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Zelda and Cranky Get Married! Part 2 By Matt Broussard |
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Zelda and Cranky Get Married! Part 2 By Matt Broussard |
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Mario, Luigi, Wario, Peach, Toad, Link, Zelda, Navi, Samus, Kirby Bottom Row: Mega Man, Dr. Light, Cranky, Funky, Candy, Sonic, Knuckles, Obi-Wan Kenobi, H Cuz, Ness Not Pictured: Maestro, Jimmy the Talking Thanksgiving Ham, Mr. Clean, THE MYSTERIOUS EVIL VILLAIN, various other cameos |
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Ahem......... So. So. So, you're finally, you're all here, my
friends....
Greetings.... greetings to you all. My name.... is Light. Dr. Thomas
Xavier
Light.
Please....
please, have a seat.......or,
if you prefer standing in front of your computer screen while reading
large amounts of text, that's quite all right with me.There
is a purpose for me being here today. One of importance, great, great
importance. Great importance. Tremendous importance.IMPORTANCE
importance. Do you know what important importance is, dear friends?
Why, it's important, that's what!!It's....
err.... scientific as well. I know this for a fact, because I'm
a scientist, and as a result, I know some "very scientific things".
Scientific
things are the things that are in my head. And it's a smarty-smart
head,
I can tell you that. I can tell you that because I know this well. As a
matter of fact, I know it very, VERY well..... ho-ho!!Ahem!
But as important as my purpose here may be, perhaps you don't see
my purpose here.......... alas, does anyone TRULY understand their
purpose?
Do I understand the purpose of you............. of me...... of cheese?Dr.
Light? What are you talking about?Cheese,
of course, lacks the intelligence required to build such a scientific
device, but if you talk to it very nicely cheese may even....What?!
Dr. Light, what does this have to do with season 7's final episode?Be
that as it may, there are still technical difficulties within the
system;
of course, this must all be resolved under careful analysis of the...Dr.
Light!!...and
of course that would be mankind's fault entirely, Dr. Philanphos!
Regarding not only the genetic code, but the....DR.
LIGHT!!.....but
that would leave the neutrons unstable, thus making them not neutral
at all, but electric. They'd be electrons!!! Ho, ho, ho, your
jokes
DO crack me up, Dr. Philanphos!!DR.
LIGHT!!This
would mean that there this no way to correct this foolish error, only
but to re-structure the internal mechanism in itself!!DR.
LIGHT!!!!Hmm?
Oh, hello, Mega Man. I was just explaining to Dr. Philanphos the
importance
of---Doc,
Dr. John Philanphos is miles away.... he was sent to prison last year
for stealing nachos, don't you remember?!? And he died last week.Wha...?...........Whe........
where am I then?You're
on BOTVGH..... remember?B-b-but....
but I..............
but..... but.. but..........
but........... Ah, yes, NOW I remember! I'm here to explain what
happened to Cranky and Zelda's marriage or some sort of crap like
that......
errr.......... right?Riiiiight.....Yes,
but of course. Why...... why I was just......... I was just testing
your strengths, that's all.Testing
my strengths by talking to a dead convenience-store convict, Dr.
Light?Er.............................
yes. AHEM!! Yes. Testing is what I was
doing to you, Mega Man....... testing.(thinks)
Poor guy's slowly losing it....Ahem.
Testing.Testing?Testing.Okaaaay....
I'll disappear now so you can do the scene right this time..........
OK?Yes,
yes..... of course.Will
you be OK by yourself, Dr. Light?Errr......
yes, Mega Man.Good.I
think.OK,
I'm disappearing, so all you readers listen up as Dr. Light explains
what exactly happened that week when Cranky had proposed to Princess
Zelda,
OK?OK?Is
anyone READING?!Well,
sheesh, go play Majora's Mask or something if you don't wanna know
what happened!!Yeah,
play Majora's Mask, play Majora's Mask! While you're at it, send
me money!! Send 5,000 rupees and a Majora's Mask strategy guide to---Get
out of here, Link!!(pulls
out his sword) I've had enough of your constant criticism--- SHUT
UP, ROBOT!!!Samus!!
Samus, Link told me to shut up! And... and.... AND HE CALLED ME
A ROBOT!! *Sniff*....... *sob*...............................Mega
Man, sweety, I really hate to break it to you..... but you "sorta"
are a robot.Really?'Fraid
so....Well....
uh...... well, Link did tell me to shut up!!Is
that so, "dear friend Link"?Uh-ohhh...........
heh......(grins)
I'm gonna have to slap your face off!!
slaps 's face off)SAMUS,
YOU SLAPPED MY FACE OFF!! NOW THERE'S BLOOD ALL OVER, AND---Listen,
that doesn't matter!!...................................It
just doesn't matter!!.........................................It.....
doesn't matter that I don't have a face anymore?No.
It doesn't, because Dr. Light is beginning the episode all over again!
So be quiet!!(whispers)
But will that make my face re-appear?Probably
not.YOU
@$#&*@$!!!!!!Shhhh!!
We're disappearing now, see?Hey,
cool!!
and everyone else vanishes)Ahem.Greetings,
dear readers of BOTVGH.I
am a man with a very white beard. I have been known all over the world
for my very, very, white beard.Unfortunately,
this beard of mine is completely irrelevant to this story,
and thus, you should probably forget about it, though I'd personally
suggest
that you keep it in your mind, because.......... well, because I find
it
rather pretty. (winks)Despite
my very white beard, something incredible happened at the end of
BOTVGH, season 6. Cranky Kong had proposed marriage to the Princess
Zelda.
It was a cliffhanger, indeed. But more than a cliffhanger..... indeed,
more. Indeed, it seemed to be more than a cliffhanger..... err....
because
it was. I think. Indeed.It
was during this cliffhanger that we discovered more about Mario's
past... Heya
there, it's-ah-me, Disco-daddy Mario!! Looka me afro, everybody!!.....something
very peculiar happened in that episode, also...... very
peculiar indeed. Quite peculiar. Molecularly peculiar.SCIENTIFICALLY
peculiar.Peculiarly
peculiar.Indeed,
we all know of the Legendary Rivalry between Princess Peach Toadstool
and Princess Zelda... do we not? Well, in this very episode, this
episode
of fate, this VERY EPISODE--Everybody that isn't in 's office: GET ON WITH
IT ALREADY!!Ahem,
yes, of course. And it was in this episode the Wicked Dragon Princess
Zelda infuriated the fair Princess Peach of Peace, and in her new-found
angst, the Mushroom Princess had hatched an Evil Diabolical Plan of the
Wickedus Diabolicus Genus to get married BEFORE the Princess Zelda
did!!
Truly Wicked and Diabolical!!Bravo!!
Bravo for Shakespeare I say!!The
scene, despite what might be read in that last episode, read along
these literaturically emphamatic lines:Royal Princess Zelda of The Kingdom of Hyrule: Thine pride... thine pride, dear "sister", O' witchcraft-consuming sister in broken friendship, thine pride is no more than a crushed and bruised lot of memories, for thou art the victim of my cunning. Princess Peach of The Kingdom of Mushroom: O what dost thou babble on about, O Princess Zelda of The Kingdom of Hyrule? Are not thine words to me much like the droppings of my Royal Pet Yoshi of The Kingdom of Mushroom; nothing more than a stench unto my "most delicate" nostrils? Royal Princess Zelda of The Kingdom of Hyrule: (laughs) Thine jesting is refreshening, do not doubt that, my dear Peach. Princess Peach of The Kingdom of Mushroom: (voice filled with bitterness and sarcasm) And I thank thee verily. Princess Zelda of The Kingdom of Hyrule: But lest thou collapseth with the burden of pride, do doubt that thine popularity in the Mushroom Kingdom will come of ruin once thine peasants and thine common-folk know that I managed to be married before THOU did!! Princess Peach of The Kingdom of Mushroom: What?! What?! What truth..... what truth can behind these-- these "words" that come out of thy mouth......... O, thou art a vile witch!! Princess Peach of The Kingdom of Mushroom: Verily I say that thou art a most vile witch and a boar at that, dear Zelda, but do not think that thou hast obtained victory over thine fellow Princess so easily! Princess Peach of The Kingdom of Mushroom: Come hither, brave Wario, for I shalt surely marry you, and in the light of our wed, the Princess Zelda... surely she shall choke, shalt she not? Brave Wario: Eh? *sniff*
That scene was simply......... beautiful. William Shakespeare always
brings me to tears.Anyway,
soon after that scene, the drama intensified, as--What?!
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!Oh,
hello friend Mario, I was simply discussing in a very intellectual
manner---Shut
up, you old quack!! You know that's not what happened, and the chances
are that the people ALREADY READ THAT SCENE, a scene which Shakespeare
DIDN'T WRITE, so GET OUT OF HERE!!!But--
but---If
people wanna know what happened, they're gonna find out the right way,
now GET OUT!!But--
but---
slaps 's face off)But--but---
re-appears)Dr.
