"Battle Of The Video Game Heroes" Proudly Presents:
 "A Muppet, Er, BOTVGH Christmas Carol"
by: David Smith (formerly Squirtlesaur2k)
Top Row:
Cranky, DK, Mario, H Cuz, Wrinky, Cow, Toad, King Kong, Rizzo

Middle Row:
Gonzo, Yoshi, Peach, Diddy Kong, Dennis Leary, Gary Coleman, Candy Kong, Wario, and Luigi

Bottom Row:
Swanky Kong, Young Cranky, Funky Kong, Young Wrinkly, Braden, David123, Ian Pugh, Dan

Not pictured:
Kris T. Alien, Starr Jones, Jacob Marley, Kevin Smith, and David (Smith)

David: Wrinkly was dead. Dead as a doornail... or as dead as a doornail could get, it being an inanimate object. However, Wrinkly had once not been an inanimate object, which would make her biotic while the doornail is abiotic, therefore making them unconparable, so let us just say that she was dead. Dead she was. You must remember this, or no good will come of the tale which I am about to relate. Cranky Kong had opened a Christmas Tree shop to get some extra money. The reason he wanted the money could only be seen as greed, for he was too cranky, as his name suggests, to buy any friends or family presents. As it happened, the tale I'm going to tell happened on none other date than Christmas Eve. Cranky was in his office counting money, while Mario sold trees out in the snow...

Ah, how I love the money. Sweet, sweet money! Sweeter even than Campbell's soup, the finest soup there is!

Starr Jones: Mmm hmm, you know that, girlfriend! And tomorrow we gonna' have...

(Starr keeps going on as looks at her oddly.)

Where the heck did she come from?

Announcer: Campbells, Mmm Mmm Good! And watch the View, every morning on ABC!

David: Sorry, Cranky, we had to get sponcors to pay the bills.

I'm not upset because of her, I'm upset because I don't have any delicious Tostino's Pizza Rolls. They're America's favorite snack!

( walks into 's office.)

Hi, dad... or grand-dad, I'm not sure, I was never really clear on that.

What? I'd been under the impression that I was your nephew!

Oh well, whatever the matter, I was wondering if you and Zelda would come to have dinner with the family.

Why would I spend time with the family, or Zelda on Christmas?

Well, Christmas is supposed to be a time to be with your families, and well, unknown family member, Zelda's your wife.

Bah, all she's done since we got married is nag. "Cranky, take out the garbage" "Cranky, mow the lawn" "Cranky, stop looking at those magaizines."

Come on, are you telling me you want to be all alone for Christmas?

If I had my way, anyone with a Merry Christmas on their face would be pile drived, then force-fed figgy pudding while I throw wreaths at Jumpman's big stupid butt!


Oh, um, nothing...

Well, look, at least I asked. We'll be ready if you do decide to come. Merry Christmas, Cranky.

Bah humbug!

( sighs.)

No, really, there's a humbug on you.


( swats the humbug off and exits. As he exits, enters.)

Can't anyone leave me alone?

Cranky, me and some of the other authors are going around collecting money for a new heater to put in the second Author's Apartment Complex. A lot of them there are new to the island, and they've had to go through the cold nights.

Bah humbug.

( gets out some bug spray and sprays it.)

We're infested with them.

Ah, well, anyway, how much can I put you down for?


Come on, Cranky, why not?

Why not? That is the question you ask, and this is my answer...

Do you really have to say that?

It's in the script.

Man, this is a stupid script...

David: Hey, I'm working from Dickens here.

( & start to laugh.)

David: What's so funny about Dickens... oh, I get it!

(David joins in the laughter.)

Oh... anyway, my answer: If those authors are so cold, then they should crowd into the first Author's Apartment Complex.

But Cranky, there'd be hardly any room to breath.

Good, then maybe we'd lose some of these stupid authors. Do you have any idea what a falling cow feels like on a back already plagued with  osteoperosis?

Fine, Cranky, don't give any money. But let's just see if your secret Santa gives you anything good this year.

I didn't sign up for secret Santas because I hate Christmas.

Oh... well, then, uh... you suck!

( leaves. enters.)

Don't you just love how everything happens on cue in episodes?

Uh, sure. Cranky, I don't think anyone else is coming tonight, I'm going to go ahead and pack up. I guess we'll do this again next year.

