"Battle Of The Video Game Heroes" Proudly Presents:

Pre-Season Episode 2
by Klawkat

No cast, cause the author didn't want one.

(One day, on BOTVGH Island, there was activity.)

( stands, looking at a billboard,  comes to  in a sweat)

Good afternoon, Luigi!

Oh, what a delightful day today is, don't you think?

My, I was about to tell you the same thing.

Well, I just happened to catch a glimpse at this billboard.

Oh? (looks)



It's a sign that a new BOTVGH is emerging.

No. It's a sign that says Meep.

Oh, poor, dimwitted brother. You do not see that this is the start of many changes that will be coming to the new Season 8 of BOTVGH, and maybe just once, cast members can become a more original being of the human thought process, causing this very island to be the flow of everybody's favorite cheap crossover fan fiction with little pictures.

Klawkat's writing this?


Thought as much. No wonder such a word as Meep means so much to you, pitiful sibling.

Ahh, how absolutely poetic. The songs of the birds, the wind blowing in the trees, and the ripples in the waves.

(walks in) Makes me wanna hurl.

Ahhh, my archnemesis, King Koopa, or Bowser for the non-Japanese people. What brings you to this patch of land?

We were just arguing about the meaning of BOTVGH, while enjoying the pleasures of life. It's fantastically breathtaking and overwhelming to experience.

... (Looks at both  and )

So, my lizard antagonist, did you kidnap any fair maidens lately?

Perhaps you want my fairer brother to challenge you to a duel.

Oh, how I love a challenge. Are you going to breathe fire on me, or are you gonna smash the ground?


What a rush you are with the Cap Lock, eh, Sir Spikeback?

Oh, touché, brother, you pulled a zinger on him.

and : Ha ha ha ha ha.


(The scene fades like a flashback would, and  and  are on the hospital bed, with full body casts)

And that's why we are here, Princess.

Bowser beat the snot out of us.

Oh my.

( walks in, with a laptop)

Why, dear author? You came to share your knowledge?

(looks at ) Mario? Are you all right?

I bet you're going to be a smart author!

... (scratches his ear) Dang, my insanity part is slipping. I'm gonna get a drink, I'll be back. (walks out, and leaves the laptop)

So, since the author is getting a drink, I guess we better wait til he gets back.





Ummm... Cause it's Luigi's idea!


(In the hospital waiting room, two beings are talking)

As of late, BOTVGH has a strict lack of collaborating villians. We have Sephiroth, Sigma, and their newer member, but that is all. I am here to strike, and I shall not fail.

Yeah. I'm here to hit on that cute nurse.

( waves at )

( pretends not to notice)

To a degree, I will not fail to make it in this stupid fan fiction site. I don't want to be a third rate Pokémon, nor a logical reason to use magic. I am a sorcerer!!

( auras with power, as he starts to float in the air. Wind is blowing around paper and patients alike)

All of BOTVGH shall recognize me for who I am, and not who I'm not!

( pokes , who immediately cancels his aura. peers to look at every one around the hospital, who are looking right back at him. takes his seat and tightly closes his mouth)

(Seconds later)

( walks to a vending machine. and  peer on)

So he's a cat?


(Seconds pass)

So you're a villian?

Only the best.


Once I fought 200 reploids, and destroyed them in 3 seconds.

200? Try 2000... 2000 villages.

(looks at ) 2000 villages? Yeah, and you want to conquer BOTVGH?

I do.

You coulda done that ages ago.

Hah! I was just getting a feel for the place... but I don't believe your 200 reploid story.

218, to be exact. (grabs a newspaper clip from the Doppler News)

(reads) Magma Dragoon, traitor of the 14th unit, blah blah blah...  Ah, I believe ya.

( waves at  again)

Magma Dragoon, is it? I think I need you.

Is she your sister? Maybe you can hook me up with her.

How do you fight?

Oh, I beat the living tar out of those no good... lunch money taking... (pounds hand into his fist) GAH! I will destroy you, yooou.... BULLY!!

('s voice echoes down the halls)

Care to join forces? We can make a name for ourselves in this small Internet site.

Sounds good... OK, Mr. Turtle. I'll do it.

...It's Kamek.


(Back with , and )

And he said: No, I won't do it, and I killed them.

and : Hee hee!


Oh! So what's gonna happen in this episode?


( opens his laptop, and starts to type. The screen fades)

Ahhh! It's dark!


It's just the fade out.

All: Ooohhh...

