I Don't Believe Mario's Last Name is Mario
Written by StephenP18

Mario and Luigi are the "Mario Brothers" and people get the idea that must mean their last name is Mario. Hence Mario's name is Mario Mario. I can't believe people really choose to believe that without putting any thought into it whatsoever. OK, what parents would ever name their kid Mario Mario? Mario would have been made fun of for life, not to mention beaten up constantly in school. I can just imagine all the awful stuff that would happen if Mario was really named that. Let me give the examples.

SCENE: A bank.

MARIO
I'd like to open a bank account, please.

RECEPTIONIST
Full name please?

MARIO
Mario Mario.

RECEPTIONIST
(WTF?) No jokes please, sir.

MARIO
I'm serious! That's my name!

RECEPTIONIST
Security, throw this troublemaker out!

SCENE: Grocery store. Cut to Mario as a teenager, underage and taking out alcohol.

MARIO
(Heh heh, with this fake ID, I'll be sure to get this beer!)

CLERK
Oh nice try, "Mario Mario," if that is your name. This is a fake and obviously made by an idiot, no less. He used your first name twice.

MARIO
...but my name really is Mario Mario!

CLERK
Put the alcohol back and leave before I call the police!

SCENE: Job interview. Mario applying for a job at the hardware store.

INTERVIEWER
Well, hello there Mr. Mario... Mario? Is that really your name?

MARIO
Yes.

INTERVIEWER
(Who names their kid Mario Mario? His parents are lunatics. And if his parents are lunatics, that must mean their son is a lunatic too. He's not right for a job at this store.)

MARIO
(I know that look on his face; he hates me. Oh well, maybe I'll just start my own plumbing business with Luigi and call it "Mario Brothers Plumbing!")

Also it must be confusing as hell.

SCENE: Princess Peach's castle.

PEACH
Mario!

MARIO
Yes, Princess Peach?

PEACH
Not you, I was calling Luigi by his last name.

MARIO (walking away, sulking)
Goddamnit! That's the third time this week this has happened! That's it, I'm changing my name!

I could go on and on. Next time you choose to believe something kids, put some thought into it. So why are Mario and Luigi called the Mario Brothers or the Marios for short? My guess is that it's a team name because Mario is the most famous one out of the brothers, but what do I know?

Just remember this is only a joke. Don't take me seriously.

Mario Mario? Hmmmm... I wonder what Mario's parents were like?

SCENE: In a hospital. A woman is giving birth.

DOCTOR
Congratulations, Mrs. Mario! It's a boy! Despite all that crack you smoke, he's a healthy boy!

MRS. MARIO
Aw, he's so cute! I wonder what I'll name him.

MR. MARIO (entering room)
I'm here! Where's the baby?

MRS. MARIO
Right here. Dear, you're wearing your shirt backwards and your underwear over your trousers again.

MR. MARIO
And I see you haven't found a way to stop your drooling habit. But honestly, people think we're such idiots, I wish we could prove we do have brain cells. We may both take drugs but we've still got brains!

MRS. MARIO
What do you wanna name him?

(A thought balloon appears above Mr. and Mrs. Mario's head. They are both clueless.)

MRS. MARIO
Oh, I know a name for him. How about Mario?

MR. MARIO
That's our last name dear.

MRS. MARIO
Aww... let's give him the name anyway. This thinking is killing me.

SCENE: Mario in school.

TEACHER
I'd like to take role call please. Andrew Henderson?

ANDREW
Here!

TEACHER
Susie Todd?

SUSIE
Here!

TEACHER
Mario Mario?

(At this point some students turn and give Mario a strange look.)

MARIO
Here! (Every frickin' morning they stare at me. I get how I have a weird name, get over it! (sigh) I bet I'll get bullied again at recess.)

(The teacher continues.)

TEACHER
Luigi Mario? Is Luigi Mario here today?

(More students turn to stare at Mario and then Luigi. Mario groans.)

SCENE: A hotel room.