Light, what happened to your face?!?But--but---Mario,
is there going to be a lot of gratuitous violence in this episode?You
bet, Link!! It's a good thing the people at BOTVGH don't censor things
like faces being slapped off!! *wink* *wink*
gives a Nintendo Gamecube)
Well gee, I guess I better get myself into the plastic surgery room
then......
later, guys!!Everybody: Later, Link! Gosh,
it's a good thing he didn't take it too harshly when I slapped his
face off.
thinks back to when she last punched him and he had thought she was
flirting
with him)Well,
now that I think of it.... it's not a good thing at all.Well
everybody, by the now the readers are probably very confused, so we
should probably let them in on what really happened, right?Right.Right.Right.Mr. Clean: A clean kitchen is a good kitchen. Mr. Clean: Errrr......... I mean, "Right". At
this point we should probably inform you, the readers, that you should
probably read the final
episode from season 6
over again. I HIGHLY suggest that you pause, read it, and then come
back
here. Unless you paid attention to that episode in the first place, in
which case I BEG YOU, STOP READING THIS WRITER'S EPISODES!! If you stop
reading his episodes maybe he'll stop writing those stupid Christmas
specials,
which'll probably save me from a few explosions and/or painful
accidents
in the not-so-distant future!! PLEASE!!Thank
you. I now present to you, Cranky Marries Princess Zelda, Part 2.Anonymous reader with the strange ability to contact the guy in the parentheses: Hey! I'm an anonymous reader with the strange ability to contact the guy in the parentheses, and I think this episode is just plain silly!! Anonymous reader with the strange ability to contact the guy in the parentheses: Because, that wedding episode was so long ago, nobody even cares anymore!! Anonymous reader with the strange ability to contact the guy in the parentheses: Oh yeah?! Well what if I'm SICK of episodes that are vital to the entire series?! HUH?! What if I don't want to see something big happen?! HUH?! HUH?! Anonymous reader with the strange ability to contact the guy in the parentheses: What if I don't HAVE candy?! Anonymous reader with the strange ability to contact the guy in the parentheses: Gee, thanks!
had just woken up in the middle of the forest...)Eh?!
Peach......... eh....... what's with the.... uh..... errrr...... the
white......... the white...... Dress?Yes!
The white......... uh...... dress, that uh.................. sorta
looks like a wedding dress?Do
you like it?Uh.....
eh.................... no. It scares me. You scare me. You are
in the act of scaring me, Princess.Well
guess what?What?I
DON'T CARE!!!..........
Umm......... you don't?Let's
get this clear right now, Wario---- I'm using you in a blatant attempt
to get married before that witch, Princess Zelda!!YOU........
marry.............. ME?!
thinks heavily about it)Hmm..........
I could be stinkin' rich if I marry Princess Toadstool.......
maybe even become the next king!! That is... err.... if the Mushroom
king
actually existed.... I don't anyone's even seen him..... but
nevertheless, I could
be stinkin' rich!! Heheheheheheh!!Hmmm........
but then there's Mario.... he'd always be in the way. The
dirty bum. He can always borrow a coin or two from me..... yeah.....
that'd
shut him up. Heheheheh........ lessee, I can have power, wealth, fame,
as well as power, wealth, and fame!!!But..........
then I'd have to give up my job at Santa's workshop.......
Saria........ Saria'd be so disappointed if she found out that I quit
my
job there just so I could live with some rich girl living back in
Hyrule......Hmmm..........
thinks about what he should do, while
dresses him in a tuxedo and gives him a red bow tie......)Peach,
I've, uh...... come to a decision--- marrying you would be a very
immoral thing to do as it would crush Mario's heart and ruin any chance
of peace between us, and although you are the most beautiful person on
this planet, I'm afraid I simply must be very firm with my decision,
your
majesty...... I can't marry you. It would be dumb.........................I'm
sorry.You..............
you called me "your majesty"!!Eh........
so I did....... did I?Yes,
you did! Mario never calls me that!!He
doesn't?He
doesn't!!
looks at with big, glittery,
anime eyes)Oh
Wario!!*Gulp*
Oh.... oh.... umm.......... Peach.)Look,
don't worry, Mario---- Peach running off to get married to Wario
isn't anything really personal.... she's just jealous of Zelda, that's
all!)
kisses on the cheek)Ha!
I bet Cranky wouldn't call ZELDA "your majesty"!)You
know how women are when they get into little cat fights like this.....
completely irrational!! Why, I remember the time Princess Ruto and
Malon
got into a fight over who I cared for more........ they started
shooting
each other!!Sigh.
But Link...... guns don't exist in Hyrule.OH.....
well, umm............. then it was just one of those "weird times",
I guess.Weird
times?Uh....
yeah. Weird times, when the moon is green and there's....... pigs
dancing all over.... Hyrule Field.Oh,
one of THOSE times, huh?Er......
yes.Sigh.........Hey
Mario, I know a way to cure your depression, AND make you less sad!!(sarcastic)
Gosh, a cure that can do BOTH?!Yup!!
Just sing a really sappy love song that you made up yourself!!You
know, Kirby..... that's really not such a bad idea!Whoa
boy..... laxative time.Ahem.
Hit it, maestro!!Maestro: I'M @#%$ SICK OF HITTING IT. @#$*$!!
begins to sing really badly)(chorus)
I like you.... Princess Peach!I like you......... a lot!! I like you......... Princess Peach! I like you....... you're hot!! I
met you back in '85, you've always made my days come alive,But now you've left me and gone to marry another fellow............... because your envy was the color of green Jello....  ....Puddin'
snacks!!Your
eyes were blue like really blue things, I never really heard you sing.I saved you time after time after time.............. and now I'm here rhyming this rhyme!! (chorus)
I like you.... Princess Peach!I like you......... a lot!! I like you......... Princess Peach! I like you....... you're hot!! You
left me and now I'm all alone,I'm really pathetic and don't know how to sing... and..... and........... .......WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!Tsk,
tsk, Mario........ great Italian opera singers do not cry in the middle
of their singing!! It is not professional.Oh
yeah..... well......... well......... you try..... y-you..... you try
to do better, Luigi! *sniff* WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!Ahem!
Maestro, please.....Maestro: OH, ALL RIGHT ALREADY!! Thank
you.This
oughta be really good.....You.... like opera, Samus?Sort of.Heh... you know.... I have a
bit of Italian blood in my heritage, and I
bet I could sing a love opera for you anyday, Samus.
slaps 's face
off)YOU DID IT AGAIN!!Link, this is a flashback!!Ooops, sorry. Heh.YOU DID IT FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN THIS EPISODE!!Shh, he's about to start!!
rolls up his sleeves)(
drinks a glass of water)Oh brother.....Ahem!
(
ahems)(
begins to sing)Princess Peach, oh Princess
Peach...... there was a day when eachOf us saw you and thought There's a girl who's great, who does not hesitate In doing what is best for her kingdom Mario liked you more than me,
so all I can really seeIs the fact of his love for you; can lost dreams ever come true? *sniff*OH WHY, PEACH, OH WHY PEACH?!
There was a day when eachOf us saw you and thought There's a girl who's great, who does not hesitate In doing what is best for her kingdom!! OH WHY, PEACH, OH WHY PEACH?!See my brother's broken heart, for rivalry did you just part With Mario and his love for you Well, I'll see you later,
guys.... I'm going make myself a baloney and
wood sandwich....You don't like Luigi's great
Italian singing, Cranky?Singing? I thought he was
trying to cough out his intestines. In that case,
maybe I'll eat the baloney and wood sandwich later. This is pretty
doggone
good singing.You think so?Not really. When you're my age,
you'll listen to anything while you're
taking your laxatives.OH WHY, PEACH, OH WHY PEACH?!You left because you were mad at the Princess of Hyrule. You left to marry Wario, but Wario's a fool....... Oh why did you have to be so hasty because of jealousy? When you........... oh YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU.......... Could have married Mario instead; your hero forever; your destin-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! *sniff*Rivadici arbego loba valici
morinci vetania horo de mezzo de gracé!!
De prega orgela manatellicci fezzo!!Fezzziiiiiiiiiiibarooooooooo!! Fezibaro donnatri! Mama-mia Peach desto degracé messateré dicci! Spevani doréko anjolé Mario mabestili parmesan!! Aria mezzo de caraterre celese varicè prestalon!! Prego Ravioli Ragu..............Prego Ravioli Raguuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu............................................................... de la PE-E-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACH!!!!!!! (
bows)..........................................................................................WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!I know, Mario. I know how you
must feel. It's a very confusing time for
all of us.
(
pats 's
shoulder)No, it's not that!!!! *sniff*Then....?Where'd you learn to.....
*sniff*....... SING LIKE THAT?!It's simple, Mario. I'm more
Italian than you........................WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!Errrr....... I mean..... not
that that is such a good thing!! I mean.....
being too Italian, it's uhhh... it's bad for you, because Italian food
has been proven to umm....... cause stomach decay!*Sniff*....... that's not true,
Luigi....... you're lying to me.You're right, I am.WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!.............................................
(
stares at )AND YOU KNOW WHAT?!WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!YOU'RE A BIG BABY!!WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!Yeah, that's right, you're a
big fat baby!! Peach never said she LIKED
Wario, she's just marrying him so she can ruin Zelda's plans!!......*sniff*..............
really? Then you think I'm just being silly?Of course, there was that time
when she winked at him during last year's
tennis tournament........WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!Hey, Jumpman.......*Sniff*............. Yeah,
Crank?Jumpman..... I, ehhh..... I
don't know how to say this, but ummm......I sorta........ I
sorta............ I'd sorta like for you to umm.....
uh.......... I'd sorta like it if....... uhh......... if uh...............if you'd be my best man
at my wedding!! There, I said it!!............*sniff*..............................R-r-r-really,
Cranky? You want me to be...... your best
man.....? Even...... even after all these years of senseless violence
precariously
labeled as "humor" and then fed to the willing masses of young minds
across
America?Aw......... heck, even after
all these years of senseless violence precariously
labeled as "humor" and then fed to the willing masses of young minds
across
America!!........Gosh, Cranky.......
that's....... that's so nice of you........
