SMBhq RPC: The Story of THE LOVEY DOVEY LOVE FEST!!!!!!
February 11, 2005

<SK_Da_Host> Hello and welcome to everyone's favourite Dating Show, The Lovey Dovey Love 
Fest!!!

<SK_Da_Host> Today 4 bachelors will be competing for the affections of one lucky female

<SK_Da_Host> Let us welcome out female.  From the Mushroom Kingdom - Princess Peach!!

* Peach comes out
* Peach blows kisses to the crowd

<SK_Da_Host> Peach, tell us who you are looking for in a man

<Peach> A biiiiig strong man.

<SK_Da_Host> Well let us introduce you to the bachelors.  First someone you already know from 
Brooklyn NY - MARIO!!!

<Luigi_> BOOOOOOOOOO!!!

<SK_Da_Host> and his brother luigi

<Luigi_> YAYYYY!!!

* Peach bites Luigi

<Peach> Shut it.

* Mario_M gets lost backstage.

* Luigi_ flexes his humongous muscles

* Peach sees it's just pillows in his shirt

<Mario_M> Hello?


* Captain_Churro bites one of Luigi's muscles. "Mmmmm... tastes like laundry."

<Mario_M> the rats don't like me.

* Luigi_ looks at his regular muscles

<Luigi_> AIEEE!! MY MUSCLES!

* Peach sees a crane grab Mario and bring him frontstage

<Mario_M> Mama-mia! My-a nightmare came truuuue!

<SK_Da_Host> Next from some egg, Bill The Extra Guy!!!

<Luigi_> And... Bill is dead.

<Peach> Or sleeping.

<Mario_M> Don't-a look at me!

<Peach> I don't like birds anyway.


<SK_Da_Host> OK, we will talk to Bill later.  Next let us introduce you do our final Bachelor 
Captain Churro!

<Captain_Churro> I stand for a tall glass of burnt rubber, half-eaten jars of egg, and 
symmetrical vases of paste!

<Peach> ANd getting kicked in the (censored)

* Mario_M looks through a strange treasure chest he is holding. He pulls out a sandwich and 
begins to chow down.

<SK_Da_Host> Alright, everyone get being their podiums

* Luigi_ jumps to his podium

* Peach kicks Churro in the (censored)

<Captain_Churro> How dare you insult the master of *is punted away into a podium*

<Mario_M> What's-a podium?

<Mario_M> Is it-a candy?

* Peach punts Mario to his podium

<Mario_M> But-a Peach! Whyy!?

<Mario_M> Whyyyyyy!?

<Mario_M> WHYYYYY-Hey! A penny!

<Luigi_> MINE

* Luigi_ steals the penny

* Peach Peach floats to her podium

<Peach> Weeee!

<Luigi_> Not you Peach. You stay there

<Peach> Oh.

* Peach sees the podium disappear

* Peach floats back to where she was

<Captain_Churro> "I must have made a wrong decision. Not getting kicked enough."

* Captain_Churro starts pecking his podium.

<SK_Da_Host> Peach, you know the deal.  One by one, you ask each bachelor a question and 
they give you an answer, then at the end of the show, you pick who you want to date.

<SK_Da_Host> Let's begin

<Peach> OK.

<Peach> First question goes to Mario.

<Peach> If you took me out to see a movie, what movie would you take me to see?

<Mario_M> hm...

<Mario_M> aww...

<Mario_M> Commando!

<Mario_M> You know, starring Arnold

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Mario

<Peach> Bachelor Number 2.

<Luigi_> That's-a me!

<Peach> Hmmm...

<Peach> If you were to star in a game, what would you call it?

<Luigi_> I'm already a star in a game! But if it were a good game...

<Peach> I enjoyed Luigi's Mansion, actually.

<Luigi_> It would be... LUIGI'S GAME WITHOUT MARIO ANYWHERE EXCEPT THE TITLE.

<Luigi> you know I havn't spoken to you after you lost my copy of hoyle
card games, but I sold it to a goomba

<Peach> I lost your Hoyle Card Games?