Next year? Who said we were stopping now?

It's Chritsmas Eve now.

So, we'll sell them as New Year's trees!

Fine, I'll see you after Christmas.

No way, you'll see me tomorrow morning, Jumpman!

Cranky, it's Christmas! Are you crazy?

Shut up, you Big Helium Dog!

Please, Cranky, just because you're a big angry old fart doesn't mean other people don't have families. No one will be here anyway.

... fine. But be here fifteen minutes earlier the next morning!

Thanks, Cranky, even though I would've kicked your arse if you said no.

( exits.)

David: And so, Cranky locked up the office, and he went to his home. As he had told Donkey Kong, he lived away from his own wife, Zelda. While she stayed in her own house, Cranky stayed in a huge mansion next to the BOTVGH Newsroom. No one ever came to visit him... except for Ivytoise2001 when he needed some sugar. Not that kind of sugar, sicko. Cranky came to the door to see an unusual sight.

( looks at the doorknocker and sees it change into the face of Jacob Marley.)

Marley: Scooooo... wait, who the heck are you?

Cranky Kong.

Marley: Oh man, wrong house again!

(Jacob Marley's face disappears and is replaced by 's.)



( walks inside.)

David: Cranky walked inside. The house was dim, dark, and cold, just the way Cranky liked it.

Like it? I love it.

David: Only Kris and I are going to get that joke, so don't worry if you didn't. Cranky retired to his bedroom and changed into sleeping clothes.  He was ready to get into bed, until he heard a loud sound as if there were chains being dragged across the floor. He remembered that back in the good ol' days, there were talks of ghosts appearing after sounds of chains.  He also remembered that in the good ol' days there was talks of robots being possessed by demons.

( appears to .)


Hello, Cranky.

I... I don't believe you.

You don't believe me? Do you not believe what you see before you?

No, because there has to be some logical explanation. That WarioShady feller coulda' given me some o' them shrooms by accident.

( touches .)

I assure you I am very real.

Okay, okay, fine. So, wanna' make out?

Cranky, you've remarried!

So? Zelda don't kiss like you did, baby! But her butt...

(A falls on .)

That's just not right. Well, if you're not back for more Cranky love, then why are you here?

I'm here to warn you. Do you know what I have to put up with for all eternity? I have to drag this chain around for my entire life! This chain I made in life...

I never saw you making any chain.

It's a metaphor, you idiot! Living with you made me grow stubborn, and hateful. Now, I have to wander this world forever, dragging this chain, and helping Donkey Kong with gameplay tips!

Listen, at least I have until I'm dead, right?

Oh, so you're going to be happy about having three months until you have to worry about this chain?

Three months? That's not right...

You will be visited by three spirits. The first will come at 12:00 tonight. The second will come the next night at 12:00. And the next will come on the next night at...


No, 10:00, he has a date at 12.

Why can't they all come at once?

I don't know, ask Charles Dickens.

(David & start to laugh.)

Oh, grow up. Be warned, if you do not learn from these spirits, you will have my fate... be warned... ( fades away.)

Bah, humbug. That's a big one.

( stomps the humbug.)


David: That night, Cranky lay awake in his bed. He couldn't get to sleep even if he wanted to. The bell tolled for 11:00. Cranky brought his watch over to hi  so he could see the time more clearly. A quarter past. Half past. A quarter 'til. Five minutes 'til. Suddenly, Cranky's room grew lighter. He got up from his bed to try and find the source of illumination.

What the heck is lighting up my freakin' room?

David: I think my way of saying it was better.

( walks up to )

Well, if it isn't the little mushroom idiot.


What're you doing here, Toad? I'm waiting for a spirit.

That would be me. The Spirit of Christmas Past.

How come you look like Toad?

Have you seen the budget, Cranky? We can't just get new people to play roles.

I see.

Well, come on. We've got to get to the past.

Like dinosaurs and stuff?

Your past... so yeah.

So, ya' think yer' funny, do ya'?

( whacks with his cane.)

Alright, that's it.

( pushes out of his window.)


( jumps out and catches . They start to fly.)

Dagnabbit, what's goin' on?

I told you, we're going to the past.

( & land at a school in Big Ape City.)

P.S. 112

You can't post-script if you're not writing a letter.

It's your school!