I love you, man!!Say..... I wanna seal this
permanent truce between us, Jumpman.... I mean,
Mario. So here, wanna bite of my baloney and wood sandwich?*sniff* Sure, Cranky!!WELL TOO BAD, YA CAN'T HAVE
ONE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAH!!
(
throws a TNT barrel at 's head)AUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!
MY HEAD'S BEEN BLOWN OFF!!
(
interrupts the story)Ahem. Violent, Link?Quite.
(The story resumes) YOU BLEW MY HEAD OFF!!
(
drags a 54-inch screen TV into the scene of the violent head murder)Why the big-screen TV, Shroomy
One?What big screen TV?! I can't
see a big screen TV!!When'd you go blind, Mario?I didn't go blind... MY HEAD
WAS BLOWN OFF MY NECK!!Oh yeah.Which brings me to why I
brought this TV here....... well..... it's sorta
like this, see.......
(
takes out the 2001 revised version of The Official BOTVGH Rule and Code
Book With New Recipes for Plot Twists and Ultimate Disaster, and turns
to page 54)That ultimate disaster part
came to no surprise to the readers, I bet.
Ah, here we go.......Ahem, page 54 paragraph 2....."In the situation wherein a
deed of great violence followed by many exclamations
of fury and the reading of many long words from a handbook that Toad
will
be holding in an episode by Matt Broussard, in such a situation as, for
example, Mario's head being blown away, the innocent and impressionable
readers must be quickly subdued with an advertisement."Eh........No el comprendo.............
señor?................................................................................................................What?! I thought he was
speaking Spanish!!!!Sigh............. put it in
plain english for him, Toad.... I would, but
my head is being washed away by the tide here.............Oh yeah. Well, to put things in
in layman's terms, we're gonna have a little
commercial break from our sponsors so the audience won't be exposed to
excessive gore that results when someone's head is.... err..... blown
off
their body by an explosive.
( 's
head starts drifting away)We have "sponsors"?Umm......... Yeah.Gee...... Kremling Island is
just over that way..... I've always wanted
to visit that place, but never like this..... sigh.Wait a minute---- if we're
SPONSORED for being hopelessly stuck on an island,
how come I never get any money then?!?!Uh.....I WANT MONEY!!Hmm..... y'know, this water
could use a little more salt....I'LL SUE!!!Why hello, Mr. Shark!!I'LL SUE ON GROUNDS OF BAD
SPONSORSHIP!!!Uhh.....Hungry, you say?Shhh!! The commercial's about
to start!!No, I can't say that I'd really
taste good with plain parmesan cheese,
but a bit of marinara sauce might just do the trick!!I'LL TAKE IT TO THE SUPREME
COURT!!Be quiet, Link!!!NO!!!YES!!!NO!!!YES!!!NO!!!YES!!!NO!!!NO!!!I DEMAND A RE-COUNT!!!!.......................................What's that you say? It's
almost dinnertime?...........................Umm.......... heh.
(
quietly sulks into background)While Mario tries to get his
head back on and excessive gore floods the
scene, we at BOTVGH want you to enjoy the following word from our
sponsors
at..... you wouldn't believe it if we told you.......... SEGA!!HURRY UP AND EAT ME!!!
(
appears on the TV screen)Hi. I'm Sonic the Hedgehog, and
I'm here to remind you that Sega's products
are always of the highest quality.In fact, Sega's products are
among.......... among..................they're among..........Aw heck with it, this isn't
about Sega, and this isn't about our products.This is about
ME......................... and you guys on BOTVGH island.Quite frankly, I got one @#$%
of a bone to pick with you guys. You're all
@$#& LOSERS, WITH NO MONEY YOU $@#*% @^!#%$!! @#$$#!!Heh. But that ain't all I got
to say. I'm sick of you Nintendo-heads reading
this whole thing!! It's ridiculous........ how much faith are you gonna
put in this new Gamecube when it comes out, huh? TELL ME!! I'll tell
you
something about Gamecube....... that thing you saw at Space
World..........
IT WASN'T A REAL GAMECUBE.Oh no it wasn't......... last
night I snuck into Nintendo HQ myself and
took a look at Nintendo's great and mighty "128-bit" console, and found
out a deep, dark secret......It's actually a Dreamcast
painted purple!!There's evidence, see?
(
points to a television screen)Now, as much as this may LOOK
like a picture of Metroid Gamecube scribbled
with crayons onto a TV screen, it ISN'T!!! It's genuine!!Why, just look at the genuine,
state-of-the-art 3D graphics!! How can this
be beat?
(
touches the TV screen and some crayon color comes off on his glove)..............Errrrr...........................But what if I'm lying, you say?
Huh? WHAT if I'M lying?What if I'm lying, huh?Just WHAT IF
I'm................. lying.................
Well................................(whispers to a man who looks
strangely like  )
What IF I'm lying?Mysterious man who looks like :
Ah, but tell
them that you're absolutely not!!Yeah, that'll do the trick....
those @$%& NINTENDidiots'll believe
ANYTHING!!Ahem!! Well what if I'm lying,
you may say?Well I'm not.So there.What'cha gonna do about it,
Nintendo fans, HUH?!Huh, huh, huh?! You gonna whine
about it to Schmintendo Flower Magazine?
HEHEHEHEHEHEH!!.........Schmintendo Flower
Magazine....... I crack myself up!!Say, is Mario there?His head is drowning in the
ocean, apparently.Oh really? Well next time you
see him, tell him that I wish his head would
drown in the ocean and that he'd die!! HEHEHEH!!Yes. Of course I will.Lemme seeeeeeee........... what
else can I say before the commercial time
runs out........?Oh yeah........ YOU'RE ALL
REALLY STUPID!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!DREAMCAST RULES!!!
HEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!Got anything you wanna say,
Knux?Uh.... yeah Sonic, I
do.................................. I..... sorta
like playing Nintendo.WHAAAAAAT?!?!A lot.WHAAAAAAT?!?!Samus Aran is totally hot.WHAAAAAAT?!?!
(
blushes)Can I have your number?Sure, baby!!But......?!
BUT..................WHAAAAAAT?!?!...........................................What are you waiting for?! Give
me--- I mean, err....... give HIM the number!!
(
slaps 's head
off so he won't be able to
hear the number)(whispers) It's 555 378 3973!!Got it!!Knuckles, we're supposed to be
endorsing SEGA here, not NINTENDO!!You're just jealous cuz you're
not Samus Aran's new boyfriend, that's all!But........ but........ Samus!!...... But...................
KNUX.....?! WHY?!?!AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!Mysterious guy that looks like :
There's only
1 minute of commercial time left, Sonic!!!Oh, umm............ Sega rules
and the next Mario game'll suck and I hate
you all especially Mario and Shigeru Miyamoto is a really, really old
man,
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
SAMBA DE AMIGO!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! SONIC ADVENTURE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
SONIC SHUFFLE!!!!!!! HEHEHEHEHEH!!!!! SONIC ADVENTURE 2!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!How's Tuesday sound?HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!Sure, baby!!WHY ARE YOU CALLING HIM BABY
HE'S A SEGA CHARACTER AND YOU NEVER CALLED
ME BABY AND I DON'T HAVE A BODY NOW
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!Nice to see you out here in
ocean, Link!! I was just talking to Mr. Shark
here, and he said he'd love to have more people at this dinner party
we're
about to have, see---?
(The commercial ends) Somebody hurry up and take care
of the head situation here while I hurry
up and get another commercial ready!!!Yes sir!!THE SHARK'S GETTING CLOSER,
AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!Link, stop yelling!! Mr. Shark
is very sensitive, and---I'M GONNA DIE I'M GONNA DIE I'M
GONNA DIE I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!--I'm afraid you're just not
being a veery good dinner guest.AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!Lemme see, how do I get a
couple of heads back onto their bodies without
being messy?Kirby........Yes?Kirby........... when I'm
gone.... *gasp*....... when I'm gone..... go
to Lon Lon Ranch...... go there.......... tell Malon that I loved
her...........
and that even though........ even though I spent all my days flirting
with
Samus Aran here on this island.............. I uhhh.......... I really
did love her.Silly Link, you're not gonna
die!!..........................You're BOTH not gonna die!!I'm not?He's not?
(
violently throws his celebratory baloney and wood sandwich into the
garbage)They're not?!Nope!!DANGIT!! That woulda been 2
LESS hooligans on my island!!Hooligans?Yes, HOOLIGANS!! You're all
64-bit HOOLIGANS!!!
(
marches inside his cabin and slams the door)What's up with him?Oh, Cranky always gets upset
like that whenever he doesn't get to eat his
"Baloney and Wood Sandwich of Celebration". And who could blame him?
(Everyone on the island stares at )Ermm................ you were
saying, Kirby?You're both not gonna die cause
Toad's gonna play a magical commercial
and when it's over, you both won't be bloody heads anymore!! You'll be
neat n' clean, and as G-rated as pretty happy good-good special
sponges!!!!Oh no, not the sponges again,
Kirby....SPONGES!! YAAAAAAAAAY!!!Wait a minute.............. if
Toad's going through so much effort to censor
this part of the episode with a commercial break designed to occupy the
minds of the young and impressionable minds of the readers
thennnnnn............................................
what's stopping them from noticing all the blood we're drenched in
right
now?That's easy!! Your bodies are
all blurred out!!You mean like on the TV show
COPS when they don't want you to see the face
of the criminal, and it's all pixelated and stuff?Exactly!!AWESOME!! That means I get to
curse a lot because those dudes ALWAYS curse
in front of the camera!! @#$%!!!@$%&#?!? @$%&*$!!!!Sigh........... I guess this
means our dinner is off, Mr. Shark.@$&%$@*$#@$^%!!!!@%$#*$@$#$#!!!!
