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The Triforce is Missing! By H Cuz and Klawkat |
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The Triforce is Missing! By H Cuz and Klawkat |
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Mario, Luigi, Wario, Toad, Yoshi, Peach, Kamek, Goomba, Cranky, DK Middle Row: Mega Man, Mega Man X, Zero, Magma Dragoon, Sigma, Sonic, Sephiroth, Link, Zelda, Samus Bottom Row: Bob, Ash, Capt. Falcon, Martin's Station Wagon, Red Virus, Cow King, H Cuz, Klawkat, Waldo, Satan Not Pictured: The Energizer Bunny, Druid |
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Hi, Samus!
blasts him)
*cough* What did I do?!
Nothing, that was a precaution.
I am Ash!
falls on )
Hee hee!
Hey, a bean burrito!
Hands off Jumpman, I saw it first!
Mmmm, a bean burrito.
takes it and walks off)
& : H.... hey!
(singing) Who let the dogs out?! WHO! WHO! WHO!
Stop... the horror...
is frantically beating , but
to no avail.)
(*sigh* Yes, another typical day at BOTVGH.)
And it's all made possible by the Triforce!
Crowd: Ooooooooooh.
Yes, the same Triforce from "Legend of Zelda" fame. Without it, BOTVGH
would fall into chaos.
Can we say "foreshadowing", everyone?
Crowd: Foreshadowing!
(Mr. Rogers voice) I knew you could!
What do you think you're--
Outta here... (runs off)
...........Well, anyway. On with the episode.
Oh hi everyone. I was just giving X the castle tour.
Not bad. So uh, this is the royal bathroom?
(thwaps ) It's the KITCHEN,
you dolt!!
Owww...
Cloaked figure #2: Then we attack. Cloaked figure #3: I'm amazed. For once, you numskulls actually comprehend the plan. Guard: Stop! You're under arrest, you can't be on castle grounds without special permission! Cloaked figures: Try and stop us!! )
Ha ha ha!
)
He he he!
)
I know, I know, big surprise.
fires missiles, fights
them off with his sword, and
makes like a buzzsaw and attacks. Oddly, the fight is silent, so
and don't hear a thing. Before
long, the guards have fallen.)
You never had a chance!
For we are...
The TERRIBLE TRIO!!
All: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Soooo... anything gonna happen in this episode?
I could break the third wall, and find out.
Hey, isn't that "fourth wall?"
Sorry, my mind is hazy.
Hey, why don't we have some fun? This is our final episode this season,
and why don't we just party around or something, and we can walk
off-camera
and we can get high and...
Link... shut up before I set you on fire again.
Actually, I think that's a good idea. Let's just have a party.
(runs in with a giant punch bowl over his head) I got the punch! Let's
party.
(walks over to the punch, and takes a drink) Hmmmm... needs more gravy.
Everything you eat needs more gravy.
I know, I have delicate tastes, having been raised under a castle roof.
Sigh...
is still holding)
Ummm... can someone please take this thing to the table for me please?
I can barely hold it anymore.
????: I can be evil, yes I can! All: Bob?
runs out and pushes , and the
punch spills on everyone.)
Yes! (Looks at everyone.) Oh boy...
OK, we gotta get past the Ninten-dorks and grab that gleaming treasure.
I'm not a Ninten-dork, right?
Nah, you're a Cap-Commie.
And me?
You're a Square.
And I guess you're a Smegga.
Yep... once we get that Hyrule jewel, we can come up with more of these
insults. But we gotta get past them first. We better not make a ruckus
in there...
runs out in a haste, with everyone chasing him.)
What company is Bubble Bobble made by?
Taito.
Oh boy... I'll think of one later...
Yeah, Taito is gonna be dufficult...
OK, let's just get that Hylian legend now...
(appears out of nowhere) Come on, everybody knows that you're after the
Triforce.
Who said that?
disappears)
Hmmm... Let's get this show over with.
And here, we have the Triforce...
Oooh... shiny.
If it were to fall into the wrong hands... *DRAMATIC PAUSE*
.......
...........
................Yes?
...........Very bad things would happen.
Oh.
EEK! It's the bad guys!
How can you be so sure?
It's pretty obvious...
You saved us!
Middle Druid: Yep yep! !)
EEK!
I knew the first 3 weren't the bad guys!!
Yeah, sure...
and )
Grrr... Taste my wrath! (Fires a crossbow at )
OW! My toe-- YAAAH!! (Gets pelted by plasma bullets from )
You! You're mine!!
shoots about a dozen fireballs at .
tries to hover over them, but he can't stay airborne long enough and
some
of the fireballs hit him)
Aaagh!
tries to aim at , but
knocks away her crossbow)
We'll have none of that, miss! Now, let's get what we came for!
