The Super Mario 64 Show
Meet Mama Koopa: Episode 1
By: Adam Spradlin
(Dissolve to scene: Establishing shot of castle, sunlight beaming off of it, shot of inside castle, where Mario, Luigi, and Princess Toadstool are walking through a hall talking)
Princess: Mario, are you absolutely, positively sure that all of the paintings are sealed up?
Mario: For the hundredth time, Princess, yes. The Koopas will NOT be able to invade your castle through any of the paintings. But...
Princess (pause; stopping): But what, Mario?
Mario: Well, just because the paintings are sealed doesn't mean that all of those places just disappeared. And there's warp pipes in every area that lead to, err, somewhere in the castle.
Luigi: Princess, it can't be helped!
Princess: Well, then I guess I'm going to have to get some security here in this castle. Boy, I've had it for a month, and it's already turning out to have been a bad idea. (turns to Mario) I'll go look for a good security service. (walks off)
(Dissolve to King Koopa's Castle in the Dark World exterior, then shot of interior, where he and his seven kids are scattered)
Koopa: I can't believe that pitiful plumber foiled my plans again!
Cheatsy: Gee King Dad, why didn't you let us help you this time?
Koopa: What?! With you dopey Koopa Kids helping me I would've been even more humiliated than I was!
Bully: I don't think so, King Dad. Maybe with these other idiots...
Kootie Pie: Well I'm glad we didn't have to help. I HATE IT when those plumbers mess up my beautiful semblance.
Bully: Hahahahaha!!! Good one, Kootie Pie.
Kootie Pie: All right, that's it!!!
Koopa: Would you miserable kids shut up?!!
Big Mouth: Err, gee, King Dad, you sure are extra mean, totally more terrible, especially evil--
(Bully kicks him against the wall, causing him to see stars, but also to shut up)
Kootie Pie: That annoyance is right. Humph! If only we had a mom... I bet our mom wouldn't be as mean to us as you are!
Koopa: Your mom? Oh, give me a break.
Hop: Hey pop, where is-
Hip: -and who is-
Hop: -our mom, anyway?
Koopa (annoyed): Here we go.
Kooky: Come on, evil Dad. Tell us.
Koopa: Fine, fine! I don't care, as long as you just shut your miserable mouths for five measly minutes! Her name's Lena and she's a whiny, red-haired horror. Maybe be even more horrible than me.
Cheatsy: More horrible than you? Hah! That's a good one, Dad!
Koopa: (a challenge) You don't think I'm serious?
Kooky: Get out of here!
Big Mouth: There's just no way, super-duper meanio looper, cosm--
Koopa: (in a gesture to shut him up) Uhm, but it really is true. Since I'm feeling blue, I'll kidnap her so you can see just how nice she is. Being right always lifts my spirits.
All seven Kids: Yeah!!! Yay!!! (similar hoorays, etc.)
(Dissolve to scene: Princess sitting, wearily talking on the telephone in the castle)
Princess (suddenly happy): You can? Great! How much? (pause) Uh huh... uh huh... great! I'll send it as soon as I can. (hangs up phone) Well, that settles the security problem.
Mario: Um, one problem Princess.
Mario: Koopa stole your stash of cash when he took over your castle. He still has it.
Princess: Oh no! What are we going to do?
Mario: Now did you really need to ask that? We simply steal it back!
(Dissolve to Koopa throne room, with all eight present)
Koopa: All right kids, this is what you wanted. (Turns to curtain) Meet Mama Koopa.
(Tall, red-haired Koopa walks out)
Lena (sounding very much like Kootie Pie, with a New-Yorker woman accent): All right Bowser Koopa, what's the big idea? I was right in the middle of a facial! Then you gag me with a rope, and drag me here, to this dump? (takes a quick look around) This your newest place, huh? Couldn't you afford somethin' better?
Kootie Pie: It really is our mom!
Bully: (fake enthusiasm, almost mockery) Oh!
Kooky: Talk about stating the obvious.
Koopa: (not paying the least bit of attention to his kids) Now wait one minute, missy! It's King Koopa to you! And for your information, I am able to afford two other dumps just like this! (pause) Hey wait a minute!
Lena: Mmm, right. And who are these little monsters?
Koopa: Well, being the nice guy I am, I saved our dear children's eggs from the Goomba refuge kitchen, where you dumped 'em!
