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Zelda and Cranky Get Married! Part 2 By Matt Broussard |
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Zelda and Cranky Get Married! Part 2 By Matt Broussard |
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Mario, Luigi, Wario, Peach, Toad, Link, Zelda, Navi, Samus, Kirby Bottom Row: Mega Man, Dr. Light, Cranky, Funky, Candy, Sonic, Knuckles, Obi-Wan Kenobi, H Cuz, Ness Not Pictured: Maestro, Jimmy the Talking Thanksgiving Ham, Mr. Clean, THE MYSTERIOUS EVIL VILLAIN, various other cameos |
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Ahem......... So. So. So, you're finally, you're all here, my
friends....
Greetings.... greetings to you all. My name.... is Light. Dr. Thomas
Xavier
Light.
Please....
please, have a seat.......or,
if you prefer standing in front of your computer screen while reading
large amounts of text, that's quite all right with me.There
is a purpose for me being here today. One of importance, great, great
importance. Great importance. Tremendous importance.IMPORTANCE
importance. Do you know what important importance is, dear friends?
Why, it's important, that's what!!It's....
err.... scientific as well. I know this for a fact, because I'm
a scientist, and as a result, I know some "very scientific things".
Scientific
things are the things that are in my head. And it's a smarty-smart
head,
I can tell you that. I can tell you that because I know this well. As a
matter of fact, I know it very, VERY well..... ho-ho!!Ahem!
But as important as my purpose here may be, perhaps you don't see
my purpose here.......... alas, does anyone TRULY understand their
purpose?
Do I understand the purpose of you............. of me...... of cheese?Dr.
Light? What are you talking about?Cheese,
of course, lacks the intelligence required to build such a scientific
device, but if you talk to it very nicely cheese may even....What?!
Dr. Light, what does this have to do with season 7's final episode?Be
that as it may, there are still technical difficulties within the
system;
of course, this must all be resolved under careful analysis of the...Dr.
Light!!...and
of course that would be mankind's fault entirely, Dr. Philanphos!
Regarding not only the genetic code, but the....DR.
LIGHT!!.....but
that would leave the neutrons unstable, thus making them not neutral
at all, but electric. They'd be electrons!!! Ho, ho, ho, your
jokes
DO crack me up, Dr. Philanphos!!DR.
LIGHT!!This
would mean that there this no way to correct this foolish error, only
but to re-structure the internal mechanism in itself!!DR.
LIGHT!!!!Hmm?
Oh, hello, Mega Man. I was just explaining to Dr. Philanphos the
importance
of---Doc,
Dr. John Philanphos is miles away.... he was sent to prison last year
for stealing nachos, don't you remember?!? And he died last week.Wha...?...........Whe........
where am I then?You're
on BOTVGH..... remember?B-b-but....
but I..............
but..... but.. but..........
but........... Ah, yes, NOW I remember! I'm here to explain what
happened to Cranky and Zelda's marriage or some sort of crap like
that......
errr.......... right?Riiiiight.....Yes,
but of course. Why...... why I was just......... I was just testing
your strengths, that's all.Testing
my strengths by talking to a dead convenience-store convict, Dr.
Light?Er.............................
yes. AHEM!! Yes. Testing is what I was
doing to you, Mega Man....... testing.(thinks)
Poor guy's slowly losing it....Ahem.
Testing.Testing?Testing.Okaaaay....
I'll disappear now so you can do the scene right this time..........
OK?Yes,
yes..... of course.Will
you be OK by yourself, Dr. Light?Errr......
yes, Mega Man.Good.I
think.OK,
I'm disappearing, so all you readers listen up as Dr. Light explains
what exactly happened that week when Cranky had proposed to Princess
Zelda,
OK?OK?Is
anyone READING?!Well,
sheesh, go play Majora's Mask or something if you don't wanna know
what happened!!Yeah,
play Majora's Mask, play Majora's Mask! While you're at it, send
me money!! Send 5,000 rupees and a Majora's Mask strategy guide to---Get
out of here, Link!!(pulls
out his sword) I've had enough of your constant criticism--- SHUT
UP, ROBOT!!!Samus!!