<Luigi_> Yes, you!

* Peach sprays pepper spray into Luigi's face

<Luigi_> My Ace of Clubs! How could you, Peach?

<Peach> RATE THE PAIN

<Luigi_> Erm, 0

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Luigi...

<Peach> Bachelor Number 3.

<Peach> If you weren't dead, how would you answer this question?

**Crickets_Chirping**

<Peach> Can someone get this dead carcass out of here? Please?

<Peach> Bachelor Number 4.

<Captain_Churro> "At last! The light of justice is shining on me!"

* Peach kicks Churro in the (censored) again

<Peach> If I weren't a girl, how would you respond to that?

<Captain_Churro> "Ugh... I would resond as following."

<Captain_Churro> "You, most vile sir, have injured me in a most koolaid factory-inspired way!"

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Churro

* Peach kicks Churro in the (censored) again. again.

* Captain_Churro has @_@ eyes and is drooling.

<SK_Da_Host> Now it's time for Round 2

<Peach> We should have PHYSICAL CHALLENGES

<SK_Da_Host> In this round, Peach will ask 5 questions that all the bachelors will answer one by one

<SK_Da_Host> Peach, what is your first question?

<Peach> The same 5 questions?

<SK_Da_Host> No, different 5

<SK_Da_Host> More general

<Peach> How long would you be married to me?

<SK_Da_Host> Luigi, what's that lever you are holding?

<Luigi_> This?

<SK_Da_Host> yeah that

<Luigi_> I dunno. Let's pull it!

* Luigi_ pulls

*Mario falls through the floor

<Luigi_> YAY!

* Peach sees Luigi get dropped into a bottomless pit

* Luigi_ is standing on the ground.

<Luigi_> I had a 1-Up Mushroom!

<Peach> Darn.

<Peach> I want Mario back!

<Peach> ;_;

<SK_Da_Host> Mario has suddenly dropped out of the competition!

<SK_Da_Host> With Mario gone, we have to introduce a replacement
<SK_Da_Host> and it will be
<SK_Da_Host> PHONE THE CLONE!!!

<SK_Da_Host>  To catch up Peach, will ask Phone a question

<Peach> If you weren't a robot, what would you do?

<Phone_The_Clone> As a robot, I have incredible destructive capabilities, which are fun.
<Phone_The_Clone> So if I were not a robot...
<Phone_The_Clone> I...
<Phone_The_Clone> would...
<Phone_The_Clone> ...
<Phone_The_Clone> ...
<Phone_The_Clone> Raise bunnies for a living.

<Peach> Oh.

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Phone

<SK_Da_Host> Now back to Round 2

<Peach> The first question still stands.

<SK_Da_Host> Repeat the question for the people who just joined us

<Peach> How long would you stay married to me?

<SK_Da_Host> Luigi?

<Luigi_> ?
<Luigi_> About 5 years before I dump you in the sewers

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Luigi...

<SK_Da_Host> Bill?

<SK_Da_Host> Bill?

***A Bomb Hits Bill and He Goes Flying Away***

<SK_Da_Host> PHONE!!!!

<Phone_The_Clone> The longevity as one's status of a marital partner?

<SK_Da_Host> Why did you throw a bomb at Bill?

<Phone_The_Clone> Calculating...
<Phone_The_Clone> Taking into account the day when the robots 
rise above all civilization
<Phone_The_Clone> the nanosecond we choose, and the rules we 
must abide by, thus causing mass chaos and destroying inefficient humans
<Phone_The_Clone> including yourself, as I crush your delicate human structure
<Phone_The_Clone> as your fragile frame crushes under my bare, heavy metal,
<Phone_The_Clone> as you release a final agonizing scream, the crimson rivers 
flowing from your broken form...
<Phone_The_Clone> I would say...
<Phone_The_Clone> 10 years, 5 months, 2 days, 3 hours, 20 minutes, and 32 seconds.