Lena: Why? Did ya want to eat 'em yourself? (laughs at her joke and adjusts her business pantsuit) I, unlike you, were able to find real work in the Outer Koopa Kingdom. I'm not deluded enough to declare myself King of some stupid deserted place like this! Not enough pinks and blues for me! (loving herself) Yes! (giggles with delight) I, on the other hand, am VP of the Recycled Warp Pipe Corporation! Ha! Otherwise known as RWPC of course.
Koopa: (not impressed) Ooooooooh, moving on up, are we?
Lena: (ignores him) Ahhh, yep, I'm living the life I never could have with (disgusted) you. Everything's perfect... well, except for that unfortunate maid accident. Shame really. (confident) But, I'll be sure to find a new one! My personality is just too lovable and irresistible for any hired help! And my tastes, oh my tastes!
Cheatsy: (completely and utterly stunned) Gee Dad, are you sure we don't all have a different mom than Kootie Pie?
(Dissolve to in the doorway of Princess's castle)
Mario: Now Luigi, you have to guard the castle while we're gone. Keep your eye out for any Koopas, and--
Luigi: Mario, I know what I'm doing.
Mario: That remains to be seen. We'll be back as soon as we can. Don't jump out of your shoes or anything.
Princess: Uh-hum, now Mario... be careful Luigi... the castle's already gone through a lot.
Luigi: Whatever you say your highness, ciao!
(Quick little nervous wave of the hand by Luigi as they set off)
Luigi: (doubtfully) Ohhhhhhh boy.
(Dissolve to outside Koopa's Castle in the Dark World, Mario and Princess are hiding behind a huge stone about fifteen yards away from the castle)
Mario: When I say go, make a run for the door.... and I'm not repeating this so we don't end up like last time. Got it?
Princess: I'm not Toad, Mario. I'm smart enough to know when "go" means to go and when "go" means that's the signal.
Toad: Yeah, so did Toad, supposedly.
Princess: I hope King Koopa's guards don't spot us!
Mario: Don't think so negatively. It's nothing we haven't seen before. (looks left and right, scanning area) Ready?
Mario: All right... (one last check for safety) Go!
(The two dash for the door and slam against the wall to the right of it, back against it cautiously)
Princess: (takes a deep breath) Whew!
Princess (whispering): Sorry!
(They run in the open door and hide behind a big column)
Mario: Well, we're in...
(Suddenly there is large bolt of lightning outside, followed by a clattering of thunder. Close-up on the bolt hitting the ground. It begins to pour. Behold... a thunderstorm. Mario and Princess have been watching through the open door. Another clap of thunder. The two look back at each other from the storm fazed and gulp. They then dart down the hallway, stomping a pair of Scuttle Bugs. They continue on and reach a steep slope leading up towards a door. Mario glances around a sees a Purple Switch, which he immediately stomps. The hurriedly run up the newly-transformed staircase in place of the slope. They exit through the door just as the stairs become the slope again. Mario and the Princess run through the corridor revealed and shoot down a pipe off to the right halfway down, and come down onto a small rock island in the middle of a vast pool of magma enveloped by a cavern with the walls reflecting red glow from the magma. The two, now exhausted and seeing no immediate way away, slump to the ground, backs to back. End song)
Mario: (catching breath) Oh no! We're stuck!
Princess: (catching breath) No sweat, Mario! Look, a Red Block!
(Mario jumps up, then jumps again, but can't reach it)
Mario: It's no use; I can't reach it. And there not enough room to run and jump.
Princess: (hopeless) Well, great. Now what?
Mario: Well, you could jump up off of my shoulders and hit it.
Princess: (small smirk, noting possible flirt mode) Uhm, sure Mario. Good idea.
Mario: Yeah. Just take off those heels. Those things can do real damage to a plumber's back.
(She takes off her shoes, jumps up off his shoulders, and punches the block, which releases a Wing Cap; Mario puts it on)
Princess: Now get us out of here!
Mario: Sure thing, Princess!
(swoops down, grabs her into his cradled arms)
Mario: Uh, Princess?
Mario: I hope those weren't your only shoes.
Princess: What? Oh, Mario, we have to go back and get them!
Mario: Forget it, your highness. We have to get out of here!
(They fly into a large horizontal pipe leading into the ceiling just as Mario loses the Wing Cap)
(Dissolve to King Koopa's throne room where he and Lena are arguing in front of the Koopalings)
Lena (looking at Princess's stolen money, which is lying next to Koopa's throne in a sack): ...Geez, Koopa, where'd you get all that money? I'm genuinely surprised. You could use it on this place, you know. It wouldn't hurt.