MARIO
I'd like a hotel room for the night please.

RECEPTIONIST
Full name please?

MARIO
Mario Mario.

RECEPTIONIST
Seriously sir, what's your full name?

MARIO
I am serious! It's Mario Mario. I'm really tired, do you really think I'd be joking?

RECEPTIONIST
Until you take this seriously, you can just leave.

MARIO
Goddamnit!

SCENE: A neighborhood.

(Mario is driving a car. He hears police sirens and is pulled over by a police officer. Mario rows down his window and waits for the police officer to approach.)

MARIO
What seems to be the problem, officer?

POLICE OFFICER
You were going 15 miles over the speed limit!

MARIO
Oh I'm sorry, officer.

POLICE OFFICER
I'm booking you and you're getting a fine! What's your full name?

MARIO
Mario Mario.

POLICE OFFICER
Sir, don't fool around with me, you are talking to someone from the police.

MARIO
No really. Mario Mario!

POLICE OFFICER
Right! That's it!

(The police officer takes out his club and beats Mario silly.)

MARIO
Ow! Ow! Ooouch!

SCENE: A Supermarket.

(Mario and Luigi are going into a store to buy some groceries. When they do, they are greeted with a surprise by some of the staff and the store manager.)

MANAGER (to Mario)
Congratulations! You're our one millionth customer! We would like to award you this check for one million gold coins!

MARIO
Wow!

MANAGER
We just need to write your name on the check. What's your full name?

LUIGI (gulping)
Uh... put it under Luigi Mario.

MANAGER
Sorry sir, but you're the one million and first customer. The check goes to this guy here! (Points to Mario) Now what's your full name?

MARIO
Mario Mario.

MANAGER
Very funny, sir. Really what's your name.

MARIO
Mario Mario!

MANAGER
Right! If you're just gonna fool around with me, then no check. (Rips it up and walks away angrily.) Everybody get back to work!

(The Mario Brothers just stand there looking shocked.)

MARIO
Luigi, I think I'll hang myself this afternoon.

LUIGI
Count me in too, bro.

SCENE: The Mario Brothers' house.

(A prisoner jailed for numerous murders with a knife has escaped. His next victims? What terrible luck, they were plumbers with incredibly stupid names: Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. Mario and Luigi are calling the emergency services hotline. In the Mushroom Kingdom the number to call emergency services is 1000. They are in their bedroom with the door locked.)

LUIGI
The murderer is breaking into our house! Quick Mario! Dial 1000!

MARIO
You don't need to tell me twice! I'm dialing!

PHONE OPERATOR
Hello, you've reached 1000 emergencies!

MARIO
There's a man in our house trying to kill us! Our address is 24 Melmont Road, Mushroom Kingdom.

PHONE OPERATOR
May I ask who is speaking?

MARIO
My name is Mario Mario.

PHONE OPERATOR
Who?

MARIO
Mario Mario.

PHONE OPERATOR (sighing)
Another prank caller. (Hangs up)

MARIO
Oh, you gotta be sh*tting me! Damn my stupid, lazy uncreative parents!

LUIGI
Good thing we're video game characters, having more than one life, huh?

SCENE: A hardware store.

(Mario and Luigi are at the checkout buying a new hammer. Mario is holding his check book.)

MARIO
(God! I can't believe I had to get my parents along with my birth certificate all the way to the bank just so they could say they really named me Mario Mario! It's like getting my driver's license all over again.)

WOMAN AT CHECKOUT
That's 55 gold coins.

MARIO
Do you take checks?

WOMAN AT CHECKOUT
We sure do.

(Mario writes a check and hands it to the woman.)

WOMAN AT CHECKOUT
Sir, you've written your first name twice. I can't accept this.

MARIO
But my name is... and... oh son of a b*tch, I'm not even gonna bother!

(Mario angrily storms out of the store without his hammer.)

WOMAN AT CHECKOUT
What's his problem? He just made a simple mistake.

