 Postseason episode Cranky and Zelda Get Married: Part 1 by Matt Broussard |
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Postseason episode Cranky and Zelda Get Married: Part 1 by Matt Broussard |
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Row: Mario, Luigi, Wario, Peach, Toad, Bowser Bottom Row: Cranky Kong, Donkey Kong, Princess Zelda, Link, Samus Aran, Kirby Not Pictured: Martin Smith |
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--for
love, my dear.For
love? But what is love, my dear---than but a word? Surely love is not
the word. For the word love does not explain with justice the feeling
that------you
have for me?.............................Kiss
me, love of my heart!WHAT
KIND OF CRAP IS THIS?!Darn
pasta-gulpin' right this is an interruption!! What the heck is going
on here?!Whaddaya
mean what's goin' on here, Jumpman? I'm proposing to my dearest
love, the fair Princess Zelda! Here Princess.
hands her an engagement ring)Oh
WOW, an engagement ring! Thanks, Cranky!
kisses on his jawbone)Aw
shucks, Zeldy...you know I love you.What?!
and suddenly pop out of the
bushes)HOW?!Why?!LUIGI,
YOU----- I mean ---ahem! I did not hear Luigi and Bowser speaking....
I REPEAT.... I did not hear them speaking because I am the only one out
here, and we were not spying on you.We
were not.That's
the truth.Uh....yes....yes,
it is.The
reason we're here is......we came to bring you bread.Bread!Where's
the bread?Umm......RUN!!Me
and Zelda are gettin' hitched, Jumpman!But....but.....Think
back to earlier in the season......waaaaay earlier in the season.Hmmm................
the farthest back I can remember is that time that
you and Yoshi were almost sacrificed to the volcano because you didn't
shave. And I'm not even sure if that was this season....It
wasn't.Really?Yes.
It never happened, actually.It
didn't?NO!Oh.
thinks waaaaay back)I
do seem to remember something.......... at some sorta ceremony..... you
mentioned something about getting engaged to Zelda in a shocking
cliffhanger
episode... didn't you?Yep,
only it's not a cliffhanger, is it Zelda?No,
dear fat plumber of Peach Toadstool's, Cranky and I are getting
married.....
in 2 days!!I
told you it'd be shocking!!But--but--but---but---but-'s cabin)But--but--but--but---------He
was like this all night, Link. Only you can get him out of it.......
beat him up, or remind him about the upcoming Zelda: Mask of Majora,
and
remind him that his popularity is diminishing.WHAT
DID YOU SAY, LUIGI?!Thanks
anyway, Link.Aw
man, I never get to beat Mario up..... everybody else has at some time
or another! I could've beaten you right out of that trance!What
trance?The
trance in which you were saying "but" repeatedly.But--but--but
why was I saying "but"?Well,
because it seems that my fair maiden Zelda has decided to get married
to Cranky, Mario.BUT
THIS IS BOTVGH, YOU CAN'T GET MARRIED ON BOTVGH!!That's
it, Mario..... I've had it with you telling everybody on the island
what can't be done in a BOTVGH episode!In
the last Christmas special it was about us saying @$%#&. You
INSISTED
that no one on the island could say @$%#& but you!!But.....Darn
it, Mario, if Princess Zelda my arch-nemesis wants to get married
to Cranky Kong, let them---Oh
my goodness........... Princess Zelda my arch-nemesis is getting
married
before I DO?!Uh...
yes.NOOOOOOOO!!!!Now
look what you've done. Why'd you say yes, Mario? You could've lied
and said no.NOOOOOOOO!!!!But
lying is wrong, Toad. Say no to drugs, be cool, stay in school, and
help McGruff take a bite out of crime while wearing your seat belt!What
are you doing, Mario?!Shh!
I'm trying to ruin the episode by sneaking educational content in
it.How's
that gonna help?By
the time it gets to the part where the wedding begins, everybody will
be smart enough to stop reading the episode!NOOOOOOOO!!!!Wow,
Mario! That's genius!I
know, I know....THAT
CAN'T HAPPEN IN A BOTVGH EPISODE!! Everybody except ,
who is busy giving tips for street safety: CAN IT?!Martin Smith: Hi. I'm Martin Smith. I have here with me The Book of BOTVGH Rule and Code. Is
that........ THE Book of BOTVGH Rule and Code?!Martin Smith: Yes...the very same one that I keep in my desk. It is filled with wisdom throughout the ages, and--- Just
get on with it!!Martin Smith: I quote from page 8, paragraph 4 section 2d....... Martin Smith: Ahem! "If any two BOTVGH characters doth wish a marriage upon the island, let not the powers stop them, that is, if not it is agreed that the marriage hereafter would produceth several scenes which art comical."
