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by: David Smith (formerly Squirtlesaur2k) |
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by: David Smith (formerly Squirtlesaur2k) |
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Cranky, DK, Mario, H Cuz, Wrinky, Cow, Toad, King Kong, Rizzo Middle Row: Gonzo, Yoshi, Peach, Diddy Kong, Dennis Leary, Gary Coleman, Candy Kong, Wario, and Luigi Bottom Row: Swanky Kong, Young Cranky, Funky Kong, Young Wrinkly, Braden, David123, Ian Pugh, Dan Not pictured: Kris T. Alien, Starr Jones, Jacob Marley, Kevin Smith, and David (Smith) |
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David: Wrinkly was dead. Dead as a doornail... or as dead as a doornail could get, it being an inanimate object. However, Wrinkly had once not been an inanimate object, which would make her biotic while the doornail is abiotic, therefore making them unconparable, so let us just say that she was dead. Dead she was. You must remember this, or no good will come of the tale which I am about to relate. Cranky Kong had opened a Christmas Tree shop to get some extra money. The reason he wanted the money could only be seen as greed, for he was too cranky, as his name suggests, to buy any friends or family presents. As it happened, the tale I'm going to tell happened on none other date than Christmas Eve. Cranky was in his office counting money, while Mario sold trees out in the snow... Ah, how I love the money.
Sweet, sweet money! Sweeter even than Campbell's
soup, the finest soup there is!Starr Jones: Mmm hmm, you know that, girlfriend! And tomorrow we gonna' have... looks at her oddly.)Where the heck did she come
from?Announcer: Campbells, Mmm Mmm Good! And watch the View, every morning on ABC! David: Sorry, Cranky, we had to get sponcors to pay the bills. I'm not upset because of her,
I'm upset because I don't have any delicious
Tostino's Pizza Rolls. They're America's favorite snack! walks into 's
office.)Hi, dad... or grand-dad, I'm
not sure, I was never really clear on that.What? I'd been under the
impression that I was your nephew!Oh well, whatever the matter, I
was wondering if you and Zelda would come
to have dinner with the family.Why would I spend time with the
family, or Zelda on Christmas?Well, Christmas is supposed to
be a time to be with your families, and
well, unknown family member, Zelda's your wife.Bah, all she's done since we
got married is nag. "Cranky, take out the
garbage" "Cranky, mow the lawn" "Cranky, stop looking at those
magaizines."Come on, are you telling me you
want to be all alone for Christmas?If I had my way, anyone with a
Merry Christmas on their face would be pile
drived, then force-fed figgy pudding while I throw wreaths at Jumpman's
big stupid butt!Huh?Oh, um, nothing...Well, look, at least I asked.
We'll be ready if you do decide to come.
Merry Christmas, Cranky.Bah humbug! sighs.)No, really, there's a humbug on
you.Oh! swats the humbug
off and exits. As he exits, enters.)Can't anyone leave me alone?Cranky, me and some of the
other authors are going around collecting money
for a new heater to put in the second Author's Apartment Complex.
A
lot of them there are
new to the island, and they've had to go through the cold nights.Bah humbug. gets out
some bug spray and sprays it.)We're infested with them.Ah, well, anyway, how much can
I put you down for?None.Come on, Cranky, why not?Why not? That is the question
you ask, and this is my answer...Do you really have to say that?It's in the script.Man, this is a stupid script...David: Hey, I'm working from Dickens here. &
start to laugh.)David: What's so funny about Dickens... oh, I get it! Oh... anyway, my answer: If
those authors are so cold, then they should
crowd into the first Author's Apartment Complex.But Cranky, there'd be hardly
any room to breath.Good, then maybe we'd lose some
of these stupid authors. Do you have any
idea what a falling cow feels like on a back already plagued with
osteoperosis?Fine, Cranky, don't give any
money. But let's just see if your secret Santa gives you anything good
this year.I didn't sign up for secret
Santas because I hate Christmas.Oh... well, then, uh... you
suck! leaves.