Right! (Gets up, but is levelled by a charged blast from )
ARGH!
Grrr! Take this! (Dashes into ,
knocking him into the wall)
Sephiroth, take the Triforce, but be careful... there's probably some
plot
device protecting it.
OK. (walks up the Triforce and puts his hand on it.)
shrugs and takes it.)
They don't make protective plot devices like they used to...
OK, our work here is done!! Let's go!
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo(gasp)ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
(comes out of a daze) I guess the castle tour is over now, huh?
.....................
Is it just me, or did the sky just turn dark all of a sudden?
It's not you.
This can only mean one thing!!!
All: WHAT?!
It's gonna rain! (puts up his umbrella)
But there's not a cloud in the sky!!
What, like it's the result of the Triforce falling into the wrong
hands,
bringing evil and darkness and destruction all across the land?! BAH!
Gimme
a break. If I say it's gonna rain, then it's gonna rain!!
But I feel a disturbance in the force... as though a million robots
cried
out at once and were suddenly silenced!
I wanna be a Jedi like my father, and like his father before him.
Donkey Kong.... I AM YOUR FATHER!!!
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo----- Wait a minute, I already
knew
that!!
Have we beaten this stupid gag to death yet?
I think so.
OK.
At least I have enough sense to carry an umbrella in this weather!! You
whippersnappers are probably soaking wet by now!
IT'S NOT RAINING!!
BAH!!
's
umbrella, frying it)
Ack!
Well, I'm going to get to the bottom of this! I'm gonna go to Hyrule
Castle
and see if everything's all right!
Why Hyrule Castle?
Because the author is inside my head telling me to! GET OUT, @#$^%!!!
Hee hee!
I'll go with you!
I might as well go check up on Zeldy... besides, when it does rain, I
want
to be indoors when it happens! Not standing out here with a toasted
umbrella!!
I wanna come tooooooooo!!
Fine... let's go!
, , ,
and set off toward Hyrule
Castle)
(Elsewhere, with
and Company.)
Success! I will finally do something monumental with my evil ego.
And I'm still gonna be evil...
We're gonna miss ya being on our team, Sonic. We'll live up to this
moment,
as the invincible trio!
Yeah... and... well... it's all good and all... but when I turn good...
I'll be you guys' enemy.
Eh, so this is true... we need a new villain... someone to replace you,
Sonic... preferably, someone whose name starts with S.
Yep... oh well... let's cause some destruction.
appears over )
Kids, when you grow up, don't you wanna be just like me?
tries to smack his head, but
disappears and hurts
himself)
OK... I got an idea... we've got to make it so I can stay evil! Then we
don't have to break up.
But how?
Listen. We got the Triforce. What we can do is control the writer, and
make him our slave.
Great... but how?
The sky is dark... ha ha ha! I'm not scared of anything dark! I am Bob!
HAHAHAH! (hears a twig snap) AHHH!
hides in a bush, and , ,
and pass by)
If it wasn't for that dang bubble dino, we wouldn't be so far away from
the castle.
Well, if it wasn't for Link telling us to go straight forward when
chasing
him, in this very forest, we coulda found him and blown him sky high.
Ah, sure. Blame it all on the Hylian blonde.
Well, you are the reason for many of our screw-ups.
What? I never screw up!
Name one thing you've done RIGHT!
... Errr.... that's not important. We gotta save the Triforce...
There's the castle!
Ack! The red's hurting my eyes!
Oh good heavens. They changed the paint job?
And they did get a very good painter, too.
Why, that's Dutchboy Paint!
(After five seconds of cheesy smiles and an ad jingle, the four approach the castle.)
(right behind them) Hee hee. I'm going in there... errr... later...
, ,
and approach the front
door, but a druid is blocking the path)
The Pass of Time?
Druid: It's a plot device of some sort. Here, four good Video Game Heroes shall enter the castle, and attempt to grab back the Triforce.
The Pass of Time? (Takes off his hat, and starts to scratch his head,
but
a gold ribbon falls out of the hat.)
Wow... what does that ribbon support?
Druid: That, my friend, is the Pass of Time.
I don't remember grabbing such a thing.
Druid: The Pass chooses whomever is deemed worthy of this expedition...
Well, I must have one... (checks his hat, and doesn't find one) Errr...
I bet it's on my person. (checks his pockets and doesn't find one)
Errr....
Excuse me for a bit.... (runs behinds a tree, starts to undress)
(checks his vest) Nope. Not one for me... like I really cared.
