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A Unified Field Theorem of Mushroom Physics

Or "E=Mario*(C^2)"
by J. Mycroft

    In an earlier rant, I attempted to shed some light on the dynamics of the Mushroom Kingdom. One might say that the debate which was henceforth sparked has been "heated." The same person might also describe the Second World War as "noisy." I left my theory open to debate, and by gadfrey, I got one. Upon first glance at his essay, one might think that my detractor lives up to the first syllable of his last name. It is likely he is expecting some kind of scathing rebuttal. On the contrary, I wish to extend an olive branch. He paid me a good deal of compliments in his rebuttal, and I hope here to return a few. It is always a pleasure to meet an equally astute and stimulating colleague. His dubious diplomacy aside, I agree he made several valid points. (Imagine the shade of crimson which flooded my face when he pointed out, in a flourish, that I had indeed neglected the pentultimate "e" in "denouement." ) I apologize if anyone was offended, or was otherwise affected with a negative opinion of me by my bravado. I included it only to add theatrical edge to what was, in effect, a reaction to a season of mental stagnation. I write now, to accomplish two purposes: To further argue (in the strictly Socratic sense of the term) the dynamics of the Mushroom World. I wish to set down a few statement regarding some of my colleage's conclusions, and, secondly, I wish to put forth the results of some further research I have done which I think will debunk, and, at the same time, unify our separate conclusions. In this light, I wish to state, that what I here offer is not in the strictest a rebuttal, but rather a rejoinder.

    First, I will include my thoughts on his article, point by point.

    To begin with, he stated that the sizeable distance between our planet and any potentially habitable ones was too great to lend credence to my assertion that the Mushroom World is on another planet. In response, he stated that it might rather exist in the same spot as our own, but merely in another state. He attributed this "state's" existence (among other perfectly reasonable things, such as the properties of power-ups) to "magic." Of course, in the history of humanity, magic has always been the failsafe explanation for anything that defied current standards of reason. In this case he fell back on magic because he couldn't give an explanation as to the nature of this "state." In my spirit of geniality, I will rush to his aid and help him. As many students of physics know, current inquiries into the movement of subatomic particles has revealed a marked ambiguity as to the nature of a subatomic particle's movement. In other words, it is impossible to predict the movement of a single particle becasue they do not follow straight paths. Acted upon by the exact same forces, they nonetheless move almost randomly, and some physicists to have theorized that this indeed may result from interference from a "parallel universe." So this lends credit to Arun's theory. I have also uncovered some things, which should help it, as well, but we'll get to that later. I would also like to state at this point that Mr. Madhaven was wrong in assuming I meant a planet far away. I made no assertion as to the planet's location. I simply stated another planet, and a parallel planet alongside ours would, techinically qualifty as "another planet." Also, though I claim no direct credit for the "distant planet" theorem, I would nonetheless like to point out that it is still not impossible. First, he stated that Mario could not survive a trip that fast. In response, I merely ask a question. In Star Trek (I am NOT a Trekkie), when someone was "beamed" somewhere, where they really moved, or were they destroyed, only for an exact replica to be constructed at the point of arrival? It's just something to consider...

     Next, he stated that magic cannot travel faster than the speed of light. I say, "why not?" It just might. It's magic. Also, noone said the trip took a few seconds. There was a period of a couple of years between the release of Mario Bros. and Super Mario Bros. Finally, no one said any long-distance travel took place anyway. Stephen Hawking has admitted to the possibility of the existence of a "fold" in time and space in which a hole might lead from one point to a totally distant point. Maybe that's what a Warp Zone is...

     In any case, I don't pose any of these preceeding statements as actual conclusions. They are merely possibilities.

     One more thing. I wish to point out that it was a grand stroke to include the Law of Conservation of Energy, aka the Third Law of Thermodynamics. I wish to state though, that, while it was clever to remember pioneering chemist Antoine Laurent Lavoisier (this is the proper spelling), I must say that he was NOT the founder of the Law of Conservation of Energy. It is very likely that this oversight came from a Science textbook (which are often more inadequate than most people realize) rather than from the earnest and impressibe Mr. Madhaven. The first discovery and clear enunciation of the Laws of Thermodynamics came from Rudolf Julius Claudius, less than a century after Lavoisier's death. Lavoisier is more accurately credited with early inquiry into heat, but that is not germaine to our discussion.

     Now, with all those corrections out of the way, I arrive at the new denouement . It relates to how the Mushroom Plane of Existence meets with ours. It is nothing short of astounding. In observing details from various games, I originally overlooked a pivotal Mario game, namely, Mario Golf. Upon casually glancing at several pictures, I was shocked to notice something. Most of the courses had ordinary, Our World Iandscapes, with normal skies, contours, and water. In a few, we even see trees that appeared in Super Mario 64, which, for reasons explained in my other rant, I attributed to being in Our World. And yet, as you look into the distant background, what do your wandering eyes see, but what is unquestionably the Musrhoom Kingdom, complete with clumpy clouds and anthromorphic vegetation!

     I was originally stunned! And yet, there it is! And I began to wonder how it could be. Looking at the pictures, the Mushroom Kingdom is obviously far in the distance, but it's THERE. It even appears to be surrounded by it's own unique atmosphere, which stands out against the world around it. I arrived at the following revelation: There is a point where time and space are ripped apart and the Mushroom Plane of Existence intersects with ours. Furthermore, this rip exists just near, of all things, a golf course. Further, it gives us a new and unexpected explaination for how Mario got to the Mushroom Kingdom. Remember, in 1985, Super Mario Bros. came out simultaneously with a game called, simply Golf, starring Mario. Perhaps, one day he just putted and sliced until he played right on through across the interdimensional rip into the Mushroom World. This would also explain how he has never really seemed to have any difficulty going between worlds. Amazing, isn't it?

     And so, we see that neither I nor my colleague were entirely right or wrong. Instead, both of our theories seem to come together, and I would like to welcome any further comments from him or anyone else with something interesting to add.

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