Koopa: Stole it from a goody-good Princess. Which, I recall, I couldn't do when I was with you! Every time you went on a theft with me, you complained about your make-up smearing and gave it away that we were sneaking around to steal! Riskiest time of my life, that!
Lena: Hey, that was your fault! You were the one that rubbed it in that it was smearing in the first place! (notices all of the kids fighting amongst each other) Bowser, these Koopa Kids of ours haven't gotten any discipline from you! (Kootie Pie moves up to her, looking angelic as possible) Well, except for Kootie Pie. If she keeps at it, she'll be as perfect as me someday!
Koopa: (ignoring the comment) I told you, King Koopa!!!
Hop (whispering to his twin): King Dad was-
Hip: -right! She wants us to discipline-
Hop: -us more! And worst of all, she-
Hip: -thinks Kootie Pie is the greatest! Yeough!
Kooky: (adds to their conversation) I don't want to live with her!
Lena: (studying Kootie Pie. long pause, then nods to herself) Koopa, I've decided that I want Kootie Pie to live with me!
Kootie Pie: Really? That would be splendiferous!
All other Koopalings: Have her!!! Take her!!! Great!!! (other agreements, etc.)
(Suddenly, Mario and Princess Toadstool fall into the room through a trap door in the ceiling)
Mario: All right Koopa, hand it ov-- What the...? Who's that?!
Kootie Pie: She's our long-lost mom, Lena!
Koopa: (oblivious that it's Mario he's speaking to) She's not long-lost! Just long-kept away!
Lena: What's it to you anyway, you... uh... uh, little Italian man?
Mario: (sarcastically) Well, she doesn't have Kootie Pie stamped all over her or anything.
Cheatsy: Didn't somebody else already say that today?
Kootie Pie: C'mon mom! Let's get outta this dump!
Lena: Fine by me! Bowser, it's been a displeasure.
(Lena and Kootie Pie jump through a window out of sight. the rain has stopped by this time)
Mario (causing a diversion while Princess grabs the money sack): Okay, hand over the money, Koopas, or deal with me!
Koopa: (to the departing Lena) That's K-- (sees Mario) Hey, when did you show up, faucet freak?
(the Koopas close in on Mario while Princess grabs the money sack. She sneaks up behind Koopa and whacks him over the head)
(Koopa Kids turn to Koopa while Mario jumps over them and joins Princess. They jump through the window, passing Lena and Kootie Pie, and dart down the pipe leading back to the Mushroom Kingdom)
Lena: (Still outside) First thing we do with you when we get home is put you to work! Heh-heh-heh, what a perfect scheme! I get a new maid for free!
Kootie Pie (suddenly shocked): What???!!! I think not!
Lena: You have no say! I always get my way! I'm much more important than you, so I get to say what goes. It's part of the natural order, or something. Heh, I'm the most important thing I can even think of!
Kootie Pie: I'm sorry dear Mama, but I'mthe most important thing anyone can think of!
Lena: You bratty little liar!
Kootie Pie: You!
Lena: (shocked someone talked back to her a second time, gasps) No, you!
Kootie Pie: I'm staying here! Daddy was right! I am most definitely the most important person anyone could think of! And the thought of doing your work, ha! I don't even do my own, Miss Bossy Mom! (she turns and walks away with diginity)
Lena: Suit yourself, you little brat! I should've known better... Bowser shows just too much in that girl! (turns and jumps into a pipe surrounded by a very small pond nearby)
Kootie Pie: (turns and shouts after her) He prefers King Koopa to lesser people like you!! (turns back to castle and walks back) Her, the most important person in the world? (laughs, laughing as she continues) Me, doing chores for her! That's a knee-slapper!
(Kootie Pie continues laughing as she hops goes back as we dissolve to scene: Inside the castle, with Mario, Luigi, and Princess sitting at a table)
Princess: It's finally settled. The security chief will be back here tomorrow to finish installing.
Luigi: To think that this one little problem ended up being another adventure. Sheesh.
Mario: Tell me about it. (exhausted sigh) Are you happy now, Princess?
Princess: Well, there's still that one problem in...
Luigi: Err, Princess, how's about we all go on that one tour you've been wanting to go on for weeks? Our treat!
Princess: Really? You two really are "super"!
(the brothers look at each other, rolling their eyes, Princess shrugs, realizing how corny her statement was, laughing nervously as we fade out)
Copyright © 2002-2010 SMBHQ. All rights reserved.