(looks on his body) Nope... only Link has one.
Geez... who are the other three?
Druid: Whoever has a Pass of Time, my magic shall teleport them to this point. , ...
and ?)
Well... one second, I find this ribbon tied to my wrist, next minute,
I'm
here.
In my storage unit, I found this ribbon, and here I am...
I was right next to Xena, and she had that ribbon. So she gave it to me.
(still behind the tree) La la la... hey... still no ribbon...
Druid: Link, Samus, Zero and Toad. You four are chosen to enter the castle. Enter now, and save the Triforce. , ,
and walk through.)
Don't forget to save Zeldy!
Hey! I found a ribbon! See? (Holds out some toilet paper with gold
crayon
scribbles on it)
Too late...
Aww, nuts.
(sees an open window) Ha ha ha! (Blows himself inside a bubble and
floats
inside) Ye he he he... I will be known as evil! Ha ha ha!
Well... we came all the way here only to not be let in... now what?
I'm gonna look around the sides for an entrance.
Sounds good to me. Cranky?
I'd rather stay here.
Too bad. You're coming with us. (grabs
by the wrist and drags him along)
HEY!!
So, Link, where is the Triforce usually kept?
Follow me.
runs ahead and the others follow him, but a hologram of , ,
and appears)
It's you!!
What happen?!
All your Triforce are belong to us!
What you say!
You are on the way to destruction.
You have no chance to survive make your time.
All 3: Ha ha ha ha ha.
For great justice! Take off every 'zig'!
Someone set us up the bomb!
It's dark in here... and scary... I wanna go home...
Oof!
Hey, watch it, Jumpman!
What luck! We found an open window in the back!
(thinks) I don't wanna help them... I wanna be evil! But I'm too scared
to go through this scary castle by myself!
timidly walks up to , ,
and , who are in a heap after
falling in through the window)
I wanna help you guys!
You?
Yeah!! (sad puppy-dog eyes) PWEEEEEEEEEZE?
Bah, he's using the oldest trick in the book. Don't fall for it,
Jumpman!
Who knows what kind of evil lurks behind that innocent-looking face?!
(stares wide-eyed at )
Ummm... uhhh.... YAAAHHH!! OK! Come with us! Just stop giving me that
look!
I'm gonna cry...
Yay! Thanks, fat plumber boy!
...If I don't kill you first.
Nobody ever listens to the monkey! Sure, ignore the monkey! Well, see
if
I care!! And don't come running to me when the little munchkin turns
evil
and tries to send us all to untimely doom!! BAH!!
Right.
Let's go!
So... what were we doing?
To the basement!!
Oh yeah! To the basement!!
Captain Falcon, I shall destroy you.
No. I shall destroy you.
You can't do that! I called it first!
But I call swap backs, and now I call no swap backs!
Grrrr.... I'll destroy you anyway!
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!
Fox Announcer: That's an all new Falcon and the Wagon! And Fox has some shocking, distrubing actions caught on tape.
What?
Fox Announcer: It's shocking. You just won't believe what you'll find!
Oh, great. I dropped my walking cane.
Fox Announcer: Where's Waldo, Caught on Tape. New on Fox! (In the basement)
All right. The room with the Triforce is just ahead.
Right. Let's go...
No... wait... it's just ahead, and we take a right.
OK... to the Trifo...
Or maybe it's to the right, then the left, take the Serpent Trench to
Mysidia...
Link? Do you actually know where the Triforce is?
Of course I do! It's down the chutes and up a couple ladders. After we
pass go, we purchase Baltic Avenue, and then we should see Spot run...
Ummm... if I must.
blasts )
Where is the Triforce?
OK, I got it!
This better be good.
It's just ahead! Let's go!
,
and walk ahead, but
stops for a bit)
(to the readers) And you wonder why I'm on this team.
runs back to the group, and they press onwards)
(Elsewhere)
OK, we have to find the Triforce.
But how?
Yeah, how, big butt?
Grrrr... (clears throat) Well... we could always go through this door.
Bah. Knowing how this episode is leading us, this is gonna be some
sorta
trap.
opens the door, and they all walk inside.)
Weird... this is new.
Voice: It's time for the show where you risk your life! Welcome to the... Crowd: SATAN'S GAME! Voice: Now here's our host, the guy that will take thy soul and enslave it, and never share his ice cream... SATAN!
Bwa ha ha ha! Welcome mortals to my little game!
Since when was there a game show in Hyrule Castle?
Guhh... foolish mortal! Your questions are soo contrived! We are gonna
play the game now.