LUIGI
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Ever remember back to the days of Donkey Kong? The very first Mario game? It turns out that the girl you rescued wasn't princess Peach, but Pauline. Ever wondered why they broke up?

SCENE: Mario's apartment New York City Brooklyn. The year is 1981.

PAULINE
Mario, I can't believe you rescued me from that horrible ape! The way you jumped over those barrels!

MARIO
Hey, just call me "Jumpman."

PAULINE
By the way, speaking of names, of all the time we've been dating you've never told me what your last name is.

MARIO
My last name? Same as my first, making my name Mario Mario.

PAULINE
Mario Mario?! Who were your parents? A bunch of lazy, weird drugged stoners?

MARIO
Good guess. Have you met them?

PAULINE
I don't believe this. How can you live with that name?

MARIO
It ain't easy, believe me. I was bullied a lot in school. Good thing I knew self-defense back then.

PAULINE
Er...Mario I gotta go. I got work tomorrow. (What a weirdo! Chances are he's just as weird and stupid as his parents.)

Pauline never called back. Depressed, Mario begun his shroom addiction and began his many trips to "the Mushroom Kingdom." Hence the game "Super Mario Bros." And there you go folks, that's the reason Mario takes drugs.

SCENE: The Mario Brothers' house.

(Mario is sitting on a couch watching a quiz show on TV.)

HOST (on television)
For this chance to win 20 games for the Wii, just answer this question: what year did the first Sonic game appear? Calls only cost 1 gold coin. Just dial the following number on the screen.

MARIO
Hmmm... Just one coin? I think I'll give it a shot.

(He dials the number. The host on the TV hears the call and answers.)

HOST
Yes?

MARIO
The answer is 1991!

HOST
Congratulations! What's your name?

MARIO
Mario Mario.

HOST
Er... I think we've got some problem on your phone. You said "Mario" twice.

MARIO
That's my name! Mario Mario!

HOST
Sir, call back when you get your phone fixed.

(He hangs up. Mario is shocked.)

MARIO
DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! WHAT'S THE POINT OF EVEN HAVING A F*CKING PHONE IF EVERYBODY I GIVE MY NAME TO HANGS UP ON ME!

SCENE: The Mario Brothers' house (again).

LUIGI
Mario, I'm expecting an important package today, and I need to go meet Daisy at the mall. Will you get the door if it rings?

MARIO
Sure, bro!

LUIGI
I need you to do this. The car is broken and it's a long distance to the post office. It's about over an hour's walk.

MARIO
What are brothers for?

(At this Luigi leaves. Some time later the doorbell rings. Mario answers it.)

MAILMAN
Hello I have a package for a Luigi Mario?

MARIO
Oh, he's out.

MAILMAN
Oh well he needs to sign this.

MARIO
I'll do it.

(Mario signs it and hands it to the mailman.)

MAILMAN
Sir, you've accidentally written your first name twice.

MARIO
My name is Mario Mario.

MAILMAN
Right. If you're gonna put a fake name, maybe Luigi Mario should come and get this package himself.

(The mailman takes the package and walks off. Mario closes the door.)

MARIO
Arrrggghhhhhh! Luigi's gonna kill me!

SCENE: A golf course.

(Mario and Luigi have played through a game in a golfing competition. They have finished the game and are waiting for the manager on top of a stage to announce the winner.)

LUIGI (to Mario)
I'm telling you, bro. I've won, I've always been better than you at golf!

MARIO
As if! I totally creamed you!

MANAGER
And the winner is Mario--!

(At this Mario screams with joy.)

MARIO
Yes! YES!

(Mario runs on the stage in front of the tons of people watching him, takes the trophy, and then takes the mic.

MARIO
Thank you so much! But you should know better than you can't beat ol' Mario at golf!

MANAGER
You're not Luigi Mario!

MARIO
...what?

MANAGER
I mentioned the last name first. If you had let me finish, I would have said the winner is Mario-- Luigi Mario.

MARIO (smile drops)
Oh no.

