Question Set #5
Dah King's Bag O' Nice Tries 60-75
I must rise up in the face of debauchery, and condemn any further perverted questions! Yeah, yeah, I'm a flimsy hypocrite for publishing a promise that I can't hold true, but enough is way more than enough! The messages I'm receiving only seem to get decreasingly, mind you condescendingly, filthy, and there's no rational purpose alive that can justify the graphic depictions (alright, it's a letter, forget the graphic part), vulgar language, and fantasized situations involving the three-letter naughty word (cover your eyes humanoids), sex. Some mail isn't even a question; merely a repulsive Mario-related fetish fantasy packaged under the subject “Dethrone the King” of sorts. Stuff the queasy stories or “Vivid” dreams fan boys, I've hereby pronounced your intimate literature (bad word choice, I know) banned! From now on, you perpetrators will be “subject” to my cyber-kinetic powers, where incessant flogging is an acceptable pastime, and a much larger REALITY (You can end the paragraph now, Mr. Hebner, tee hee).
-Mush, Room, King- You put the puzzle together!
Shut off Blue's Clues, down a bag of Ruffles, and wipe the grease on your monitor... DTK postal service continues its route...
Email 61
“Okay, on the Super Mario Brothers Super Show, Luigi was the younger brother, and when Yoshi's Island rolled around, they were twins. Why is that?”
-Drew Duffy
Hey, it is the 21st century: What a nasty plot gaffe you've exposed Drew, one of Nintendo's few, but present, follies. Maybe Luigi came out a couple seconds later than Mario? After all, the stork does have a busy schedule.
Email 62
“Who does Mario's voice in the games?”
-caarlos
Mario: I-a do you-a stupid clown: Mario would like to think so (in my world anyway), but really, his name is (chica chica) Slim Shady... without the blonde hair, black lisp, and well, everything, Charles Martinet. This guy's a legend, surmounting even my greatest list of celebrities, including Dr. Evil, Britney Spear's anatomy, and that ever-talented, blamably false cover-up, Conan O'Brien's wig! Where would pop culture be minus these fine entertainers?
Email 63
1. “What is the actual name for the item, in SMB3, that gives Mario the raccoon power, a feather or leaf?”
2. (King intervenes: mindless question) “What is the difference between the SMB3 cartridge, and a SMB3 rom?
-Jason Miles
This might as well have been snail mail, because Jason, you're computer literacy skills are probably slower sent: 1. Let's play a non-video game, shall we? What is green (most of the year), falls from trees, and makes a decent toilet paper substitute in the great outdoors? You have now till the day when Lumberjacks rule the earth to answer MY question.
2. The difference is that they're different! Do you spell cartridge and rom the same way? Please, refrain from trying it, you've already proved how idiotic you can act, instead try promoting Mugs Root Beer, at least when you work on their ad campaign you won't need to act stupid, you can be yourself, thickheaded.
Email 64
“Tell me, Mr. King, where does Mario make a cameo in Dance Dance Revolution?”
-Pam (Anderson intellect) Richards
I guess blonde just isn't a hair color, it's a way of life: Mario is not in DDR! Not the 1st mix; not the second mix, not the third mix, not the Smurf remix, none, zip, nada! Dance Dance Revolution is a Sony licensed product; Mario is a Nintendo product, unless the PS2/PS1 converges with the GC, and forms a Gaystation2, Mario won't be turning up in any Sony endorsed video games, quite frankly, ever! “The truth hurts... our lawyers”- O.J. Simpson, live by this quote.
Email 65
“How did people become Goomba's in the SMB movie, and who played Mario & Luigi?”
-Brad Fritts
I will not praise Gene Skiskel for naming the SMB movie 'one of 93's worst', but I will praise Ebert for still being fat (why? no idea, only wanted a reason to praise him): King Koopa (Dennis Hopper) dealt with the unruly Mushroom citizens (which is limited to the few hundred he hated) by 'deevolutionizing' them. Therefore, backtracking their brains over five prehistoric eras, and transforming em' into the dim-witted Goomba dino guards. Bob Hoskins (Mario) & John Leguizamo (I know I got the last name misspelled) played Luigi. I probably haven't been the first to tell you, but Bob Hoskins is a HORRIBLE, and DREADFUL casting error! The guy desperately needs one of Conan's wigs! And John L, pass through puberty, grow a mustache, and keep off my babe, Princess Daisy! Ahhh, I'm finally free of tension!
Email 66
“Why would ANYONE want to take the Super Mario Super Show off the air?”
-Bob Jindra
You touched me man, you really reached out and touched a homie's heart! Now, shove off sicko, and keep your hands to yourself: Cartoons are cartoons, and pushing aside the 3-10 year old viewer bracket, not very many older persons (except for us sweet-ass nerd-types) enjoy their babyish nature. So ultimately, we cast-off nerd freaks were the only supporters the SMB: SS had, which is, roughly, a big manly .00000001 on the Neilson Ratings. Our animated love just couldn't manage to sustain the Show's glory. (Unrestraint whimpering)... (Five minutes later) huh? What was I doing? Oh, about that Biology Test Mr. Ruthenburg... my frog dissected it, or, I mean, when does the bell ring?