and smile)Martin Smith: "Furthermore, thou cursed swine of envy, how thou maketh us suffer....begone!" ........................Uh.....what
was that last part about?Martin Smith: Oh, uh.... old text for a report on Shakespeare I had to write a long time ago........ heh. Martin Smith: Later, everybody..don't wanna stick around too long because uh..... it's getting very ugly. YOU!!!Everybody: WHO?! YOU!!!Why,
by any chance... ME?YOU!!!
gets face-to-face with )Some
way or another, Zelda.... I'm gonna ruin this....Just
try.You're
just doing this so you can get married before me, eh?! EH?!I
believe it says somewhere in the rule book that the only characters
allowed
to say "eh" are me and Wario.Shut
up!
appears for a brief moment)That's
cuz I'm the funny childhood-rival of Mario who's as greedy as he
is silly!!And
I'M everyone's worst nightmare---the annoying old antagonist!EH,
Wario?EH,
Cranky?and , together, proudly: EH!!Eh?Two
princesses can play the wedding game, Zelda. JUST WATCH ME.Wario,
you're coming with me!Eh?!
grabs and drags him off into
the jungle)But---but---In
situations like this, I usually know who to kidnap. This is not one
of those situations.I'd
say you shouldn't kidnap anybody! Bah!Wh-w-what
did you say?Jumpman,
why bother capturing damsels in distress..... when you can have
your very own?
kisses )Everybody: ................ You
mean...you don't feel like kidnapping any damsels in distress?Nope,
not anymore. Why should I, when I have my lovely, soon-to-be-my-bride
Zelda here?Tee-hee!I'm
going to lose my lunch soon. Anyone want it?CRANKY!!
Come on........ surely you must wanna kidnap my girlfriend....
RIGHT?!Nah.(thinks
really hard) Come on... gotta think of a girl..... aren't many
girls on this island........Samus?
Come on, Samus..... you need rescuing........ don't you?!
glares at )(mutters)
Play along....OH
WOE IS ME........... for I am so helpless, for I am so female......
and being female I am just SOOOO helpless.... I just hope that I am not
kidnapped by a ferocious ape, a ferocious ape that dominates this
cursed
island which I am upon. For the fact that this island is cursed and
dominated
by ferocious beasts such as barrel-throwing apes..........for
that fact, I am indeed doomed.... for I am helpless. And female.
Did I mention that I was female? Oh yes, I am a person who is female
and
rather attractive, so I am just so helpless. I just hope I am not
captured
by a ferocious ape, but woe, it is likely..... me being female and all..................................................... expects
to either instantly kidnap ,
or bust)..................Dagnabbit,
if you're so helpless, why do you own a space combat suit?!Uh......Stupid
kids these days, don't even know enough to take advantage of their
space combat suits..... WHY, back in MY day, when we found a space
combat
suit... you bet your lucky stars we knew what to do with it!Mama-mia,
Cranky..........can this actually be?Cranky,
you CAN'T get married! You're Donkey Kong, the ORIGINAL Donkey
Kong.....Huh...
I'M the original DK, I'm all 64-bit an' everything, so.... HUH,
look at me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!Everybody: SHUT UP, THIS IS A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME CRANKY AND MARIO EMOTIONAL MOMENT!! ...........I'm
sorry.Remember
how we got started together?Heh...
boy, do I ever.You
were my pet ape. You and I, pal, were the best of pals, pal, the best
of pals.Are
you saying we were pals?Yes.
We were pals.I
do seem to remember something like that.It
was back when I was a carpenter.... I was doing interior work on a
cargo
boat that was sailing this very ocean....REALLY?Heh...yes,
Link, really. Who's the man? Who's the man, everybody?It's
certainly not you.Samus,
you can't insult anyone else!! You can only be mean to me, remember?Oh,
yeah. Sort of a verbal contract-thing, right?Exactly.
freezes with an ice beam)Why,
back in those days, most any girl would fall over and die at the sight
of my hipness! When I laid them disco moves, the honeys just melted
like
putty!Ugh....I
think I can still muster up a bit of disco jive-ness...anyone care to
see me dance?Everybody: NO!!!! Mario.......
at the risk of sounding cliché.... disco died, Mario.
I know it's sad... but it's over!Nooooooooooooooooo!!
It's a conspiracy.... they WANT US to think it's dead...
but NO, the funk lives on!!I'm
sorry, Mario.Whatever!
Continuing on with the flashback......Screaming Sailor: Oh Disco-Daddy----save us PLEASE!!  Mama-mia,
honeys...let's lay down the funk, shall we?
There weren't any women aboard that ship, and you know it, Mario!Shut
up! Yes there were......and they all really dug my hipness!"Dug
your hipness?" THAT'S IT, MARIO! If disco isn't dead, I'm gonna KILL
it!That
ain't jive, clive!AAAAAAUUUUGGHH!!!
runs away)Jumpman....
