Super Mario Bros -- The Legend Begins
Written by Metal Mario

(We all know the face of the story behind Mario and Luigi's first journey to the Mushroom Kingdom and their victory over King Bowser Koopa. However, we don't know the inside details of the epic. Why and how did the legendary plumbers travel from their quaint home in Brooklyn, New York to the surreal fantasy world ruled by Princess Peach Toadstool? And what happened when they got there? This story is a creative re-telling of the origin of the Super Mario Brothers, incorporating elements from many titles in the celebrated series of video games. Enjoy.)

Mario studied the depressingly small cut of meat on his plate with sadness and longing in his eyes. There was even less food than last night. Things were getting more and more desperate all the time. "This can't be all we have," said Mario, although he knew it was wishful thinking.

With that bit of denial filling the air, Mario stood up from the kitchen table and stalked over to the refrigerator. His red shirt and blue overalls looked rather gaudy compared to the dirty, dismal surroundings of the walls, ceiling, and floor. The red cap with the letter "M" emblazoned on the front completed the colorful ensemble.

"Forget it, Mario," said Luigi, who was poking his fork at his own equally meager meal. "Heck, we didn't even have this much before we unclogged Mrs. O'Leary's sink the other day."

Luigi, although a bit younger than Mario, was a few inches taller. To differentiate his style from that of his brother, he wore a green shirt instead of red, and a green cap with the letter "L" stamped above the brim.

Mario and Luigi were plumbers, as their father had been before them. For seven years now, they had been keeping shop in the small, unassuming building in one of the dirtier parts of Brooklyn, New York. Although of Italian descent, Mario and Luigi had been born in America, and they felt slightly out of place in what they privately referred to as "the immigrant zone." But try as they frequently did, they just couldn't seem to get out of Brooklyn. Various factors frequently threw themselves in the way of their escape into a nicer neighborhood, but at this point in time, money was the biggest problem. In fact, as their assets currently stood, the brothers doubted they could afford a taxi ride to Queens.

"I can't take much more of this, Luigi," said Mario. "Look at me. I'm wasting away to nothing!"

Luigi smirked but didn't say anything. He knew that Mario would eat his own tongue before he risked wasting away to nothing.

"Well, maybe you can have a decent meal tomorrow night when you take Pauline out," said Luigi, attempting to cheer his older sibling up. "You just better hope she'll be willing to pay for once."

"Pauline and I broke up," said Mario, quietly.

Luigi was surprised at this news.

"Really? When?" he asked.

"Just last weekend," answered Mario. "Funnily enough, she disappeared when the money and presents stopped coming. So now I'm at your status."

"Yeah," said Luigi, sadly remembering how his own girlfriend, Daisy, had dumped him just two weeks ago. "Never mind, Mario. She wasn't good enough for you anyway. I wasn't going to mention it before, but I think the gum-chewing, nose-picking blonde species of woman is entirely the wrong avenue for you. What you need is a big fat washerwoman who can throw together a good pasta dish."

"Don't mention pasta!" said Mario. "My stomach is suffering enough as it is. I'm telling you, Luigi, if we don't get some business soon, we're through."

Luigi knew that his older brother was right on that account. Their plumbing business had been suffering for several weeks now. Their debts and expenses soon overtook their actual income, and the brothers now found themselves deep in debt and barely able to keep food on the table.

"And you know whose fault it is, don't you?" said Mario, angrily. "It's those blasted cousins of ours. You'd think they'd feel a sense of family loyalty, but no. That doesn't mean a thing to the Wario brothers."

Wario and Waluigi were the Mario brothers' cousins, but looked enough like them to be two other brothers. But although there were undeniable physical likenesses, the Wario brothers were very different from Mario and Luigi. Where Mario and Luigi were kind and sympathetic, Wario and Waluigi were hard-hearted and bitter. Money was the only thing that ever satisfied the Wario brothers. They were greedy, lying, cheating, tight-fisted misers that made Ebenezer Scrooge look like Santa Claus. Like their cousins, the Wario brothers were also plumbers. However, their business was much different from that of our heroes. Whereas Mario and Luigi did all their own work, handled all their own affairs, and operated out of a small shop, the Wario brothers jointly commanded an ever-growing corporate empire that employed no fewer than five hundred people and was quickly taking over all the plumbing business in the area, leaving Mario and Luigi out in the cold. (Truth be told, the Wario brothers didn't know the first thing about plumbing. All they knew was the money it brought in.) The Mario brothers had just finished their bite-size dinners when the bell over the shop's front door rang.

"Ah, a customer," said Mario, throwing down his napkin and dashing to the door. "Hopefully with a huge blockage problem."

But as Mario opened the door, his joyful expression soon turned to one of disappointment and resentment as he beheld who really stood on the doorstep.

"Hi, guys," sneered Wario. "My brother and I thought we'd drop by. I sincerely hope we're not intruding on your dinner hour."

