How to Lose

A true Mario fan can beat most any Mario game with their eyes closed. The biggest of fans, after beating each game multiple dozens of times, will have no problem blazing through even the toughest challenges. This perfection is mostly a blessing, but taken to extremes it can become a curse as well. With some people, the level of Mario skill becomes so high that they are unable to lose a Mario game, even when they're trying. Take this example:

Dear Mr. Orland
I was recently trying to find the music that they play in Super Mario Bros. when Mario dies. I had forgotten what the music sounds like because it had been so long since I had died in a Mario game (10 years come tomorrow). When I tried to throw Mario into a pit, however, I found myself unable to do it. I would instinctively jump over the pit. I tried this many times at many different pits, but nothing seemed to work. Do you have an MP3 of the Mario death music on your web site?
- John Q. Player III (4th degree Mario black belt)

It take lots off practice and dedication to be able to kill Mario efficiently. But if you're just lazy, here's a few easy-to-learn tips on how to kill Mario.

If Mario is approaching a bottomless pit, do not jump! If you do not jump Mario will walk into the pit and die.
If an enemy approaches you, do not jump! Do not throw a fireball! Do not wag your raccoon tail. If the enemy touches you you will die (or at least shrink)
Standing underneath Lakitu's is a surefire path to near instant death.
If you find a Yoshi in Super Mario World, do not jump on it! He will only delay your death. Move on and leave Yoshi hopping there.
If somehow you do get on a Yoshi, immediately get off using the A button. If this is not an option (maybe your controller is broken), try to find an enemy to knock Yoshi out. Do not eat any berries in the meantime!
If you are underwater in Super Mario 64 and are running out of air, resist the urge to swim to the surface. Do not touch any coins under any circumstances. Eventually you will run out of air any die.
Avoid starmen as if your death depended on it. If a starman manages to somehow find you, jump into the nearest pit (not OVER the pit... into it)
In fact, try to avoid all items with the following exceptions: Poison Mushrooms.
In SMB2, once you grab a key, do not let go until the cold grip of Phanto-induced death is upon you.
In Yoshi's Island, tune out the sound of Baby Mario's crying for the required ten seconds. Mute the TV. Buy earplugs. Take a sledgehammer to the speakers if necessary! Anything to resist the urge to stop thge crying by saving Baby Mario.
If a pipe does not have a pirhana plant sticking out of it, wait for a few seconds. If a pirhana plant comes out, it's your ticket to a speedy death.
The importance of the "Do Nothing" option in Paper Mario battles can not be understated.
Hit the power button on the system. You will immediately lose all your lives!

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