(
walks out of his cabin)@$#&%?!Hmmm.......$@%&#!!!@$%#!!
(
walks back into his cabin)Is the writer running out of
good ideas?Yes.COMMERCIAL TIME!!!
(
appears on the TV screen)(
is standing next to a TV screen where Majora's Mask is being played)Hey!!Watch out!!Look!!Hey-watchout-look!!Watchout!! Look!!Hey!!Hey!!
Hey!!Watchout!!Look!!Look-watchout-hey-hey-look!!Hey!!Hey!! Watchout!!Look!!N64 Commercial Voice: Behold... the torture that results when no one presses the top C button to listen to Navi the fairy. Hey!!Look!!N64 Commercial Voice: The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, only on N64. Rated E for Everyone. Watchout!!
(The commercial ends, and and are
now back to normal)Gosh, it's great to have my
head back!!You said it, Link......... say,
why don't we tell the readers about the
exciting and adventurous process that magically brought us back to this
wonderful state of well-being?
(They glance at each other) and : NAAH!!!
(Meanwhile with
and )( ,
in her wedding dress, is dragging up a hill)We're almost at Funky's house,
Wario dear, PLEASE stop squirming already!!But Peach, I don't wanna get
married to you, you're not even that pretty--WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!--when you're....... umm......
angry liike that.Well I'm going to have to get
married to SOMEONE within the next THREE
DAYS, WARIO............. and guess who that someone's going to BE?!(sarcastic) Who's that
oh-so-unlucky person gonna be, eh, Peach?I DIDN'T SAY THAT THE SOMEONE
WOULD BE "UNLUCKY"!!!You didn't. I'm....... sorry.
Lemme guess........ am I gonna marry you,
Peach?Yes, YOU..............
honey-poo. Tee-hee!!"Honey-poo?"Yes. Tee-hee!!
(
looks at his blushing bride)I'm such a blushing bride!!Hmmm.......(thinking) How the heck am I
gonna get out of this one?!? Mario's gonna
KILL me if he finds out I married Peach!!
(
thinks back to his childhood days when he and
would play innocent games and would always
play the role of the good guy and 'd get stuck
with role of the rotten criminal)(thinking) No..... I'M gonna
kill MARIO. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!
(
also remembers what the psychiatrist told him about thinking evil
thoughts
and then laughing out loud about it in his head)Psychiatrist: Wario, you have der baloney in yer volkswagen. How der heck did you get der baloney in yer volkswagen?! (Wrong memory) Psychiatrist: Wario, you are der looney cuckoo. To stop BEING der looney cuckoo you moost stop thinking der evil thoughts and laughing out loud about dem. Psychiatrist: I am der king of sausages. ALL HAIL DER KING OF SAUSAGES!! Peach, I'm afraid I......
uh...........Shhh!! This is the place......
I think. I swear, Funky has so many businesses,
it's impossible to tell exactly where to find the guy.......
(
knocks on the door of 's hut)Muffled voice from inside the hut: I DON'T HAVE THE PLANS!! JUST LEAVE ME IN PEACE!! ?????
(
knocks on the door again)Muffled voice from inside the hut: I'M NOT EVEN SELLING THE UNDERGROUND CANADIAN GOVERNMENT'S WEAPONRY ANYMORE!!! Eh?Muffled voice from inside the hut: ALL DEALS HAVE BEEN BROKEN, AND I KNOW NOTHING OF THE NEW STRATEGY!! Funky, it's us!!Muffled voice from inside the hut: I KNOW VERY WELL WHO IT IS. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, I OWE YOU GUYS NOTHING, NOTHING, I SAY--- (
opens the door, with a bazooka ready in his hand)---NOOOOOOOOOOOTHIIIIIIIIIIING!!
(
and duck)................Oh, it's only you,
Peach...........
(
looks down)And that Wario dude. Hey didn't
you try to ruin Christmas a coupla years
back?Heh..... yeah..... that was
me..... heh!I see.
looks at the two suspiciously)Look...... you guys didn't hear
a thing...... RIGHT?!Uhh..... yes, of course..... we
uhh.....We know NOTHING of your past
illegal weaponry associations, honest!!Riiiiight.Sooo...... what can I do for
you guys?
(
lowers his shades and looks at )....................Heeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy.............
MOST killer white bikini you're wearin
there', royal one!!This isn't a bikini, it's my
wedding dress........... OH, errr-----
uhhhhhhhhhhhh....... yeah..... of course, I knew
that!!...............................................................Ahem!!Sorry fellas, I just don't do
weddings anymore. Not after ol' Wrinkly died.
(
looks heavenward and places his hat on his chest)Bless her sweet old lady soul.
(
breaks into a touching gospel song about Wrinkly Kong and heaven)Oh, over the rainbow there is
plaaaaaace---
(
interrupts)But you HAVE TO still be in the
wedding business, Funky, Cranky's getting
married in THREE DAYS!!!Huh? Cranky Kong's
re-marrying? Nobody comes up the hill to tell me this
sorta stuff, dude!!I don't know if
that.............. would it............ would it be what
WRINKLY woulda wanted for ol' Crank?
(
looks heavenward)SNAP OUT OF IT!!! HOW DARE YOU
THINK OF DEAD PEOPLE AT A TIME LIKE THIS!!HEY-- I was very close to the
old lady!! I--- I was teaching her how to
surf, just days before she.......... just days before
she..................
*sniff* *sob*........ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!She WAS a sweet old lady,
wasn't she?Heck yeah, Wario......
*sniff*.......... she was the best at Super Mario
64, and she made the........ the BEST DARN BANANA PIE EVER!!! *sniff*
(
sobs on 's shoulder)There, there. I miss her, too.............................Dude, you never met her.Oh yeah!!She really liked Wario Land 2.WHY'D SHE HAVE TO LEAVE US,
WHHHHHHHHYYYYYYY??!?!??!Fate seems so cruel.ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGH!!! WHAT DOES
THIS HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR WEDDING BUSINESS
IN ANY---Shhhhh!!! We're going to pay
homage to her gravesite, you heartless clod.But........ but.............?Why me?
(Later, when
and come
back from the graveyard)Dude, you shoulda seen it, it
was AWESOME--- tell her about it, Wario!!It was awesome, Peach, we went
to her grave and left her a banana peel-----which it turns out to be a
really oldd Kong tradition that's done when
visiting the dead------and her ghost just rose up
from the grave all of the sudden, and she
gave us all sorts of video game tips, and taught us the force, and---
and---
and---............Sigh..............----and----You're just a heartless clod,
that's all.Heh, yeah..... at least WE know
how to beat Jet Force Gemini in under 4
hours now!!Yeah, you're just a jealous,
heartless clod-girl in a wedding dress, that's
all!!..............................................Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiittt............That's why you came here, isn't
it?Uh-huh.An' you wanna get married,
like, now, right?Uh-huh.Or you'll kill me, right?Uh-huh.Bummer.Well, uhhhh........... I guess
things are cool enough for my wedding shack
to be resurrected from its state of
not-being-a-wedding-shack-anymore-ness....................But.........First I gotta ask you some
Q's.........Firstly....... why are you,
Peach, who's like, the Princess of the Mushroom
Kingdom and stuff, marrying Wario, the most righteous respecter of dead
old ladies? And..... not Mario?Welllllll......... the news of
Princess Zelda and Cranky Kong just sorta---Waitaminute---- Cranky Kong's
marrying THE Zelda of the Legend of Zelda
fame?SIGH........ YES.Awwww...... that sly old dog,
heh, I knew he had good taste.Yes, anyway, the news sort of
just vaporized in front of everyone, and
I got a bit hasty, and........... sort of, grabbed Wario's arm instead
of someone a bit more............ "suitable". I just needed SOMEONE who
I could hurry up and marry before Zelda marries, so I just sorta......
uhhhhhh......... grabbed the person standing right next to me.(depressed) That's me.But after hearing him refer to
me as "your Majesty", something MARIO never
did, that lazy, good-for-nothing slob---- I saw Wario in a way I had
never
seen him before. I always thought he was sorta cute in a way, but......
but............ I had never known him as someone so........
"gentleman-like"!!
Sigh...
( 's
eyes get huge and anime-sparkly)Uhhhhhhhh..................(whispers into's ear) Did
something, like, snap in
her brain?I'm not sure. Just do what she
says and we'll all be very safe.... I hope.Uhh........ OK. That's all I
wanted to know directly, but uhhh..........
ahem!! There are legal papers to be signed first.I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANY
LONGER, PRINCESS ZELDA COULD HAVE BEEN BLUFFING
ABOUT THE 3 DAYS AND SHE MIGHT BE GETTING MARRIED ANY SECOND
NOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!But I'm the only certifiable
marriage-man on the island, she can't get
married right now!!Don't underestimate her wicked
powers, my mortal friends.and :
...............................Errr..........Ummm...................Of course, why would we?It'd be the dumbest thing we
could do!!We'd NEVER underestimate
someone's..... "wicked powers". That'd be...............Unsanitary and
undignified!!Yeah, what he said.Indeed, now MUST I sign these
papers?Not just ANY papers, LEGAL
papers!!Define "legal papers".Papers that contain really big
words that are written really small.Sigh. Whatever....