"Dinner?" said Mario. "Yeah, I remember what that used to be like. Picking up bits of food on a fork and inserting it into your mouth. Luigi and I used to do that quite often. Up to three times a day, in fact."

"I'm sorry," lied Wario. "Are times hard?"

Mario didn't answer this time as Wario and Waluigi pushed past him and entered the shop. Now that they were in the light, both Mario and Luigi could see that their odious cousins had come up a treat. They were both sporting black tuxedos and tall top hats, decorated with gold buttons and silk sashes. In their right hands, they both gripped a diamond-studded walking stick which neither needed for support, or anything else but showing off.

"Putting on the Ritz?" asked Luigi.

"Do you like it?" asked Wario. "We're going to Tavern on the Green after this."

"We've got rather hot dates," said Waluigi. "Wario's taking Pauline, and I'm taking Daisy."

Mario's eyes flashed and his nostrils flared at this new development.

"You've got Pauline and Daisy?!" he snarled.

"They are women who enjoy the finer things in life," said Wario, elegantly picking a piece of lint off of his left lapel. "And money certainly ranks in the top three."

"There's more to life than just money," said Luigi.

"Notice how it's always the financially challenged who say that," said Waluigi.

Luigi could see that Mario was close to losing it, and truth be told, he wasn't too happy himself, so he attempted to change the subject.

"What are you guys here for anyway?" he asked.

At this latest question, Wario and Waluigi exchanged mean-spirited glances and snickered to each other.

"We're here to kick you out," said Wario.

"What?" asked Mario and Luigi in unison.

"Well, what with our plumbing empire becoming bigger all the time, it only seemed natural to eliminate any and all competition as swiftly as possible," said Wario.

"So, we bought your shop from your landlord," said Waluigi.

"But that's impossible," said Luigi. "Mr. Henckenmeir promised us that we'd be the exclusive users of this facility."

"He soon changed his mind when we dangled a few thousand dollars in front of his face," said Waluigi. "That's right," said Wario. "As of this moment, we own this building. That means that you're trespassing on our property. So pack your bags and get out."

"But our living quarters are in the back room," protested Mario. "If you kick us out, we'll be homeless!"

"You must have me confused with someone who cares," said Wario. "Now get out before we call the police."

The dirty streets of Brooklyn became cold and foreboding as night fell on the city. The chilling wind whipped at discarded litter and blew it into the air, only to have it land just a few yards away from its original resting place. Homeless immigrants wearing nothing but rags cowered in doorways, and suspicious-looking characters with switchblades in their pockets skulked in dead-end alleys. Considering the dangers of nocturnal Brooklyn, Mario and Luigi had always made it a point to be home before the sun set. Tonight, however, they didn't have a home to go home to. So instead, they stood before the river, staring forlornly into its polluted, inky depths.

"So, are you going to jump first, or shall I?" Mario asked his brother.

"I don't know," said Luigi, thoughtfully. "Personally, I still think that drowning is a horrible way to die. Why don't we just go jump off a building instead?"

"Because if we somehow fail to make the fall fatal, we'll be in a world of hurt," said Mario, simply.

"Trust me, drowning is best."

"It just seems so wrong," said Luigi. "A plumber drowning to death. It's like admitting to the final defeat or something."

"Look, if you're not going to jump, then I will," said Mario.

"Oh, all right," said Luigi. "We might as well get this over with."

With that, Luigi sighed one last time and jumped into the river. He stayed below the surface for a few moments, and Mario was just about to follow him, when the surface of the river burst and Luigi came flying out onto dry land again.

"Luigi, we're committing suicide here," sighed Mario. "We're not supposed to come back out. We're supposed to stay in until the dredger picks us up."

"It's too cold, Mario!" exclaimed Luigi. "And it's even worse now that I'm out in this cold night air again! There's no way I can stay in there long enough to drown!"

Mario slapped himself on the forehead and sighed deeply.

"Boy, we're a real success story, aren't we?" he said. "We can't even kill ourselves properly."

"Kill yourselves?" said a third, unseen voice. "Now, why on Earth would you want to do a silly thing like that?"

"Who's there?" asked Mario.

In response to Mario's query, a figure stepped out of the shadows. Upon closer inspection, the brothers realized that the newcomer was an old man with a hunched back, a long, gray beard, and a pungent odor.

"I said, why would you want to do a silly thing like killing yourselves?" asked the newcomer.

"Because our evil cousins have stolen our business, our home, and our girlfriends," answered Luigi.

"Well, throwing yourselves in the river certainly isn't going to solve anything," said the old man. "If anything, it just lets the bad guys win."

"The bad guys always win," said Mario.

"You might be right there," said the old man, nodding thoughtfully. "Bad guys do tend to get the upper hand in many situations. However, there are plenty of good guys as well. You two, for example."