enters.)Don't you just love how
everything happens on cue in episodes?Uh, sure. Cranky, I don't think
anyone else is coming tonight, I'm going
to go ahead and pack up. I guess we'll do this again next year.Next year? Who said we were
stopping now?It's Chritsmas Eve now.So, we'll sell them as New
Year's trees!Fine, I'll see you after
Christmas.No way, you'll see me tomorrow
morning, Jumpman!Cranky, it's Christmas! Are you
crazy?Shut up, you Big Helium Dog!Please, Cranky, just because
you're a big angry old fart doesn't mean other
people don't have families. No one will be here anyway.... fine. But be here fifteen
minutes earlier the next morning!Thanks, Cranky, even though I
would've kicked your arse if you said no. exits.)David: And so, Cranky locked up the office, and he went to his home. As he had told Donkey Kong, he lived away from his own wife, Zelda. While she stayed in her own house, Cranky stayed in a huge mansion next to the BOTVGH Newsroom. No one ever came to visit him... except for Ivytoise2001 when he needed some sugar. Not that kind of sugar, sicko. Cranky came to the door to see an unusual sight. looks at
the doorknocker and sees it change into the face of Jacob Marley.)Marley: Scooooo... wait, who the heck are you? Cranky Kong.Marley: Oh man, wrong house again! 's.) Craaaaaanky!AAAAHHHH! walks inside.)David: Cranky walked inside. The house was dim, dark, and cold, just the way Cranky liked it. Like it? I love it.David: Only Kris and I are going to get that joke, so don't worry if you didn't. Cranky retired to his bedroom and changed into sleeping clothes. He was ready to get into bed, until he heard a loud sound as if there were chains being dragged across the floor. He remembered that back in the good ol' days, there were talks of ghosts appearing after sounds of chains. He also remembered that in the good ol' days there was talks of robots being possessed by demons. appears
to .)AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Hello, Cranky.I... I don't believe you. You don't believe me? Do you
not believe what you see before you?No, because there has to be
some logical explanation. That WarioShady feller
coulda' given me some o' them shrooms by accident. touches .) I assure you I am very real.Okay, okay, fine. So, wanna'
make out? Cranky, you've remarried!So? Zelda don't kiss like you
did, baby! But her butt... falls on .)That's just not right. Well, if
you're not back for more Cranky love, then
why are you here? I'm here to warn you. Do you
know what I have to put up with for all eternity?
I have to drag this chain around for my entire life! This
chain
I made in life...I never saw you making any
chain. It's a metaphor, you idiot!
Living with you made me grow stubborn, and
hateful. Now, I have to wander this world forever, dragging this
chain,
and helping Donkey
Kong with gameplay tips!Listen, at least I have until
I'm dead, right?Oh, so you're going to be happy
about having three months until you have
to worry about this chain?Three months? That's not
right... You will be visited by three
spirits. The first will come at 12:00 tonight.
The second will come the next night at 12:00. And the next will come on
the next night at...12:00? No, 10:00, he has a date at 12.Why can't they all come at once? I don't know, ask Charles
Dickens.
start to laugh.) Oh, grow up. Be warned, if you
do not learn from these spirits, you will
have my fate... be warned... ( fades away.)Bah, humbug. That's a big one. stomps the
humbug.)David: That night, Cranky lay awake in his bed. He couldn't get to sleep even if he wanted to. The bell tolled for 11:00. Cranky brought his watch over to hi so he could see the time more clearly. A quarter past. Half past. A quarter 'til. Five minutes 'til. Suddenly, Cranky's room grew lighter. He got up from his bed to try and find the source of illumination. What the heck is lighting up my
freakin' room?David: I think my way of saying it was better. walks up to )Well, if it isn't the little
mushroom idiot.What?What're you doing here, Toad?
I'm waiting for a spirit.That would be me. The Spirit of
Christmas Past.How come you look like Toad?Have you seen the budget,
Cranky? We can't just get new people to play
roles.I see.Well, come on. We've got to get
to the past.Like dinosaurs and stuff?Your past... so yeah.So, ya' think yer' funny, do
ya'? whacks
with his cane.)Alright, that's it. pushes
out of his window.)Noooooooooo... jumps out and
catches . They start to fly.)Dagnabbit, what's goin' on?I told you, we're going to the
past. &
land at a school in Big Ape City.)P.S. 112You can't post-script if you're
not writing a letter.It's your school!Oh, right. Yeah, I remember
this.It's Christmas, 1935. Everyone
at school is leaving for vacation, except
for one...Who?Have you really forgotten after
all these years? &
appear in the school. is sitting at his desk, writing away.)That's... that's me!Well, I wouldn't advertise that.I always saw the Christmas
vacation as a way to get ahead of the other
kids. While they were at home doing their own Christmas rubbish, I
was
here, working away.You never missed Christmas?I never had anyone to spend
Christmas with, dangit! My father kicked me
out of the house when I turned 8.You had no one to spend
Christmas with, did you? walks
in.)Hello, um, Donkey? Yes?I told my father about you not
having anyone to spend Christmas with, and
well... he said you could spend Christmas with our family. ...