(The audience starts laughing loudly at Mario. Mario grows extremely embarrassed, drops the trophy and the mic and runs off. Luigi walks on the stage and takes the trophy.)

LUIGI
Thank you everybody. This year's golfing competition was great. See you next year.

(Later Mario and Luigi are driving home in their car. Mario is covering his bright red face with his hat, enormously embarrassed and crying slightly.)

LUIGI
Tch...seeing as I have a name which makes more sense. Makes me wonder why it's me who's the shy one in the games and he isn't the cowardly wimp. Well at least Nintendo had more common sense when it came to Wario and Waluigi. According to the Mario Party games, least they were named the "Wicked Bros" and not the "Wario Bros."

And yes that fact about Wario and Waluigi is true, if you want proof just play Mario Party 5 and put Wario and Waluigi into a team, they're called the Wicked Brothers instead of the Wario brothers. Heh... Wario Wicked and Waluigi Wicked. Nice.

SCENE: Mario in a courtroom. Mario is dressed in a business suit and is not wearing his trademark cap with the M on it. He is talking to the judge.

JUDGE
So why do you want to change your name? And I have to say, is there a reason you only put your first name, on the form?

MARIO
I want to change my name, because it gives me nothing but TORTURE! I was bullied a ton in school, people stare at me strangely or burst out laughing whenever my name is read out, I can't order items off eBay or Amazon, because people think I've screwed up my mailing details. I can't sign checks! I can't apply for a driving license or a bank account! The police have beaten me up over my name! I can't win prizes in magazines or on television when I give them my name and address details. I can't apply for jobs which is why I'm just a lowly plumber. I think my girlfriend has actually broken up with me over my name. I COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON WHY MY NAME SUCKS!

JUDGE
Whoa! Relax... young man. You're in a courtroom. Your name can't be that bad. What is it?

MARIO
It's Mario Mario.

JUDGE
Right. You really expect me to believe that?

(Some people in the court start laughing.)

MARIO
See? Look at what it's doing right now!

JUDGE
Young man, it's not right to pull pranks on a judge.

MARIO
Right. That's it, I was hoping not to do this.

(Mario pulls out a Fire Flower and becomes Fire Mario. Mario's blue business suit turns white, and his black tie becomes red. He then throws a fireball at two of the men laughing at him, killing them instantly. The courtroom comes out of their laughter and gasps at this sudden behavior.)

MARIO (in an angry and evil voice)
Let me change my name now, or I'll fireball your ass to hell. Along with everybody in this court room!

JUDGE (gulping)
Very well, Mario Mario. What would you like your name changed to?

MARIO
Let's change only the last name. How about Mario Vinichi?

JUDGE
Very good. I now declare your name Mario Vinichi. (Strikes the gavel.)

MARIO
YES! YYYEEESSSSS!

(Mario begins to laugh insanely, loving that his bad luck is finally over. While Mario is cheering, he does not notice that the judge is quietly telling a police officer to bring in back up. After Mario cheers for about 30 seconds, he leaves the court room only to find ten police officers pointing guns at him.)

POLICE OFFICER
Mario Vinichi, AKA Mario Mario, you're under arrest for murder and for threatening a judge! Hands up!

(Mario, without hesitation, quickly throws his hands up.)

SCENE: Mario in jail. Luigi (still named Luigi Mario) has come to visit him.

LUIGI
Nice going, Mr. Vinichi. There are just some things you don't do to a judge.

MARIO
Oh shut up. You could comfort me seeing that I'm getting the electric chair.

LAST SCENE: Execution room.

(Mario is in the electric chair with the switch about to be activated. Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Toad and Yoshi look at Mario with saddened faces.)

PRISON GUARD
Any last words?

MARIO (giving a small smile)
Well, at least my tombstone's not gonna read Mario Mario.

So there you go folks, now you know why Mario and Luigi are never called by their full names in the games. Still believe their last name is Mario?

THE END!
THANKS FOR READING!