Oh, right. Yeah, I remember this.

It's Christmas, 1935. Everyone at school is leaving for vacation, except for one...


Have you really forgotten after all these years?

( & appear in the school. is sitting at his desk, writing away.)

That's... that's me!

Well, I wouldn't advertise that.

I always saw the Christmas vacation as a way to get ahead of the other kids. While they were at home doing their own Christmas rubbish, I was here, working away.

You never missed Christmas?

I never had anyone to spend Christmas with, dangit! My father kicked me out of the house when I turned 8.

You had no one to spend Christmas with, did you?

( walks in.)

Hello, um, Donkey?


I told my father about you not having anyone to spend Christmas with, and well... he said you could spend Christmas with our family.

... no. I have to stay here.

Please, Donkey. It's not right.

Go away! You're messing up my time for work.

( walks away.)

You had someone to spend Christmas with, Cranky. You had someone who loved you. You didn't miss out on the Christmas spirit, Cranky, you refused it!

You don't know what it's like.

We've got to go further now...

(A flash of light appears, and suddenly & are at a construction site next to a large building.)

Christmas, 1945.

This is the construction site I used to work at.

You remember it?

It was my first job. I threw barrels down from the top.

Wow, it looks like deja vu. Everyone else is inside that building, while you're still working away.

( looks in the building.)

Isn't anyone going to help me out here?

You really are pathetic, you know that?

Now, you shut up, 'shroom boy!

( whacks with his cane.)

I think it's funny how you fail to realize I'm not Toad, but a spirit that looks like him.

(A hole opens up under . He begins to fall, until he falls right back where he was.)

I hate you.

( runs out to .)

Donkey, what are you doing out here?

Trying to work.

Did you forget about the Christmas party?

I don't celebrate Christmas.

That's alright. Funky Goldstein is holding a Chanukah party on the 5th floor.

I don't celebrate any holiday.

Donkey, come in or your fired!

Fine, if it'll make you all happy.

( walks in with . comes up to him.)



You know, I had the biggest crush on you in school?


I don't know.

What is there to see in me? I'm a reject. That's why my dad kicked me out when I was 8.

Ah, so maybe your stubborn, cranky guy act is just to cover up your true feelings.

You just made up this crap. This never happened.

You can't block out memories being displayed to you right in front of your face, Cranky.

I can, and I will! Take me back home. There's nothing I can learn here.

We'll see...

( & appear at Fozziwig's.)

So, Rizzo, ya' see...

What in the world?

Yeah, yeah, Gonzo, this is cool!

Oh, sorry. There's so many of these Christmas spirit things, I get mixed up sometimes.

( & appear in a snowy park. & are there.)

Wrinkly, I know that I can act really mean and stubborn, but I would change it all... if you would marry me.

Oh, Donkey!

Let's see if you lived up to that promise...

( & appear at BOTVGH Island.)

Christmas 1999.

Hey, Jumpman, come here so I can hit you with my cane!

Yeah, you big fat loser!

Wrinkly became just like you. You never changed. You had to keep your cranky persona, because heaven forbid anyone ever know you had feelings.  Now, the woman you love is wandering the world forever bearing a huge chain. Does that even mean anything to you?!

... take me home.

One more memory.


( picks up his cane, and this time whacks so hard that he is smooshed into a puddle of white... almost like milk. stares down at it, and sees that it is milk, splattered on his floor.)

I'm back.

( gets into his bed.)

I ain't meeting these ghosts again. I'll be away come midnight tomorrow.


David: Cranky woke up from his bed and looked at his watch. It was... 11:45?  He wondered how he could've overslept. He got up out of the bed and pulled the drapes up off the window hoping to see daylight... but sadly there was none. It was as if he had slept all through one entire day. Becuase he had.  Perhaps the spirits had heard his plan, and they had played some trick to keep him in his bedroom.

( looks in the mirror to see shaving cream all over his face and notices he has wet his pants.)

David: Hey, I was right! It was a trick! I'm a good narrator! Otter! However it happened, he began to see a bright, colorful light from his kitchen. He walked closer to find a room covered with fruit, and a green dinosaur eating it.

( walks up to .)

Spirit of Christmas Present, I presume?


( spins his tongue out to grab a whole lot of fruit.)

So, you gonna' show me how to give gifts or something?

Present as in the time being.

