"Battle Of The Video Game Heroes" Proudly Presents:

Episode 3
The Third BOTVGH Awards!
by H Cuz
With contributions from: Klawkat, Wario the III, Dreyfus X, David Mario, Sean Kelly,
Luigi_Link, Braden, UDX, Diskmaster, Squirtlesaur2000, Nesshelper, and Goldshadow
THE CAST (80 characters, so I used a different format)

Mario

Luigi

Wario

Peach

Toad

Yoshi

Bowser

Kamek

Goomba

Wart

Miyamoto

Cranky

Donkey Kong Jr.

Chunky

Sonic

Tails

Knuckles

Edgar

Sabin

Locke

Sephiroth

Kefka

Mega Man

Snake Man

Burner Man

Dr. Wily

Mega Man X

Zero

Sigma

Magma Legume

Cow King

Dr. Evil

Wayne

Garth

Edge

Christian

The Rock

Stone Cold

Link

Stalfos

Bob

Samus

Sailor Moon

Sailor Mercury

Sailor Mars

Sailor Jupiter

Sailor Venus

Professor Tomoe

Captain Falcon

Martin's Station Wagon

Britney Spears

Daffy Duck

Blob

Charlie

Cammy

Sakura

Mike Tyson

Worm

Sunflash

Ash

Pikachu

Meowth

Dratini

Charizard

H Cuz

Sean Kelly

Klawkat

UDX

Dan

Luigi_Link

Diskmaster

StarX

Dreyfus X

Tizzy557

David Mario

Carl

Squirtlesaur2000

ErekChee

Braden

Goldshadow

Lakitu

Snorlax
Not Pictured:
None. 82 characters, and they ALL have pics. I WIN AT THE INTERNET.

