Question Set #9
Dah King's Bag O' Nice Tries 121-135
From the deep, dark confines of my own insanity, I have returned honorably. Yes --- it REALLY is me, not that vacant-head twitty impostor that jack'd my piece and talked his game. When I find that sorry son of a --- well anyway, let's not dwell upon such insolence right now. I'm just glad to be back where I belong, with all my fellow peons and clueless peeps. You know, dealing with the stress of obscurity and the pain of negative rumors has taken a toll on the ol' Mushroom Sire, with all the lonely nights spent crying and drugging out on children's tylenol and pedialite, I needed to get striaght with myself and all my endearing fans (1? please gimme that at least). I went through utter hell for you guys! I felt like a washed-up good-for-nothing has been, and you readers gave me the strength to survive! Now I'm down to five chewables a day!
Maybe rehab is in order. Oh and by the way, you are all still complete and utter retards! Cheerio, have a swell day!
-The King
Sugar-coated and laced with cough syrup (hmmm ...), here are your wonderful failures of the moment ....
Email 121
'Is Bowser Jr. a koopaling?'
'Are koopa kids real --- in the sense of the mario world?'
'Where did Waluigi come from?'
'What's your favorite game?'
-Smashmatt
Smashmatt, how fitting? I enjoy your feeble masochism (growl..)
1.) Well, in the sense that he could be a kid in the koopa family, yes ... but he's really one of those illegitmate half-breeds that you dare not tell a soul, until one day he shows up at your crib and wants to get all touchy feely. Bowser settled this matter out of court, and saved himeself a grisly eighteen years of bastardized child su'port. Too bad it has come back to bite him in the ass ... man, that creep sure does get around though.
2.) Yes, they are real --- REAL worthless spoiled brizzats! How many loving fathers do you know that will give each one of their kids a flying freakin' ship? And this ain't yo' thrift sto' ride either, we're talking about a state of the art cruiser decked out with millions of dollars worth of death contraptions. And what do they do? Hide in a little room and hop around when Mario shows up. The least they could've done was bum rushed his ass on the way there. I mean, didn't Mario use the anchor everytime? Get the picture and cut the damn chain!
3.) Waluigi is the product of two hideous wolverine-men impreganating a she-horse after a midnight carousol in a seedy hotel lobby. He truly is a Kodak moment.
4.) How open-ended a question, you ask. My favorite game at the time would be Star Wars Ep. III, see. But my favorite game of ALL time, of course, is Super Mario Bros. III. After all these years, that game still has more variety than that secret cache in my underpants. Besides, it's also the game where Mario gets some tail!
Email 122
'Name one tv show where Mario has a cameo?'
'How many pixels does Mario's mustache have in SMB?'
'What year was SMB III released in America?'
-Guy Someone
How very crafty, he chooses such a stale pen name to avoid ridicule. In such cases I have to dig into my bag --- DAMN! Okay, you're just a ignoramus ... geezus I'm rusty.
1.) Gosh ... well since you've stated that it must be a 'tv show', in the loose sense of a 'show' that was/is on 'tv'. I remember watching the Nickeloden Kids Choice Awards a few years back and 'Super Mario Sunshine' was a nominee for favorite game of the year. Now, now ... don't drop your fruity basket ... I know that this is not an ACTUAL cameo, but then again, Mario is a fictional character. That guy you've been writing to at 'Peach's Palace' is really a disgruntled axe murderer from San Quentin. I reccomend discontinuing such contacts.
2.) Mario's lick does not contain pixels, in fact, as you probably haven't guessed, his mustache consists of finely groomed hairs. Why don't you ask such a vacuous question to Guissiepe at your local pizza pub? I'm sure he will throw down on your prejudice ass! All Italians do not have facial hair that contains these 'pixels' you speak of. What, are you trying to say, that they're gay? In which case, you would be correct --- but not because they're hairy freaks with pixels in their mustaches, but because they are of Italian Hertiage (burn). I hope I don't have my cardboard box 'spagetti'd' for this email.
3.) SMB III was released here in 1990. Concinidentially, that is the same year I turned five and Paula Abdoul did that video with the cartoon cat. Hey --- and there was Milli Vinilla, Warrant, Gun n' Roses, and TWISTED SISTER!!!! Holy Crap! And that one guy Billy Idol in dreadlocks ... and, and, and .... you know, I didn't even realize so much happened that year. I guess everything else fades in comparsion to the Great Plumber One.