I don't mean to complain about the story. I mean, it's our
history! The youngsters here could stand a good round of history! Dang
64-bitters, I'm glad you're all listenin' to the story! Serves you
right,
complainin' about your doggone polygons all day! "Oh, woe is me, my
mega-pixels
aren't small enough!" Bah!But,
eh, the thing is.... you got stranded here, and I don't remember any
survivors but you.Uh......
um, uh.....DARE
YOU QUESTION MY MEMORY?!OK!
So I didn't save the ship....the rest of the crew I guess just floated
towards the nearby island, I dunno! Just lemme tell you the rest of
story,
huh? Mama-mia!Day
2: Captain's log. I am currently making a boat out of bananas, while
talking to a screwdriver, which is really Captain Kirk's recording
device.
Really.Day
3: Captain's log. There seems to be no end to the Captain Kirk
hallucinations.
The banana boat sunk, so I sent Spock to investigate.Day
4: Captain's log. Spock has not returned. I am debating with a seashell
on whether I should get a life or not. I'm honestly beginning to scare
myself, and am hoping to re-gain some of my sanity in this bush that
I'm
sitting in. The clam, though silent, is calling me crazy.Clam: .................. These
are strange days aboard the Enterpise.
smiles)"Comfort
and blessed sanity"?! Mario, portable 8-tracks didn't exist back
then!! In fact, as far as I know, they never did!Shut
up, yes they did, you uhh...just weren't looking at the time. That's
all.Man,
this song is just so funky that it funks the funkiest funk that was
ever funked.FUNK-A-DELICATION!!!!AAAAAUGGH!!
OW!!What's
wrong with you?! Unngh!!WHAT'D
YOU CALL ME?!Unngh!!Heheheheh...You
could've said "no"!You
stupid monkey!!(throws
barrel at his head)You're
an idiot!!(throws
barrel at his head)Sailor: Oh LOOK, it's Disco Daddy Mario! And
that's the story of how I met you. You already knew it, but for the
sake of plot convenience, I let everyone else know!!So
I got you off this stupid island, I fed you, brought you to Brooklyn,
and what happened?Heh....
I kidnapped your girlfriend!Yeah,
you kidnapped Pauline..... gosh, those were the days.We
go preeetty far back, old pal...... can it be that you'll be married--
be OFFICIALLY be out of the kidnapping business?.................................Can
it really be?...................................................
sheds a tear)..............Yes.NOOOOOOO!!!WAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!You
stupid old monkey!!Jumpman!!I'M
SO SICK OF YOU CALLING ME THAAAAAAAAAT!!!!Take
it from a fellow nemesis-to-Mario, Crank....he's really serious this
time.Mama-mia
Bowser, are you on my side?Umm.....
well, no.... I..... uh....... ummm....... I was simply.. BWAHAHAHAH!!
I reeeallly tricked you this time, Mario, you dummy!!! You're really
dumb!
You're really dumb, and uh........ you're stupid too!!! Hahahahah!!I
didn't know you cared, Bowser!!NOOOOOO!!As
for me, I've been caring about you for years, Jumpman! Got a few
barrels
here to prove it!AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!.....Would
you really like me to stop calling you Jumpman?.............YES!!TOO
BAD!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!The
next three days are gonna be lovely.
and are sitting under the
porch of 's Cabin)Sigh....What's
wrong, Mario?Sigh.....Sigh,
huh? Sigh happens. It's usually a subconscious exhaling of some past
event that was never forgotten, as much as it may want to be........................HOW?!I'm
a Dream Master, Mario-- it's my business to know all of this stuff!!Seriously?Of
course! You can't live in a world of dreams and clouds without
understanding
the deep, dark corners of the mind, silly!You
can't?Of
course not.... well, there are a couple of exceptions. There are some
people who don't understand ANYTHING like that no-good dummy King
Dedede..........
ooooooh!(being
sarcastic) Oh no, you're not going to get angry, are you Kirby?Just
thinking about that stinky-poo-poo diaper-head Dedede makes me so
mad! He's dumb! He's dumb and he's an idiot!Oh
gosh, REALLY?! He's dumb AND he's an idiot at the same time?!Yes!
Yes, isn't it unbelievable?! And you wanna know what I think?What?I
think I really, really don't like him very much at all.Oh
my gosh, not AT ALL?! Goodness me!! Just don't get TOO angry, Kirby.
I wouldn't want to see you hurt him with your insults, or anything.....
but still, you're right, he's sure got a lot of nerve being a dummy AND
an idiot AT THE SAME TIME!!Don't
worry, I never get REALLY angry, Mario. You can't live in a world
of dreams and clouds while understanding the deep, dark corners of the
mind, and still be able to get REALLY angry! Silly Mario! I just like
to
help people....to help people
like--Sigh.