(Meanwhile, with
and the gang)Everyone: We don't like being referred to as "the gang"!! (Sorry) Zelda, do you really gotta
marry Cranky? If you don't marry Cranky, then
this whole thing can end, and Peach won't get married to Wario, and my
life won't be miserable...... PLEASE!!Silly Mario, what do you see in
Princess Toadstool? She's fat and she's
bossy and manipulative, and her hair is just so..... so.... retro. In a
bad way.
And your hair is retro in
a........?A good way. Isn't that right,
Cranky sweet-ums?Absolutely, my dear Princess.I think I'm gonna be sick....Wanna laxative?NO!!No....? That's what I hear
whenever I try to be nice to ya, Jumpman?!YES!!Well quite frankly........ I am
deeply offended by the refusal of my most
gracious offer.IT'S A LAXATIVE, FOR CRYING OUT
LOUD!!No..... it-it.......... it was
a laxative from the bottom of my heart,
that's what it was!!!.........*sniff*................................................................................was it really?NAH!!
(
throws a barrel at 's head)OWWWWW!!!HAHAHAHAHAH!!! I NEVER GET SICK
OF YOUR ETERNAL AAAAANNNNNNGGGGGGGUUUUUUUIIIIIIIISSHHHHH!!!!.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Ummmmm............. never mind!!Sigh...........Mario..... to put it bluntly,
with your money, you could probably get any
video game girl in the whole world.... why care so much for the same
girl
you met back in 1985?! 15 years ago, for crying out loud!!........................Your honor---- err---
Zelda...... may I speak on Mario's behalf?Proceed, dear Link.Well, to answer your question,
I think it's because Princess Peach is the
only one truly meant for Mario's heart--- she's just so "not boring"
that
when she first entered Mario's life, Mario realized how ordinary he
himself
was, and that he just couldn't live without the excitement she brought.
They were meant for each other, their destinies were etched in the
stars
for an eternity before the day they met.Link.........When two stars are destined to
be close together, they lie in space for
eternity, side by side, forming a small line. As any dreamer knows, a
line
is only the building block of what soon can become a beautiful picture,
and in this case, the very fact that they were meant for each other
wasn't
enough for Mario. He knew that if he spent his life around her, his
life
wouldn't be just a dot. It'd be a line, and that line would create a
beautiful
picture that would create beautiful rain-drop memories that would wet
the
tongue of his memory for the rest of his life.Link..........It was love; and that's exactly
why Mario decided that he wanted to spend
the rest of his life with Princess Peach Toadstool.Link, that was the most
beautiful, caring, and sensitive thing that I've
ever heard you say!!Really? Then kiss me, sexy!!
(
slaps 's
surgically re-attached face back
off)@$%&!!!Zelda............................
how............................How...........................................................................How can I answer
you, Zelda?I...... I can't be without the
Princess........ Princess Peach isn't here,
so I just....... I just.......Here we go........
(
gets a barf-barrel ready)Princess Peach isn't here, so
I...............Princess Peach isn't
here.................. so I....................She isn't here......... so
I.................She isn't
here........................................................................ She's not here,
she's......................................................................................................................She isn't here.........
she's....................?She isn't.......... here so
she's.................... she's.............
she's...........?She's..........................
she's......................................................She's..................................
(Something long-forgotten dawns upon )She--- she---- she--- she isn't
in this castle.Mario.........She isn't in this castle.She isn't in this castle!!Has he gone nuts?!She isn't in this castle!!Nope, Link......... Jumpman's
just remembering, that's all...............................
(
runs up to and shakes
him)TOAD, SHE ISN'T IN THIS
CASTLE!!!!Thank you Mario...... but our
Princess is....... in another castle...........................................Say that again, Toad!!!!Thank you Mario, but our
Princess is in another castle!...........................*gasp*...................................................................
(Suddenly...........) (.....A mushroom descends from the sky.........) (.............and lands directly in 's hand)I had been storing this one
for........... years.I had completely......
forgotten about it...........
(
eats the mushroom and becomes Super Mario)MAMA-MIA, that felt great!!!
(
walks off into the sunset)Dare I ask where you're going,
Mario?You know perfectly well where
I'm going, brother. I'm going to save my
fair Princess Toadstool from making a terrible mistake!!Her hero's back, and this time,
it's sure as heck NOT because of the latest
Super Mario game, or just because it's what everyone expects me to
do.......
no way................ cuz the Princess's real Mario has been gone way
too long.
(
pauses the story)Don't you just love it when
emotional stuff like this happens on BOTVGH?It's almost as fun as dancing
with wet sponges, Mario!!Shut up, Kirby.
(The story resumes) Good riddance, Jumpman!!
(
walks off into the sunset)He didn't even yell at Cranky
for calling him Jumpman!!Wow.....*sniff* There's only one
problem with this scene......What's that, Luigi?Mario's walking off into the
sunset for no apparent reason!! Peach obviously
went to Funky to get married, and Funky obviously doesn't live in the
sunset.Heh.... let's see how long
before ol' Jumpman realizes that.
(15 minutes later) WAIT FOR ME, MARIO!!!
(
transforms into so he
can catch up with
more quickly)(Meanwhile with )FINALLY!!! I gave you my phone
number, address, social security number,
credit card number, age, height, gender, hair color, e-mail address,
ICQ
address, nail polish color, dress size, eye color, DNA
samples...........
I EVEN FILLED OUT A FORM THAT ASKED ME TO CITE MY REASONS FOR BEING A
PRINCESS
AND NOT LIVING IN DENVER, COLORADO, WORKING AS A METER-MAID!!!Umm....... yeah, you sure did.IS THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?! CAN
WE GET MARRIED NOW?!?! HUH?! HUH?! HUH?!
OR DO YOU WANT TO TALK MORE ABOUT WRINKLY?! COME ON, LET'S ALL VISIT
WRINKLY'S
GRAVE AND TALK TO HER FOR HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS........
(10 minutes later) FURTHERMORE, YOU'RE STUPID AND
I NEVER LIKED YOUR FLIGHT SERVICE, YOU STUPID,
STUPID............... STUPID-HEAD!!!!!Is it out of her system, or
should we hide under the nearest rock before
explosion?Probably the latter.CAN.......... I..........
GET............ MARRIED............ NOW?!!Chill out, Peach..........Legally................AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!.....yes.Thank you!! Now get us
married........ NOW!!!OK, wait a sec, I gotta go put
on my priestly robes and make myself look
really old and stuff.....
(
goes inside his shack)Just wait 'till I see the look
on Zelda's face when she sees how I got
married BEFORE she did...... I'll hold this day against her forever!!!
MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!Have I yet told you that you
scare me, Princess?MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!I don't wanna marry you.........MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!You're just too scary.Plus, Mario's gonna kill me,
and everyone's gonna hate my wretched soul
forever and ever.MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!Why do you hate Princess Zelda
so much anyway, HUH?!?!Grrrr!! She and I go way
back............... waaaaaaaaaaay back.Waaaay back.Sigh..... is this gonna lead
into a flashback?Heck no!! Here comes Funky
right now!!Hear ye, hear ye, all who are
present. There's gonna be a marriage today......
all who are present.All who are present: YAAAAAY!! Okay, we're gathered here today
to do some crap as well as some more crap.
This crap'll undoubtedly lead to the marriage of Peach and Wario,
which'll
be totally bogus, as all of you who AREN'T HERE at this wedding, know!!All who aren't here at this wedding: BOOO!!! However, all who are present,
will be here to witness this occasion......
because they're present.All who are present: YAAAAAY!! Now that we've settled that
out, let's get down to business.Do you, Princess Peach, take
this man, to be your lawfully wedded husband,
to have and to hold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in
not-sickness,
till you're both, like, dead?
(Meanwhile
and are
racing frantically up the hill on the other
end of the jungle)Are you sure this is the right
way?I'm positive. I've been to
Funky's illegally imported weaponry warehouse
PLENTY of times!!What'd you say, Luigi?Oh, errrr--- nothing. Nothing
at all.
(Back with
and )And do you, Wario, take this
lady to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have
and to hold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in betterness,
till
you're both a couple of skeletons?I, uhh............... I,
uhhhhhhhhhh................
(
begins to sweat).....I,
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............................. ummm.............
(Meanwhile with
and )It's just over there, Mario!!Thanks, Luigi. Leave the rest
up to me, OK?You go win your love back,
Mario!! Find that woman who stole your heart!!
RUN!!.........................................You really are a sap, you know
that?Yes....... yes, Mario, but I'm
a "brotherly sap"!!Cause that's what brothers are
for!!
(
stares at for a second
or two)........................Remind me to beat you up when I
get back, OK Luigi?
(Back at the wedding) Uhhhh......... that
is........... not that'd I'd mind to, but ummmm.........I,
uhhhhhhh..................... I.....................
I...........................................................................Do.OK, then by the power invested
in me you're now married, and you can now
lay some lip on your bride or some other surfer-jargonized version of
"you
can now kiss the bride". I'm outta here, dudes.
(........... Their lips meet..............) (
comes swinging down on a vine)NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(
spots )YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!IIIIIII'MMMMMMM
SOOOORRRRRRYYYYY WAAAAAARRRRRRIIIOOOO, BUUUUUUUT SIIIIINNNNNCCCE
WEEEEE'RRRRE IIIIIIINNNNNN SSSLLLLLLOOOOOOOWWWW MOOOOOOOOTIOONNN,
IIIIITTTT'SSS
RRREEEEAAAALLLLY GONNNNAAAA HUUUUUURRRRTT WWWWWHHHHEEEENNN IIIIIII
KKKKKIIIICCCCKK
YYYYOOOOU!!!!!!!IIIIIITTTTT'SS
OOOOOOOOOKKKKKKK!!!!