"Good guys? Us?" said Mario. "Yeah right. We're probably the two most pathetic people in the whole city."

"That doesn't diminish your 'good guy status'," said the old man. "Trust me, I know. I can always pick out good guys and bad guys. And although you may not know it, you two are real heroes."

"Now I've heard everything," said Mario. "Listen, old-timer, we're a bit busy here at the moment, so maybe you could go away and leave us alone."

"Don't believe me, eh?" said the old man. "Then I suppose that means I'll have to prove it to you."

With that, the old man snapped his bony fingers and a tall green object instantly sprouted out of the ground like a quick-growing plant. Mario and Luigi recognized it instantly. Having been plumbers for several years, they knew a pipe when they saw one.

"How did you do that?" asked Luigi.

"This is a Warp Pipe," said the old man, ignoring Luigi's question. "If you want to get away from it all, this is the way to do it. You say you're down on your luck? You say that life isn't worth living anymore? Then take a spin in the pipe and watch your minds change."

"You've got to be kidding me," said Mario. "Who are you anyway? Some kind of escaped weirdo?"

"You didn't believe me when I called you heroes," said the old man. "The magic power of the Warp Pipe will surely help you see the light. Go on. Jump in."

"No way," said Mario.

"Suit yourself," said the old man. "But is drowning yourselves in the river really any better?"

Mario was about to reply, but before he could even open his mouth, the old man had vanished. Disappeared without a trace. Mario and Luigi looked at each other in dismay. Then they looked at what the old man had called the Warp Pipe. Then they looked at each other again.

"So, what do you think?" asked Luigi.

"I think the guy was a fruitcake," said Mario.

"But what if he was telling the truth?" asked Luigi. "What if that pipe really is special?"

"I think you're going out of your gourd, Luigi," said Mario.

"Well, we might as well try it, Mario," said Luigi. "What have we got to lose?"

Mario gave Luigi a long look, but finally sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

"All right, fine," he said. "Let's check it out."

Mario and Luigi approached the tall, green pipe and carefully examined it. It looked harmless.

"The old guy said we had to jump in," said Luigi. "Are we going to try it or not?"

"After you," Mario invited.

Luigi peered over the rim of the pipe and down into what looked like a very deep, very dark tunnel. But it was no darker or deeper than the river. So, taking a deep breath and commending his soul to the heavens, he hefted himself over the side and down into the blackness. Seconds later, Mario followed him.

Mario and Luigi felt their stomachs flip-flop and almost passed out more than once as they plummeted down what seemed to be a bottomless abyss, shrouded in darkness. They could do nothing but scream as they fell countless miles down the mysterious pipe.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, the tunnel came to an abrupt end and the Mario brothers shot out into the light. They continued to fall for another twenty seconds, then landed on something soft.

For a full two minutes Mario and Luigi lay where they had landed and didn't move or speak. But finally, they were able to regain their composure to a sufficient level in order to slowly prop themselves up on their elbows and look around. What they saw amazed them.

It had been nighttime in Brooklyn, but now, judging by the position of the sun, it had to be the early afternoon. The sky was bright blue and filled with puffy, white clouds that almost looked like they were smiling.

The landscape beneath the blue sky was nothing short of exotic and was like nothing the Mario brothers had ever seen before. It seemed like a hundred different environments all combined into one. Whole glaciers cascaded down mountains and came to rest in sunny valleys, where they melted and formed lakes and rivers. Raging volcanoes erupted their fiery discharge in a mix of molten lava and billowing black smoke. Scorching deserts merged with lush grasslands. And perhaps most baffling of all, the entire landscape was dotted with enormous, tree-sized, multi-colored mushrooms. Incidentally, it was one of these fungal specimens that had cushioned the brothers' landing.

"So, what do you think?" Mario asked his younger brother. "Personally, I think we're tripping."

Mario and Luigi stood up from their landing place on the toadstool, nimbly jumped to the ground, and brushed themselves off. But they didn't even have a chance to make another move before they were unexpectedly attacked.

"Yowch!" screamed Luigi. "Something's biting me!"

"Holy guacamole!" exclaimed Mario. "There's a turtle the size of an Italian meatball chomping on your leg!"

Luigi looked down and indeed he saw a monstrous turtle-like creature sinking its teeth into his left leg. The turtle walked upright on its hind legs and was at least two feet tall. Perhaps its most distinctive feature was the bright red shell on its back.

"Get it off!" shrieked Luigi. "Get it off! Get it off!"

Employing a generous amount of physical strength, Mario kicked the hostile creature and watched as it lost its grip on Luigi's leg and flew away into the distance. Luigi clapped his hand to his chest and struggled to catch his breath.

"What the heck was that?" he asked no one in particular.

"Beats me," said Mario. "I didn't even see it coming."