Email 123
'Where on tmk (www.classicgaming/tmk/tmk.html) is the secret page?'
-MagiKoopa189
Spy! Spy! (random unethical political message: Scooter Libbey didn't do it. It was Huffy Wondermop, wink)
Alright, you just wanna prace over here on smbhq turf askin' 'bout the secret page on a rival site? YOU KNOW WHAT WE THINK ABOUT THOSE SCUMBAGS! And even if I did know, I'd rather have you nibble at the dangling carrot, so to speak. That is, if you assume that I reaaly DO know where it is. Well, do you? Have you that divine intuition? Does the carrot taste good, boy? WELL DOES IT! Too bad, I want a suitcase full of vintage twinkies left on my curb tomorrow night, and you'll find the answer printed backwards on your ass in the mirror. How's that for a quid pro quo?
(Seriously, Scooter and Rove are innocent! Huffy was behind the whole leak! Bikes do talk, they just put it off to FOOL US!)
Email 124
'What is it about Mario that makes him so freakin' Super?'
-Lovely Valentine
What is it about you that makes ya so lovely? What makes you such a valentine? Huh ... huh? Errr.... you want my number or something? Seriously, I'm a cool dude, if you can get passed the toadstool on my head. I NEED LOVE! Um, sorry don't call the police on me.
Well, in 'Mario Bros.' for the arcade and Atari 2600, Mario and Luigi were just lil' wimplets battling the uglier side of modern plumbling. Now ... I don't know how many mutant butterflies you've found exiting your drain pipe ... but that's besides the point I was trying to make. Hold on, what was it? Oh yeah, and then there was 'Super Mario Bros.' for the NES, where Mario and Luigi (aka lepreeeeechaun Mario) consume mushrooms to grow in stature. This is their 'Super' state, which is brought about by magical mushrooms. What do these mushrooms contain? Wheaties is my best guess, but people have been prudent not to trust my unique brand of wisdom. WHAAAZA!
Email 125
'Is it true that Mario games are more fun when you're high on narotics?'
-Goldpolio
I even caught on to that pen name ,,, and I don't smoke anything ... that has not been approved by my mommy and daddy of course. They even pack my lunch with special brownies when I go to work.
Now, you've put me in a tough position. If I say yes to this question, then I am giving positive reference to illegal substances ... and that ain't good fo' the kids, ya her. But if I say no, I might loose support from my weak stoner fanbase. Who's gonna read my crap if I chase off the stoners? Oh yeah ... the kids ... duh? Well then, I've made up my mind. No, doing drugs and playing video games is a sick practice that should not be indulged. Do not play Mario games on drugs, kids. Stay in school, eat your vitamins, love thy neighbor, go to church, knock 'dat ho up ... I'm not a good influence am I? Well tikes, at least stay in school and knock da ho up. Teen sex builds character or something.
Email 126
'Which one of those Wendy's Mario toys is your favorite?'
-sammyZ
Are you implying that I play with toys? Kids' meals are for babies ... and that's why I eat them. Screw the babies! Why are we lettin' the wimps get the cool toys?
I do own all five of the Wendy's toys from a few years back. I'm particularly fond of the pivoting suction cup Chain Chomp. You wind up his wheels and watch him chase after Mario again and again. Last month I seperated the tiny Mario figurine from the chain chomp model and gave it to my girlfriend as a token of my affection. She just smiled and pulled out the pepper spray. Well, she really never had a way with words ... so I guess the pepper spray was more than enough.
Email 127
'Who progammed Super Mario for the TS-83 calculator?'
-Scot Baret
Games on your calc? Surely you jest, right? You can actually do that? HOLY CRAP! I mean ... yeah, I knew that. What's next, singing wall mounts? Puh-lease! THEY HAVE THOSE TOO! Man, I need to get out of the basement more often.
Which game you talkin' bout here? I cannot answer this question accurately since it is not specified. What, you think I know that you are implying 'Super Mario BROS.' and that I am just copping out? Congratulations! You won a free sweet n' low from Dunkin' Donuts, courtesy of yours truly! Yes, I am copping out, but since you allowed me that delicious loophole, I can safely retain my crown without shame. Owwww ... and you were so close to the jewels too ... um, yeah, I'm not gay, seriously.