 
Jumpman, you're wrong. Fair and square.
I am not! You wouldn't know a good game if it kicked you in the butt!!
Oh yeah?!
YEAH!!
( comes in)
What's going on? Are they re-enacting Season 1 scenes?
Nothing so harmless.... it's the classic "Perfect Dark" vs. "Ocarina of Time" debate.
Ah.
How can you not like Joanna Dark?
Well, I might like her better if she had a sword and shield and had an adventure spanning 7 years.
Bah! See, you don't NEED seven years to get through PD!
You're saying there's no challenge in PD, then.
I didn't say that...
( comes by with a huge grin)
....Am I right or am I right, Link? You have to agree with me...
Sorry, can't talk now. I gotta rehearse my speech for when I win Best Main Character. I'll have lots of references to Majora's Mask!
"When" you win Best Main Character?
Puh-lease.
You're not gonna win just for your failed romantic endeavors.
Ooh, big words. Well, I don't care what you think--
, and  (at once): That award is as good as mine!!
(Long pause)
.......Jinx! Hahahahaha!
( hits  with his cane)
Take that!
That was mean. Remind me not to mention you in my acceptance speech!
Amateur.... I've got my acceptance speech already written!
: Grrrrr.
(Let's check in with the villains)
Is that speech written yet?
For the 239th time, no! Be patient!!
.....You've been counting?
Yep.
Wow.
Where'd that hedgehog run off to, anyway? I haven't seen him around here lately.
I don't know. Everyone thinks that just because I'm the most powerful Maverick ever, I know everything.
....Do you know everything?
Of course! I just, um, have a selective memory.
Whatever. Well, that rodent had better be back by the Awards. If we win Best Villain...
WHEN we win.
Right... WHEN we win Best Villain, we need to accept that award as a team.
Speaking of which, is the speech done yet?
For the 240th time, NO!
OK, OK... sheesh...
( comes in.)
About freaking time.
Shut up. I have some bad news for you guys.
Britney Spears will be singing a duet with Wario at the awards?
Everyone in the episode (and even some who aren't): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
.........That was real loud.
Where did all those people come from?!
.............................
Well, the bad news is they're trying to reform me. They want to make me a.... a...... a good guy!!!
......So? Technically you are....
Yes, but I can't!! I have to be evil, because I'm the physical manifestation of Sega itself, and BOTVGH is a militantly pro-Nintendo site, so I have to be the bad guy even if I'm really a good guy!!!
Um.... run that by me again?
NO!
Well, what're you gonna do? Some BOTVGH authors happen to like Sega.
Hmm... I don't have to reform right away. I'll still work with you guys this season. After that.... I don't know.
OK. Hey Seph, aren't you do---
( takes out the Masamune blade)
Er... Never mind.
That's better.
One more thing before the next scene change. Since this is my last season as a villain, I wanna make it special.
That's so sweet.
So, if we don't win.... wanna crash the awards?
: YEAH!!!
If I don't get to use my speech, they'll pay!!
Hehehehe... all right.
(Elsewhere)
What's this?! One of H Cuz's episodes is developing a potential plotline?!
Everyone in the episode (and even some who aren't): *GASP!*
Very funny...
Well, it's weird. First, a mini-plot at the last awards. Then the battle in the Olympics ep. Now a potential plot here. Are you really H Cuz, or some imposter sent to fool us?
What, I'm not allowed to expand my writing style?
Whatever. Let's talk about the awards! Why wasn't I nominated?
You didn't get enough votes last time.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!
Ooooh... too bad. Hee hee hee!
( pegs  with an egg)
Ouch! That was uncalled for.
Hey, I have a question. In BOTVGH, why is Kamek a good guy and Sonic a villain?
Because Kamek is cool.
Never have truer words been spoken.
Oh, shaddup...
It's because Kamek is a Nintendo character, isn't it?!
No!
That's discriminating against Sega characters! You bigots!
( and  hold up protest signs.)
and : Down with BOTVGH! Down with BOTVGH!
You guys are starting to get annoying...
(They continue to march)
Equal opportunity for all consoles!
Huzzah!
Incoming!
and : Huh?
(s fall on  and )
SEE?! You dropped cows on us because we're Sega characters!
No, I dropped cows on ya because you were being a nuisance!!
LIAR!!!
(s fall on  and )
*sigh* I love my job...
and : BOYCOTT!!!!
( and  leave)
OK, so why is Sonic a villain while they're merely annoyances?
Because.
Hmmm.... I smell a conspiracy.
That's not a conspiracy you smell.... that's Wario.