Samus, Link told me to shut up! And... and.... AND HE CALLED ME
A ROBOT!! *Sniff*....... *sob*...............................Mega
Man, sweety, I really hate to break it to you..... but you "sorta"
are a robot.Really?'Fraid
so....Well....
uh...... well, Link did tell me to shut up!!Is
that so, "dear friend Link"?Uh-ohhh...........
heh......(grins)
I'm gonna have to slap your face off!!
slaps 's face off)SAMUS,
YOU SLAPPED MY FACE OFF!! NOW THERE'S BLOOD ALL OVER, AND---Listen,
that doesn't matter!!...................................It
just doesn't matter!!.........................................It.....
doesn't matter that I don't have a face anymore?No.
It doesn't, because Dr. Light is beginning the episode all over again!
So be quiet!!(whispers)
But will that make my face re-appear?Probably
not.YOU
@$#&*@$!!!!!!Shhhh!!
We're disappearing now, see?Hey,
cool!!
and everyone else vanishes)Ahem.Greetings,
dear readers of BOTVGH.I
am a man with a very white beard. I have been known all over the world
for my very, very, white beard.Unfortunately,
this beard of mine is completely irrelevant to this story,
and thus, you should probably forget about it, though I'd personally
suggest
that you keep it in your mind, because.......... well, because I find
it
rather pretty. (winks)Despite
my very white beard, something incredible happened at the end of
BOTVGH, season 6. Cranky Kong had proposed marriage to the Princess
Zelda.
It was a cliffhanger, indeed. But more than a cliffhanger..... indeed,
more. Indeed, it seemed to be more than a cliffhanger..... err....
because
it was. I think. Indeed.It
was during this cliffhanger that we discovered more about Mario's
past... Heya
there, it's-ah-me, Disco-daddy Mario!! Looka me afro, everybody!!.....something
very peculiar happened in that episode, also...... very
peculiar indeed. Quite peculiar. Molecularly peculiar.SCIENTIFICALLY
peculiar.Peculiarly
peculiar.Indeed,
we all know of the Legendary Rivalry between Princess Peach Toadstool
and Princess Zelda... do we not? Well, in this very episode, this
episode
of fate, this VERY EPISODE--Everybody that isn't in 's office: GET ON WITH
IT ALREADY!!Ahem,
yes, of course. And it was in this episode the Wicked Dragon Princess
Zelda infuriated the fair Princess Peach of Peace, and in her new-found
angst, the Mushroom Princess had hatched an Evil Diabolical Plan of the
Wickedus Diabolicus Genus to get married BEFORE the Princess Zelda
did!!
Truly Wicked and Diabolical!!Bravo!!
Bravo for Shakespeare I say!!The
scene, despite what might be read in that last episode, read along
these literaturically emphamatic lines:Royal Princess Zelda of The Kingdom of Hyrule: Thine pride... thine pride, dear "sister", O' witchcraft-consuming sister in broken friendship, thine pride is no more than a crushed and bruised lot of memories, for thou art the victim of my cunning. Princess Peach of The Kingdom of Mushroom: O what dost thou babble on about, O Princess Zelda of The Kingdom of Hyrule? Are not thine words to me much like the droppings of my Royal Pet Yoshi of The Kingdom of Mushroom; nothing more than a stench unto my "most delicate" nostrils? Royal Princess Zelda of The Kingdom of Hyrule: (laughs) Thine jesting is refreshening, do not doubt that, my dear Peach. Princess Peach of The Kingdom of Mushroom: (voice filled with bitterness and sarcasm) And I thank thee verily. Princess Zelda of The Kingdom of Hyrule: But lest thou collapseth with the burden of pride, do doubt that thine popularity in the Mushroom Kingdom will come of ruin once thine peasants and thine common-folk know that I managed to be married before THOU did!! Princess Peach of The Kingdom of Mushroom: What?! What?! What truth..... what truth can behind these-- these "words" that come out of thy mouth......... O, thou art a vile witch!! Princess Peach of The Kingdom of Mushroom: Verily I say that thou art a most vile witch and a boar at that, dear Zelda, but do not think that thou hast obtained victory over thine fellow Princess so easily! Princess Peach of The Kingdom of Mushroom: Come hither, brave Wario, for I shalt surely marry you, and in the light of our wed, the Princess Zelda... surely she shall choke, shalt she not? Brave Wario: Eh? *sniff*
That scene was simply......... beautiful. William Shakespeare always
brings me to tears.Anyway,
soon after that scene, the drama intensified, as--What?!