Suddenly, something else happened that the Mario brothers didn't see coming. Before they had a chance to react, five more strange creatures appeared. These weren't turtles, however. In fact, they bore a striking resemblance to four-foot-tall mushrooms with arms, legs, and faces.

"Hands in the air, punks!" demanded one of the mushrooms, brandishing a spear at the brothers. "Go on, get 'em up!"

Mario and Luigi were too surprised to do anything but comply with the request. As they did so, the other four newcomers quickly circled them, carrying spears of their own. They were surrounded now.

"Handcuff them and frisk them," ordered the mushroom who had spoken first. "Then we'll take these two weirdoes to see the Princess."

This was all getting to be a bit too much for Mario and Luigi. They could feel themselves drifting dangerously close to the breaking point. First, their own cousins had robbed them of everything that was important in their lives. Then some old man had sent them on a hellish trip through a weird pipe. And then they had landed in this bizarre land, where they had been attacked by turtle monsters and captured by mushrooms. Now they were being escorted by those same mushrooms down a cobblestone path to what their captors had said was a princess's castle. Heaven only knew what would happen then.

The procession finally reached the castle's main gate. The brothers' escorts nodded to the guards at the gate, who were also mushrooms, and continued to lead them inside. From there, it was only a short walk to the royal chamber where the royal monarch of this land presided.

"Your highness," said the lead guard, bowing. "We present you with these unidentified trespassers."

Mario and Luigi looked around the royal chamber. As far as they could tell, the princess they were addressing was the attractive blonde in the elaborate pink gown. They were surprised to behold another person who looked even remotely human, especially since everyone else in the room looked like mushrooms.

"Bow before our princess!" ordered the guard, encouragingly jabbing Mario in the side with his spear.

Mario and Luigi both bowed politely, hoping that would satisfy their captor. It was the princess that spoke next.

"All right, that's enough," said the princess. "You don't have to treat them like enemies of the realm."

She turned to the handcuffed plumbers, with a friendly yet cautious expression on her face.

"I'm Princess Peach Toadstool, ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom," said the Princess. "And who might you be?"

"Please, your highness," said Luigi. "We're just two poor lost plumbers who don't belong here and have no idea what's going on. Whatever law we have broken, we assure you that it was not intentional." Princess Peach Toadstool studied the prisoners for a few moments, then gave a command to the guards.

"Release them," she said. "They don't work for Bowser."

The leader of the guards looked as if he doubted the princess's judgment, but he did as directed. He fit the key into the brothers' shackles and the chains fell away. Mario and Luigi rubbed their wrists in order to get the circulation flowing again.

"What are your names?" asked Peach.

"I'm Mario, and this is my brother, Luigi," said Mario.

"Well, I'm very sorry for the cold reception you received upon entering our peaceful kingdom," said Peach. "But I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you that we're in the middle of a struggle at the moment."

"Princess, are you sure its wise to mention such things in front of foreigners?" asked a mushroom with a large handlebar mustache.

"You worry too much, Chancellor," said Peach. "I tell you that Bowser has no relationship with these two travelers."

"Who's this Bowser that you keep mentioning?" asked Mario.

"King Bowser Koopa is our kingdom's biggest problem at the moment," answered Peach. "He's a power-hungry tyrant who's already conquered much of the territory surrounding the Mushroom Kingdom. Now he's got his sights set on this land, and we fear that we aren't powerful enough to resist him for much longer."

"He has a huge army, unlimited resources, and mostly everyone in the kingdom is scared to death of him," added the Chancellor.

"Hmm," said Luigi. "Power-hungry, greedy, and a bully. Sounds like our cousins."

"We only barely managed to fend him off last time," said Peach. "But we lost much of our defenses in the process. I'm afraid that when he tries again, all is lost."

"And then what happens?" asked Mario.

"Simple," said the Chancellor. "Bowser will plunder the kingdom and enslave us all."

"This Bowser sounds like a really rotten guy," said Luigi. "Maybe we could do something to help."

"You're taller and more muscular than the average mushroom," said Peach. "But I still don't think you'd stand much chance against Bowser. You see, he's an eight-foot-tall turtle with fiery breath, more spikes than a porcupine, and a really bad attitude."

Mario and Luigi looked at each other.

"Well, an hour ago that would have seemed strange," said Mario. "But now, I'll believe anything."

Before the conversation could continue further, a loud commotion was suddenly heard outside the castle. Moments later, the two guards who had been at the gate barged into the throne room, covered with bruises and looking as if they had seen a ghost.

"Your highness! Your highness!" they shouted. "Bowser is here!"

"Oh no," said Peach, hoarsely.

Before anyone could react, the doors burst open once again and a huge monster appeared in the doorway. Judging by Peach's earlier description, the Mario brothers knew that it had to be Bowser.

"Honey, I'm hooooome!" declared Bowser. "Did you miss me?"

The Chancellor and retainers scattered, screaming in terror, but Peach remained fixed to the spot, glaring defiantly at the newcomer.