Man, I wish Link had a part in this episode. I seem to be stupider than I usually am.

Well, let's go out and see what's happening this Christmas.

( & appear at the part of the island where are the character's homes are.)

Don't you just love Christmas? Oh wait, you don't, or I wouldn't be here.

Can we just get this over with?

Okay, let's see, what's on the list first... Mario's house.


( & appear in the house. is not yet there, but is already cooking. , , & are at the table.)

How long until dinner's ready?

Luigi, we aren't eating until at least Mario gets home!

Man, I wish he would hurry his sorry behind up.

Mario's sorry behind? You guys are regular people that decided to pretend to be Mario brothers. You shouldn't even be here!

Shut up.

Now, where did those grapes I had out go?

( licks his lips.)

I thought you guys weren't supposed to interfere with stuff.

... so?

( knocks on the door.)

Hey, there's Mario, now! Hide, Luigi, hide!

( hides behind a lamp post, but is still visible. opens the door. walks in, with on his back.)

He made you give him a piggy back again?

What's going on?

You remember when Wario named both of his feet?

Yeah, Tom and Tim.

Well, Tim has become quite tiny. If it finally dissentegrates, Wario will cease to live.

That doesn't make any sense though.

Neither does a UDX episode, but we're still in them!

How was Wario at church today?

Oh, as good as gold... and better. He told me he strangest thing, however.

What was that?

He said that he hoped people noticed him, because he was a cripple. He said that if they noticed him, they might give us money, and we could go trying to destroy pirates. Now, wait, where's Luigi?

He had to work on Luigi's Mansion 2.

On Christmas?

( jumps out at )

You idiot!

( throws a fireball at .)

Oh, sorry, man. I thought you were a ninja.

It's... alright.

Well, Christmas dinner is ready.

I want to make a toast. To Cranky, for having at least a kind enough heart to let me be with you all today.


Cranky may have let you off work today, but he's still making you work after Christmas!

Now, now...

Don't now now me! We ought to throw him off the island! Even Donkey hates him, he's just too afraid to tell him to his face!

Is that true?

We'll see.

It's Christmas, Peach.

Fine. I'll drink to him for Christmas. But he's still a big stupid monkey. Now, let's eat.

God bless us... aw, who cares, gimme' some chicken!

Come on.

Where we goin' now?

To your... uh... to... to Donkey Kong's house.

( & appear at 's house, in the kitchen.)

When is Cranky going to start coming to our Kong Khristmas Parties?

Do we have to call everything with a 'c' that sounds like a 'k' into a 'k'?

I guess not. Oh, look, the kasserole's ready.

Well, I asked Cranky, and he told me that he hated Christmas. I wasn't really expecting him to say yes, but I've got to ask him. I mean, he's in some way related to me, and most probably in my direct family.

( comes in.)

Hey, guys, come in the living room. We're about to play some games.

( & walk into the living room with . snaps his finger, and he & appear in the living room.)

What should we play?

Swanky's Strife!

Super Smash Brothers!

I know, let's play 'Yes or No'.

That sounds like it sucks.

No, come on. I'll pretend to be someone, and you guys have to ask me questions. I'll answer them yes or no until you figure out who I am. Okay, let's go.

Are you potty trained?

I used to be.

I'll bet it's Jumpman.

Are you an idiot?

... yes.

Definetely Jumpman.

I know who it is!




Why you...

( hits with his cane, but it goes right through him.)

Come on, Cranky, this is pretty basic stuff. They can't see, hear, or feel you.

They'll feel me when I get to possessin'!

( possesses and starts beating .)

Hey, what's going on? Quit it!

: Yer' gettin' what's comin' to ya', sonny, that's it!

Wow, this has never happened to me before...

( gets out a handbook and looks through it.)

Ah, here it is. What to do when your lost soul possesses a being...

( possesses and eats .)

Are you ready to behave now?

(From inside ) Yes.

( & are transported to an empty city street.)

Spirit, I think I've learned a little. I can't believe I was such a darned fool that I never knew there were people who loved me... even if they thought I was an ignorant fool. Well, I'm not quite sure that I'm not one now.

I'm glad you've learned something.

Now, please, don't let the next spirit come. I don't want to see the future. Please, just take me home.

I can't do that, Cranky.


It's just protocol.