, ,
and magically teleport
to the podiums)
Our first contestant is a plumber, whose hobbies involve gluttony and
pride.
Give it up for Mario!
Crowd: BOOOO!
My first question is for you, Mario. What is the square root of
5483256498008?
Um...
Sorry, time's up! The correct answer is
2341635.43234381384779590450013408.
...Wha?
Ha ha! Jumpman couldn't even do simple math.
You old coot! Like you could do any better.
Our next contestant is Cranky Kong. Sooner or later, his soul will be
mine,
but right now, this question is for you, Cranky.
Bring it on.
What was I doing July 15, 1429, at 4:45 in the morning?
You were having a bath.
......He's right.... give that monkey a point.
See, Jumpman! I'll beat you in this ga-- OUCH!
on the butt)
You sure did, Cranky! Ha ha ha ha...
This should be the place.
(looks at the sign on the door
is pointing to) This is the men's room.
That's where I'd hide the most powerful artifact in the universe.
Seriously?
If you were a villain, would you think to look there?
Point taken.
OK, that's not it... this must be it over here.
(reads that sign) "Herein lies the Triforce of Power. It grants wishes.
Evil people not permitted." (slaps that last line) Why those dirty
villains!
It clearly states that evil people are not allowed!! What were they
thinking?!
BAD evil people! BAD!!
Calm down.
I'm calm. But people need to learn to follow the rules!
Yes indeed...
Hey... I just remembered. This door is sealed with a special key that
only
Princess Zelda has. How are we supposed to get in?
Well, the villains seem to have broken down the door when they stole
the
Triforce, so that's not a problem...
*cough* I knew that.
and are lying dazed on the
ground)
X!
Princess!
and wake up)
Wha?
Eh?
I hate to break up your reunion, but we have to go find Sigma and Sonic
and Sephiroth before the unthinkable happens!
and join the team! A cheery
fanfare plays!)
What the heck? When did this become Final Fantasy?
Never mind that, let's get a move on!
Yeah... just one problem...
What's that?
We don't know where the bad guys are.
D'oh!
...
Well... we should get out of here because the air conditioning in this
room is broken and I'm getting really hot and uncomfortable.
Good enough for me.
Got any sixes?
Go fish.
sighs and takes out his fishing rod.)
(Not far away,
appears with a large bowl of dip.)
Here's my special, secret-formula, homemade dip... hey, where'd all the
chips go?
(holding an empty bag of chips and has his mouth full) Um, don't look
at
me.
You fiend! You ate the chips!! And what's worse... you didn't use my
special
dip!!! HOW COULD YOU COMMIT SUCH AN ATROCITY TO HUMANKIND?!?!?!
I wouldn't talk, Mr. Evil Magikoopa Who Kidnaps Babies.
But you ate chips... without dip!!
All: GASP!!
Shame on you, Yoshi! Do you have any idea what this means?!
Oh, it's too horrid...
........What does it mean?
....
......
..........
Um.... I'll get back to you on that.
Fair enough.
So, got any queens?
Go fish.
takes out his fishing rod and hooks )
Eeeeeeeeeeek!
No, she's a princess. She doesn't count.
Aw, man... I guess I'll just have to throw her back, huh?
Yeah.
GAH!
snips the string with a pair of scissors, and
goes crashing down)
........Hmph. (stands up) You're going to hear from my lawyers. (She
stomps
off)
Anyway... Got any kings?
...HEY!!
...What did I do?!
And welcome back! Cranky leads by 10 points!
Oh, this is great. I'm winning this game by a huge margin, and what do
I have to show for it?!
A really sore butt?
EXACTLY!!
And I don't see what's so funny.
You wouldn't. You can't see anything... hence those glasses.
WHY I OUGHTTA...
gets off of his platform and marches angrily toward ,
but he trips over something.)
Ooooof!
Hahaha!
Hey, what the...
and the whole game studio fade away into thin air, leaving only the
castle
halls visible. walks over
to the now-crackling object
tripped over.)
Well, knock me down with a feather... it's a holographic projector.
tries to knock down with
a feather)
...It's a figure of speech.
Eh... sorry.
So does this mean the whole game show thing was fake?
It would appear so.
WHAT?! Then why is my butt still sore?
, ,
and snicker again)
SHUT UP! (whacks with his
cane)
Ouch!
Well, we should start looking for the Triforce again.
Yes, let's.
(We interrupt this episode to bring you the following)
GWAH!!!
Ummm...
Yeah.
Cereal.
Cool.
Cereal's cool.
Wait! Do you hear something? It sounds like ticking.
No, I don't hear any ticking.
's
head blows up)
See, it was a figment of his imagination!