<SK_Da_Host> Uh... thanks

* Peach scribbles in a notepad
<Peach> Note to self: build a very supportive shelter 10 years, 5 months, 2 days, 
3 hours,and 19 minutes from now

<SK_Da_Host> Ok that answers the marriage question

<SK_Da_Host> Now why did you.....KILL BILL!!!

<Phone_The_Clone> That movie was lacking.
<Phone_The_Clone> And Bill was the person who, in the future, would overthrow the robot's movement.

* Peach coughcoughterminatorcoughcough

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Phone...

<SK_Da_Host> Churro your turn

<Captain_Churro> "What do you ask of me?"

<SK_Da_Host> Answer peaches question

<Captain_Churro> "I would stay married to you.... .... .... for four fifths of a reeses peanut butter cup."

<Peach> How long is that in human years, dumbbutt?

* Peach kicks Churro in the (censored) again. again. again.

<Captain_Churro> "...That would be the equal amount to all of the times 
you have kicked me. If is a shame you bombed Mario, or else the crystal 
of restop could have shown you the ways of justice."
<Captain_Churro> "...Or roughly 15 minutes."

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Churro

* Peach kicks Churro in the (censored) againx3.

<SK_Da_Host> Peach, please ask your next question

<Peach> Where would we go on our honeymoon?

*Peach climbs up a tree.

<Peach> My, what a nice view.

<SK_Da_Host> Peach, get down from this tree
<SK_Da_Host> We have a show to do

<Peach> But it's a nice tree!

<SK_Da_Host> Get down here!

<Peach> You'll have to cut it down to get me down!

<SK_Da_Host> It's time for Phone to answer your question

<Phone_The_Clone> What was the query again?

<Peach> Where would we go on our honeymoon?

<Phone_The_Clone> Right, right I AM A MACHINE EMOTIONS ARE IRRELEVANT
<Phone_The_Clone> Hm, then, allow me to search my database for a suitable location.

<Peach> No hellholes.

<Phone_The_Clone> I would allow you passage into our secret robotic 
base, for the sole purpose of implanting you with cybernetics, to insure your loyalty.
<Phone_The_Clone> Or maybe the moon.

<Peach> Moon's fine.

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Phone

<SK_Da_Host> Luigi, it's your turn

<Luigi_> Hmm...

<Luigi_> I say we would go to the lovely sewers of Kero Kero. There, I would feed you body to the Cheep Cheeps.

<Luigi_> No, I don't hate you...

* Luigi_ gives shifty eyes

<Peach> Note to self: wear Cheep Cheep-proof undershirt

<SK_Da_Host> Thanks...........

<SK_Da_Host> Churro, you're up

* Peach kicks Churro in (censored)

<Peach> He doesn't seem to be affected by it.

<Captain_Churro> * Blocks that with his beak, and bites Peach's foot* 
"Stop that! I would take you to Joe's shoe repair shop, where we would 
repair shoes all day long. Then, the store manager would yell 'No you 
didn't!' and hurl cubicles of ice at your hair. If that did notwork, then 
we would go to the nearest electrical outlet and stab it with forks. Or maybe 
cantelope. Of course, I cannot go anywhere while lost inside your hair.

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Churro

<SK_Da_Host> Peach, what's your third question?

<Peach> What is your dream job?

<SK_Da_Host> Churro?

<Captain_Churro> "I would prefer mostest to work in.... hmmmm."
<Captain_Churro> "I would love most to be a living bowling ball. There, I would flatten pins while 
thinking of orange-flavored headphones."

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Churro

<SK_Da_Host> Luigi?

<Luigi_> My dream... is to be a pinball operator. There, I would be THE ULTIMATE MASTER OF STUFF!!!

**Flash of lightning**

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Luigi

<Luigi_> You're welcome, Mr. Kelly.

<SK_Da_Host> Phone?

<Phone_The_Clone> I would assume that you would expect me to say I would prefer to be monarch and 
ruler of all mankind and robotkind, leading the world as I please, the smokestacks billowing high, 
the fragile humans, wallowing in their own filth and kneeling at my feet, obeying my every whim, 
every robot responding to my every thought, with the ability to crush any humans with my slightest will.

