Hey everyone. It's me, Kyle Orland. Remember me? I'm the one who founded Super Mario Bros. Headquarters and ran it for four years. What? You don't remember me? You want to know where Jay is? I assure you, Jay is all right. I'm feeding him regularly and untying him for one bathroom break a day, uh... er.... I mean he's on vacation. He went to sunny Aculpulco for Spring Break. He sends his love.
Anyway, when I said I was leaving the web site and letting Jay take over the webmastership, that was just a cover. I really just needed to take the time off to put together the brand new Super Monkey Ball Head Quarters!. Just as Super Mario Bros. HQ was the ultimate source for Mario media and information, so will Super Monkey Ball HQ be your one stop shop for all you monkey rolling needs.
I know this sudden change has confused many of you, so I've taken the liberty of preparing a handy little SMBHQ re-launch FAQ for you all.
Q: So what's the deal? Why abandon Mario? Why Super Monkey Ball?
A: To tell you the truth, I've gotten a little sick of Mario and Nintendo. I mean there's only so much you can write about a pudgy little plumber and his whiny brother. After 4 1/2 years of obsession, I was reaching my breaking point. The last straw was when I heard that there wouldn't be a real Mario game ready for the American launch of the GameCube. Luigi's Mansion was an OK game, but failed to capture the wonder I felt when I opened my Nintendo 64 and Super Mario 64. I tried to keep the faith and wait patiently for Mario Sunshine, but then a little, 2-inch yellow-and-blue GameCube disc got in the way.
I bought Super Monkey Ball on a whim when I pre-ordered my GameCube. I thought it would be a nice diversion to play for a few hours while I waited for Super Smash Bros. and Pikmin. Then I started playing it. And kept playing it. And played it some more. I couldn't get enough. The hypnotic spell of the rolling monkeys had claimed me. I was a Super Monkey Addict. I shunned other games and even social and academic responsiblities just to get to that next elusive expert mode level. When friends came to visit, I made them face me in Monkey Target and Monkey Golf (I always won, of course). I didn't care about Mario anymore. Everything was Monkey Ball!
Q: What's going to happen to Super Mario Bros. HQ?
A: I don't really care. Jay can take it and put it on some other space, but from now on, SMBHQ.com will be devoted to Super Monkey Ball. Any of the current SMBHQ staffers who want to help me start this new site are welcome to.
Q: You know Super Monkey Ball is made by Sega, right?
A: Yes I do, and that's one of the reasons I like it so much. I've grown tired of Nintendo's constantly broken promises and haphazard release dates. It doesn't help that they make repetitive, copycat games that are easy enough for 8-year-olds to beat in an hour. Sega knows how to make innovative, challenging games with an adult edge! Now that they're out of the hardware business, they can take their place as the best third-party developer in the world!
A: To you Nintendo-worshipping fools it might seem like that, but hopefully, with the help of the new SMBHQ, you'll see the light.
Q: How can you abandon your loyal fans like this?
A: My loyal fans can go suck a lemon for all I care. Maybe now that Super Mario Bros. HQ is gone they'll realize they've been wasting their lives on a stupid, lame mascot that can't hold a candle to the magnetic personality of Aiai.
Q: What sections will be on the new SMBHQ?
A: The same type of sections that were on the old SMBHQ will be found on the new one. Section like Monkey Memories, Monkey Reviews, Monkey Trivia, and Monkey News will all be updated regularly. Content will be a little light starting out, but with lots of hard work and devotion, I believe the new SMBHQ will be even more popular than the old one!
Q: How much is there to write about one game?
A: You'd be surprised.
Q: Is this just a big joke?
A: Why would you say that?