no. I have to stay here.Please, Donkey. It's not right. Go
away! You're messing up my time for work. walks
away.)You had someone to spend
Christmas with, Cranky. You had someone who loved
you. You didn't miss out on the Christmas spirit, Cranky, you refused
it!You don't know what it's like.We've got to go further now... & are at a construction site
next
to a large building.)Christmas, 1945.This is the construction site I
used to work at.You remember it?It was my first job. I threw
barrels down from the top.Wow, it looks like deja vu.
Everyone else is inside that building, while
you're still working away. looks
in the building.) Isn't
anyone going to help me out here?You really are pathetic, you
know that?Now, you shut up, 'shroom boy! whacks
with his cane.)I think it's funny how you fail
to realize I'm not Toad, but a spirit
that looks like him.. He begins to fall, until he
falls right back where he was.)I hate you. runs out
to .)Donkey,
what are you doing out here? Trying
to work.Did
you forget about the Christmas party? I
don't celebrate Christmas.That's
alright. Funky Goldstein is holding a Chanukah party on the
5th floor. I
don't celebrate any holiday.Donkey,
come in or your fired! Fine,
if it'll make you all happy. walks
in with . comes up to him.)Hi. Hello.You know, I had the biggest
crush on you in school? Why?I don't know. What
is there to see in me? I'm a reject. That's why my dad kicked me out
when
I was 8.Ah, so maybe your stubborn,
cranky guy act is just to cover up your true
feelings.You just made up this crap.
This never happened.You can't block out memories
being displayed to you right in front of your
face, Cranky.I can, and I will! Take me back
home. There's nothing I can learn here.We'll see... &
appear at Fozziwig's.)So, Rizzo, ya' see...What in the world?Yeah, yeah, Gonzo, this is cool!Oh, sorry. There's so many of
these Christmas spirit things, I get mixed
up sometimes. &
appear in a snowy park. & are there.) Wrinkly,
I know that I can act really mean and stubborn, but I would change it
all...
if you would marry me.Oh, Donkey!Let's see if you lived up to
that promise... &
appear at BOTVGH Island.)Christmas 1999.Hey,
Jumpman, come here so I can hit you with my cane!Yeah, you big fat loser!Wrinkly became just like you.
You never changed. You had to keep your cranky
persona, because heaven forbid anyone ever know you had feelings.
Now, the woman you love is wandering the world forever bearing a huge
chain.
Does that even mean anything to you?!... take me home.One more memory.NO! picks up
his cane, and this time whacks so hard that he is smooshed
into a
puddle of white... almost like milk. stares down at
it,
and sees that it
is milk, splattered on his floor.)I'm back. gets into
his bed.)I ain't meeting these ghosts
again. I'll be away come midnight tomorrow.David: Cranky woke up from his bed and looked at his watch. It was... 11:45? He wondered how he could've overslept. He got up out of the bed and pulled the drapes up off the window hoping to see daylight... but sadly there was none. It was as if he had slept all through one entire day. Becuase he had. Perhaps the spirits had heard his plan, and they had played some trick to keep him in his bedroom. looks in
the mirror to see shaving cream all over his face and notices he has
wet
his pants.)David: Hey, I was right! It was a trick! I'm a good narrator! Otter! However it happened, he began to see a bright, colorful light from his kitchen. He walked closer to find a room covered with fruit, and a green dinosaur eating it. walks up
to .)Spirit of Christmas Present, I
presume?Yep. spins his
tongue out to grab a whole lot of fruit.)So, you gonna' show me how to
give gifts or something?Present as in the time being.Man, I wish Link had a part in
this episode. I seem to be stupider than
I usually am.Well, let's go out and see
what's happening this Christmas. &
appear at the part of the island where are the character's homes are.)Don't you just love Christmas?