"Giving me the cold shoulder, huh?" observed Bowser. "Well, let's see if we can heat it up a bit!"

With that, the huge turtle took a deep breath and exhaled a shower of flame, which quickly began consuming the royal drapes.

"Somehow I never get tired of doing that," said Bowser. "Now pack your bags, Princess! You're coming with me!"

"I'm not going anywhere with you!" replied Peach.

"Oh, yes you are!" declared Bowser. "Since you've proven stubborn against my past efforts, I'm going to try a new approach! I'll keep you locked up in my castle until you agree to hand over your kingdom! Get her, men!"

On their leader's command, two more of the turtle-like creatures that Mario and Luigi had encountered earlier rushed forwards and seized the Princess by her arms. A third turtle, this one hovering with the assistance of wings attached to its shell, seized Peach's ankles and hoisted her into the air, so that she was now being held in a horizontal position above her enemies.

"Now, let's get back to the castle," said Bowser.

"Oh, no you don't!" shouted Mario, leaping in front of the behemoth, brandishing a poker he had snatched from the fireplace. "Release the Princess and get out, or I'll deal with you myself!"

"You'll deal with me?" asked Bowser, a smirk spreading across his reptilian face. "How?"

"Like this!" said Mario.

And with that, Mario swung the poker against the monster's huge body. But it did no good. In fact, the poker actually bent when it struck Bowser's thick shell.

"Say, that's pretty good," said Bowser to the dismayed Mario. "What do you do for a finish?"

Bowser didn't have time to make more sarcastic remarks before he was hit again, this time by the other plumber. Luigi had launched himself through the air on a straight trajectory for the back of Bowser's skull. However, the attack was unsuccessful and he simply bounced off, barely missing one of the larger spikes on Bowser's shell.

Bowser turned to face the Mario brothers and laughed.

"Well, it's been a laugh, guys, but enough is enough," he said.

With that, Bowser seized both Mario and Luigi by their respective ankles and flung them both like rag dolls all the way across the throne room, where they hit the wall and landed in a heap. Neither of them moved.

"So long, suckers!" crowed Bowser.

And then he was gone. And so was the Princess.

"Hey, guys! Dad's back!" exclaimed Larry Koopa, looking out the tower window at their father's trademark Clown Copter cutting through the dark sky. "And he's got the Princess!"

Larry Koopa, joined by his six siblings, charged down the winding staircase and into the castle's main hall, where they waited for their father to enter with his prize.

"I'm back!" declared Bowser, swinging the heavy castle door open with a force that rocked its hinges.

"We see that you've got Princess Toadstool, Daddy," said Wendy O. Koopa, Bowser's only daughter.

"Did you have any trouble?" asked Ludwig Von Koopa, the eldest.

"Piece of cake," answered Bowser. "Those fungus-heads really are as dumb as they look. There were these two humans that tried to interfere, but they were total pansies."

Bowser snapped his fingers and the turtles escorting Peach handed her over to the Koopalings.

"Do you want us to put the Princess in the dungeon?" asked Ludwig.

"No, tie her up in the throne room instead," said Bowser. "I expect the Mushroom Kingdom to agree to my ransom shortly, and I'll need her on hand to sign the surrender."

"Yes, father," said the Koopalings, and with that, all seven of them hurried the helpless Peach into the throne room.

Now left alone, Bowser strutted over to the table in the corner of the room and poured himself a glass of Kero Kero Cola. It was a carbonated beverage that had a faint taste of lemon, and was a famous product of the Mushroom Kingdom. As far as Bowser was concerned, the cola was the only good thing about Princess Toadstool's nation full of weak mushrooms and smiling clouds. The first thing he'd do when he gained control of the Mushroom Kingdom would be to turn the whole place into an alternate headquarters for his operations. That would mean stripping away all the kingdom's lush beauty and replacing it with a generous amount of dark caverns and lava lakes. King Bowser Koopa relished the thought.

Having finished his cola, Bowser crushed the empty glass, opened his hand to let the broken shards fall to the stone floor, then pressed a button mounted on the wall. Moments later, a cloud of smoke materialized in the chamber, and a turtle wearing a blue robe and a pointy blue hat materialized even further from that.

"You called me, King Bowser?" asked the newcomer.

"My plans have almost reached fruition, Kamek," said Bowser to his loyal and long-serving magician. "Soon, the Mushroom Kingdom will be mine."

"You've had your eye on that territory for quite some time now, King Bowser," said Kamek.

"Yes," said Bowser. "And I'd like to see the person who dares to try and stop me from taking it."

Mario groaned and opened his eyes. He was lying on his back, staring up at the castle ceiling. Instantly, the events of recent hours came flooding back to him. He quickly sat up and noticed that Luigi had also just recently come to his senses.

The royal throne room was chaos. Small flames still burned on what was left of the tapestry and furniture, and unconscious mushroom people lay everywhere.