(The next day)

(A giant cloth is covering a small building.  is standing there with a couple of his robots)

My plan is almost complete.

Oh, this is going to be the bestest plan of yours, ever!

Wow! You built that? Amazing!

Yeah. What a piece of work it is. I will make an announcement, and everybody on BOTVGH Island will see my newest creation.

Dr. Wily?


Why am I an Eskimo?

Everybody loves Eskimos.

WHEE!! (slides by for no reason)

Well, I'm gonna start to call everybody to the center of the island.

(Loudspeakers that are flying in the sky allow  to contact the entire island)

Everybody! I have a special surpriiiise!! Come to the center of the island and see for yourself!!

(Nobody comes)

Do it now, or I'll destroy you all!!

(Nobody comes)

... Ummmm.... ice cream for everybody!!

(Hordes of people come to the Island center)

Free ice cream? You mean it, Wily?

Really? Ice cream? I'm happy!!

Ignorant fools, do you think that I will give you free ice cream? I want to tell you about my plan.

Crowd: Awww... (Starts to walk away)

....And then free ice cream!

Crowd: YAY!

Toad Man, get the ice cream ready. Ice Man, just stand there and act innocent.


Hee hee.

Today, stands the turning point in BOTVGH History. Today, for a whole season, I retire myself as villain. The pressure of being a villain is becoming too demanding, and I just wanted to relax in my townhouse, and drinking various malt beverages.

(Crowd remains silent)

I have built a peace offering, which should be the link for everybody to enjoy their work here in BOTVGH. I bring to you...

(The cloth of the building is pulled off revealing...)

(slight sweat) It's the Fast Stop Convenience Store, and the LMN Video Rental Place. They both open tomorrow.

(Crowd remains silent)

Got the ice cream.

If you choose to support the store, you can have free ice cream!!

(Crowd stays silent, then cheers)

(The crowd starts to line up for ice cream.)


Well, this is just what we need, a convenience store run by an evil genius.

But he retired.

Bah! Anybody can say that. It's all a trick. He's trying to use all your money, with which you buy potato chips and other food items, just to build more robots.

Well, I like ice cream.

.... Ice cream's good.


So, for a whole season, Wily is quitting the whole evil biz? That means less competition.

(eating ice cream) Yum!

Aren't you a robot? Can you handle food?

But I like ice cream.


OK, now I'm gonna see about getting people to work at the store.

So... who's gonna work at the store, boss?

I don't know... (looks at  and ) Those two.

Why can't you let robots run the store?

Why? I'll tell you why...

If robots run stores... then who will make the cartoons?

Then the magical fairies can.

But the magical fairies are needed for the protection of the puffertoads.

But the puffertoads can take care of themselves.

Not if the Oompa Loompas are rampaging the savage seas.

That's my doctor, never looking past the balance of fictional characters.

That's why we need a couple of monkeys. I mean, anybody can be a clerk. How hard can it be?

Sooo, how are you gonna get them to work in your stores?

I don't know... but I got a plan.

( walks up to  and )

You two wanna work at the Fast Stop and the LMN Video?



(The next day)

I'm slow cooking the beans, and doing... the robot.

( and  walk in, seeing  dancing)

Hey! Nice moves.

Oh yeah. I got the groove.

Klaw, what is the point of this preseason episode?

I dunno.

(Dead silence)

I've gotta go to the little hero's room.




....... Samus?


You know, I need a bathroom buddy. Care to walk me there?



........... Dang this is a lot of periods.

It's the best I can do for a dramatic pause!!

..... NO!

( punches )

( walks into the bathroom)

???: Gah! Not this again.

( hears a voice in a bathroom stall)

Need any help? I'm a professional hero!

???: No. Everything's under control. Snoogans.

... Snoogans?

(A breaking sound is heard behind the stall)

???: That should do'er. Nootch.

(The stall opens, and out come  and )

( stares at them)

What? You never seen a handsome stud like myself walk out of a bathroom?

( puts away a crowbar, and nods)

Let's get out of here, Burner. This guy makes me wanna get some... Uuugh! Ice cream sounds good.

( nods)

( and  leave the bathroom.  looks in the stall to see a broken toilet)

Oh, I see your game now, Klaw.

(Seinfeld theme plays. Back with )

So this episode is utter bull? It's just to make Wily retire from evil, and not be used?

... Huh?

(shrugs) What is the total point of this ep?

There's a point?

( and  walk in)

You wanted us for something?

.... Wha?

( looks at  with a strange look)

Who are you people? What do you want? You can't handle the truth!!

