Know Your Friends
Where would we be without our friends? Personally, I know I'd be lying half naked and starving in a ditch if not for my friends. I also know that Mario owes a lot to his friends. Unfortunately, most people down know Mario's helpers from their own behinds, as shown by this e-mail I received recently
Dear Mr. O. R. Land
Hi, I love your site. I came across it when looking for a Mario Lemiux statistics web page. Anyway, I was wondering who this princess person you keep mentioning is. I played through every single Mario game 95% of the way, and I've never seen any princess. Please tell me who you are talking about, or I will go quite mad.
- Mr. E. Man
P.S. You should put a link to some Mario Lemiux sites on your links page.
As you can see, many people can be very well-versed in Mario playing, but still not recognize the princess (I guess Mr. E. Man missed her at the beginning of SMRPG). Anyway, here's a refresher course on the (few) characters that DON'T try to kill Mario.
Game(s): DK, DK94
Her Role: Helpless captive of a big King Kong look-alike
Unique features: The only girl in the Mario universe with a ripped red dress.
Where are they now: Pauline now lives in a trailer park and recently spent the night dead-drunk in a ditch
Name: Princess Peach Toadstool
Game(s): A whole lot of 'em
Her Role: Helpless captive of a big evil turtle, and cool floaty jumper in SMB2
Unique features: The only Mario character that tastes Peachy (ask Belome from SMRPG)
Quotes: "Help!" "Come on, let's bake a big cake... for Mario!"
Where are they now: Peach currently resides in the castle of the Mushroom Kingdom where she... wait... what's that outside... it's Bowser! Not again!
Her Role: Helpless captive of a big alien thingy.
Unique features: The only character to ever turn into a spider. Wait a minute... that wasn't Daisy at all, was it?! That crafty Tatanga!
Quote: "Thank you, Mario"
Where are they now: After being rescued, Daisy pushed Mario out the door of the sky pop and flew to Tijuana to avoid legal problems in Sarasaland.
Game(s): Not much recently. Also the putrid Mario is Missing
His Role: The eternal understudy
Unique features: Most people don't know that Luigi actually has green blood.
Quote: "I'm-a-Luigi.... #1"
Where are they now: Luigi has parted ways with Mario to start a solo career. He now headlines at the Las Vegas Ceaser's Palace 6 times a week. The brothers only reunite for the occasional board game or charity tennis tournament
Game(s): Everywhere, although you hardly notice him, do ya.
His Role: Gives you worthless items, and occasionally an encouraging word or two.
Unique features: The only Mario character with exactly 12,749 identical twins
Quote: "Wa Ha!"
Where are they now: Toad is currently seeking a SW&RM (Single White & Red Mushroom) who enjoys romantic strolls on the beach, reading poetry by candlelight, and snuggling till dawn.
Game(s): SMW, YI, SM64, 10 tons of cameos
His Role: Hauls around Mario's heavy butt on his back... whatta nice guy.
Unique features: Really has a very advanced vocabulary; Says "Yoshi!" all the time because he "doesn't want to seem like a nerd"
Where are they now: Yoshi whiles away his autumn years on Y'oster Isle, where he sits on the edge of the pool by the shuffleboard courts with a lemonade in his hand. He enjoys watching the world go by. (You see, dinosaurs are old... it's a joke. Ha?!)
The ever-popular POP QUIZ
1)Where would you be without your friends?
2)What's the URL of a good Mario Lemiux site?
3)What can you do to not end up like Pauline? (Hint: Get a job)
4)Have you seen Luigi's Las Vegas show?
5)Why do old dinosaurs like shuffleboard so much anyway?
Answers next week
For more on characters, got to
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