Oh wait, you don't, or I wouldn't be here.Can we just get this over with?Okay, let's see, what's on the
list first... Mario's house.Jumpman? &
appear in the house. is not yet there, but is already cooking. , , & are at the table.)How long until dinner's ready?Luigi, we aren't eating until
at least Mario gets home! Man, I wish he
would hurry his sorry behind up.Mario's sorry behind? You guys
are regular people that decided to pretend
to be Mario brothers. You shouldn't even be here! Shut
up.Now, where did those grapes I
had out go? licks his
lips.)I thought you guys weren't
supposed to interfere with stuff.... so? knocks on
the door.) Hey, there's
Mario, now! Hide, Luigi, hide! hides behind
a lamp post, but is still visible. opens the door. walks in,
with on his back.)He made you give him a piggy
back again?What's going on?You remember when Wario named
both of his feet?Yeah, Tom and Tim.Well, Tim has become quite
tiny. If it finally dissentegrates, Wario will
cease to live.That doesn't make any sense
though.Neither does a UDX episode, but
we're still in them!How was Wario at church today?Oh, as good as gold... and
better. He told me he strangest thing, however.What was that?He said that he hoped people
noticed him, because he was a cripple. He
said that if they noticed him, they might give us money, and we could
go
trying to destroy
pirates. Now, wait, where's Luigi?He had to work on Luigi's
Mansion 2.On Christmas? jumps out
at )You idiot! throws a fireball
at .)Oh, sorry, man. I thought you
were a ninja.It's... alright.Well, Christmas dinner is ready.I want to make a toast. To
Cranky, for having at least a kind enough heart
to let me be with you all today.Aw...Cranky may have let you off
work today, but he's still making you work
after Christmas!Now, now...Don't now now me! We ought to
throw him off the island! Even Donkey hates
him, he's just too afraid to tell him to his face!Is that true?We'll see.It's Christmas, Peach.Fine. I'll drink to him for
Christmas. But he's still a big stupid monkey.
Now, let's eat.God
bless us... aw, who cares, gimme' some chicken!Come on.Where we goin' now?To your... uh... to... to
Donkey Kong's house. &
appear at 's house, in the kitchen.)When is Cranky going to start
coming to our Kong Khristmas Parties?Do we have to call everything
with a 'c' that sounds like a 'k' into a
'k'?I guess not. Oh, look, the
kasserole's ready.Well, I asked Cranky, and he
told me that he hated Christmas. I wasn't
really expecting him to say yes, but I've got to ask him. I mean, he's
in
some way related to
me, and most probably in my direct family. comes in.)Hey, guys, come in the living
room. We're about to play some games. & walk
into the living room with . snaps his finger, and he &
appear in the living room.)What should we play? Swanky's Strife!Super Smash Brothers!I know, let's play 'Yes or No'.That sounds like it sucks.No, come on. I'll pretend to be
someone, and you guys have to ask me questions.
I'll answer them yes or no until you figure out who I am. Okay, let's
go.Are you potty trained?I used to be.I'll bet it's Jumpman.Are you an idiot?... yes.Definetely Jumpman.I know who it is!Who?Cranky!Yep!Why you... hits with
his cane, but it goes right through him.)Come on, Cranky, this is pretty
basic stuff. They can't see, hear, or feel
you.They'll feel me when I get to
possessin'! possesses and starts beating .)Hey, what's going on? Quit it!/ : Yer'
gettin' what's comin' to ya', sonny,
that's it!Wow, this has never happened to
me before... gets out a
handbook and looks through it.)Ah, here it is. What to do when
your lost soul possesses a being... possesses and eats
/ .)/ Are you
ready to behave now?/ (From
inside
/ ) Yes. &
are transported to an empty city street.)Spirit, I think I've learned a
little. I can't believe I was such a darned
fool that I never knew there were people who loved me... even if
they
thought I was an
ignorant fool. Well, I'm not quite sure that I'm not one now.I'm glad you've learned
something.Now, please, don't let the next
spirit come. I don't want to see the future.