"Well, we sure showed him," said Mario, sarcastically.

"Bowser must have made off with the Princess," said Luigi, doing an excellent job of stating the obvious.

"He did indeed," said the Chancellor, climbing out from behind a smashed table. "And now, I'm afraid that our kingdom is lost."

"Why?" asked Luigi.

"If we don't agree to give Bowser full control of the Mushroom Kingdom, then he'll keep our beloved Princess locked up forever," moaned the Chancellor, mournfully. "We have no alternative."

"Well, don't sign those papers just yet," said Mario, getting to his feet. "We haven't had a chance to have a second crack at him yet."

"You can't be serious," said the Chancellor, staring at Mario and Luigi with wide eyes. "He's already beaten you once with ease. What makes you think you can best him?"

"We were unprepared earlier," said Mario. "But now we know a bit about him and how he works. I think we'll stand a chance against him next time we meet. So, which way did he go?"

The Chancellor shook his head in disbelief.

"I still think that both of you are crazy, but if you must know, he went back to his castle stronghold in his own kingdom that he calls Darkland," said the Chancellor. "You get there by traveling through the orange Warp Pipe a couple of miles from here. But I beg you not to go. His kingdom is infested with hideous monsters and lethal traps. You won't survive the ordeal, I assure you. What makes you think that you are capable of rescuing our Princess?"

"The words of an old man keep coming back to me," said Mario. "Words that I think I understand the meaning of now. Anyway, we're off to kick some butt, so don't wait up."

Upon their arrival in Bowser's realm, Mario and Luigi could see why the Koopa King called it Darkland. The only source of light was the seemingly infinite amount of lava lakes and fiery geysers. There was no vegetation in sight, and the only thing littered along the ground besides rocks was a staggering collection of charred bones. It was, quite frankly, the most foreboding place that the Mario brothers had ever seen.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all," said Luigi.

"Too late to turn back now," said Mario. "And besides, we've got a whole kingdom depending on us."

"Yeah, I know," said Luigi. "Let's go."

As far as Mario and Luigi could see, the Chancellor had been exaggerating when he had said that Bowser's realm was infested with monsters and traps. The plumbers had traversed the entire network of lava rivers without incident and had almost reached the castle's front door, and still no trouble. Maybe the Koopa King simply didn't expect anyone to have the guts to enter his domain. But that was where he was quite obviously wrong.

"So, what do we do?" asked Luigi. "Knock on the front door and say that we're delivering a pizza?"

"I say we go for the direct approach," said Mario.

With that, Mario pushed against the huge door. Only half-surprisingly, it budged.

"It seems that our friend is a bit over-confident," said Mario. "He doesn't even lock the door. Come on, push."

Luigi joined his brother in pushing on the heavy steel door and, after a few more moments of effort, it swung open, allowing the plumbers to enter.

"Sheesh," said Luigi, taking in the castle's dark, foreboding atmosphere. "What a bit of wallpaper couldn't do for this place."

"This hall looks deserted," observed Mario. "I don't think they know we're here yet."

Mario barely had time to finish his sentence before a loud alarm suddenly started ringing and the seemingly-empty hall was bathed in red flashing lights.

"On the other hand, you can't deny the possibility," said Luigi.

"Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!" shrieked a hidden loudspeaker. "All available personell report to the main hall at once! Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!"

Within seconds, a legion of turtles came charging down the nearest staircase, shouting angry battle cries.

"Well, so much for doing this the easy way," sighed Mario.

Mario and Luigi leapt into the center of the hall to meet the turtles halfway and the battle began. Since the turtles were only half the size of the plumbers, and employed biting, punching, and kicking as their primary attacks, it seemed that the Mario brothers might get the upper hand. But just as the last of the turtles had been dispatched, another group of defense troops surged into the hall. Far from being comprised of just turtles, however, this new crowd seemed to include all kinds of exotic creatures. There were turtles in wizard costumes, turtles in football uniforms, turtles armed with hammers, and turtles with spikes on their backs. There were little fanged mushrooms and giant caterpillars. There were bomb-like creatures with wind-up keys in their backs, and mysterious monsters totally enshrouded in cloaks and masks. There were ghosts with little arms and sharp teeth, and three-headed snakes, and huge slabs of stone that loped along clumsily on two stubby feet. And they were all charging towards the Mario brothers.

"So, what do we do now?" asked Luigi.

"I've only got one idea," said Mario. "Run away!"

With that, Mario and Luigi took off running down the dark hallway with Bowser's minions in hot pursuit.

"This is ridiculous," said Luigi. "How can we rescue the Princess if we're just going to run away from every enemy we meet? There must be something around here we can use to defend ourselves."

"I'm open to suggestions," said Mario.

"Maybe there's something in there," said Luigi, pointing to a door they were passing that displayed a sign saying Item Arsenal.