Oh.
Eh-hehehehehehehehe!!!
(They all look at  and with him is..... ?!)
Wha? What's she doing here?
I have a bad feeling about this...
We're singing a duet later!!!
Everyone in the episode (and even some who aren't): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where the heck are all these people coming from?!
Um... wasn't me. (hides a dimensional portal behind his back)
Kamek, why are you hiding a dimensional portal behind your back?
Oh, no reason.
(singing... if you can call it that) Oops! I did it again...
All: AGGGGGHHHH!!!
Heh heh heh! Now, this is a singer who almost makes me sound good!!
Noooooo!!! Whose idea was it to bring her into this episode?! AaaAAaaAAaaAAagh... (faints)
OK, OK...
( falls on )
H-hey!
It had to be done.
( and  come in)
What should we do with her?
The usual.
Got it. (She and  lift .) To the dumpster!
Right!
Nooooooooooooo!!! Britneeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!!!
( and  carry  out the back.  chases them)
Good riddance.
I kinda liked her!
You would.
(off-screen) You let her go or I'll---
(Metallic "thud" is heard)
(o/s) Should we toss him in there too?
(o/s) Might as well.
So, is this scene meant to reflect our violent culture?
Actually, it's just senseless anti-Britney propaganda.
Oh, I see.
That idiot Wario... WHY did I even try to marry him?!
(o/s): That's what I'd like to know!
Mario? You're here?
(, and  come in. They're done beating each other up, and now they're all bandaged up.)
Mario!!
Wow, you're glad to see me!
You still owe me 200 gold coins for that P-Wing you took from my castle the other day!
...Or not.
Speaking of which, Mario, don't you owe Cranky $400 for that bet last season?
Yeah! Pay up, Jumpman!
I will, once I, uh, get the money!
Liar! (hits  with his cane) And Perfect Dark is still better!
Nuh-uh!
Uh-huh!
Noooo!
Yeeees!
(***Bonk!Wham!***)
(holding a hammer) Shaddup already!
: Sorry...
I am Ash from Pallet Town!
We know.
I'm gonna be a master trainer!
Whatever.
And see, I have this Pikachu, so I'm gonna...
( mutes )
Hey, a character stupider than me!
That's quite a novelty, isn't it?
( keeps talking silently, oblivious to the fact he's been muted)
Speaking of not very bright, isn't that Sailor Moon over there?
(whining) But WHY won't you write my acceptance speech for me?!
It wouldn't be right! You should write your own speech!!
She's too incompetent to write her own... and anyway, we don't even know if she's gonna win!
You're mean.
Come on Rei, give her a chance. Who's her competition anyway? A singer, the devil, a duck...
Well, I thought that Digimon trainer was kinda cute! Maybe a little too young for me though... And another category besides...
Gaaaaaaaaaah... girls in short skirts...
( is drooling)
Great.... right after I had this carpet cleaned.
Yo, Link! Earth to Link, are you there?
Hmmmm...
( holds a picture of  in front of )
SAMMY-CHAN!!!!!! (grabs the picture and hugs it)
...........
"Sammy-chan"? He's lost it.
No, that implies he had it before.
Oh, I see.....
Hi everyone! How's it going?
Greetings, oh short-skirted ones.
( smacks  in the back of the head)
Whaaaaaaaaaaat?!
Hey... that guy hugging the piece of paper... isn't that the guy from Legend of Zelda?
Sadly, yes.
Hey... he's not bad-looking! He looks just like my ex-boyfriend!
(looks like he's about to melt into the floor) R-r-r-r-really? Uh....h-h-h-h-hu-hu-huuuuuu....
Hoo boy.
As you can see, girls, Link is a hopeless loser.
Sailor Scouts: Ohhhh.
(stops stammering) Hu... hu....... HEY!!
I tell it like it is...
(Mute spell wears off)
I am Ash!
Sadly, that's true.
Huh?
All: ......
Heeeeey. Was that an insult?
Yes.
Well.... well....... you're mean. I don't like you!!
Yeah, I know. I get that a lot.
Can I smite him?
Go ahead.
Woohoo! I'll do this one myself!
( falls on )
........Ow.
So, why exactly is the Short Skirt Brigade here?
Three....
What in the name of Pong are you doing?
Counting the number of jokes about skirt length.
.......
Anyway, why are they here?
Sailor Moon was nominated for Best Non-Video Game Cameo.
Well, that's all well and good but.... it doesn't explain the OTHER four!!
I'm not complaining!
Personally, I only came for the snack buffet!
There is no snack buffet.
What?!
We just came because a certain meatball-brained someone dragged us along!!
Hey!
We certainly WEREN'T paid by the author to come here JUST IN CASE certain villains show up!!
The other Sailors: MINAKO!!!!!
.......Oooooops.....
"Certain villains"?
(Not far away....)
Wow, look at all this neat stuff! Souvenir T-shirts... coffee mugs... plush cows...