???: Now we strike!!!

???: Time for chaos.

(Smoke appears)

Nobody can handle the truth! If I told you the truth, I'd go blind!!

???: To destroy the world with condensation.

???: To disrupt all people with radiation.

???: To spread chaos and destroy hope and love.

???: To beat down things with my hot metal glove.

This is the worst remix of the Team Rocket Motto I have ever seen.

The truth would attack you! And it doesn't taste great with salt!!

(The smoke clears, and  are in view,  holding a rose.)


Magma Dragoon!

and : Kamek and Magma, fighting at the speed of light! Surrender now, or prepare to die!

Meeeeeowth, that didn't rhyme!

Charles Barkley! Get out of here! You're not in the episode...

( walks off)

The truth is death! If I mentioned the truth, you'd all die small instant deaths!

Klaw? Shut up!

Kamek and Magma Dragoon, aside from reciting the world's worst Team Rocket motto ripoff, I think you're here to do something to make yourselves considered evil?

Correct, bounty hunter! We're here to kidnap the author!

Yeah! Fork him over!

... Who?

You know... the guy who writes the episodes!

H Cuz writes episodes. Kidnap him.

He's been kidnapped already.

And besides, we are gonna kidnap the writer who is writing this episode.


So... where is he?

(The room remains silent)

(thinking) If he kidnaps Klaw, what will happen to this episode?

(thinking) How can I get that robotic babe's number?

( looks around nervously)

I wonder if they sell that peanut butter that I always like.

(walks in) Hey Klawkat! That toilet is busted, and I got pieces of porcelain stuck in my bum!!

Yee! Cool!

There he is! Get him!

( and  grab  and stuff him in a bag)

OK, you two are carrying a hostage. That means that... this is a really bad episode.

Yeah, Klawkat is trying to put more plot in his episodes. Ya don't always get a Smash Attack Games off of him.

(in the sack) I can't breathe!! (starts to breathe heavily)

(shakes the sack a bit) It's a cloth pillowcase. You're trippin.

... Hey! Where's the plugin? I wanna play some Atari in this thing.

... ... We'll be back after we think of our ransom.

( disappears. , holding  in the sack, stands there for a sec.)


( jumps)

- = - Magma Dragoon status: Airborne - = -

Hey! We're not allowed to use inside jokes.

What inside joke?

You know, when people in BOTVGH chat decide to fight bosses, and each other...

(Editor's note: That would be BOTVGH Arena.)
Oh yeah! I remember when I just clobbered everybody!

(nod nod)

Man, We should take them on more often.

What are ya talking about?

Oh, me and Gas-tanks here power the world-acclaimed battle destruction tank, and we destroy people with it. We rock.



... Snake Man... That's an inside joke. Try to avoid them.


Just try to not talk about your victories in #BOTVGH_Bosses. OK?

OK, babycakes.

(in the air) Shaddup, I'm flying here.

This whole world is an Inside joke, right Burner?

( nods)

Sammy! We must combine our heroic efforts to save Klawkat from the clutches of Team Kamek and Magma Dragoon!

... Why?

( thinks for a second, looks at  and , who both shake their heads and raise their shoulders, and  then looks back at )

Because I love you!!

( shrugs, and punches )


Well, I suppose that we can go out and save Klawkat from the clutches from Kamek and Magma. You in, Snake and Burner?

Yeah, I'll do anything for a hot babe like yourself.

( cautiously backs away from )

How... flattering.

( and  come back)

What are you two doing back here so quickly?

We decided that the "kidnapping the author" approach was tired and lacks plot skills, so we're gonna do a new evil scheme.

Like what?

( and  look at each other for a small bit)

It's a seeeeecret! (grins and nods)

.... Yeeeah...

Hey! Where's Klawkat?

He's ... somewhere.

We'll be back, and we're gonna do something no evil villains have ever done before.

( and  laugh evilly in unison, and disappear)

... Press 1 if you get the whole point of that?





( clobbers )

Come on, Burner. We have an important date to catch.

( nods, smiles, and walks off with )

(while walking off) You think anybody's gonna notice that broken toilet?

(The next day)

Hey! Brother!

Yes, Mario?

I am in love with my plunger!

(backs away a bit)

I need ta confess, brother. My plunger made me who I am today! An ex-wrestler turned professional plumber.

Yeah, and you can still bust a move.

Yeah! Do the Mario!

(wakes up)

What's wrong, Mario?

... I had that dream again?