Mario and Luigi screeched to a halt and flung open the door. Upon doing so, they beheld a small closet filled to the brim with odd-looking items. The stockpile was positively filled with frog costumes and giant green boots and twinkling stars and metal hats.

"What the heck is all this supposed to do?" Mario asked no one in particular.

"Just grab something," said Luigi, picking up a flickering red flower.

To the astonishment of the Mario brothers, the moment that Luigi touched the flower, his overalls changed from blue to white and his shirt and hat lost their usual green color in favor of a bright orange. But even more surprises accompanied this transformation. As Luigi stretched out his arm to examine himself further, he was surprised to see a decent-sized fireball form on the end of his fingertips and launch itself through the air at bullet-fast speed, and finally splatter and fizzle against the far wall.

"Wow!" exclaimed Mario. "Let me try one of these things!"

With that, Mario reached into the stockpile and grabbed a small brown leaf. Nothing seemed to happen for a few seconds, but then he felt a curious, slightly painful sensation in his ears. The pain didn't stay isolated for long, however, as it quickly spread to his lower back.

"Ouch!" exclaimed Mario. "What the heck is going on here? The pain is getting worse!"

But then, just as swiftly as the pain had begun, it ceased, and Mario looked down at himself to see what looked like a raccoon's tail sprouting from the small of his back.

"Okay, this is just getting weird," he said, dismayed.

"If you think that's weird, feel your ears," said Luigi. "They're gone. They've been replaced by raccoon's ears."

"So my super power is to spread rabies?" asked Mario.

Mario and Luigi didn't have time to discuss their transformations further before they heard their pursuers catching up with them. "Okay," said Luigi. "Hopefully we'll stand a better chance now."

Mario and Luigi turned to face their foes just as they came careening around the corner. The monsters didn't even stop. Instead, they launched themselves at the Mario brothers, brandishing whatever weapons they had handy.

Luigi raised his right arm and another fireball appeared. This one smashed into the aggressor in the lead, who happened to be one of those peculiar-looking turtles wearing a football uniform. His pads weren't enough to protect him from Luigi's firey assault, however, as he went sailing across the room and smashed into the wall.

"The intruder has one of the master's Fire Flowers!" exclaimed a Magikoopa. "Get him!"

A group of minions converged on Luigi, while the others warily stalked towards Mario. Mario put up his fists in a fighter's position and egged them on.

"Come on," he invited. "Put up your dukes!"

A blue-shelled Koopa Troopa rushed forward with his fist out-stretched, hoping to catch the portly plumber in the belly. Mario lashed his own bigger fist out and neutralized the turtle's attack, then dodged another punch by spinning around.

It was when Mario spun around that he realized that his new tail was far more useful than it had at first seemed. The thick end of the tail caught the Koopa Troopa on the jaw and sent it flying.

"Say, that's pretty good," said Mario. "I wonder what else I can do with this thing."

Mario learned the answer to his question when he jumped into the air to avoid a charge from a football turtle and instead of falling back to the floor again, remained aloft. Surprised, he looked behind him and saw that his raccoon tail was spinning around quickly like a propeller, keeping him airborne.

"All right!" said Mario. "Now this is where we get very, very fancy!"

Demonstrating a keen grasp of his new powers, Mario swooped down towards the floor again and landed directly on top of one of the masked creatures, belly-flopping him into unconsciousness. He took to the air again just in time to avoid being sandwiched between two charging football turtles, who smashed into each other instead, and flew over to Luigi.

"Pilot to bombadier!" he said to Luigi. "We have lift-off!"

With that, Mario grabbed Luigi by the ankles and lifted him upside-down off the floor. Getting the idea, Luigi extended his lethal fingers and launched a continuous rain of fireballs down upon the forces of evil below. Within mere moments, any enemies who had not been defeated were running away.

Mario and Luigi came to a landing on the floor and took stock of the situation.

"Well, I guess that's it for the defense squads," said Mario. "Now we go after the big fish. And I'll bet that that big door there leads to the throne room."

"What's all that noise?" asked Bowser. "It sounds like fighting."

"I'll endeavor to find out, your highness," said Kamek, walking to the throne room's door. Kamek opened the door and quickly shut it again, a look of horror on his face.

"Intruders, your highness!" exclaimed Kamek. "They're defeating your defense forces!"

"What?!" boomed Bowser, rising from his throne. "Who is it?!"

"It looks like two humans, your majesty!" said Kamek.

Two humans? Bowser thought back to those mustachioed pests that he had encountered at Peach's castle earlier. Could it be them? Surely not. After all, he had already humbled them. How could they dare to think they could challenge the mighty King of the Koopas?

Before Bowser could think deeper into the subject, his throne room door burst open and indeed, those same two pests stood in the entrance, looking much more intimidating than they had earlier. Princess Peach Toadstool, who was currently tied to a pillar in the middle of the throne room, suddenly looked a whole lot happier.