Yeah, ain't it grand?
Hey, I thought you were gone for good.
That's what plot holes are for. So, you're an evil scientist too, huh?
Yeah... well, I used to be. I've quit the science biz, and I work for Microsoft now.
So you went from evil scientist to evil computer guy?
Yep. I've just about reached the pinnacle of evil. I even look like Bill Gates!!
Wow, that's amazing! I'm not worthy!! (bows)
So, fellow evil genius, what brings you to BOTVGH Island?
Well, I wasn't paid by the author to come and stir up trouble.
Oh, OK. I see.
Paying all these people to show up must put a real strain on H Cuz's wallet.
.......
(Suddenly  looks up and sees...)
*gasp* It's THEM!!
Who?
My arch-nemeses!!
The federal judges from the Microsoft ruling?
N-n-n-no!! It's the.... the.....S-S-Sailor---
Arrr, matey.
CUT THAT OUT!!!!
(looks where  is pointing) What's the big deal? It's a bunch of girls in miniskirts.
( just happens to walk by)
Four...
So what's the big deal, Tomoe?
They're the ones who...... defeated me!!
You were defeated by a bunch of 15-year-olds?
( and  start to snicker)
Grrrr... you'll see! I'll have my revenge on them... TODAY!! Hahahahaha!!
( stomps off)
.......
( pops up out of nowhere)
Dun dun dunnnnn!!!
Come along, Bowser. We're not in this scene.
You are no fun, you know that?
I think I'm about ready for a....
(Meanwhile)
......Scene change.
So... you say you're sailors?
Sailor SOLDIERS.
You're Navy officers?
( is struggling not to hit Link)
I guess not...
So what weird gimmick are we gonna have at this awards ep?
I hired a camera crew.
A camera crew...?
( comes in with a microphone. Behind him,  is holding a video camera)
I don't wanna carry this anymore.
Well, you have to. Naturally, since I'm better-looking and have cooler hair, I get to be the reporter.
Whatever... *mumbles* Moron...
Everyone, smile! You're on TV!
All: (except ) HI, MOM!!!!
Now to do some reporting... let's see... (looks around) I wanna do an interview. (Notices ) Ooooh...
???????
(trying to sound clever) Hey babe, how about a little "one-on-one" interview?
Crescent Beam!!!
( fires off a beam and  is knocked back 50 feet.)
Owwww... or not.
That went well...
Oh, shut up. X, we delete that later, OK? Nobody is going to see that.
That's what you think. Hehehehe.
Urrrrgh.
( moves the camera over to show  and )
The Ocarina of Time is... well... better! Because it is! So there!
Can't you just face facts, Jumpman? Perfect Dark kicks Ocarina of Time's rear across the island and back. Case closed.
Guys, guys, guys... there's an easy solution.
: ?????
It's obvious! Majora's Mask is better than both of them!!
: .......LIAR!!
(All 3 start fighting)
Let's see what Luigi's up to...
Zzzzz...
Well, that was fun.... um... could we have a scene change?
(Meanwhile, somewhere mysterious!)
(o/s) Thank you.....
Listen guys, last time we tried an attack, we got our butts kicked. We need a new strategy.
Yeah, I know. The standard bad-guy entrance probably won't work.
Maybe Sigma has some Mavericks we can use.
No, they all went on vacation.... except for one.
I still don't know why I'm here.
Who's he?
I call him Magma Legume. See, it rhymes with Magma Dragoon. It's clever, ya know.
....Ooooookay.
Hide, guys! The awards are starting in 5 seconds!!
(They hide. Exactly 5 seconds later, everyone suddenly appears inside the arena.)
Ack! How'd we get here?!
How else? Plot hole.
Let's move this episode along.
(Somewhere mysterious!)
Mwa ha ha... I'll have my revenge, Sailor Scouts. Mark my words!!
I am Ash!
What the....?! How the heck did you find me?!
Uhhhh...
( grins evilly. Now back to the awards.)
Welcome one and all, to the third BOTVGH Awards ceremony, where the best performers of Season 6 -- as decided by YOU, the readers -- will be, uh, awarded. I'm Zero, elite Maverick Hunter and on-the-scene reporter. Now, here's the host, H Cuz!
( goes up on stage. Loud cheers.)
Thank you, thank you.
( presses "Stop" on a hidden tape recorder. The cheers stop.)
Hey, the tape recorder was supposed to be secret!
(Hehehehehe.)
You're fired.
(You can't fire me! I'm the magical parentheses narrator thingy!)
Siiiiiigh... anyway... Let's meet our first presenter. Here to present "Best New Author" is Luigi_Link.
How ironic! The "New Author" award is presented by someone who will make his own author debut this season.
This is my debut! If you have visited the chat and message boards, you know I exist. But if you don't, you don't know I exist. Well, I am here now. And I'm pleased to present an award. Thank you H Cuz. The nominees are...
 