Email 67
1. “Who is Bowser's mother?”
2. “Who is Mario & Luigi's father?”
-Mario Mario
Who's your daddy, punk? Who's your daddy: 1. Why am I always left with the wild guesses? Maybe I'm just that good with making crap up? Oh well, I'll say... it's a draw between either that puppet Dragon on Eureka's Castle, the T-Rex from Jurassic Park, or Steven Spielberg. Of course, their sexuality is pretty open-ended, but I think there's enough woman amongst the three of em' to fill a mother's role.
2. Mario and Luigi, as I've stated a “stuff your face full” amount of times, don't have clear childhood origins. The closest things to parents the duo are known having is those animated legs and feet at the conclusion of Yoshi's Island. Therefore, unless you'd wanna trot around telling people your folks were a pair of limbs, it's best to say their parents are still a mystery. C'mon, Cow n' Chicken had half-completed mommies & daddies also, and only I can image how awfully deformed one must look to produce a two farm animals as offspring. Do you think Mario and Luigi's parents could be much different?
Email 68
“Why is it that in land-based levels on SMB, Mario drowns when he falls into water, but during water-based levels he doesn't?”
-Glacier235
What do you use for transportation, a camel: Wow, congratulations, you wanted a legitimate answer, you're gonna get none! What you will get though, is the truth. Yet, as we've seen on Court T.V. a legitimate answer isn't always the honest one (or the smartest one), so believe this, or... just believe it! The land-based H20 wasn't even intended to be included within SMB, but in those certain levels (3-1 comes into mind), Miaymoto didn't feel like taking out the bridges that crossed the pits. He thought they complemented the scenery, or in excommunicated-game developer's lingo, made the jump a hell of a lot easier. Problem was, the jump had already been easy, so Nintendo decided they needed something treacherous, diabolical, fear inducing, utterly terrifying to trick gamers into believing the bridge was indeed helping you jump the chasm, and escape death. What better than water? A Plumber's worst nightmare is falling headfirst into a swim-less crystal clear mud puddle! Why do you think the wrench-ies spend years trying to keep the substance trapped inside pipes?
Email 69
“How come Sonic's shoes appeared at the end of Donkey Kong Country 2? I mean, weren't Nintendo and Sega enemies back then?”
-Tom (who? hmmmm....) Arnold I guess?
There's a word for people like you, but they can't read, so what's the fun in insulting them: He must of been cheating on Sega, or cheating on Sega. You decide, tattletale.
Email 70
“In Super Mario Sunshine for the Nintendo Gamecube, what is the boss in the first episode of: Pinna Park, Sirena Beach, Bianco Hills, Ricco Harbor, and Gelato Beach?”
-Ben Reese
I'm sure you were Shadow Mario's inspiration: Let's take a look, for Pinna Park we've got Mecha Bowser; camping out at Sirena Beach it's the manta; Bianco Hills has the scum drenched plant; In Ricco Harbor dwells Gooper Blooper, and Gelato Beach houses nothing. Please, I made this game feel shorter than Luigi's Mansion, and when I'm manning the wheel, Luigi's Mansion is even shorter than Danny Devito... without any legs! click.
Email 71
“What is your favorite Mario game?”
-Fishhead97
Pin the hair on the Donkey Kong, what else: Nah, just foolin', my absolute fav Mario game would have to be none other than Mario Teaches Typing II, without it, how'd I be writing this? SMB3 gets a close second, but learning the fine art of crushing sand castles and throwing lit matches proved far less educational.
Email 72
“How old is Mario in Super Mario Sunshine?”
-Christworks
Geesh, you're a fat, old, ugly, and dumb joke just waiting to happen: Mario's three years older than Peach, five years older than Luigi. Making Peach two years older than the man in green, who is fifty years younger than ol' MacDonald. Meaning forty-five years older than Mario, and eight grinches uglier than James Brown, which is ten months later than both their Birthdays! Connections, connections... don't ya love em'!
Email 73
“Why the heck is Mario's nose so huge?”
-Amanada Alnor
Blame it on Cher: Bad rhinoplasty job, eek! If you don't know what rhinoplasty is, then you've most definitely undergone it! Damn Shigeru and his crew, constantly forcing our hero to uphold a glamorous image... where's the mercy? Where's the E! True Hollywood Story?
Email 74
“Do you have a crush on Princess Peach; I think your mom told me that?”
-Tammy
My mom's a workaholic, and I don't think you or I is allowed into her 'special' jobsite (no offense mommy): I do, indeed, have a crush on Princess Peach. I'd been contemplating whether or not I should ask her out; she does throw one mean slap though, so maybe it'll be better if I just sat back n' watched from a five foot tree?
Email 75
“Where can I find that ancient SMB board game?”
-Jake Stober
Won't it be hard to play a board game by yourself: X off your fancy department stores, and carryouts first. Pawnshops and your neighbor's closet are the most successful shopping malls. You could also spend 1.99 for a Wendy's Kid's Meal n' drive, ha, limp out with their SMK: SC/SMA puzzle game toy as well. When you see the expressions on the other customer's faces, you'll get why I said limp.
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