Please, just take me home.I can't do that, Cranky.Please.It's just protocol.I'll do anything.I'm sorry.Well, at least I'll get a good
night's sleep. walks by
and his watch beeps.)I
wish I could stop this freaking thing! It still keeps beeping even when
I'm not writing episodes! checks 's
watch.)Uh-oh... looks like time flies
when you're possessing people.What?It's time.No, not yet! disappears.)David: And so, the Spirit of Christmas Present disappeared into the night. An eerie cold was brought in, and Cranky became more frightened than he ever was in his life. Out from the cold stepped... walks
up to .)Hey, ya' stupid monkey thing.Spirit of Christmas Future?Are you crazy? I'm Dennis Leary
of ABC's The Job.What? Oh, now I'm relieved...
though it doesn't make much sense.Sorry to worry you again, but
yeah, I am taking the position of the Spirit
of Christmas Future tonight. The regular guy was out meeting
Death.
It's actually
pretty cool, because those two guys are a lot alike, and it'll be fun
to
see what they think of together... anyway, he was supposed to show you
your tombstone and such, but you know what, what good does it do to see
that? You know you're going to die anyway.So I can go home?No way. I'm going to show you
what it's like when you die. I'll show you
how pathetic a being you really are. Come with me. walks into
a black vortex with . They appear at 's house. Everyone
is celebrating.)What could cause such
celebration when poor Wario has died?They're seriously cheering over
the death of a family member?The old man is dead! Alright!
Now maybe we can finally live on this island
in peace!You know, I actually think I'm
going to miss him.Really?No!That really shows the spirit
there. They lost a loved one, and they're
still celebrating because you died! C'mon, we've got more... & appear at a graveyard, full of
tombstones.)You said you wouldn't show my
death.Oh, I won't. These are the
tombstones of many first time authors. They
all died of frostbite when the second author's complex didn't
have
enough money for
a new heater. Here's the sweet part... is standing
with &  )How
could this happen? We let all these people die.Who cares? C'mon, H, that's
a little morbid.Guys, Cranky told me a long
time ago, why should we have all these new
authors? There's too many. It's a blessing that they've all died.
Besides,
it saves me time in HTMLizing eps.H Cuz would never say something
like that!Oh, he does often, he just
hides it when he talks to people online... er,
and it's because of you're crankiness. Now, c'mon, we've
got
other stuff to see,
too... & appear at ComicCon.)Why in the world are we at this
geek-fest?After BOTVGH got really
popular, a bunch of people started to sell stuff
they got from trips to the island. Yeah, BOTVGH gets real popular
without
you to bring it down. behind a counter with lots of BOTVGH
stuff.)Kevin Smith: Hey, aren't you that guy from BOTVGH? Wait, wait, wait, wait... Kevin
Smith?David: What's wrong with Kevin Smith? He would never be a fan of
BOTVGH. I wouldn't have even done this show
if you didn't kidnap my kid and give me that ransom note.David: C'mon... Please, just make it a little
more accurate.David: Fine. walks by.)Hey, aren't you that guy from
BOTVGH?Yes I am. No, quiet Meowth, I
am! Watch me throw you through a table!Whatchu talkin' 'bout, UDX? &
laugh.)Why is Gary Coleman at ComicCon?Security.Oh.What kind of stuff do you have
here?Well, we just acquired Cranky
Kong's wardrobe from the island.They took my clothes?I'll give you a nickel for it.A NICKEL?Uh, come on, let's go...Actually, sir, that costs $27.But all I have is the nickel.Ohhhh.That would've worked a lot
better if we left when I wanted to.Listen, Mr. Leary, I understand
that all these people are happy that I
died, but guess what? I expected for them to! We're enemies! I already
know that they don't like me!So, no one likes you, eh?Nope.C'mon, Crank, I've got one last
place to show you. & appear at 's house. Everyone is partying.)Alright, finally the old dude's
dead! Now I can... uh... alright, the old
dude's dead!You thought your family loved
you, didn't you?... shut up. & walk up to & .)I'm sorry if all this is making
you feel bad.You know, Candy, even if
Nintendo and Rare have mixed me up about what
relationship I had with Cranky, I did love him as a father. Do you think
he
ever loved me? Do
you think he ever did things with me? He never played catch with me. He
never watched TV with me. He never even taught me anything except a
couple
math lessons, and that was just for another of his video games. The
point
is, I always loved Cranky. He just never even wanted
me.That's not true, Donkey! I love
you, too, son!It's too late, Cranky. If you
haven't noticed, we're at a little cremating
party. walks over
to a coffin with confetti and the words 'GOOD RIDDENS, OLD TIMER'
written
on it. It slowly goes into a fire. He suddenly appears inside the
coffin.)No! Let me out! I'm sorry! I'll
celebrate Christmas! I'll be with my friends!
