"Battle Of The Video Game Heroes" Proudly Presents:
Episode 28
Cranky Kong vs. BOTVGH's Nursing Home
By Squirtlesaur2000/Ivytoise2001
THE CAST
Top Row:
Mario, Yoshi, Donkey Kong, Cranky, Wrinkly, Candy, Mega Man, Link
Bottom Row:
Frogger, Paddle from Pong, Space Cap'n Joe, UDX, Weird Al Yankovic, Casper the Ghost, Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man
Not Pictured:
Martin Smith

 
(One day, at lunch.)
Mmmmm, frozen pizza.
You sure like your Italian food don't ya' Mario?
Rigatoni, Lasagna, Pizza...
Ha ha, Jumpman's fat!!!
So what?
Bring it on, J!
( picks up 's pizza and puts his face in it.)
Oh, that's it old timer!
( picks  up and throws him against the door.)
You think you're so smart, whippersnapper!
( picks  up and uses his blaster against .)
STOPPIT! I've had enough of you two always fricking fighting!!!
(A while later...)
Hello, Wrinkly?
Hello, child. What's wrong? K. Rool back?
No. Cranky's out of control. I don't know what to do!
Here, look at this brochure...
( goes to .)
The Video Game Retirement Home. Yeah, this'll be the perfect place for Cranky.
But how do we get him there?
I've got an idea...
(Over at 's Cabin.)
Hey, Cranky. What do you say we go on a date, baby?
Candy, I can't go on a date with you. You're my daughter.
Oh.
Heh. Wait, Cranky's my dad.
Um...
Plan B...
(Over at 's house.)
Hi there, Crank. Can you settle an argument?
It'll cost ya Jumpman.
Right, here's 5 Kong Coins. Okay, get in this cannon, and tell us where you end up.
OK.
( blasts off.)
He should land right in the nursing home.
To tell you the truth, I don't think I did land.
Huh?!?!
I dunno. Oh well, bye.
Plan C... get in the van, Crank!
(They drive to the Video Game Retirement Home.)
Don't worry, they'll treat ya real friendly like here.
OK. Are you sure? Oh, well.
Everything's settled. OK, bye Cranky.
( and  drive off in a hurry.)
Well, bye. Um, hello?
Hey, Donkey!
But my name's... yeah, it's Donkey.
We can't wait to hear about your stories. I loved your video game.
Yeah, I was pretty good, wasn't I?
Let's introduce ourselves. I'm Frogger.
I'm Pac, this is my girlfriend Ms. Pac.
I thought you two were married.
If that were so, I'd be Mrs. Pac-Man you idiot.
Don't start this here.
Why not?! We're in a retirement home for god's sake! You have commitment problems! I'm not seeing you anymore!
Oh, darn.
Well, I'm Pong. I was the paddle from Pong.
And I'm sure you remember me!
Um...
I was in the ship in Galaga.
Ohhhhhh. Well, you wanna hear about... naw, you don't wanna hear about the good ol' days.
Yes we would. We love talking about the good ol' days!
But. Eh... um... cows fall on you! Heh heh he...
Maybe you should get your medicine now...
(Back at BOTVGH.)
Life is great now.
Yup.
You know, I don't miss Cranky at all.
Cranky? Who's Cranky?
Yeah.
Hey, Mario, you want the rest of this pizza?
Yeah. C'mon, someone call me Jumpman.
You hate that name.
Yeah... um, right. I'm gonna take a walk.
(As  walks, 's "You Don't Love Me Anymore" plays.)
"We've been together for so long
But now things are changing, oh I wonder what's wrong?
Seems you don't want me around
The passion is gone and the flame's died down

I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem
That time that you made it with the whole hockey team
You used to think I was nice
Now you tell all your friends that I'm the Antichrist

Oh, why did you disconnect the brakes on my car?
That kind of thing is hard to ignore
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore

I knew that we were having problems when
You put those piranhas in my bathtub again
You're still the light of my life
Oh darling, I'm beggin', won't you put down that knife?

You know, I even think it's kinda cute the way
You poison my coffee just a little each day
I still remember the way that you laughed
When you pushed me down the elevator shaft

Oh, if you don't mind me asking, what's this poisonous cobra
Doing in my underwear drawer?
Sometimes I get to thinking you don't love me anymore

You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill
Now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will
You set my house on fire
You pulled out my chest hairs with an old pair of pliers

Oh, you think I'm ugly and you say I'm cheap
You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep
You drilled a hole in my head
Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead

Oh, you know this really isn't like you at all
You never acted this way before
Honey, something tells me you don't love me
Anymore, oh no no
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore."

Where's that music coming from?!
You got a problem with it?!
Weird Al Yankovic?!
Yeah, I just come here to sing sometimes. And I know something you don't know!
What is it?
I know that a long time ago, when BOTVGH was created...
(As  talks, we go back in time to when Martin was making BOTVGH.)
Martin: I need Mario to have an equal. Not Luigi or a Mario brother, someone that he must always be with, an enemy and a friend.
What about Cranky?
Martin: Okay. Why do you say that?
I don't know, I'm drunk.
(Back in the present.)
Is any of that true?
I don't think we'll ever know. I mean, heck, I'm not even here.
What, wait a minute...
( notices that  wasn't actually there and there was no music.)
But... um, oh well. I know what I have to do!
(The next morning...)
Guess who's back!
Elvis?!
Um, no, Elvis is dead.
WHAT?! Well, it would explain some things.
Well, this is gonna be kind of bittersweet now, but Cranky's back!
He was gone?
Um... well, yeah.
Oh. Well, welcome back.
Thank you. Now where's Wrinkly?
Dad, Wrinkly's dead.
(Laughing) No she's not.
WHAT?! You mean I don't see dead people?
No way. That was an old Halloween joke.
(Everybody except  has a good laugh.)
Heh. Yeah, the joke's on me.
Hey, DK! Will you be my friend?
Um...
THE END

This has been a BOTVGH Production (c). All video game characters are copyright their respective companies. This episode belongs to the BOTVGH Archive and the author.