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!Oh,
hello friend Mario, I was simply discussing in a very intellectual
manner---Shut
up, you old quack!! You know that's not what happened, and the chances
are that the people ALREADY READ THAT SCENE, a scene which Shakespeare
DIDN'T WRITE, so GET OUT OF HERE!!!But--
but---If
people wanna know what happened, they're gonna find out the right way,
now GET OUT!!But--
but---
slaps 's face off)But--but---
re-appears)Dr.
Light, what happened to your face?!?But--but---Mario,
is there going to be a lot of gratuitous violence in this episode?You
bet, Link!! It's a good thing the people at BOTVGH don't censor things
like faces being slapped off!! *wink* *wink*
gives a Nintendo Gamecube)
Well gee, I guess I better get myself into the plastic surgery room
then......
later, guys!!Everybody: Later, Link! Gosh,
it's a good thing he didn't take it too harshly when I slapped his
face off.
thinks back to when she last punched him and he had thought she was
flirting
with him)Well,
now that I think of it.... it's not a good thing at all.Well
everybody, by the now the readers are probably very confused, so we
should probably let them in on what really happened, right?Right.Right.Right.Mr. Clean: A clean kitchen is a good kitchen. Mr. Clean: Errrr......... I mean, "Right". At
this point we should probably inform you, the readers, that you should
probably read the final
episode from season 6
over again. I HIGHLY suggest that you pause, read it, and then come
back
here. Unless you paid attention to that episode in the first place, in
which case I BEG YOU, STOP READING THIS WRITER'S EPISODES!! If you stop
reading his episodes maybe he'll stop writing those stupid Christmas
specials,
which'll probably save me from a few explosions and/or painful
accidents
in the not-so-distant future!! PLEASE!!Thank
you. I now present to you, Cranky Marries Princess Zelda, Part 2.Anonymous reader with the strange ability to contact the guy in the parentheses: Hey! I'm an anonymous reader with the strange ability to contact the guy in the parentheses, and I think this episode is just plain silly!! Anonymous reader with the strange ability to contact the guy in the parentheses: Because, that wedding episode was so long ago, nobody even cares anymore!! Anonymous reader with the strange ability to contact the guy in the parentheses: Oh yeah?! Well what if I'm SICK of episodes that are vital to the entire series?! HUH?! What if I don't want to see something big happen?! HUH?! HUH?! Anonymous reader with the strange ability to contact the guy in the parentheses: What if I don't HAVE candy?! Anonymous reader with the strange ability to contact the guy in the parentheses: Gee, thanks!
had just woken up in the middle of the forest...)Eh?!
Peach......... eh....... what's with the.... uh..... errrr...... the
white......... the white...... Dress?Yes!
The white......... uh...... dress, that uh.................. sorta
looks like a wedding dress?Do
you like it?Uh.....
eh.................... no. It scares me. You scare me. You are
in the act of scaring me, Princess.Well
guess what?What?I
DON'T CARE!!!..........
Umm......... you don't?Let's
get this clear right now, Wario---- I'm using you in a blatant attempt
to get married before that witch, Princess Zelda!!YOU........
marry.............. ME?!
thinks heavily about it)Hmm..........
I could be stinkin' rich if I marry Princess Toadstool.......
maybe even become the next king!! That is... err.... if the Mushroom
king
actually existed.... I don't anyone's even seen him..... but
nevertheless, I could
be stinkin' rich!! Heheheheheheh!!Hmmm........
but then there's Mario.... he'd always be in the way. The
dirty bum. He can always borrow a coin or two from me..... yeah.....
that'd
shut him up. Heheheheh........ lessee, I can have power, wealth, fame,
as well as power, wealth, and fame!!!But..........
then I'd have to give up my job at Santa's workshop.......