Please, don't let this happen! appears in
his home again.)Save me! Save... hey... what's
going on? I'm... I'm home! I'm home! looks out
the window of his house and sees Kris T. Alien.)Hey, what're you doing out
there?Kris: It's warmer out here than in the New Author's Apartments. Oh, just wait a second... runs outside.)Kris: I'm sorry, sir, I'll leave, please don't hurt me! Hurt you? Why would I do that?
Say, what day is it?Kris: Are you kidding? It's Christmas Day. Christmas Day? They did it all
in one night? They did it all in one night!
Of course they did!Kris: Who? The spirits!Kris: Riiight. Do you see these spirits right now? This is no time for talk of
politics; do you know where Kirby's Food Shack
is? What am I saying, of course you do, look at your size!Kris: Hey! Anyway, do you know the large
turkey in the window?Kris: You mean the one that's as big as me? No, my boy, that would feed
millions.Kris: That offends me. Oh, I don't care. Now, go and
buy it, and deliver it to Mario's house...
but don't tell him who sent it! runs off.)Kris: That old man has gone off his rocker... but seeing as I have nothing else to do, I'll do as he says. runs he
bumps into .)Oh, what do you want?I want do donate some money for
the heater.Really?Why not? It's Christmas!How much? whispers
something in 's ear.)Cranky, it doesn't help when
you whisper the word 'something' into my ear.Oh, right. whispers
"$1,000" in 's ear.)That's enough for a heater and
some nice Bermuda Grass... not that I'm
into that kind of stuff. runs to 's
house and knocks on the door.)Who is it?It's me!Funky, don't impersonate Cranky.I'm right here, dude. opens the door.)Cranky!Donkey, I want you to know that
I'm proud of you. You became a big video
game hero without my help. I've been a really dead beat dad to
you.
I just hope you
can forgive me.Thanks... dad.I love you more than any other
son I've ever had! &
hug.)David: So, Cranky & DK were finally a real father and son again. Not a fake one like Machauley Culkin and his dad. Cranky stayed for an hour with the Kong Klan. It was a wonderful party. Wonderful party!David: The most wonderful party he'd ever attended in his life. Most wonderful party I've ever
attended in my life.David: Great food. Great food.David: Great people. Great people.
David: Cranky had never had more fun in his entire life. Wonderful party!David: Finally, Cranky told them that he had to go to the Mario home because he needed to speak to them. walks into 's house.)Cranky, you can't just barge in
here.Mario, I've seen the way you
work, and looking at your paycheck, I've decided
that I didn't like it one bit!Cranky, don't do this in front
of my family.I'll do it alright! Mario,
you're getting... winces.)A raise.What?I'm trippling your paycheck.
And, that doesn't even include the money I'm
going to spend on helping Wario's foot to get better.What
the heck is wrong with my foot? appears.)Hey, uh, actually, I made that
thing up for more sympathy. Sorry. disappears.
Everyone is still staring at . Kris comes in with a large
turkey.)Hey look, it's food!David: And so, Cranky did celebrate Christmas. He no longer felt alone, and he did more things with his son. And what's more, he was never mean to any people at BOTVGH again. Wait a minute, who are you,
Dreyfus X?David: But... Listen, alright, I learned
about the Christmas spirirt. CHRISTMAS
spirit. Not the Everyday Spirit.So, Cranky, I guess since
you're not so cranky anymore...Bite me, Jumpman.What? hits
with his cane.)Ow! What was that for?What was it for, Jumpman? For
being an idiot. farts and
the scene freeze frames on him in an embarrassed look.) |
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This has been a BOTVGH Production (c). All video game characters are copyright their respective companies. This episode belongs to the BOTVGH Archive and the author.