<Phone_The_Clone> You would expect that, wouldn't you?

<Peach> Sure.

<Phone_The_Clone> Well, really,

<Phone_The_Clone> I would like to settle down and make pizzas for a living.

<Peach> Done.

* Peach shows a vacant piza store across the street

<Phone_The_Clone> That is, until I do that first assumption.
<Phone_The_Clone> but that is another topic.

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Phone

<Phone_The_Clone> DESTINY!

<Peach> What kind of house would we have?
<SK_Da_Host> Oh, it looks like we need to take a breif word from our sponsers

New CEREAL BRAND CEREAL!
Mmmm...tastes like cereal.
ksssht

Spiderman... Spiderman... does whatever a spider can..
Makes a web!
Any size!
Catches thieves!
Just likes flies!
New Spiderman toys!
sold everywhere they're sold at!
ksssht

*Cue picture of a poptart* "Who wants a normal poptart?"
"When you can have..."
MARIO'S TURBOTASTIC ILLEGAL SUPER TART!
Made in China.
kssssht.

<SK_Da_Host> and we're back!
<Peach> Yayyyy!

<Peach> Hooray!

*Luigi walks over to Peach.

<Peach> Whaddya want?

<Luigi_> Umm

* Luigi_ smacks Peach across the face with a large piano

<Luigi_> I want you to tune my piano!

* Peach sues Luigi

<SK_Da_Host> Let's get back to business here

<SK_Da_Host> Peach, what's your 4th question?

<Peach> WHat kind of house would we have?

<SK_Da_Host> Luigi?

<Luigi_> Well, you know that kind of crappy house we got in Luigi's Mansion if we got an E ranking?

<Peach> The tent?

<Luigi_> No, it was similar to the pipe house.

<Luigi_> That would be it, but with an extra kitchen!

<Peach> 2 rooms?

<Luigi_> AND ONE MORE DOOR!

<Peach> With that basement with your diary?

<Luigi_> Erm, sure.

<Luigi_> WHO TOLD YOU??!

<Peach> Paper Mario.

<Luigi_> I must tear him in half in Paper Mario 3.

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Luigi

<SK_Da_Host> Phone it's your turn

<Phone_the_Clone> Well
<Phone_the_Clone> The house would be a metal citadel, rising towards the heavens, 
crawling with electronics, yet darkness abound. It will be beautiful yet menacing, 
shadowing over all the land, with a central grand throne room, with the window above into space.

<Phone_the_Clone> Your room would be in the basement.

<Peach> No soup for you.

<Phone_the_Clone> And by "basement" I mean "Dungeon".

<Phone_the_Clone> Don't expect any bread!

<Peach> NO SOUP FOR YOU!

<Phone_the_Clone> Fine! No water, either!

<Peach> NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!!

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Phone

<SK_Da_Host> Churro?

<Captain_Churro> "We would live in a cardboard box. The most round cardboard box in existance. It would 
be located above the car repair shop. There, we could get inspiration by licking the motor oil off of 
the floor. Occasionally, we could inhale the great odors of cars being repaired. And if you ever wanted 
an exercise gym to fix your flabby upper lip... you could use the axles of the junk cars out back. 
Just beware of rabid weasels and.... the bum who lives in one of the junk cars. His name is Bob."

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Churro

<SK_Da_Host> Final Question Peach

<Peach> Why do you want to marry me?

<SK_Da_Host> Phone?

<Phone_the_Clone> It would be greatly to my advantage if I were to marry a princess, who could rule so many people so easily. 
It would require almost no effort to turn our new country into a military superpower
<Phone_the_Clone> at which point my plan for domination will be easy to conduct, as well as my oppression of the people
<Phone_the_Clone> all the while I could build my source to cause all robots to overthrow.
<Phone_the_Clone> And that is why I would marry you.

<Peach> Okay then.

<Phone_the_Clone> also, I don't technically need pants, seeing as how I'm a robot.

* Peach looks

<Peach> Too sm-gets shot

<Phone_the_Clone> it can easily be upgraded! This is my energy-saving model!