(
swings down and kicks )Thank goodness the
slow-motion's over!!Princess!!
(
shakes )Snap out of it, Princess!!I---- I...................
I.................... was I just KISSING WARIO?!As disgusting as that sounds,
yes, you were, your majesty!!But why................ the
last thing I remember................. was..........Making my life a miserable
heck, by any chance?No......... no, that's not the
last thing I remember.The last thing I remember
was........ getting really, really angry at Princess
Zelda because she wanted to get married.............. BEFORE I DID!!Heh..... and THEN you made
Wario's life a miserable heck, your majesty?Very funny, Mario. I----.................................................................You................... you
called me--
(
kisses her madly, for 5 minutes straight).................---your majesty? I called you
that?
............uh-huh!!
Good. Then I'll....... do it again. Your majesty!
(
kisses her again, long and hard, and long, and hard....... my goodness.
This is mushy, so I'll meanwhile somewhere else, 'cuz
is forcing me to)The previous scene was mush---
GARBAGE, I tell ya!! In the old days we
didn't HAVE romantic re-unions and the like--- NO, we did with what we
had!!
In those days, you beat the game, ya saved the girl, and that was it---
no romantic kissing baloney, ya just saved the girl--- and maybe, just
MAYBE, you might see a heart appear above your heads!!
But even THAT required so much memory, and there was no telling if the
game wouldn't simply freeze for apparent reason!!
We did well with what little we had, and we were dang HAPPY about it---
no fancy schmancy polygon textures and the like........ no, we had REAL
gameplay, and no 5 minute long kissin' scenes, either........ BAH!!
(Can we get back to
and now?)Awwww...... heck, why not? The
readers wanna rot their minds out, LET 'EM,
BAH!!!
(Back with
and)(They're still kissing) Hold on, lemme get a piece of
paper, this could be a new world record!!
......You know what that was better than, Peach?
(still stunned) ..........................
It was better than a spicy fettuccini covered with parmesan and romano!!
...................................
Oh Mario, I love it when you compare me with pasta...............
Errr............. you do?
Umm......... no, not really. That'd be weird.
Oh.
........................
Peach, I'm sorry that it's been so long since I told you I love
you..........
...........................
Or did I ever?
You didn't, you jerk.
OH.......... Ummm.............. well, I love you!!
I'm sorry too, Mario.........
.....I let this whole situation get really out of hand........ I was so
jealous of Princess Zelda that I would've actually done something that
would've harmed our relationship forever......... I don't know what was
wrong with me.......
.......I had forgotten...........
I'm just as guilty, Princess...... Saving you from Bowser became......
I dunno, such a routine, that I forgot one of the biggest reasons that
I have for rescuing you all the time..........
..........................
............what's that?
I like you a lot.
(
smiles)Well, now that we've both come
to our senses, what say we head back to
shore and enjoy the next 3 days in peace?
...............That'd be, lovely, Mario. It'd be lovely.
(They hold hands, and walk back towards the shore where everyone else is......) ...........Oh, wait, no. This
is BOTVGH; peace is impossible.
Darn!!
AHEM!!!
Yeah, Wario?
AHEM!!
Oh yeah........ ummmm....... I guess I'm sorry for beating you
unconscious
and then dragging you off into the woods so I could marry you........
no
idea what came over me, honestly.
Just one question.......... how is that we're not legally married right
now?
.......................
Wario's right for a change, you two did kiss.....
(All eyes are on )Heh........... see, I didn't
actually prounounce you guys man and wife,
did I? Plus, I skipped a bunch of the boring crap, and there wasn't any
ring, either.
Mama-mia!! Nice thinking, Funkster!!
You ever call me that again and I will kill you.
It's OK, I'm hip with that, Funkster!!
That's it, I'm killing you.
(Everyone laughs heartily) No really, you're dead meat.
*gulp*
AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
(
runs away)As for you two, you're gettin'
one unrighteous bill comin' your way, dudes...........
here.
(
hands the
2-foot long wedding bill)AAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
(
runs away)Is this the part where I run
away also, for no apparent reason other than
to end this scene in a really sappy way?
Uhh....... yeah, whatever.
AUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
(
runs away)Weirdos.
......................
.......................
........................
Awwwww........
..........Heck, why not?
AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(
runs away)(3 days later, at
and 's
marriage ceremony.............)I can't believe ol' Cranky's
gonna get married within the next 15 minutes.........
BOTVGH's just not gonna be the same anymore.
Mario, he was married before!!
Yeah, but he wasn't all mushy and romantic with Wrinkly, you know? He
was
more sort of, "Dang it woman, stop hittin' me with the frying pan!"
And what's wrong with a little romance around here?
Peach, it's the Battle of The Video Game Heroes. The name seems to
denote
violence, don't you think?
Uhhh......... well.............
Well what about that kiss you gave me? THAT wasn't romantic?
Ummm....... this is different. This is Cranky.
(yelling at , who's
playing the organ) Doggone
it, Candy, I don't want no wedding music, I want you to play the DONKEY
KONG THEME, y'hear? Mix a bit of the Zelda theme in there, too!! And
play
it LOUD!!
Sigh.......... whatever, Cranky.
.........I see what you mean.
Hey Crank, come over here...... I need to tell you something......
Is it going to be something very heart-felt that'll make the readers
throw
up?
Probably so.
In that case, no way.
Please.......
Bah, oh all right......
I'm really glad you chose me to your best man, Cranky.
(
hugs him and pats him on back)Thanks.
*sniff*........... That........ that's got to be......... the nicest
thing
you've ever said to me, Mario............ thanks.
You called me, Mario........ I guess this is the start of a new change
for you, huh, Cranky ol' pal?
Yep......... *sniff*................
Hug me again!!
(
hugs )......................
*sniff* This..... *sniff*..... is the happiest day of my life...... you
know that, right Mario?
Yeah..........
....................
(They remain hugging) ...........*sniff*............
........................
........................
This is about where you decide to throw a TNT barrel at me, huh?
*sniff*......... no..............
Huh?
A GOOD OL' STEEL KEG'LL DO THE TRICK!!! HEHEHAHAHAH!!!
(
throws a steel keg at 's head)AAAAARRRRGGGGH!!! @$%#&!!!!
Shhh!! I better be walkin' up the aisle now, the wedding's startin'!!
(
begins to play "The Ode To the Good Ol' Days That the Young 'Uns'll
Never
Understand" on the organ, as walks down
the
aisle)*sniff*...........
*sniff*....... *sob*......
Mama-mia Peach, why are you crying? You're having an emotional moment
at
your arch-rival's wedding?
No....... no, it's not that.......
Then what is it?
It's.......... it's............... it's just sad how Dixie Kong could
RUIN
this fruit punch by--- by putting COCONUT in it!!!
(
takes a sip of the punch)Mama-mia Princess, that punch
is for after the wedding!!!!
(
spews the punch out and some of it lands in the punch bowl)...............
Ooooooooooppppssss..........
You did that on purpose, didn't you?!?!
Heheheheheh...... not really.......
Whaddaya mean, "not really"?! You're just trying to do ANYTHING you can
to mess up Zelda's wedding, huh?!
................... I........ just............. had no idea that it was
for the wedding reception, that's all.
Hmmmm......... now what are we gonna do?
Hmmmm..........
That's it!!
Quick hurry up and grab the other end of the bowl, and help me bring it
outside..... we'll just have to make it look like somebody,
errrr........
"accidentally" misplaced the bowl on Funky's roof!
(3 minutes later, on the rooftop) Mario, this is crazy, nobody's
going to believe that it just "appeared"
here for no reason!!
Trust me, Peach, I know what I'm doing!!
Don't you have some "best man" duties to be fulfilling right now, like,
I dunno, standing by the groom?
Heheh.... don't worry, Peach....... don't worry, I know what I'm
doing.......
I don't like the sound of your voice right now, Mario!! You're scaring
me!!
You just go enjoy the wedding.......... heheh......... I'll be right
there......
O----K. Are you sure you're not thinking of doing something evil?
Of course not, plumber's honor!!
Right.
(
leaves)Heheheheh........ only
something SEMI-evil, Peach............ SEMI-evil...........
heh... heh...... heh......... mwa...... ha........ ha.
(
holds up a saw and laughs at the sun, drooling maniacally)MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
(
climbs back up on the roof)Mario, what exactly do I say
if----
(
hides the saw behind his back).....................
Were you just.............. laughing at the sun?
Ummm..... no......... heheheh....... no, I wasn't!!
Are you su--
I SAID I WASN'T!!!!
OK....... well, as I was saying....... what exactly, do I say if---
----why is your chin covered in drool?
Errr..... no "particular" reason, but ummm............... there's
probably
a good "not-particular" reason.............. I think.
...........and what "not-particular" reason would that be?
Ummm........... I was thinking about how yummy wedding spaghetti is.
Mario, they don't usually serve spaghetti at weddings....
EXACTLY why I'm drooling!! Because they should, and it would be
delicious!!
Now go away.
But why?
"Why"? Because....... uhhhh........ because I was only joking, that's
why.
Ummmm............ what exactly did you come here to...... say?