Saria........ Saria'd be so disappointed if she found out that I quit
my
job there just so I could live with some rich girl living back in
Hyrule......Hmmm..........
thinks about what he should do, while
dresses him in a tuxedo and gives him a red bow tie......)Peach,
I've, uh...... come to a decision--- marrying you would be a very
immoral thing to do as it would crush Mario's heart and ruin any chance
of peace between us, and although you are the most beautiful person on
this planet, I'm afraid I simply must be very firm with my decision,
your
majesty...... I can't marry you. It would be dumb.........................I'm
sorry.You..............
you called me "your majesty"!!Eh........
so I did....... did I?Yes,
you did! Mario never calls me that!!He
doesn't?He
doesn't!!
looks at with big, glittery,
anime eyes)Oh
Wario!!*Gulp*
Oh.... oh.... umm.......... Peach.)Look,
don't worry, Mario---- Peach running off to get married to Wario
isn't anything really personal.... she's just jealous of Zelda, that's
all!)
kisses on the cheek)Ha!
I bet Cranky wouldn't call ZELDA "your majesty"!)You
know how women are when they get into little cat fights like this.....
completely irrational!! Why, I remember the time Princess Ruto and
Malon
got into a fight over who I cared for more........ they started
shooting
each other!!Sigh.
But Link...... guns don't exist in Hyrule.OH.....
well, umm............. then it was just one of those "weird times",
I guess.Weird
times?Uh....
yeah. Weird times, when the moon is green and there's....... pigs
dancing all over.... Hyrule Field.Oh,
one of THOSE times, huh?Er......
yes.Sigh.........Hey
Mario, I know a way to cure your depression, AND make you less sad!!(sarcastic)
Gosh, a cure that can do BOTH?!Yup!!
Just sing a really sappy love song that you made up yourself!!You
know, Kirby..... that's really not such a bad idea!Whoa
boy..... laxative time.Ahem.
Hit it, maestro!!Maestro: I'M @#%$ SICK OF HITTING IT. @#$*$!!
begins to sing really badly)(chorus)
I like you.... Princess Peach!I like you......... a lot!! I like you......... Princess Peach! I like you....... you're hot!! I
met you back in '85, you've always made my days come alive,But now you've left me and gone to marry another fellow............... because your envy was the color of green Jello....  ....Puddin'
snacks!!Your
eyes were blue like really blue things, I never really heard you sing.I saved you time after time after time.............. and now I'm here rhyming this rhyme!! (chorus)
I like you.... Princess Peach!I like you......... a lot!! I like you......... Princess Peach! I like you....... you're hot!! You
left me and now I'm all alone,I'm really pathetic and don't know how to sing... and..... and........... .......WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!Tsk,
tsk, Mario........ great Italian opera singers do not cry in the middle
of their singing!! It is not professional.Oh
yeah..... well......... well......... you try..... y-you..... you try
to do better, Luigi! *sniff* WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!Ahem!
Maestro, please.....Maestro: OH, ALL RIGHT ALREADY!! Thank
you.This
oughta be really good.....You.... like opera, Samus?Sort of.Heh... you know.... I have a
bit of Italian blood in my heritage, and I
bet I could sing a love opera for you anyday, Samus.
slaps 's face
off)YOU DID IT AGAIN!!Link, this is a flashback!!Ooops, sorry. Heh.YOU DID IT FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN THIS EPISODE!!Shh, he's about to start!!
rolls up his sleeves)(
drinks a glass of water)Oh brother.....Ahem!
(
ahems)(
begins to sing)Princess Peach, oh Princess
Peach...... there was a day when eachOf us saw you and thought There's a girl who's great, who does not hesitate In doing what is best for her kingdom Mario liked you more than me,
so all I can really seeIs the fact of his love for you; can lost dreams ever come true? *sniff*OH WHY, PEACH, OH WHY PEACH?!