<Peach> >_>

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Phone

<SK_Da_Host> Churro?

<Captain_Churro> "I would marry you so that I could take your crowns and fry them in motor oil. Then I would eat them, 
finely marinated in automatic transmission fluid and gak. Then, I would add some sugar for flavor. When not doing that, 
I would be stealing the hats off of your servants and using them as frisbees."

<Captain_Churro> "The great taste of your crown would be worth writing 'MOO' on fifty papers of rice parchment."

<Peach> Those aren't hats.

<Captain_Churro> "...They aren't?"

<Peach> That's part of their head.

<SK_Da_Host> uhh...Thanks

<SK_Da_Host> Luigi?

<Luigi_> ... Wait, marry? Well, you see, as a plumber, I barely make enough. However, since you are part of a monarch, 
you (should) control the  countries income. With your money and looks, and my neglectedness, we will rule 
over NC with lead fists! To poison those who happen to pick up the lead into their body.

<SK_Da_Host> Thank you Luigi

<Luigi_> I got glue in my shoe!

* Luigi_ tries to pull shoes off

<SK_Da_Host> Now it's time for the third and final round......THE PHYSICAL CHALLENGE!!!!

<Peach> YAY!

<SK_Da_Host> Let's see who survives

<SK_Da_Host> Peach, pick a number between 1 and 20

<Peach> 16!

* Phone_the_Clone readies a minigun.

* Luigi_ takes out a bunch of shurikens

* Captain_Churro just... sits there, staring at Luigi's shoes.

<SK_Da_Host> Ok, Peach I suggest putting this armour over your (censored)

* Peach does so

<SK_Da_Host> THE PHYSICAL CHALLENGE IS 16 KKJ TRIBUTES!!!!!

*Luigi's (censored) is eaten by evil mutant bugs.

*Luigi's (censored) is hit with an atomic bomb.

*Luigi's (censored) is eaten by evil mutant bugs.

*Peach's (censored) is rammed by a Buffalo.

*Phone_the_Clone's (censored) bounces along the ground.

*Captain_Churro's (censored) is eaten by evil mutant bugs.

*Peach's (censored) is hit with an atomic bomb.

*Peach's (censored) bounces along the ground.

*Luigi's (censored) is hit with an atomic bomb.

*Captain_Churro's (censored) is stabbed with a knife.

*Captain_Churro's (censored) is hit with an atomic bomb.

*Phone_the_Clone's (censored) bounces along the ground.

*Captain_Churro's (censored) is stabbed with a knife.

*Captain_Churro's (censored) is eaten by evil mutant bugs.

*Phone_the_Clone's (censored) is stabbed with a knife.

*Luigi's (censored) bounces along the ground.

<Phone_the_Clone> JUST WHEN I THINK I HAVE YOU HUMANS FIGURED OUT


<Phone_the_Clone> YOU GO AND CHANGE ON ME

<Peach> Good thing mine's unhurt

* Luigi_ falls over...

<SK_Da_Host> Now let's count the damage

* Phone_the_Clone stands mighty.

* Luigi_ reveals his corpse is really a Water clone!

<Phone_the_Clone> Well met, sir plumber in the green!

<SK_Da_Host> Luigi - 5 Hits
<SK_Da_Host> Phone - 3 Hits
<SK_Da_Host> Churro - 5 Hits
<SK_Da_Host> Peach's hits don't count

<SK_Da_Host> And the winner of the Phyical Challenge is - Phone!!!

<Phone_the_Clone> Of course I win!
<Phone_the_Clone> Superior technology beats all!

* Phone_the_Clone activates the hydraulics!

<SK_Da_Host> Now Peach, the time has come

<SK_Da_Host> Who do you choose?

* Peach walks over to the host's podium

<Peach> I choose...
<Peach> YOU!

* Peach glomps Sean

<Peach> HUBBY!

<SK_Da_Host> uhhhh......
<SK_Da_Host> THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES!!!

* Peach gags and bounds Sean

* Peach drags Sean off

THE END