I'll do anything.

I'm sorry.

Well, at least I'll get a good night's sleep.

( walks by and his watch beeps.)

I wish I could stop this freaking thing! It still keeps beeping even when I'm not writing episodes!

( checks 's watch.)

Uh-oh... looks like time flies when you're possessing people.


It's time.

No, not yet!

( disappears.)


David: And so, the Spirit of Christmas Present disappeared into the night.  An eerie cold was brought in, and Cranky became more frightened than he ever was in his life. Out from the cold stepped...

( walks up to .)

Hey, ya' stupid monkey thing.

Spirit of Christmas Future?

Are you crazy? I'm Dennis Leary of ABC's The Job.

What? Oh, now I'm relieved... though it doesn't make much sense.

Sorry to worry you again, but yeah, I am taking the position of the Spirit of Christmas Future tonight. The regular guy was out meeting Death. It's actually pretty cool, because those two guys are a lot alike, and it'll be fun to see what they think of together... anyway, he was supposed to show you your tombstone and such, but you know what, what good does it do to see that? You know you're going to die anyway.

So I can go home?

No way. I'm going to show you what it's like when you die. I'll show you how pathetic a being you really are. Come with me.

( walks into a black vortex with . They appear at 's house. Everyone is celebrating.)

What could cause such celebration when poor Wario has died?

They're seriously cheering over the death of a family member?

The old man is dead! Alright! Now maybe we can finally live on this island in peace!

You know, I actually think I'm going to miss him.



(All of the Mario family laughs.)

That really shows the spirit there. They lost a loved one, and they're still celebrating because you died! C'mon, we've got more...

( & appear at a graveyard, full of tombstones.)

You said you wouldn't show my death.

Oh, I won't. These are the tombstones of many first time authors. They all died of frostbite when the second author's complex didn't have enough money for a new heater. Here's the sweet part...

( is standing with & )

How could this happen? We let all these people die.

Who cares?

C'mon, H, that's a little morbid.

Guys, Cranky told me a long time ago, why should we have all these new authors? There's too many. It's a blessing that they've all died. Besides, it saves me time in HTMLizing eps.

H Cuz would never say something like that!

Oh, he does often, he just hides it when he talks to people online... er, and it's because of you're crankiness. Now, c'mon, we've got other stuff to see, too...

( & appear at ComicCon.)

Why in the world are we at this geek-fest?

After BOTVGH got really popular, a bunch of people started to sell stuff they got from trips to the island. Yeah, BOTVGH gets real popular without you to bring it down.

(Kevin Smith walks by with a huge posse and sees behind a counter with lots of BOTVGH stuff.)

Kevin Smith: Hey, aren't you that guy from BOTVGH?

Wait, wait, wait, wait... Kevin Smith?

David: What's wrong with Kevin Smith?

He would never be a fan of BOTVGH. I wouldn't have even done this show if you didn't kidnap my kid and give me that ransom note.

David: C'mon...

Please, just make it a little more accurate.

David: Fine.

(The scene rewinds. walks by.)

Hey, aren't you that guy from BOTVGH?

Yes I am. No, quiet Meowth, I am! Watch me throw you through a table!

Whatchu talkin' 'bout, UDX?

( & laugh.)

Why is Gary Coleman at ComicCon?



What kind of stuff do you have here?

Well, we just acquired Cranky Kong's wardrobe from the island.

They took my clothes?

I'll give you a nickel for it.


Uh, come on, let's go...

Actually, sir, that costs $27.

But all I have is the nickel.


That would've worked a lot better if we left when I wanted to.

Listen, Mr. Leary, I understand that all these people are happy that I died, but guess what? I expected for them to! We're enemies! I already know that they don't like me!

So, no one likes you, eh?


C'mon, Crank, I've got one last place to show you.

( & appear at 's house. Everyone is partying.)

Alright, finally the old dude's dead! Now I can... uh... alright, the old dude's dead!

You thought your family loved you, didn't you?

... shut up.

( & walk up to & .)

I'm sorry if all this is making you feel bad.

You know, Candy, even if Nintendo and Rare have mixed me up about what relationship I had with Cranky, I did love him as a father. Do you think he ever loved me? Do you think he ever did things with me? He never played catch with me. He never watched TV with me. He never even taught me anything except a couple math lessons, and that was just for another of his video games. The point is, I always loved Cranky. He just never even wanted me.