There was a day when eachOf us saw you and thought There's a girl who's great, who does not hesitate In doing what is best for her kingdom!! OH WHY, PEACH, OH WHY PEACH?!See my brother's broken heart, for rivalry did you just part With Mario and his love for you Well, I'll see you later,
guys.... I'm going make myself a baloney and
wood sandwich....You don't like Luigi's great
Italian singing, Cranky?Singing? I thought he was
trying to cough out his intestines. In that case,
maybe I'll eat the baloney and wood sandwich later. This is pretty
doggone
good singing.You think so?Not really. When you're my age,
you'll listen to anything while you're
taking your laxatives.OH WHY, PEACH, OH WHY PEACH?!You left because you were mad at the Princess of Hyrule. You left to marry Wario, but Wario's a fool....... Oh why did you have to be so hasty because of jealousy? When you........... oh YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU.......... Could have married Mario instead; your hero forever; your destin-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! *sniff*Rivadici arbego loba valici
morinci vetania horo de mezzo de gracé!!
De prega orgela manatellicci fezzo!!Fezzziiiiiiiiiiibarooooooooo!! Fezibaro donnatri! Mama-mia Peach desto degracé messateré dicci! Spevani doréko anjolé Mario mabestili parmesan!! Aria mezzo de caraterre celese varicè prestalon!! Prego Ravioli Ragu..............Prego Ravioli Raguuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu............................................................... de la PE-E-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACH!!!!!!! (
bows)..........................................................................................WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!I know, Mario. I know how you
must feel. It's a very confusing time for
all of us.
(
pats 's
shoulder)No, it's not that!!!! *sniff*Then....?Where'd you learn to.....
*sniff*....... SING LIKE THAT?!It's simple, Mario. I'm more
Italian than you........................WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!Errrr....... I mean..... not
that that is such a good thing!! I mean.....
being too Italian, it's uhhh... it's bad for you, because Italian food
has been proven to umm....... cause stomach decay!*Sniff*....... that's not true,
Luigi....... you're lying to me.You're right, I am.WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!.............................................
(
stares at )AND YOU KNOW WHAT?!WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!YOU'RE A BIG BABY!!WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!Yeah, that's right, you're a
big fat baby!! Peach never said she LIKED
Wario, she's just marrying him so she can ruin Zelda's plans!!......*sniff*..............
really? Then you think I'm just being silly?Of course, there was that time
when she winked at him during last year's
tennis tournament........WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!Hey, Jumpman.......*Sniff*............. Yeah,
Crank?Jumpman..... I, ehhh..... I
don't know how to say this, but ummm......I sorta........ I
sorta............ I'd sorta like for you to umm.....
uh.......... I'd sorta like it if....... uhh......... if uh...............if you'd be my best man
at my wedding!! There, I said it!!............*sniff*..............................R-r-r-really,
Cranky? You want me to be...... your best
man.....? Even...... even after all these years of senseless violence
precariously
labeled as "humor" and then fed to the willing masses of young minds
across
America?Aw......... heck, even after
all these years of senseless violence precariously
labeled as "humor" and then fed to the willing masses of young minds
across
America!!........Gosh, Cranky.......
that's....... that's so nice of you........
I love you, man!!Say..... I wanna seal this
permanent truce between us, Jumpman.... I mean,
Mario. So here, wanna bite of my baloney and wood sandwich?*sniff* Sure, Cranky!!WELL TOO BAD, YA CAN'T HAVE
ONE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAH!!
(
throws a TNT barrel at 's head)AUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!
MY HEAD'S BEEN BLOWN OFF!!
(
interrupts the story)Ahem. Violent, Link?Quite.
(The story resumes) YOU BLEW MY HEAD OFF!!
(
drags a 54-inch screen TV into the scene of the violent head murder)Why the big-screen TV, Shroomy
One?What big screen TV?! I can't
see a big screen TV!!When'd you go blind, Mario?I didn't go blind... MY HEAD
WAS BLOWN OFF MY NECK!!Oh yeah.Which brings me to why I
brought this TV here....... well..... it's sorta
like this, see.......