Ummm.
(scared, grabs onto ) Hold
me.
Zero's head exploded.
Yeah.
I wonder why Zero's head exploded anyway?
It's hard for me to grasp.
It sounds like ticking.
You can hear it too?
Oh no.
(In the other world)
Where am I?
All I can remember is that my eyes were bleeding, and... wait, do I
bleed?
I think so.
Well... I think this is the afterlife.
We're dead?
I do believe so.
Well... why?
'Cause our heads exploded.
All: Oooohhh. , ,
and appear)
Yes! The Triforce's magic actually works! You guys are all dead!
Yep!
I like that. It's fun!
I am SO in a mind-rot right now.
Hey, I think I have a way to get us back and fighting again.
What's that?
1-ups for everybody!!!!
Me MAD!
Hey! Where did they get those 1-ups from?!
I don't know... let's ask the Triforce!
...Well?
Its glow keeps fading.
Yeah. Almost like...
Like it's running out of batteries.
smacks himself on the head)
What are we talking about?! This is the freakin' Triforce! A magical
artifact
with untold power! It must be losing its magical energy... somehow...
Maybe because we're evil and it doesn't serve evil?
No, that can't be it. It worked for Ganon, didn't it?
Well, there's a little slot here in the top. Let me try something...
puts a quarter in the Triforce, and music plays)
Ummm... lovely. It's a music box.
(starts shaking the Triforce) I WANT MY QUARTER BACK!
...The heck...
I still think it's a dead battery.
I could try to charge it with magic energy...
takes out a small Fire materia and jams it into the Triforce. The
Triforce
responds by charring
black... but it remains unlit and devoid of magical energy.)
*cough* Ouch.
Come on, people, THINK!
Well, we have to find out where the villains are so we can defeat them
and take back the Triforce.
Why don't we ask the author?
The author?
Hey, yeah! The author knows how the episode will end! We should ask him!
OK... now we have to find HIM. Where is he?
Hi. I'm still inside Mario's head. There's lots of great stuff in here,
but it's mostly empty space.
I heard that.
Hey, I just got a great idea for a TV show.
Yeah?
"There's A Little Yellow-Hatted Guy In My Head".
Yeah, yeah, very funny. Now let's find the villains.
Brilliant.
Hey, it'll be easy. I have the author in my head. He'll tell me where
to
go.
It's almost like someone's sitting there with a controller in his
hands,
sitting in front of a TV screen, guiding you around, huh?
Will you keep your wisecracks to yourself?
Nah. This is much more fun.
Hey hey hey. Making fun of Jumpman here is my job.
Well, Mario, to find Sephiroth and Sigma and Sonic, you'll have to
cross
a river of lava using a rickety old boat, pass over fragile bridges
that
could snap at any moment, scale the peaks of Mt. Horror...
......
Swim through Hundred Sharks' Lake, navigate through the Forest
Labyrinth
and the Swamp of Evil, go through the ghost town where evil spirits
will
try to suck out your souls...
......
And along the way you'll have to collect coins, find hidden bonus
rooms,
collect 1-ups and power-ups, uncover secrets, find a lost puppy, and...
......
Of course, you'll probably want a players' guide to help you through
all
the pitfalls and such...
......
.........
What's he saying, Mario?
..............
Oh yeah, you can also use the warp pipe in the next room. That leads
right
to the villains' inner sanctum.
......................
........ Ummm... I'll use the warp pipe.
OK. My work here is done.
exits 's head via his ear
and teleports away)
( , , ,
and go into the next room
where they find a warp pipe.)
Pass of Time, my butt. We're going to save the day!
Um... OK. So you going in or what?
Don't rush me! I'm a professional! I need a few minutes to emotionally
prepare for the intense battle that surely awaits us on the other end
of
this warp pipe. Some of us... maybe even all of us... won't make it
back
alive. The finality of the moment is just so... so...
stops and looks around. The others are gone)
HEY!! Wait for me! (jumps into the warp pipe)
and his companions
have found a river of lava)
Something tells me this is the way to the villains.
I don't know, all I see beyond this is a rickety old bridge, a huge
mountain,
a lake, a forest...
Well heck, nobody ever said this was gonna be EASY.
s
attacks)
SEE! They have sent their evil minions after us! We MUST be on the
right
path!!
...
....
.....
Link, Goombas are all over the island.
If we have to go on this stupid journey, we should get a move on.
s without paying any
attention to them)
Gleep. (starts to run after
them)
blasts the )
Wheee.... fun.
Oh no... everyone, STAY BACK!!
What is it, Link? What do you see?
Is it a huge boss monster?
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