I came here to ask you what I should tell anyone that might ask why
you're
not there standing by the groom? Should I tell them that you're
standing
on the roof laughing aloud maniacally?
NO, DON'T!!! I mean, I mean----- just tell them that I'll be there.
SOON!!
Right. OK.
(
leaves)WHEW!!
Mwahahahahahahahahah............... operation "Mario's Revenge" will
soon
be underway very soon I say, on Cranky's wedding day which is not in
May.
I hate it when the writer gets in a rhyming mood.
(
starts to saw away at the roof top........ OH NO, what DIABOLICAL
revenge
scheme could he be sneaking upon our poor, unsuspecting ?)You hate me, don't you?
(You bet I do!!) Well I've had enough of your
wisecracking--- you wanna settle this RIGHT
NOW, fist to fist?!?!
(...................Uhh........ I'd like to, but I don't have fists. I live in the parentheses for crying out loud!!) Oh yeah.
(Back inside 's
Chapel)Gosh I love weddings!!
They're.......... they're magical. And special,
and magical, and--- and they're just darn PRETTY!! Like sponges.
Sponges
are so beautiful, that sometimes........ SOMETIMES........... I just
wish
I was one.
Is that it?
*sniff*.............. yes. Yes, that's how I feel about weddings.
(
walks back to the pew he was sitting in)Uhhh....... thank you, Kirby,
for that "lovely", err---- "speech" on weddings.
It was very beautiful....... wasn't it, folks?Everyone: ............................. Jimmy the Thanksgiving Ham: HOO-RAY!!
Ahem!! And now....... back to the ceremony. Ahem. Where was I? Anyone,
like, remember it, or anything?Annoying man from the congregation: I THINK YOU WERE AT THE PART WHERE YOU ADMIT THAT YOU SUCK!!! (
shoots him with a coconut gun)Anybody?Innocent Little Stuttering Timmy: M--M---Mr. Funky, sir?
Yes, Innocent Little Timmy?Innocent Little Stuttering Timmy: I--I--I think y-y-you were at th-th-the p-p-part where you a-a-ask t-them if they agree to t-t-take e-each other as m-man and w-w-ife! Good GOLLY, I think that's where you w-w--w--were at!!
Is that so? Why THANK YOU, Innocent Little Timmy!! Thank you so very
much.
(
shoots him with the coconut gun)Anyone ELSE wanna interrupt,
dudes?!? Huh dudes, HUH?!?Everybody: ................................
That's the way to take care of 'em, Funky---
---SHUT!Everybody: ..................
Well I think you're just being---
SHUT!!
But--
S........ H........ U......... T.......
But I---
Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early SHUT?
How---
Super Shut 64, the lastest and greatest SHUT 64 title!!
But there's---
How many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could SHUT!!
Don't you---
Total SHUTdown!! HoneySHUT Cheerios!! SHUT Kong Country!!
But don't you mean "Shut UP"?
No, I mean SHUT, and shut means, SHUT, as in, shut, shut, SHUT YOUR
MOUTH
SO I CAN CONTINUE WITH THE WEDDING SO I CAN GO SURFING BEFORE IT'S TOO
LATE!!!
But how would it ever be "too late" to surf?
You don't know how the ocean is after 8 o' clock............. you don't
know the fear. The EVIL.Everybody: We all have no idea what you're talking about!!
That's cuz you're all CRAZY, YOU HEAR............?!?!?
(
gets a deranged look in his eyes)Craaaaaaaaazy.
(to )
When is this going to end.....?
Ummm........ Funky?
Crooooooozy.
Creeeeeezy.
Funky?
MOOOOO!!
BAAAAAAAA!!!
(
slaps him)Ow, dude!! That.............
that like, totally hurt and stuff!!
Get on with the wedding, or I won't pay you a ridiculously large amount
of banana coins.
Oh, right!!
Do you, Princess Zelda, take this ape, Cranky, to be your lawfully
wedded
husband, to have and to hold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and
in health, till death do you part?
(smiles) I do.
(Meanwhile, with )...Allllmost there.........
hehah.....
(Meanwhile, below )And do you, Cranky Kong, take
this totally hot babe to be your lawfully
wedded wife, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and
in health, till death do you part?
I do.
(thinking to himself) Wait a minute...... my super-happy sensors tell
me
that something's not very happy here...... no, something's not right at
all....
If there be any dude or chick here who thinks that this'd be a totally
stupid marriage, and that these people should not be together, let them
speak now, or forever hold their peace.
ME!!!Everyone: WHAT?!?!
Cranky, what are you TALKING about?!?
(Suddenly........ 's
eyes begin to glow red)Everyone: AAAAUUUUGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!
I just KNEW there was something un-happy about this wedding, didn't
you,
Jimmy?Jimmy the Thanksgiving Ham: I sure did, Kirby, even if I am a 1 year old dead pig meat!!
What the----?!
( 's
head twists around, and around, and around......)Demonic infestation, eh? I see
it all the time....
Really, Ness? How do you stop it?
You usually beat the crap out of the person possessed, and then you get
a ton of experience points as well as some new attacks.
........................
I MOST CERTAINLY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS WEDDING, LINK........ AND IF
YOU THINK IT'S DEMONIC INFESTATION, NESS, THEN GUESS AGAIN..........
MY VERY PROBLEM WITH THIS WEDDING IS THE PERSON WHO IS GETTING
MARRIED........
WHY, IF ANYONE SHOULD BE GETTING MARRIED TO ZELDA, IT SHOULD
BE...........
(Evil black smoke begins to come out of 's mouth)Everyone: GASP!!!
Dang it!! I knew I shouldn't have had them jalapeño peppers!!
(The smoke stops) Everyone: WHEW!!!
JUST KIDDING.........
(The evil black smoke continues to poor out) (It begins to take a humanly form........................) I----- It-----
(The form of none other than.........) GANONDORF!!
Good work, Link...... it certainly is nice to see that you've learned
to
make use of what little brain tissue you are fortunate to have.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
YOU.................. You just HAVE TO greet everyone with your
sinister
laugh, don't you?!?
Why......... I wouldn't say that it's sinister......... I'd say that
it's..........
EVIL!! WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
(Everyone in the chapel stares at )WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH......
hahah....... ha.......... heheh..... heh.........Everyone: ............................................
................ heh.....................
AHEM!! Excuse me.
I should've known it was you all along!!
Link, he gave absolutely no indication that he was possessing Cranky!!
Still....... I should've known it!!
............... Sigh....
Quite a brilliant plan, hmm? Now I have the Princess Zelda once and for
all, and with her I have the Triforce of Wisdom--- one of my final
steps
to ruling the Land of Hyrule!!Everyone: ..........................
I must say it was fun for a while, taking the role of such a foolish
and
amusing ape, but I quickly grew tired of it...... now the game is over.
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Wait a minute, Ganondorf, if you really became Cranky to make Zelda
fall
in love with you, then.................. why the HECK didn't you just
decide
to kidnap her earlier?
Hahah, that is because we villains like to do things at the very last
minute
so we can reveal the truth to EVERYONE, because, we are truly.....
EVIIILLLL!!!!
EVIIILLL?
EVIIIIILLLLLLL.....
Well that's just dumb of you.
Oh...... errr...... um......... you................ really think so?
Yes.
.......................
...................really?
Yes.
...... I--- I'm...................... I'm a dummy poo-poo head?
Yes.
YOU'RE THE BIGGEST DUMMY POO-POO HEAD IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!
..............................
............... *sniff*.......... now I'm wounded.
(pats on the
back) There, there.........
I mean............ I really do TRY to be evil....... I..... I just
don't
know what's wrong with MEEE!!!!
(
sobs on 's shoulder)Do........ you think.........
I'm a failure?
No, Ganondorf........ you're definitely not a failure, honest.....
AHEM!! RIGHT, everybody?Everyone: Oh sure, yeah!! You scared the heck out of us!!
Really?Everyone: NO, NOT REALLY!!
GRRR........ well....... I DON'T CARE, SO THERE!!
Ganondorf, you slimy filth............. this is the most sinister
scheme
you've had yet.
Why, I wouldn't say it's sinister.......... I'd say it's EVIL!!!!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!Everyone: YOU SAID THAT ALREADY!!
Oh--- well, ummm..........
Ummmmmm..........
What WAS I saying? Hmmmm.........
Ah yes.
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
My, I've made a fool of you this time, haven't I, Link?
.........................
HEH..... HEH........ HEH.......
And here I was honestly expecting not to see you for at least another 5
years....... but you ALWAYS have a way of escaping from Evil Realm,
don't
you, Ganon?
But of course I do!!
You ALWAYS DO!!!!!!!
Yes, I ALWAYS DO!!!
ALWAYS!!!
Yes, ALWAYS!!
Really? You ALWAYS do?
Uh-huh.
Really?
Why, didn't I tell you that I'm related to the great escape artist
Harry
Houdini?
Really? I don't think you did......... is that so? Wow! Is that true?
Yes, it is true!! Very distant dead cousin of mine.
Are you sure?
Positive!! He's a descendant of Gerudo lineage for sure......
Wow, that's something to think about......
It sure is.
...........................
.......................Everyone else: ...................
Where was I again, Link?
I think you were making an evil speech.
Ah, yes!!
I've made fools of you all, haven't I now? It was the ultimate plan
indeed.
Here on this island I find Zelda, my most precious treasure..... the
wielder
of the Triforce of Wisdom--- and Link, my sworn enemy, unequipped with
a proper shield and unable to stop me!!
Wait a minute, here!!