(
takes out the 2001 revised version of The Official BOTVGH Rule and Code
Book With New Recipes for Plot Twists and Ultimate Disaster, and turns
to page 54)That ultimate disaster part
came to no surprise to the readers, I bet.
Ah, here we go.......Ahem, page 54 paragraph 2....."In the situation wherein a
deed of great violence followed by many exclamations
of fury and the reading of many long words from a handbook that Toad
will
be holding in an episode by Matt Broussard, in such a situation as, for
example, Mario's head being blown away, the innocent and impressionable
readers must be quickly subdued with an advertisement."Eh........No el comprendo.............
señor?................................................................................................................What?! I thought he was
speaking Spanish!!!!Sigh............. put it in
plain english for him, Toad.... I would, but
my head is being washed away by the tide here.............Oh yeah. Well, to put things in
in layman's terms, we're gonna have a little
commercial break from our sponsors so the audience won't be exposed to
excessive gore that results when someone's head is.... err..... blown
off
their body by an explosive.
( 's
head starts drifting away)We have "sponsors"?Umm......... Yeah.Gee...... Kremling Island is
just over that way..... I've always wanted
to visit that place, but never like this..... sigh.Wait a minute---- if we're
SPONSORED for being hopelessly stuck on an island,
how come I never get any money then?!?!Uh.....I WANT MONEY!!Hmm..... y'know, this water
could use a little more salt....I'LL SUE!!!Why hello, Mr. Shark!!I'LL SUE ON GROUNDS OF BAD
SPONSORSHIP!!!Uhh.....Hungry, you say?Shhh!! The commercial's about
to start!!No, I can't say that I'd really
taste good with plain parmesan cheese,
but a bit of marinara sauce might just do the trick!!I'LL TAKE IT TO THE SUPREME
COURT!!Be quiet, Link!!!NO!!!YES!!!NO!!!YES!!!NO!!!YES!!!NO!!!NO!!!I DEMAND A RE-COUNT!!!!.......................................What's that you say? It's
almost dinnertime?...........................Umm.......... heh.
(
quietly sulks into background)While Mario tries to get his
head back on and excessive gore floods the
scene, we at BOTVGH want you to enjoy the following word from our
sponsors
at..... you wouldn't believe it if we told you.......... SEGA!!HURRY UP AND EAT ME!!!
(
appears on the TV screen)Hi. I'm Sonic the Hedgehog, and
I'm here to remind you that Sega's products
are always of the highest quality.In fact, Sega's products are
among.......... among..................they're among..........Aw heck with it, this isn't
about Sega, and this isn't about our products.This is about
ME......................... and you guys on BOTVGH island.Quite frankly, I got one @#$%
of a bone to pick with you guys. You're all
@$#& LOSERS, WITH NO MONEY YOU $@#*% @^!#%$!! @#$$#!!Heh. But that ain't all I got
to say. I'm sick of you Nintendo-heads reading
this whole thing!! It's ridiculous........ how much faith are you gonna
put in this new Gamecube when it comes out, huh? TELL ME!! I'll tell
you
something about Gamecube....... that thing you saw at Space
World..........
IT WASN'T A REAL GAMECUBE.Oh no it wasn't......... last
night I snuck into Nintendo HQ myself and
took a look at Nintendo's great and mighty "128-bit" console, and found
out a deep, dark secret......It's actually a Dreamcast
painted purple!!There's evidence, see?
(
points to a television screen)Now, as much as this may LOOK
like a picture of Metroid Gamecube scribbled
with crayons onto a TV screen, it ISN'T!!! It's genuine!!Why, just look at the genuine,
state-of-the-art 3D graphics!! How can this
be beat?
(
touches the TV screen and some crayon color comes off on his glove)..............Errrrr...........................But what if I'm lying, you say?
Huh? WHAT if I'M lying?What if I'm lying, huh?Just WHAT IF
I'm................. lying.................
Well................................(whispers to a man who looks
strangely like  )
What IF I'm lying?Mysterious man who looks like :
Ah, but tell
them that you're absolutely not!!Yeah, that'll do the trick....
those @$%& NINTENDidiots'll believe
ANYTHING!!Ahem!! Well what if I'm lying,
you may say?Well I'm not.So there.What'cha gonna do about it,
Nintendo fans, HUH?!Huh, huh, huh?! You gonna whine
about it to Schmintendo Flower Magazine?