Email 128
'Who's Mario's daddy?'
-Sclockman22
ME! An' don't you be comin' over here mackin' on my property! Mario be my money maker playa! He know who da man is, he know!
Mario's dad is unknown. The closest we come to discovering his true identity is at the end of 'Yoshi's Island'. We only get a 'Cow n' Chicken'-esque view of his lower body, so you take a guess. That is, if you follow the make-believe stork fairy tale in the games. Of course, we all know where babies really come from, so you have to take such nonsense for what its worth. C'mon ... I can explain it to you, Jay would KILL ME! Jeez, alrighty, babies come from --- cereral boxes! Keep diggin', you might find a little sister.
We gotta keep it G-rated for all the hustlas out there. Really, don't tell your mom I told you this!
Email 129
'Why'd they choose a putz like Lou Albano to play the live-action Mario in the old tv show?'
-gamersuz
Capt. Lou is not a putz! He is a well-earned, educated, accomplished man of hulking pretend sweat-stained brutality. And you have to admire the goatee! Can you imagine the cafeful craft and precision it must take to shape such a perfect rag? Not to mention, he even uses the toilet to go to the bathroom. Tell me he's not worthy of passing nod?
WELL, I still love ya Lou. Gimme a belly-bump dawg!
With a trimmed up mustache (sob for the goat), Capt. Lou did sorta resemble Mario, and his classical background in the professional academy of bullcrap (aka the WWE) gave him the charisma and nuance to tackle the role. He wasn't half-bad at the part, aside from the fact that he took an Italian plumber and made him out to sound like a hardened criminal. Did I say nuance? Okay, how about nuisance instead? Maybe Louie worked for nothing but scraps? Tasty.
Email 130
'Hey Mr. King --- I just wanted to know if you know about Godzilla King of the monsters? WELL DO YOU?'
-Tina Kelley
Does this attest to the fact my readers ARE actually clueless? Why would someone email me a question regarding Godzilla, when this is clearly a site devoted to all things Mario? Possibly, this person may think that I have ties with the Lizard behometh, since you know, we ARE both kings (shrugs merrily). In which case, I will upgrade you to a dazed-out crackwhorish loveable dwarf for knowing yo' role.
Yes, I do happen to know about Godzilla. He's that big lizard dude that rampaged Toyko in the movies. He also went on to battle some mutant insects and pretty much screw everything up for us human folk. BUT if you thought Godzilla was a bad mammajamma, wait until you get a bite from my genetically enlarged rabidly-evil CAREBEARS! The world is not ready for my wicked experiments! Watch your back Dick Cheney! WHAA HAA HAA!
Email 131
'Can you count up every coin in all four games of Mario All-Stars?'
-Abe166
Nice try buddy, but I have detailed algebraic graphs scribbled out on my arm to analyze coin-enemy ratios in every Mario game. A simple addition problem is mere child's play. My brillant work has not come without a stiff price though --- I've had the same pair of undershorts stuffed up my crack for six frickin' years! I'm suprised that I'm still alive! What, you think I'm gonna reach down THERE and pull 'em out? Not even the bravest of souls....
Haven't I had this question before? Okay, once again I get an ambigious question. In SMB2, every vegetable plot could be considered a potential slot-game coin, depending on how wisely you choose a location for your sub-con door. Since these vegetable plots are only coins in the sub-con, it would not be fair to count them. AND ... since you asked me to count every coin in ALL four games ... this question is now considered a lousy generalized piece of garbo. Luckily, we love garbage here at dtk, or your question would have been set albaze by my kennel of pissed-off starved charazuards! Sweetums is especially angry this week, we haven't been on a walk since ol' Mister Crebs went missing. Oops ... I've said too much.
Email 132
'Who was Mario's foe in the original Donkey Kong: Cranky Kong or Donkey Kong Jr.?'
-LatinTeen4USC
Before I agressively tackle this question, I need to make one thing clear --- hold on, fridge break (cue the elevator music) ... ... ... ... ... ... yum ... ... burp. I'm back! That was one hell of an apple pie my friends. So warm, tender and delicious with steamy gooey golden chunks of Granny Smith. I feel guilty eating something so soft and beautiful. It's ...
I must've gone off on a tangent again. The point is Donkey Kong is absolutely gay. And pie is soooo not. I'm really sorry 'bout that (blushes).