BEST ROOKIE AUTHOR(S)
Braden
The SMBHQ Crew
Tsuji Yamada
And the winner is... (has trouble opening his envelope, finally opens it) Ahhh... there we go. And the winner is... Braden (65 votes)! The runner up was the SMBHQ crew (43 votes).
( goes on stage to accept his award)
HOLY MOLY!!! Wow, I can't believe this. I remeber voting in last season's awards when I started out as an author here in BOTVGH. I got welcomed by so many people, I just HAD to write an ep for Season 6. And here I am, one awards show later. I'd like to thank everyone who have taught me so much this past season, including H Cuz, Klawkat, Dan/Tomoe, ErekChee, Sean Kelly, Martin Smith... (pant)... and so many more people. And if you're wondering, yes, Jes is on that list. Jes has made me realize how great BOTVGH is, and it has prevented me from taking this great group of people for granted. Well, I hope I can help as many new authors this season as so many did for me in Season 6, and I'll keep on writing eps in the future. Thank you so much!!!
(as  leaves the stage) Now, to present Best Veteran Author, here are Dr. Wily's two most unreliable, degenerate robots, Snake Man and Burner Man.
( walks on stage first, not a huge applause at all...)
Hello, I'm not Snake Man, I'm Snake! Snake, as in... a Snake!
Whatever.... where's Burner Man?
He's out. Mr. Char-broiled has a little too big of an ego, and he's hitting on girls, telling them he's nominated for best cameo.
Well, can you present without him?
I would, but propane-accessory has the card... I'll fetch him...
( leaves offstage)
Errr... ummm... Well, I guess we'll move on to the next category...
This is great! Suspense and drama, the viewers will love it!
Now, here's Best New Feature, presented by the toughest twosome in any RPG: The Figaro Brothers, Edgar and Sabin from Final Fantasy 3/6j.
BOTVGH is always seeking to improve.
A few innovations changed the face of the site this past season.
The nominees are...
 