HEHEHEHEHEHEH!!.........Schmintendo Flower
Magazine....... I crack myself up!!Say, is Mario there?His head is drowning in the
ocean, apparently.Oh really? Well next time you
see him, tell him that I wish his head would
drown in the ocean and that he'd die!! HEHEHEH!!Yes. Of course I will.Lemme seeeeeeee........... what
else can I say before the commercial time
runs out........?Oh yeah........ YOU'RE ALL
REALLY STUPID!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!DREAMCAST RULES!!!
HEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!Got anything you wanna say,
Knux?Uh.... yeah Sonic, I
do.................................. I..... sorta
like playing Nintendo.WHAAAAAAT?!?!A lot.WHAAAAAAT?!?!Samus Aran is totally hot.WHAAAAAAT?!?!
(
blushes)Can I have your number?Sure, baby!!But......?!
BUT..................WHAAAAAAT?!?!...........................................What are you waiting for?! Give
me--- I mean, err....... give HIM the number!!
(
slaps 's head
off so he won't be able to
hear the number)(whispers) It's 555 378 3973!!Got it!!Knuckles, we're supposed to be
endorsing SEGA here, not NINTENDO!!You're just jealous cuz you're
not Samus Aran's new boyfriend, that's all!But........ but........ Samus!!...... But...................
KNUX.....?! WHY?!?!AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!Mysterious guy that looks like :
There's only
1 minute of commercial time left, Sonic!!!Oh, umm............ Sega rules
and the next Mario game'll suck and I hate
you all especially Mario and Shigeru Miyamoto is a really, really old
man,
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
SAMBA DE AMIGO!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! SONIC ADVENTURE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
SONIC SHUFFLE!!!!!!! HEHEHEHEHEH!!!!! SONIC ADVENTURE 2!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!How's Tuesday sound?HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!Sure, baby!!WHY ARE YOU CALLING HIM BABY
HE'S A SEGA CHARACTER AND YOU NEVER CALLED
ME BABY AND I DON'T HAVE A BODY NOW
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!Nice to see you out here in
ocean, Link!! I was just talking to Mr. Shark
here, and he said he'd love to have more people at this dinner party
we're
about to have, see---?
(The commercial ends) Somebody hurry up and take care
of the head situation here while I hurry
up and get another commercial ready!!!Yes sir!!THE SHARK'S GETTING CLOSER,
AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!Link, stop yelling!! Mr. Shark
is very sensitive, and---I'M GONNA DIE I'M GONNA DIE I'M
GONNA DIE I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!--I'm afraid you're just not
being a veery good dinner guest.AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!Lemme see, how do I get a
couple of heads back onto their bodies without
being messy?Kirby........Yes?Kirby........... when I'm
gone.... *gasp*....... when I'm gone..... go
to Lon Lon Ranch...... go there.......... tell Malon that I loved
her...........
and that even though........ even though I spent all my days flirting
with
Samus Aran here on this island.............. I uhhh.......... I really
did love her.Silly Link, you're not gonna
die!!..........................You're BOTH not gonna die!!I'm not?He's not?
(
violently throws his celebratory baloney and wood sandwich into the
garbage)They're not?!Nope!!DANGIT!! That woulda been 2
LESS hooligans on my island!!Hooligans?Yes, HOOLIGANS!! You're all
64-bit HOOLIGANS!!!
(
marches inside his cabin and slams the door)What's up with him?Oh, Cranky always gets upset
like that whenever he doesn't get to eat his
"Baloney and Wood Sandwich of Celebration". And who could blame him?