That's not true, Donkey! I love you, too, son!

It's too late, Cranky. If you haven't noticed, we're at a little cremating party.

( walks over to a coffin with confetti and the words 'GOOD RIDDENS, OLD TIMER' written on it. It slowly goes into a fire. He suddenly appears inside the coffin.)

No! Let me out! I'm sorry! I'll celebrate Christmas! I'll be with my friends! Please, don't let this happen!

( appears in his home again.)

Save me! Save... hey... what's going on? I'm... I'm home! I'm home!

( looks out the window of his house and sees Kris T. Alien.)

Hey, what're you doing out there?

Kris: It's warmer out here than in the New Author's Apartments.

Oh, just wait a second...

( runs outside.)

Kris: I'm sorry, sir, I'll leave, please don't hurt me!

Hurt you? Why would I do that? Say, what day is it?

Kris: Are you kidding? It's Christmas Day.

Christmas Day? They did it all in one night? They did it all in one night! Of course they did!

Kris: Who?

The spirits!

Kris: Riiight. Do you see these spirits right now?

This is no time for talk of politics; do you know where Kirby's Food Shack is? What am I saying, of course you do, look at your size!

Kris: Hey!

Anyway, do you know the large turkey in the window?

Kris: You mean the one that's as big as me?

No, my boy, that would feed millions.

Kris: That offends me.

Oh, I don't care. Now, go and buy it, and deliver it to Mario's house... but don't tell him who sent it!

( runs off.)

Kris: That old man has gone off his rocker... but seeing as I have nothing else to do, I'll do as he says.

(As runs he bumps into .)

Oh, what do you want?

I want do donate some money for the heater.


Why not? It's Christmas!

How much?

( whispers something in 's ear.)

Cranky, it doesn't help when you whisper the word 'something' into my ear.

Oh, right.

( whispers "$1,000" in 's ear.)

That's enough for a heater and some nice Bermuda Grass... not that I'm into that kind of stuff.

( runs to 's house and knocks on the door.)

Who is it?

It's me!

Funky, don't impersonate Cranky.

I'm right here, dude.

( opens the door.)


Donkey, I want you to know that I'm proud of you. You became a big video game hero without my help. I've been a really dead beat dad to you. I just hope you can forgive me.

Thanks... dad.

I love you more than any other son I've ever had!

( & hug.)

David: So, Cranky & DK were finally a real father and son again. Not a fake one like Machauley Culkin and his dad. Cranky stayed for an hour with the Kong Klan. It was a wonderful party.

Wonderful party!

David: The most wonderful party he'd ever attended in his life.

Most wonderful party I've ever attended in my life.

David: Great food.

Great food.

David: Great people.

Great people.
David: Cranky had never had more fun in his entire life.

Wonderful party!

David: Finally, Cranky told them that he had to go to the Mario home because he needed to speak to them.

( walks into 's house.)

Cranky, you can't just barge in here.

Mario, I've seen the way you work, and looking at your paycheck, I've decided that I didn't like it one bit!

Cranky, don't do this in front of my family.

I'll do it alright! Mario, you're getting...

( winces.)

A raise.


I'm trippling your paycheck. And, that doesn't even include the money I'm going to spend on helping Wario's foot to get better.

What the heck is wrong with my foot?

( appears.)

Hey, uh, actually, I made that thing up for more sympathy. Sorry.

( disappears. Everyone is still staring at . Kris comes in with a large turkey.)

Hey look, it's food!

David: And so, Cranky did celebrate Christmas. He no longer felt alone, and he did more things with his son. And what's more, he was never mean to any people at BOTVGH again.

Wait a minute, who are you, Dreyfus X?

David: But...

Listen, alright, I learned about the Christmas spirirt.  CHRISTMAS spirit. Not the Everyday Spirit.


So, Cranky, I guess since you're not so cranky anymore...

Bite me, Jumpman.


( hits with his cane.)

Ow! What was that for?

What was it for, Jumpman? For being an idiot.

(Everyone who was in the episode suddenly appears in the scene and laughs. farts and the scene freeze frames on him in an embarrassed look.)


This has been a BOTVGH Production (c). All video game characters are copyright their respective companies. This episode belongs to the BOTVGH Archive and the author.