BEST NEW FEATURE
"Episode Features" List
FAQ
Message Board
Chat Room
Song of the Week

The Song of the Week won with 33 votes.
The episode features list was second with 32 votes.
Thanks for choosing the Song of the Week, people. I've always been an avid lover of video game music, and prior to Season 6, a lot of people suggested putting a MIDI on the front page. The Tip of the Week had been successful (it won this award last season), so the Song of the Week was born.
Now to present Best Spinoff, here's Wario the III.
( comes on-stage)
BOTVGH's popularity has resulted in the formation of several spinoff sites, which borrow concepts and characters from BOTVGH and develop many of their own fan followings. The nominees are:
 
BEST SPINOFF
BOTVGH: The New Dimension
Battle of the Video Game Zeroes
Battle of the Pokémon Heroes
Reign of the Video Game Villains
Survivor of the Video Game Heroes
World of Ruin
And the winner is Klawkat's World of Ruin (37 votes)! The closest challenger was Sean Kelly's ROTVGV with 34 votes.
( and  come on stage)
Cheesy Poofs!
Sorry, Klawkat hasn't arrived in the building yet, but in case you haven't read the WOR, you should know that Dratini and myself, Locke, famed and fabled treasure hunter extraordinaire, are cast members in the WOR, and we are here to give thanks on Klawkat's behalf.
I did not get probed!
Heh heh heh... First off, Klawkat wants us to thank our major WOR contributors, in no particular order: Big J, UDX, Scrambla, Wario the III, and ErekChee. Also, I would like Dratini to say something that would benefit why you should visit the WOR, if you haven't.
'Cause I said so!
That's right!
( and  leave stage)
(Elsewhere...)
(leaning against the wall, minding his own business) ......
(finding ) Where the heck have you been?
(glares at  coldly)
Hey, listen, I don't care. We have an award to present here, and I don't want your flaming ego to fest in all this crap. Come on, we got to present.
*Sigh* (Follows  back to stage)
Well, since Snake is still gone, I have arranged a song-and-dance number. It's Marty, the Stalfos from Part 3 of the Quest to Save the Past.
I have rhythm! (dances) I have music! (dances)
(Crowd boos)
( and  rudely barge on-stage)
Whaaaaaa??? You interrupted my song!! Meanies!
( breaks  to a pile of bones)
(Crowd cheers)
First you're late for a presentation, and now you damaged our singing talent, Marty the Dancing Stalfos?
(Nod nod)
Well, welcome aboard, and start the presentation already!
All right.
( takes out his Super Flaming Heat Induced Boom Box of Death (TM) and plays the theme of Bubble Bobble for no reason!)
We got background music, now the presentation.
( takes out a card)
These are the vets. (Snatches the card)
( reads the card, and they show the the nominees)


BEST VETERAN AUTHOR
H Cuz
Klawkat 
Sean Kelly
UDX
Wario the III

All right. Half finished. Burner, hand me the winner card.
(grabs the winner card away from !)
Hey! Give it here!
(Shakes his head) >:(
Come on, freak!
( punches  in the stomach, and  retaliates by hitting  in the face. They then get into a fight.)
(The fight rolls offstage, but  drops the card.)
(Coming back together) Ahhh... they were mean.
( walks and grabs the card)
Hee hee! (Walks off with the winner card.)
What! Come on! What's wrong with this picture here! Arrgh... OK... Next presenter...
Aaaaahhh!!! I wanna know who wooooon!
Get a grip, will ya?!
Sorry...
Next award is Best Cow Substitute, presented by Sean Kelly.
(Everyone waits for  to come to the podium. Meanwhile on some road out there...)
Oh great, I'm on! Now how am I going to get to the awards to present?
(Suddenly  comes driving over to , and  comes out)
Need a lift?
Sure thing!
Then let's go!
BEEP! BEEP!
( gets into  and it drives towards the awards. Meanwhile at the awards,  is improvising)
Umm... How about them Packers?
(In the audience)
Boy... that guy is so boring.
Yeah we want the totally tubular Canadian dude!
(Suddenly  drives into the theatre right up to the stage before falling apart)
and : Whoa!
I should get that looked at.
(Right then  comes out and he heads over to the podium and there is a large applause)
Thank you! Thank you! It is great to be here at the 3rd Annual BOTVGH Awards.
(In the audience)
There he is! The Canadian guy!
He is so rad.
( and  go into the aisle and they start bowing)
and : WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!
( smiles)
Anyway I am here to present the award for Best Cow Substitute. As you know Cow King was in prison last season....
NO THANKS TO YOU!!!!!
Yeah..... anyway Cow King was in prison last season, so everyone had to improvise with new innovations. Now, I am going to announce the nominees for this one in a slightly unconventional way. I have Blob up in the control room where he is read to demonstrate each of the substitutes.
(View goes to the control room)
Yep everything is ready up here. I just need to press a button to get the cow substitute to work.
(Back to the podium)
All right. Okay. Backstage I have some subjects who do not know what is going on because they were in a sound-proof room. They will come up and "help" me demonstrate each of the Cow Replacements. First up is Meowth.
( comes out on stage)
Now it is my time to shine!
The first nominee for best Cow Substitute is.... Extremely large gerbils!
Oh boy.
(An extremely large  falls onto )
Ouch!
( leaves)
Next up on my assistant's list are Edge and Christian from the WWF!
( and  come up onto the stage)