(Everyone on the island stares at )Ermm................ you were
saying, Kirby?You're both not gonna die cause
Toad's gonna play a magical commercial
and when it's over, you both won't be bloody heads anymore!! You'll be
neat n' clean, and as G-rated as pretty happy good-good special
sponges!!!!Oh no, not the sponges again,
Kirby....SPONGES!! YAAAAAAAAAY!!!Wait a minute.............. if
Toad's going through so much effort to censor
this part of the episode with a commercial break designed to occupy the
minds of the young and impressionable minds of the readers
thennnnnn............................................
what's stopping them from noticing all the blood we're drenched in
right
now?That's easy!! Your bodies are
all blurred out!!You mean like on the TV show
COPS when they don't want you to see the face
of the criminal, and it's all pixelated and stuff?Exactly!!AWESOME!! That means I get to
curse a lot because those dudes ALWAYS curse
in front of the camera!! @#$%!!!@$%&#?!? @$%&*$!!!!Sigh........... I guess this
means our dinner is off, Mr. Shark.@$&%$@*$#@$^%!!!!@%$#*$@$#$#!!!!
(
walks out of his cabin)@$#&%?!Hmmm.......$@%&#!!!@$%#!!
(
walks back into his cabin)Is the writer running out of
good ideas?Yes.COMMERCIAL TIME!!!
(
appears on the TV screen)(
is standing next to a TV screen where Majora's Mask is being played)Hey!!Watch out!!Look!!Hey-watchout-look!!Watchout!! Look!!Hey!!Hey!!
Hey!!Watchout!!Look!!Look-watchout-hey-hey-look!!Hey!!Hey!! Watchout!!Look!!N64 Commercial Voice: Behold... the torture that results when no one presses the top C button to listen to Navi the fairy. Hey!!Look!!N64 Commercial Voice: The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, only on N64. Rated E for Everyone. Watchout!!
(The commercial ends, and and are
now back to normal)Gosh, it's great to have my
head back!!You said it, Link......... say,
why don't we tell the readers about the
exciting and adventurous process that magically brought us back to this
wonderful state of well-being?
(They glance at each other) and : NAAH!!!
(Meanwhile with
and )( ,
in her wedding dress, is dragging up a hill)We're almost at Funky's house,
Wario dear, PLEASE stop squirming already!!But Peach, I don't wanna get
married to you, you're not even that pretty--WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!--when you're....... umm......
angry liike that.Well I'm going to have to get
married to SOMEONE within the next THREE
DAYS, WARIO............. and guess who that someone's going to BE?!(sarcastic) Who's that
oh-so-unlucky person gonna be, eh, Peach?I DIDN'T SAY THAT THE SOMEONE
WOULD BE "UNLUCKY"!!!You didn't. I'm....... sorry.
Lemme guess........ am I gonna marry you,
Peach?Yes, YOU..............
honey-poo. Tee-hee!!"Honey-poo?"Yes. Tee-hee!!
(
looks at his blushing bride)I'm such a blushing bride!!Hmmm.......(thinking) How the heck am I
gonna get out of this one?!? Mario's gonna
KILL me if he finds out I married Peach!!
(
thinks back to his childhood days when he and
would play innocent games and would always
play the role of the good guy and 'd get stuck
with role of the rotten criminal)(thinking) No..... I'M gonna
kill MARIO. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!
(
also remembers what the psychiatrist told him about thinking evil
thoughts
and then laughing out loud about it in his head)Psychiatrist: Wario, you have der baloney in yer volkswagen. How der heck did you get der baloney in yer volkswagen?! (Wrong memory) Psychiatrist: Wario, you are der looney cuckoo. To stop BEING der looney cuckoo you moost stop thinking der evil thoughts and laughing out loud about dem. Psychiatrist: I am der king of sausages. ALL HAIL DER KING OF SAUSAGES!! Peach, I'm afraid I......
uh...........Shhh!! This is the place......
I think. I swear, Funky has so many businesses,
it's impossible to tell exactly where to find the guy.......
(
knocks on the door of 's hut)Muffled voice from inside the hut: I DON'T HAVE THE PLANS!! JUST LEAVE ME IN PEACE!! ?????
(
knocks on the door again)Muffled voice from inside the hut: I'M NOT EVEN SELLING THE UNDERGROUND CANADIAN GOVERNMENT'S WEAPONRY ANYMORE!!! Eh? |