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Where Mario Ends...
and Real Life Begins

    I know many of you, upon reading this title, are commenting "Real life? What's that? Is it for N64 or PSX?". As a public service, I feel the duty to inform you all that yes, real life does exist. In fact, it's all around you. Just move your eyes a little to the left or right of the screen. You see that? BOOM! That's real life! Neat, huh.

    OK, OK, so I know most of you have at least heard of real life and probably experienced it (not as much as you should, I bet). But there are quite a few people who have been so overexposed to Mario that they have no idea that real life exists! When they are forced to move their eyes from the screen, they think they're still in a Mario game! This is just sad, as you can see in this heart-wrenching example I was e-mailed recently.

    Hi Mr. Orlando
I was hoping you could help my 12 year old brother. He's been playing Super Mario 64 for almost2 days straight, only stopping to eat and go to the bathroom (though from the smell of his pants, he may not be stoppnig for the bathroom enough). When we try to talk to him, all he can say are things like "It's-a-me" and "Waaa. Wooo. Wooohooo." When we finally unplugged the system and made him get back to his life, he started jumping around all the furniture punching and kicking the air randomly. He's also gotten in the habit of picknig up cardboard boxes in our basement and hurling them at the walls. He even attacked his beloved snapping turtle, fluffy, and tried to ride around on his shell (poor little reptile). Is there anything I can do to help my bro.?
-Guy I. MadeUp


Fortunately, there are somethings you can do to help a victim of "Mario overload". Just reinforce these differences between the real world and the Mario world, and soon your home will be safe for pet turtes yet again.

Difference between the Real World and the Mario World
You cannot jump as high as Mario. You'll probably break you're back if you try.
Wearing big green shoes does not mean you can jump on spikes.
Don't eat mushrooms straight from the ground! You won't grow bigger, You'll probably die!
Fiery balls of flame will not jump out of any flowers.
Don't try to jump into your house's plumbing. You won't warp to other parts of the house.
Dinosaurs are extinct! Even if they weren't,they wouldn't let you jump on their backs
Your pet dog is not Poochie.
Your pet turtle is not a Koopa Troopa
Your pet komodo dragon is not Bowser
A princess will never, EVER go out with you!
Wearing a cape does NOT mean you can fly.
Taping paper wings to your hat does NOT mean you can fly.
Growing a raccoon tail does NOT mean you can fly.
Drawing a ?-mark on a box does not mean it will have a secret item inside.
Pounding the ground with your butt hurts.
Don't be afraid of gorillas at zoos. They won't throw barrels at you.
The clouds don't contain evil koopa troopas that throw spikey balls on you.
and finally... YOU ARE NOT AN ITALIAN PLUMBER!

Remember these things and you and your friends should be safe from Mario overload.

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