Punch!
Jim: Magus retaliates with a swift combo of his own, and an awesome Fire-based smash!
Introbulus: Scoreboard Time!
Editor's Note: What?? Already??
Magus: 49 %
Introbulus: These guys are evenly matched, oddly enough!
Jim: Except that Magus has an upper hand. Looks like Mario’s going in for another quick attack.
Introbulus: But this time, Magus grabs Mario and throws him off the stage!
Jim: Not enough to warrant an ND, though. Mario comes back with a not-so-friendly knuckle sandwich for the Blue Haired One.
Introbulus: Magus gets up from this, and fires a small wave of Dark Mist at Mario.
Jim: Mario reflects it with his cape…but Magus avoids the blast by popping into a black hole!
Introbulus: Now Mario is taking the battle to Magus! He rushes towards Magus on an upper level, and tries for a Super Jump Punch.
Jim: Magus dodges this easily. He saw it coming! He’s ready with a quick Lightning 2 Smash attack sending Mario to the edge, hanging on for dear life!
Introbulus: Magus uses this time to charge up his Dark Matter attack.
Jim: Not liking that idea, Mario gets back up onto the main platform and rushes for Magus.
Introbulus: Magus draws the Dark Matter close to Mario…
Jim: DIRECT HIT! INSTANT KO!
Editor's Note: Well... now THAT was unexpected. *comment sponsored by SSS Russian supporter Czar Kasm™*
Mario: D1 at 98%
Introbulus: Not bad for a beginner.
Jim: Mario hops off the revival platform. Say Intro, how about an item?
Introbulus: All right then, capsule, go!
Jim: Mario grabs the capsule and throws it at Magus…it’s a hammer!
Introbulus: Mario gets to it first, and almost sends Magus flying all the way out of the arena! Good thing he ate a hearty breakfast!
Jim: Magus comes down carefully, avoiding Mario’s hammer by jumping around on platforms until it runs out.
Introbulus: Jim! Item! Now!
Jim: Oh all right. Here’s a nice bob-omb for you two.
Introbulus: They both rush to get it, but wait! That one’s already been lit!
Jim: Whoops! How clumsy of me.
Mario: Yah! That’s a spicy-a meat-a ball!
Magus: What curious creature is this?
ntrobulus: It seems Magus has never seen a bob-omb before, and doesn’t even know what it does! How stupid can you get?
Jim: Telling you that would be redundancy in itself.
Magus: Gotta time this right…
Introbulus: He’s going to attack the bob-omb! I can’t watch!
Jim: I can!
Introbulus: What happened? I heard two “voom”s, a “plop”, and a “boom”.
Jim: It seems Magus knew what he was doing after all. He used his dark portal to teleport the bob-omb off the stage, then got out of there before it blew up.
Introbulus: But it ends a bit anti-climatically, with a simple grab-& toss by Mario.
Jim: Darn it! You always get to see the cool stuff!
Introbulus: So how about a NEW item? Pokeball, go!
Jim: First a hammer, now a pokeball? You’re quite generous with items today.
Introbulus: Trying to balance the field a little bit…
Jim: But Magus doesn’t go for the pokeball, and instead decides to grab & toss Mario!
Introbulus: Bad move by Magus! Now Mario has the pokeball! Out comes…
Editor's Note: I was expecting a Magikarp for some reason...
Jim: A Blastoise! Magus doesn’t stand a chance!
Magus: D1 at 123%
Introbulus: All tied up now, this one’s for the win!
Jim: Magus is back in action, dropping through a platform and giving Mario a slash to the head!
Introbulus: Mario follows this up with a combo, ending in a Super Jump Punch!
Jim: Magus returns the favor with a nifty combo, followed by a downward throw and a quick smash!
Introbulus: Mario gives Magus a taste of his own medicine, with the exact same kind of combo Magus just used!
Luigi: Go Magus!
Mario: Little bro!?! I thought you would be-a cheerin’ ME on!
Jim: Wait, if Luigi is right over there, then why…?
Introbulus: Er…well…oh look! Magus just hit Mario in the face! Look! LOOK!!!!
Introbulus: Er…well…it’s true!
Jim: I hate you.
Introbulus: Okay. But now Mario’s got Magus caught in a devastating combo! Punch, kick, punch, kick, kick, punch, he’s up against the hypothetical ropes!
Jim: Hey Magus, catch this!
Magus: What’s this?
Introbulus: It’s a Metal Box! Now he’s Metal Magus!
Jim: Mario throws a few ineffectual fireballs at Magus, who simply rushes forward and delivers a devastating combo!
Introbulus: Mario’s got one chance! He’s got to throw Magus out of the ring! Mario makes a mad dash to grab….
Jim: A miss! Magus uses his Black Hole attack to screw up Mario’s grab attempt!
Introbulus: Now Magus has Mario in his hands, just as the Metal Box wears off! What a turn of tables this is!
Magus: Game Over, tubby.
Jim: He tosses Mario like an old rag doll! Mario’s out!
Winner: Magus: 98%
Loser: Mario: (KO) 105%
Introbulus: Pretty neat, eh?
Jim: (Sigh) You never cease to disappoint me, Intro.
Jim: …Let’s just get the interviews. We have our gnome on the spot, Phil?
Phil: I’m here in the loser’s locker room, talking to Mario, and he…
Mario: That match was-a-fixed! He was-a given a power-up at the last-a second!
Phil: How fascinating. Back to you, Jim.
Jim: Thanks Phil (I think), now let’s go over to the Lakitu for an interview with Magus in the winner’s locker room.
Lakitu: Thanks, Jim. I’m with Magus, who seems to be upset about something. What’s on your mind, Magus?
Magus: The tall one said he knew where Schala was. Where is she!?!
Lakitu: Er…I don’t know what you’re talking about sir, but I suggest to you guys up there that you run before Magus finds out you lied to him…
Magus: WHAT?!?! Where are they?!? I’ll kill the both of them!
Lakitu: Sir! Calm down! I, AHHH!!!! (FZZZZTTTT…)
Introbulus: Great, now we need a new camera Lakitu.
Editor's Note: I get the feeling that we'll need a new cameraman as well...
Jim: Never mind that. Just do the questions so we can get out of here!
Introbulus: Oh, all right!
1: Did you enjoy a match between Mario and
2: Do you think Mario should’ve won?
3: Or were you happy to see Magus win?
4: Want more matches by Introbulus and Jim?
5: Or will Magus just kill us both?
Magus: I’ll field that last question!
Introbulus: Magus! How did you find us?!?!
Magus: I followed the sound of your stupidity. Now stand still so I can kill you without getting blood on my weapon!
Jim: No thanks. I think I’ll be leaving now. (Disappears into another dimension)
Magus: Fine by me, it’s YOU I want anyway!
Introbulus: This is Introbulus on behalf of the Super Smash Stadium, saying goodnight and AHHHH!!!!! (SLASH!)
Zer: I must say, that was one heck of a movie. Don't you think so, Schala??
Schala: Hm.. yes...
Zer: But, of course, that Arwen isn't half as beautiful as you.
Zer: Say, would you like to eat something? I know a great Chinese Restaurant that's next to my place....