You think not having a SHIELD is gonna stop me from defeating you?
................errmmm....................... shouldn't it?
Heck no!!
(
draws his sword)Come get some.
(
charges forward with his sword)HYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
(
spins, in effort to dodge, but 's sword
goes through his cape---)HAH!!
(---and pins him to the wall!!!!) in a cheerleader's outfit: Go
Link, go Link, go Link!!
(
throws a mighty punch to 's nose)(thinking) That scum....... she
could ALWAYS fit a size 13 mini-skirt!!
UNNNGGH!!
(
kicks off, and
at the same time, releases
himself from the hold that the Master Sword had on him)AUUUGGGHH!!
(
reaches for the Master Sword, and grabs it.....)....................
...................
(The two pace around each other) (thinking) What could I
possibly do here? He has the Master Sword, how
in the world am I going to win this battle?!?Everybody: What could Link possibly do here? Ganondorf has the Master Sword, how in the world am I going to win this battle?!?
Hey, shut up everybody, I'm tryin' to THINK here!!Everybody: Sorry!!
Sheesh, a guy can't face the ultimate evil in peace and quiet
anymore.....
(Suddenly, a voice speaks words into the far reaches of 's mind)Use the Force, Luke!!!
What?!?!
You heard me, Luke, use the freakin' Force!!
But I'm not Luke Skywalker, I'm Link, defender of Hyrule!!
Darn. That's the 5th time I get the wrong kid today....
Yeah, well you're no help, so leave my head alone!!
Who's he talking to, Samus?
Let me ask you something, Toady. Have you ever been REALLY sure of
Link's
mental well-being?
Oh yeah. Never mind, then.
Are you SURE you don't want to use the force, Link?
SIGH..... Yes, very, very sure!!
( 's
voice fades away.....)( 's
voice fades in.......)Liiiinnnnnkkk.......
Cranky?! What are you doing in my head? Aren't you unconscious on the
floor?
Never mind that, Link!! I've come here to tell you something very
important..........
Yeah, Cranky-Wan Kenobi?
Ahem.
Use the TNT barrel, Link!!
But Cranky, you're not even my mentor, not even a ghostly one!! What
happened
to all the training you were supposed to give me on the Millenium
Falcon?
Just use the barrel, Link!!
I WANT MY JEDI TRAINING!!
JUST USE THE BARREL!!!!
No, not unless you guarantee me some authentic Jedi training!!
Sigh......... fine, fine, I'll give you my old Star Wars Gameboy Pak,
will
that be enough?!?
Well..... I've always liked that Carrie Fisher/Princess Leia poster you
got on the wall of your cabin.......
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE SUDDEN STAR WARS OBSESSION?!!
I just got visited by Obi-Wan Kenobi!!
My goodness, Link, who the devil are you talking to?!?
Shhhh!!! I'm communicating with the voices in my head!!
Oh my......
Poor boy. I-- I really didn't know it was THAT way.
You were visited by Obi-Wan Kenobi?! That's crazy talk, Link!!
(talking like young Obi-Wan) I know it sounds crazy, Master
Qui-Cranky-gon,
but I sensed his presence in force, I truly did!
..............................
Now you're just sick, you know that?
SIGH. JUST USE THE DANG FORCE--- I MEAN---- AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
USE THE TNT BARREL!!
OK, if you say so.
I really could recommend a good therapist, if you wish, Link...... I
never
had any idea that you were so ill in your mind.
HAH!! I may not be ill in the mind, Ganondorf...... but soon YOU will
be!!
I........ will?
Yes, you WILL!! The voices of my head have spoken to me, and they tell
me that I need to do......................
(
picks up a TNT barrel that happened to be nearby, and throws it at 's
head)................THIS!!!
You--- you're crazy, aren't you, Link?!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
I'm scared.
( 's
head is blown off his body)AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I HATE IT when you do stuff like that!! It simply ISN'T NICE!!!
(
and his remains disappear)Wh....... where'd he go, Link?
Where else, Princess? Back to the Evil Realm where he belongs!!
Link---- you saved me AND the Triforce!!
Of course I did--- can you REALLY expect any less from the.......
heh......
Hero of Time?!
OH, LINK!!
(
begins to smother in
kisses)Heh.... that's nice, Princess,
now uhhh........ let go.
(She hugs him tightly and smothers his face in kisses) This isn't funny, Zelda!!
Stop!! Samus!!!
Sam, HEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPP!!!!
Who am I to interfere with true love, Link? After all, like you said,
when
two people are meant for each other they're really two stars etched in
the cosmos, destined to be together for an ETERNITY, right?
Umm....... that in NO WAY would EVER, EVER apply to this situation so
HEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!
(
walks away)ZELDA, LET GOOOOOO!!!! SAMUS,
COME BACK!!!
(
wakes up)What the heck happened and why
am I in New Jersey with Harrison Ford?!?!
(
looks around, and sees utter chaos)Oh never mind, I'm still on DK
Island.Everybody: Hey, Cranky's awake!!
Hey everybody, I'm awake. NOW WHY THE HECK AM I IN A TUXEDO!?!?
Sigh..... it's a ridiculously long story, Cranky........ and......
........you'll just have to accept the fact that you'll probably never
know what happened.
(Meanwhile, on the roof) YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! THE
HOLE IS FINNNNIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHHHHHED!!!!!
BOMBS AWAY!!!
(
drops the 10-pound bowl full of punch down the hole)Then why the heck----
(The bowl falls down on 's
head)Urg!
(
falls unconscious again)(
comes running into the chapel)HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I GOT YOU
I GOT YOU I GOT YOU!!! Take THAT!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Nyah-nyah-nyah-NYAH!!
You thought you could just keep throwing barrels at me throughout the
entire
episode, but I GOT MY REVENGE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
Mario..............
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Mario!!
You NEVER saw that one comin', huh?! Thought your own BEST MAN couldn't
pull something like THAT OFF, HUH?!?!
Mario, that wasn't even Cranky who threw all those barrels at you.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! HAHAHAHAH........... what was that, Peach?
It turned out that he was possessed by the Ganondorf all this time.
(
looks at on the
floor)Oh.
Well that makes it a lot different then, doesn't it?
Yes, I suppose it does.
WAIT........ so this means that Ganondorf was simply trying to get
close
to Zelda so he could steal the Triforce of Wisdom, only to be stopped
by
Link, who would kill him with a TNT barrel and send him back to the
Evil
Realm?
Uhhhh.......... actually, yes.
Mama-mia, I missed a whole lotta plot development!!
Yes..... yes, you did.
.......................
...........................
Is Cranky right behind me?
Yep.
With a large and painful barrel?
Yep.
Sigh.
TAKE THIS, JUMPMAN!!!
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT?!?!?!
9 trillion and 2!!
Really? Gosh, that's a lot.
Well I got some pretty darn high standards, unlike SOMEONE I KNOW,
who'd
like to drop a punch bowl on an old monkey's head any time he pleases!!!
Hey........ you just admitted that you were old, Cranky!!
Uhh...... no I didn't!! I swear I didn't!!Everyone: HA HA, Cranky's an old ape, Cranky's an old ape, Cranky's an old aaaaaaaaaappppppeee!!!!
Go back to the present time already!!
(Back to the present time) And that's how it happened. We
laughed at Cranky all night, and made his
life absolutely miserable!! It was SO fun.
But-- but---
Heh, as you can see, Dr. Light here has been saying "But-- but--"
throughout
the whole time I was telling you readers this story--- err--- epic---
err---
saga.
Just call it an R-rated box violence that should never be opened.
I like that, Link.... very poetic...
Yeah, but only one thing bothers me about it...... why so much
violence?
Was the writer desperately trying to cover up the fact that he was
completely
out of ideas?
No, Mega Man, no, Link........... I think all the horrible things that
happened over those few days were a lesson. A lesson passed down to us
from the heavens.......
You mean, like, a moral?
Yes. There was a moral to that story...... a beautiful moral.
A beautiful moral, indeed.
You're just trying to come up with a way to end this episode, aren't
you?!?!
Sigh....... yes.
Hmmm............. I know!! We could give readers a chance to tell the
writer
what they thought about this episode--- did it bore them, and was there
a moral?
That's it!! It's shameful, but let's give them his e-mail address so
everyone
can flame him to death!!Writer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
Quick, before he drops something heavy on us BESIDES a cow!!
It's ness_7@hotmail.com!!
That's
ness_7@hotmail.com, got
it?!
and : REVENGE
IS OURS, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
(
and
wait for something to fall)Hey.......
..........what's the deal?!
I guess he isn't going to drop anything on us after all!!
Guess not.
Hmmm.......... what should we do then?
Let's sing the BOTVGH theme song!!
But one doesn't even exist, Mega Man!!
We'll make one up!!
I dunno.......
Come on, it won't end up being any more pathetic than this whole
episode
has been, right?
I guess not, but considering that I don't have a FACE ANYMORE......
(
glares at )I might not sing my best.
Welll....... we'll just stand here........ how about that?
Sure.........
(They stand there..........) (And stand there.............) (And stand there............) DROP SOMETHING ALREADY, DO
SOMETHING!!!
(Sammy the Comical Cameo Whale falls on their heads) Thank you.Sammy the Comical Cameo Whale: Hi, I'm Sammy the Comical Cameo Whale, and I'm gosh-darn humorous!!
But- but- but---
THE END |
 |
This has been a BOTVGH Production (c). All video game characters are copyright their respective companies. This episode belongs to the BOTVGH Archive and the author.