(backs away from ) .... F-f-f-f...

Oh no... I shouldn't have told him...

F-f-f-f-freeeak! Mario's a freak! (runs away, screaming)

( walks in, barely dodging  on his way out)

Mario? I'm gonna go to the new Fast Stop and get us something to eat. Do ya want anything?

Oh, nothing really. Maybe some canned Chef Boyardee canned goods, and maybe some smoked salmon. Some chocolate covered pretzels would be nice...

(Hours later)

... and maybe some peaches, and some old fashioned marmalade. Oh, and I'd like some meatballs, to go with the chocolate syrup...

How about I bring you home a candy bar?


( walks off)

(grumbles) Mario Limbaugh.

(At the Fast Stop)

... So this is what it's like working in a fast paced convenience store. Day's pretty slow.

( walks in the store)

Diddy, why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be working at the video store?

My friend, my knowledge serves me to the higher power that nobody owns a VCR around here. Who'd want to make their business in a useless video store?

(Outside, customers are banging on the door to be let in the LMN Video store)

Yeah, today's been slow for me as well.

Yeah, this job would be great, if it wasn't for the stinkin' customers.

We didn't get any customers.

My point exactly.


( and  walk in front of the Fast Stop)

Ya know, Burner?


This place ain't bad. It's comfortable, it has familiar looking Wily traits, and this would be a great ground for getting some tight-looking babes.

(nods while flicking a cigarette)

(Surgeon General's Note: Remember kids, smoking's bad)

Joe Camel: Shaddup.

( walks up to  and )

Hey, aren't you that guy who won that award?

What award?

( angrily looks at )

What the heck are you talking about, you ugly son of your mother! What award?

Oh, sorry, I must have mistaken you for another robot who was stuck in a toilet. (runs inside the Fast Stop)

I thought nobody would notice that we broke that toilet.

( leans back, and lights a cig)

Joe Camel: Hey, do you have a light?

(Inside the Fast Stop)

Where do you keep your blueberry muffins?

Third aisle on your right.

OK. And what about your candy bars?

Third aisle on your right.

And your cereals?

*sigh* Third aisle on your right.

OK. Where's your third aisle on my right?

It's the third on your right.


( goes to wander the narrow aisles)

Well, that was annoying.

No kidding.

Hey! They sell Fruit by the Foot!

What's the point of working here, when I could simply lounge around my my banana tree house and eat coconut parfait?

And go around the island fighting Kremlings to rescue your pile of fruit?

Jiffypop! Alright!!

And we can go to Vegas and dance with the showgirls.

Do not ever, under any circumstances, bring up that incident ever again.

Wow! I didn't know this place sells Hotrod Magazine.

Why not?

Don't play stupid. You remember what happened the last time we went to Vegas.

(drools) I'm in heaven!!! I'm in convenience store heaven!!!

No... I don't remember. What happened?

Remember that time I joined the Elvis Impersonater's Tournement?

WHEEEEE!!! (crashes along the aisles)

I went on the show, as Elvis Kong, and I performed to my best.

I sang "In Da Godda of Eda" and stripped my shirt off.

... What's so bad about that?

I... I... I.....



Oooh, I hurt my head.


... I.....

Yeah, "I" what?


......... I.......

.............. I ......


My brains are spilling out of my head!!

I-I-I killed a man!

... That's not a surprise. You killed lots of people.

Oh yeah...

Brains!! Where's my brains?

Customer: How much for this coffee?

( fires a gun at the customer)

It's $1.59.

My brains are running away! Where are you, brains!!

Brains are $2.49.

Ummm... OK.

( goes into his wallet)

Do you have change for 100?

(takes the bill) No.

100 dollars? That's a lot of money!

I thought we just take Banana Coins.

Or Gil, or GP, Or Zenny....

I need my brains!!! Where's my brains!

( puts a can of dog food in his head)

There's my brains.

Don't run off again. OK?

( runs out of the store)

(pockets the 100) You know, it's not so bad working here.



The Armageddon is coming!!!

(Fiery gerbils rain down!!)

Everybody: Armageddon!!!

That's another inside joke! Cut that out!


OK, so the fiery raining gerbils are out of the question.

Ahhh dang.

(And so... the day ends here in BOTVGH.)

(And everybody died.)

(...Except for a select few, who shall breed into a stronger species!)

You hear that Samus? We're the last two left!




This has been a BOTVGH Production (c). All video game characters are copyright their respective companies. This episode belongs to the BOTVGH Archive and the author.