A Lack of Originality
Written by Bob Grocer
WARNING: The Surgeon General has not reviewed this story or the effects that it has on one's health. Read responsibly and with caution. A good deal of fictional history is messed up in this story. The writer holds no responsibility for any alterations of history that occur because of the events in this story.
Mario was walking through the castle one day, when he stumbled upon his old time machine from Mario's Time Machine. "Mama-mia," says Mario, "That was-a one-a da dumbest games I've ever had to do. I don't know why they made kids actually LEARN some-a-thing from-a my games." Mario then went closer to the old machine for a look - when suddenly, the machine began to turn on! Mario was sucked into the machine, as numbers and lights flashed on and off. Then, in a flash of light, the machine disappeared, with only a faint "Here we gooooo!" left in the area. Shortly after this, Luigi hurriedly ran into the basement and realized that he was late for his queue in our story, and had once again been neglected from a Mario brothers adventure.
I'm sure that you are now wondering what happened to Mario? Oh yes, right, he's traveling through time. However, since the machine is malfunctioning, who knows where he will end up? Well, I guess I know, but that's because I'm the stinking narrator? Anyway, Mario is racing through the eddies in time, floating, tossing, and turning until the machine finally cuts off and Mario finds himself in a world much different from the one that he just left. In fact, this world is the world of... SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!!! (and his annoying sidekick, Tails).
Mario slowly opens the door to his time machine and comes out in a cloud of smoke. Mario coughs a good deal, then turns around to kick the machine, which turns off for good with a whimper. "Goodness gracious, sakes alive. If on-a-ly I had gotten rid of this silly ding," complains Mario, while viewing the landscape. He sees a few scattered trees and a plain in strange and ridiculously ugly colors. "Mama-mia, who made up this place?" Mario asks. Suddenly, he turns to his left and sees a spiky blue hedgehog standing on two red shoes. "I don't know who made it," says the hedgehog, "but they sure did a better job then whoever drew your face."
"Now listen here-a, you disrespectful rodent! It's-a me, Mario, and nobody makes fun of me and gets away with it."
"Well," said the hedgehog, "my name is Sonic, and even if you are Mario as you claim to be, I have my own TV show and a lot of games are made after me! I'm Sega's biggest star!"
After that, Mario took a fire flower out of his pocket and gained super fire strength! "You foolish hedgehog, I thought I had destroyed you long ago! You and your smelly games can take this!"
With that said, Mario burned Sonic to a crisp with a fireball. "Well, that was easy enough," says Mario triumphantly. With that, Mario hopped back into his time machine, turned it on, and waited until it sent him somewhere else, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, it would return him home. However, because that would make for a boring ending the writer decided that this wouldn't happen. Instead Mario was rocketed through time and space and landed in the world of... Crash Bandicoot! (gasp, the horrors, oh the pain!) Mario took a quick look out of the window and so some stupid bandicoot running around in a jungle. "Oh-a no, it's-a that stupid Playstation fool I've been hearing so much-a bout!" Mario didn't even want to waste his time on Crash so he kicked the controls... which sent him on his journey once more.
Next, Mario landed inside of a dark circular room with a big window viewing space at one end. He slowly got out of the time machine and took a glance at his surroundings. After examining the window, he noticed that a tall black man in a funny suit was standing next to a chair facing the window... it appeared that someone was sitting in the chair, but Mario could only see the back. He could here whispering...
"Vader, you must find your son Luke and turn him to the Dark Side of the Force," said the man in the chair.
"He is strong in the Force and strong of will. This shall be a challenge my master," said the tall black man in the funny suit, who by now Mario had figured out was named Vader.
"I don't care if it is difficult, Vader, you just have to do it," said the man in the chair.
"Yes, Emperor Palpatine," said Vader.
Suddenly, Vader turned to go and noticed Mario hiding behind a corner. He begin to speak in his raspy mechanical tone.
"You there?" said Vader.
"Who, me?" said Mario.
"Well who else do you think that I'm talking to, you fool!"
"Um-a, perhaps you was-a talking to dat guy in da chair?"
"No, I wasn't. Now, you shall die," said Vader, igniting a long red beam sword.
"Woah, I didn't know you were in Super Smash Brothers!" said Mario, surprised that Vader had gained a beam sword of his own.
"What are you talking about? I've never heard of that in my entire life!!! How did you get in here anyway?"
"Well, I just warped in using my old time machine from that educational game that I was forced to be the star of. Why, am I interrupting something?"
"Well, yeah, sort of, you see, that guy in the chair is the emperor of the entire universe, and well, he wants me to corrupt my son, who is currently training with a small short guy in some swampy planet."
"Woah, Toad is here?"
Just then, Toad walked out from behind a dark corner.
"Mario, I'm not even in this story, didn't you read the characters list before we started?" said Toad.
"Oh, oops."
So, all of that said, Vader decided to help Mario on his way instead of cutting him in half, and Mario thanked him greatly before he left. The emperor, feeling left out because he didn't even play a role in this scene, quietly left his chair and ordered that the entire universe be blown to smithereens because he was having a bad day. Vader was later executed for breaking character and helping Mario instead of portraying evil in its purest form. His son was later destroyed because Vader was not there to kill the emperor before the emperor killed his son.
Meanwhile, Luigi, still disappointed that he had missed out on yet another great epic in Mario history, was sulking around on the front lawn, when suddenly a huge winged machine appeared in the sky in a bright flash of light. It landed smoothly on the grass and a hatch in the bottom opened up.
Luigi stared in awe as a young boy with red hair and a girl with a strange hat walked out and began to argue.
Strange girl: "Are you sure this is the place??"
Strange boy: "Well, last time I checked this was the right spot."
Strange girl: "Hey, let's ask that green guy over there."
The strange boy and girl walked up to Luigi, who stood up and looked at them expectantly.
Luigi: "Are you here to get my autograph?"
Strange girl: "Well, actually we were looking for a place called Guardia Castle, but this doesn't look like it at all to me!"
Strange boy: "Well, maybe they did a little remodeling since the last time we were here. Oh, by the way, my name is Chrono, and this is my intelligent friend, Lucca."
Luigi: "It's a pleasure to meet you both. What is that thing that you two flew in on, and what the heck is Guardia Castle?"
Lucca: "This is the Epoch, a time machine designed by the Guru of Time in order for us to stop the evil Lavos, who threatens to ultimately destroy all of everything everywhere."
Chrono: "And Guardia Castle is where we are supposed to be next in our story. We thought this was it, but clearly my calculations were off a by a wee little bit."
Luigi: "Well, I'll see you guys later. I'm going inside the castle to sulk some more. By the way, my name is Luigi, if you care to know."
Chrono: "Luigi? Sounds vaguely familiar. I think I might have seen you once when I was playing Super Mario Bros. and my friend was second player?"
After Chrono said this, Luigi went inside and whined to his agent that he wanted his own game. Shortly afterwards, Nintendo decided to develop Luigi's Mansion instead of the next great Mario adventure. After returning to their own world, Chrono and Lucca discovered that Lavos had warped back in time from the day when he took over the world and proceeded to destroy all of history. Fortunately, the day was saved when Bob Grocer loaded a saved state on ZSNES and restored Chrono Trigger's history as we know it.
By now you may be wondering the following things, but not necessarily in the order that they are shown:
Be sure to read on in the exciting Lack of Originality saga!