Okay, there is a large gap of logic to this question obviously. Apparently, this 'clever' reader is trying to fool me by using Cranky Kong from the 'Donkey Kong Country' games. Disregarding the fact that I know Cranky is actually DK from the arcade classic in the DKC storyline, why would you use DK Jr. as a second guess? Speaking of which --- there happens to be two large gaps of logic here. I do remember that Cranky was the ol' bat that chatised DK and Diddy for comic relief in DKC, but strangly, he appeared in what seemed like the same house every area. He was everywhere all at once! Pretty graphics were no distraction from such inconsistancies.
Email 133
'Why doesn't Mario speak dialogue in any of his games?'
-Markus Thornton
With the passing of The Patriot Act II ( ya know, that one pile of paper that no one in Congress even read), it would seem rather wise that Mario chose to keep his lips sealed all these years. Can you imagine all the dirty secrets and hidden agendas that he might be in on? If Mario were to accidentially leak any information in his video games, the feds would be up his case indefinately. The government is cracking down on video game conspiracies hard after 9-11, with the assembly of the House Commission on traitorous anti-republican video game characters! That's right brothas and sistas, it's NEVER THEIR FAULT! Damn republicans, can't they see that it's really Lieberman who's the virtual assassin from another dimension? I'm onto this guy ...
In earlier games, Mario was too busy doing all the work to blabber his gums off. In 'Mario RPG', I think that the silent bit proved to be waaay funnier than anything that could've been written. Mario's fist game of spoken dialogue though, was 'Super Mario 64', where he had a few zingy one-liners and coked-up WAA-HOOS! These, and other excitable pep-phrases, returned for Super Mario Sunshine on the Gamecube. I personally liked it better when he kept quiet --- now he comes of more as like a mascot for the giddy retard in us all. Doesn't that do wonders for your self-esteem?
Email 134
'Are koopa shells more like clothing? It kinda hinted at this in Paper Mario.'
-Lava Yosh
Yes, koopa shells are very fashionable this winter. I spruce mine up with a pink bunny hat and fishnet stockings. There's nothing that says you're hip, slow, and hump backed like a snazzy new koopa shell. Bring one home for every little reptile in your family this Christmas. In just fifty-eight payments of ten grand, you'll have a blast trying to stuff your precious hellion in our adorable line of trendy animal artifacts.
Hurry now, and we'll send you three free conch shells for the special elf-dwarf in your life (shipping n' handling sold separately).
(The Mushroom King was not endorsed for this promotion). THIS GIG SUCKS! I'm going back to selling Kirbys.
There is a part in Paper Mario where a koopa troopa speaks of his shell being made to order. That was a goofy jest --- among many in that game. It is suggested that the shells are like clothing for the turtle kind. And since turtles don't wear clothes (at least not at my zoo anyway), a shell would be the only thing hiding that ugliness inside. Turtles are vile creatures --- just morally corrupt in every frickin' way. Don't believe me? Ask the Rev. Jimmy Falwell. It appears everything happens to be corrupt nowadays.
Including me --- buy your winter turtle shell today! I HAVE CONNECTIONS! Purty please?
Email 135
'Are all the worlds of Nintendo separate like Kingdom Hearts? How do you explain the cameos?'
-Lava Yosh
Two questions from the same cat in one update, huh? I understand doubling your chances at the crown, but this is a lottery that you can't win buddy. You were probably one of those half-chipped nerds who played that Pepsi Xbox 360 game. Do you know how ANNOYING it is to be held up by a timid little geek on the street for my Mountain Dew caps? We need to put these wannabe thugs back into their lockers where they belong. Who has time to sit in front of the computer punching in cap codes all day? Geez ... WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE CONTEST IS OVER? NOOOOOO! Hum, like I care?
Nintendo worlds are imaginary. The cameos are explained by the various sets that are constructed in the same studio production lot. When Mario gets pissed about not getting sprinkles with his Frappacino, he can just storm off set and show up downstairs and harrass Link while he's shooting. What did you think? Video games were made on computers? Yeah ... and Mace Windu is really black and bald. Apparently he is, but video games are still made on set. (distant chatter) Okay, apparently they are not. Well, you'll just have to deal with that answer then, because (loud roaring) ... SHUT UP YODA! Man, this green dude is cramping my style!
Execute Order 66 ... take that you naggy turd!
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