"What the heck are you two doing here?" thundered Bowser.

"We're here to do a little butt-kicking," said Mario, rolling up his sleeves. "Unless of course you're willing to release the Princess right away, in which case we'll just let you off with a warning."

"How dare you threaten the mighty King of the Koopas!" roared Bowser. "I'll make you wish you never came!"

With that, Bowser stormed into the center of the room, took a deep breath, and exhaled a geyser of fire in his enemies' direction. However, Mario and Luigi had already moved to avoid the attack before the flames even entered the air.

Luigi rolled to the side and quickly opened up with a fire attack of his own. Several fireballs struck Bowser's thick skin, but they didn't seem to be doing much good.

"It'll take a lot more than that to beat me, faucet head!" declared Bowser.

"How about this, then?" said Mario, swinging his raccoon tail against Bowser's body.

Bowser just laughed.

"You call that a tail?" he smirked. "No way. Now this is a tail!"

With that, Bowser whipped his own huge tail around and caught Mario in the stomach. Mario made a "whoof!" sound as the air went out of him and he flew across the room.

"This is the best that the Mushroom Kingdom has to send against me?" Bowser said in disbelief. "Pathetic!"

With this remark, Bowser broke into peals of maniacal laughter again.

"You know what?" said Mario, getting to his feet and grabbing a small chair. "That laugh is really getting annoying!"

With that, Mario picked up the chair and heaved it at the back of Bowser's head. The chair splintered against the tyrant's thick reptilian skull, but there was no denying that he definitely felt the blow.

"That does it!" roared Bowser. "That's the final insult! I was thinking about sparing you, but now you'd better prepare to die!"

With that, Bowser stomped towards Mario. In doing this, however, he was unwisely turning his back on his other enemy. It was the work of a moment for Luigi to grab Bowser by his spiked tail and yank him off his feet.

Bowser hit the floor, but Luigi didn't stop there. Instead, he devoted all his strength to yanking the Koopa King around in a circular motion, spinning him faster and faster through the air.

"What are you doing?!" roared Bowser, as Luigi spun him increasingly faster. "I'm gonna throw up in a minute!"

Luigi didn't reply. Instead, he simply released his grip on Bowser's tail, sending him careening across the room towards Mario. Mario wound up for a punch and smashed his fist hard into the incoming Bowser's face, sending him flying off in yet another direction. Bowser landed on his throne, smashing it to smithereens.

"I don't believe this!" hissed Bowser. "I'm losing! Kamek! Do something!"

"Yes, your highness!" said Kamek, and with that, the Magikoopa quickly retreated out of the throne room.

"I don't believe this!" said Bowser. "Why do I surround myself with fools and cowards?"

Bowser was just about to follow his servant out of the chamber when Mario and Luigi blocked his way, their arms crossed in angry defiance.

"End of the line, Horn Head," said Mario.

Bowser roared in fury and frustration and turned away from the Mario brothers as he charged towards the window at the other end of the chamber.

"Don't you dare think this is over!" he roared. "I'll be back! And then my vengeance shall know no bounds!"

With that, Bowser crashed through the window, hit the ground on the outside of the castle, and hastily ran off into the distance. Back in Peach's own castle, Mario and Luigi knelt on the throne room floor as the Princess gratefully titled them Knights of the Realm.

"I hearby deem you, Mario and Luigi, the official protectors of the Mushroom Kingdom, and all neighboring lands who cherish peace and freedom," said Peach. "And I assure you that we are all very grateful for your decision to stay with us in our country."

"Well, why not?" said Mario. "After all, we don't have anything back in Brooklyn."

"As reward for your valiant deed, the Royal Carpentry Corps will build you a luxurious house near the castle," said Peach. "It's the very least we can do."

"Thank you, Princess," said Mario.

"And if that Koopa clown ever comes around again, just let us know," said Luigi.

With that, Mario and Luigi bowed to the Princess, tipped their hats to the court, and left the castle.

"You know, Mario, this isn't such a bad place after all," said Luigi. "A bit frightening at first, of course, but at least you can cross the street without being run over by a motorcycle."

"Yeah," agreed Mario. "I could really get to like it here."

"I guess that old man in Brooklyn knew what he was talking about after all," said Luigi.

"Yeah, he did call us heroes, didn't he?" recalled Mario.

"You know, I think maybe we should take this hero business full-time," said Luigi. "Maybe we could even set up a secret headquarters and have our own sneaker brand."

"Yeah, and we could have a cool name as well," said Mario. "How about the Super Mario Brothers?"

"Why the Super Mario Brothers?" asked Luigi. "Why not the Super Luigi Brothers? Or at least something with a little more punch."

"Well, what did you have in mind?" asked Mario.

"How about the Super Smash Brothers?" suggested Luigi.

"Now you're just being silly," said Mario.

THE END