Lemme guess--like Jimmy the Thanksgiving Ham helped you get over
your stress, RIGHT?Gasp!
You know JIMMY?Oh
suuure! Remember last Christmas?Oh
yeah!..............................................................................................OK,
out of curiousity...... now don't tell anyone I asked you this, Kirby,
but..... uhh.... how's the ham doing, anyway?Just
great, Mario! Now he's living in Colorado, has a decent job, and just
got married last week!!Great.....
a talking, old green pig meat with a bride.Sigh........Really,
Mario, what's wrong? Have you been having nightmares? I can give
you a good dream!Really?Sure!
It's one of the many over-looked aspects of my character!! As well
as the fact that I understand everyone's darkest fears! I can take your
bad, poo-poo fears and throw 'em out the window so you can be all happy
like a sponge!Like
a sponge?LIKE
A WET SPONGE! Wet sponges! Wet sponges! Hooray! (
claps)......Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............You.....don't......like
sponges?I
use them to clean spaghetti plates, Kirby.Then
you're part of the Global Sponge Fan Network as well! Hooooraaaay
for Mario!! YAY!!Sigh...So....could
you be worked into upcoming episodes as sort of therapist for
anyone who's about to lose their sanity due to ridiculous situations
like
the one I'm in, where my old friend/nemesis is getting married to
someone
who happens to be Peach's arch-rival?Sure,
if any writers wanna do something like that, it's a possibility!
Hint, hint, hint!!How
much is the writer paying you to plant these subliminal messages into
the heads of innocent BOTVGH writers anyway?He's
paying me lots!! Here's one of my own subliminal messages, only said
backwards: Hgvtob no retcarahc tselooc eht ybrik ma I!!Wait'll
you see the effects of that one---HEHEHEH.....HEH! HEHEHEH!
stares at , who is laughing
maniacally under the moonlit sky)Heheheheh!
HEHEHEHEHEHEH!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
sees stare at him)........................................................uh.......Um,
ok. I'll stop now. Where were we?I
think I was sighing.Oh,
OK.Sigh......What
did I say at this part?I
think you asked me what's wrong.Didn't
that lead into a conversation about the dangers of driving over
snakes in Arizona?Not
that I remember!Do
we have lives?Absolutely
not! I had my life checked by a doctor last year...turns out
I've been dead since the day I got stuck on this island with Luigi!!The
VERY DAY?The
very day.The
VERY, VERY DAY?The
VERY day.Hmm......where
were we?I
think I was sighing....sigh....What's
wrong, Mario?Wait
a minute---I didn't say "what's wrong"...I think I said "how's it
going"?No,
I'm pretty sure you said "what's wrong".Are
you sure?I'm
positive.Really
positive.....................YES,
I'M POSITIVE.................Sigh.........What's
wrong, Mario?AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHH!!Why
are you screaming, Mario?!BECAUSE
THE "CONVERSATION" IS GOING IN CIRCLES, AND IT ALL LEADS BACK TO
YOU ASKING ME WHAT'S WRONG, AND EVERYONE'S SLEEPING RIGHT NOW BUT US,
AND-------wait
a minute, why am I yelling?Hmmm.....I
think something might be wrong. What is it, Mario?Y-y-you
REALLY WANNA KNOW WHAT'S WRONG...heh.....heheheheh?!Of
course, Mario!! I care!!NOBODY
CAN GET MARRIED ON BOTVGH!!BESIDES
that!!Well......It
has to do with the rivalry between Zelda and Peach..... Peach got so
mad earlier that she dragged Wario off into the jungle.The
thing is, she wants to MARRY him just so she can get married before
Zelda!!I
don't get it.....she could marry anyone....why'd she grab Wario?! After
all these years, why not me?'s relation to him really
mean much to ? Find out in
part 2!)Uh,
no, there is no part two. It's a single-part episode.Well
you're not my favorite writer.Great!!
You deserve it for all those lousy Christmas specials!@#$&%!!
slowly blinks his eyes open, having been unconscious since yesterday)............................ Hi,
Wario....
is in a sparkly wedding gown).............................EH? is going to get MARRIED
to , 's
old rival, for the sake of being married before
gets married? Maybe she always thought he was kinda cute, but will she
go THIS far to get one step ahead of ?!
And what about ? Who cares
about him?! I say this should be a two-parter. Why should you wait for
part two, you ask? Well, just look at all the exciting action you'll
find
in the next episode:)Scene from the next episode: Grass: .......................... Trees: ......................... Wind: ....................... Blah. |
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This episode belongs to the BOTVGH Archive
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